Wednesday, February 12, 2014

A geek drives to work

I was driving to work a few days ago.

It is bitter cold here in on the prairie. So, what else is new, huh? It's all over the news on a daily basis, so I won't go on and on about it, although I could because I FUCKING hate this weather. I told Bing that the only time I'm not shivering is when we're in bed at night. It is supposed to be in the 20's today, a real heat wave.

Anyway, I digress.

I was in the car, driving to work. I was cranky, yes, because it is so cold that my car doesn't really warm up until I'm half way to work and even then my feet are freezing. Now, if I wore warm boots as Bing does, this wouldn't happen but I am vain and wear my ballet flats with tights or heels with nylons, so shame on my head, as my dear departed Irish mother would say.

So...again I digress.

I was in the car driving to work, cranky because it was cold. I could not seem to get warm and I SWORE I felt a breeze. I was listening to my book on tape (Lone Survivor) and I shut it off as I waited at a red light to figure out where that breeze was coming from.

To my horror, the passenger window was open! How the hell did THAT happen? If Liv hadn't been in Ireland, she would have alerted me to this problem right away, but since I was alone it took me a while. I quickly shut the window but then I got to thinking.

Why was it open in the first place? It wasn't Spring or Summer, when I could see it being accidentally not shut.

A homeless man trying to find a bed for the night? Well, our garage is about 20 degrees warmer than the outside, but no blankets, etc.

A prowler! Someone must have found a way to get the window open and crawled in and soon they would heave themselves over the back hatch into the back seat and hold a knife to my neck and direct me to an ATM and then out on a country road where I would be killed. Raped and killed.

Now these thoughts are all sliding around my head as I am driving. Not a good thing. No. I began to shoot worried looks into the back seat and then tried to dig my phone out of my purse in the seat beside me in case I needed to push the 911 button quickly. Of course, I couldn't get it out, it was stashed at the bottom of my purse under my checkbook and coin purse, glasses case and gum. I'm sure that I weaved a bit as I struggled to get it out while glancing in the rear view mirror at the same time to catch the murderer.

Ok, I thought to myself as I struggled with my purse, I will NOT drive to an ATM or out to the country. That never ends well. I will just plow into a telephone pole.

I found my phone and pulled it out, my work badge flying out at the same time and flying into the back seat. I stiffened. Did he know what I was doing? Would he come sailing over the seat any minute?

But, of course, he didn't. I got to work, leaped out and ran around checking the car. No one. Of course not.

Went into work, and you guessed it, got stopped by the front door guard because I didn't have my work badge. Went back into the freezing air and retrieved it from the back seat where it had flown. I went back into work and you guessed it, sat down in my comfy lumbar supportive chair and realized that my phone was still sitting in that little place where I usually keep spare change in the front seat of my car. Went back to get it.

And then I went to a meeting. Someone had a question that we needed to google and, showing off, I grabbed my phone and said I would ask Siri, my fake phone friend.

So, I asked her to retrieve some figures for me and in her very robotic female voice, she said that she would comply, to please wait.

We waited.

And then she came back.

"Mrs. Mison, I have those figures. They are........"

I felt my face get red. One of my co-workers said, "Who is Mrs. Myson?"

I sort of sputtered a fake laugh. "Well, I don't know," I lied. "I'll have to look into that!"

When I got back to my desk, I immediately fixed it.

Siri called me Mrs. Mison because Bing and I have an ongoing argument about the show Sleepy Hollow. She thinks it's boring, I love it. Mostly because of the star: Tom Mison. So once when we were watching it, I laughingly took out my phone and instructed Siri to please refer to me as Mrs. Mison from now on.

And, well, she did.

In my meeting.

So...a very Maria sort of day.

How was your day? Anything humiliating happen worth talking about?


Jacquelineand.... said...

Does doing the splits on the bottom stair.....totally unplanned by the by...count?

My thighs say it does.

Mitchell is Moving said...

I had no idea where you going with this story from one sentence to the next. I so love your stream-of-consciousness. Truly hilarious, Mrs. Mison!

Joanne Noragon said...

The best revenge is a good audit. That's all I have to say, Mrs. Mison.

lily cedar said...

I gave sugar to a patient before his PET scan. Nursing fail.

the only daughter said...

Not today. But only by the grace of nameless, faceless, ice queens.


Fenstar de Luxe said...

oh I ADORE Tom Mison. Fell in love with him from his Lost in Austen days. Ooh yes.

Jocelyn said...

Oscar Wilde has nothing on your comedy of errors!

My best "doi" of recent months involves hating snow (see, I can hate snow for you, despite how much I love snow). At some point between my car, which is parked outside, and the house, I lost my ring of keys...keys for EVERYTHING.

Come April or May, when all ninety kajillion inches of snow melt, I'm sure those smug keys will finally find air. Fat lotta good that's doing me now.

Anonymous said...

"She had a degree in Spanish, which I found confusing as she grew up in a Spanish speaking family but said that she learned English when she went to grade school.

Maybe this sounds petty, but it seemed like sort of a lazy degree to get. I mean, she was fluent in Spanish and obtained a degree in Spanish?”

Isn’t be spanish-speaking and getting a degree in Spanish the same as being english-speaking and getting a degree in English? I mean an English degree involves a lot more than grammar, spelling, and conjugating verbs.

Karen M. Peterson said...

That's awesome!

Very mysterious about the window, though...