Admit it. You have one. Or two. Or three. Or more.
I have several. Bing will admit to none. She gives me the I love my partner, but she's nuts look whenever I ask her who hers is.
And she has noticed a (disturbing?) pattern with the men who are my pretend husbands, but so far, my pretend wives aren't so predictable.
"Truthfully? You have a type and you rarely waver," she says.
She says that I tend to be strongly attracted to men who look like Liv's Father, Tinton. Since I can't show a photo of him, I will show you a couple of my pretend husbands who resemble him.
Yes, dark haired men with beards. And piercing eyes. Which does describe Tinton. I will give Bing this. She's right. It was probably why I initially fell into bed with Tinton. But, I can't regret it since I did get Liv out of it.
My pretend wives are Laura Linney, Halle Berry and Tina Fey. I know...NOTHING in common. One is blonde, one is dark haired and one is a black woman. But, there is a key ingredient. I like smart women. I almost don't care what they look like, but I just dig intelligence.
For the men? Um...not so much. I don't really care about the IQ level, I do care that they are either a bad boy with a good heart or a good boy with a bad twist. I tend to like conflicted men, men who are complicated and kinda good and kinda bad at the same time.
I have often wondered about this. WHY are we attracted to certain people? From the time that I started dating, I've always liked the villains better than the heroes. Give me Loki over Thor. Garrett over Edward. Mr. Darcy. Johnny Depp in practically anything, because he just looks like he has something up his sleeve ALL THE TIME.
I never wanted a wedding ring. Never wanted to stay put. Just wanted someone to dance with, have a few gin and tonics with, someone to mess a bed up with me. I liked anyone who could be a poster child for Better As a Memory.
I mention this to Bing and she belts out a laugh.
"You're like the poster girl for Better As a Memory is what you mean," she says, smiling to let me know that she isn't being mean.
"I may have used to be that, but not anymore," I tell her. "Now, I'm a woman who is getting hitched on December 27th."
Bing gives me a long look. "I'll believe it when I see it," she finally says, still smiling. And then she kisses me to take away the hurt.
But now...WOMEN. That is a different story than men. I have always been notoriously picky about women, much more so than I was/am about men. With women, I would have never dated anyone who didn't wow me with how smart they were. I'm still not attracted to a beautiful woman at all if she says something stupid like, "I don't vote."
I like a woman who can go toe to toe with me. I am not attracted to Republicans, but if I am debating with a woman and she is a Republican, if she can best me....welll.....I might be a little tempted.
I think the main reason that I ended up with Bing is that she is so damn intelligent. She knows her stuff. Liv, Bing and I all took an IQ test once just to see who would win and Bing was absolutely certain that she would win. So was I. I was astounded when I was actually 4 points higher than she was. But, hey...four points is nothing. And one of the things I love about Bing is that she tends to be smarter about things that I am not....like anything financial and math. Science.
I am more literary, but she is more street smart and she is the the main reason why we have a hefty savings account. She isn't a poet, but she has soul. She doesn't read fiction, but devours financial books, anything Apple related, or memoirs about people she admires. Steve Jobs. Warren Buffet. Miles Davis.
She can play almost any instrument and reads music with ease. This alone makes me want to jump her bones. She will sit down at the piano or pick up her guitar and suddenly she is playing me The Dressing Room Song (Ralph and Monty) on the piano or Ventura Highway on the guitar. I find this incredibly sexy since I am not musically inclined AT ALL and can barely play Chopsticks with her.
I am attracted to intelligent men too...but I am not nearly as picky. As long as he has a bad boy quality, I will consider him.
So, I went to work today and asked my co-workers who their pretend spouses were.
Betsy, my favorite co-worker, solemnly swore that she has never even entertained the question. "On the day of my wedding, I MEANT my vows," she says. Only Betsy can get away with a line like that without sounding snotty. She is just so Opie. So earnest.
But everyone else immediately answered.
"that guy who plays Thor."
Jim Parsons ("I just like really smart dorky men...")
"I used to want to marry Paul Anka." (This was from the lady in the cafeteria who rings us up. She is about 80 years old. I had to google Paul Anka.)
Kurt Cobain. (Oh, yum....the existential bad boy...)
"that guy who dated Miley Cyrus until she got all skanky." (I told her that if she doesn't know his NAME, she can't have him for a pretend husband...)
And then, I asked a few lesbian friends who their pretend wife was.
"any Victoria's Secret model."
Jessica Lange. ("I know she's kind of old, but I have wanted her since King Kong.)
Halle Berry (NO. She's MY pretend wife...)
Belinda Carlisle ("The Go-Gos were my first concert and I actually got to kiss her cheek. I swear I didn't wash my mouth for days...didn't even brush my teeth for fear of losing her DNA.")
So, yes...most of us have pretend wives or husbands.
What I want to know is...
Who is YOURS? And why?