and she was all hyped up after seeing Michael Phelps.
Liv was also looking forward to seeing one of her friends from Montessori: Mandy. In her grade school experience at Montessori, she and Mandy had been pretty good friends. Mandy comes from a big family and is the youngest, so lots of noise at her house. She loved to spend the day and/or night at our house, commented often on how wonderfully serene our home was.
I always liked Mandy. She was the girl in Liv's class who was always in the middle. She wasn't particularly pretty, didn't stand out intellectually, and she was chubby...which I know was difficult for her (especially when her mother would drop her off at our house for a sleepover and remind me in front of her daughter not to let her eat too many sweets) so...she had my heart. She was a big reader and she and Liv traded books back and forth a lot and I thought that she had sort of a droll sense of humor in someone so young.
As I said, I always liked her.
The Montessori that Liv attended only went up to 6th grade, so it was bittersweet last year when everyone split up. Liv ended up going to a parochial school with her then bestie, Constance. Mandy went to a public school in one of the west (uppercrust) areas of the city. The girls stayed in touch off and on until about Thanksgiving and then it tapered off as they made new friends. But, Liv always considered Mandy one of her friends.
So, when we heard that Liv's swim team (the sharks) was to play Mandy's swim team (the schooners), we wondered if Mandy was still on the team. Liv texted Mandy but received no answer. On the night of the meet, we checked the roster and found Mandy's name, so Liv went in pursuit of her to say hello. She came back to my chair several moments later, her head down. I asked her if she found Mandy and she looked bewildered.
"Yeah," she said. "I did. But...well, she was acting so oddly."
I asked her to explain.
Apparently, she had seen Mandy with a group of girls and went up to her. They all had their swim suits on. When she exuberantly called hello to her, Mandy gave her a cool glance and mumbled something that sounded like hi, and then turned away with the other girls. They all went into the bathroom. Liv followed them. Suddenly one of the girls that Mandy was with turned around and said loudly, "Oh, god...she's freaking FOLLOWING us, Mands! You have a stalker!"
Liv was embarrassed and looked to Mandy to say something. Instead, Mandy turned around and gave her the once over and said, "And she's still as flat as a board! Wow. I have a flat chested stalker! Yikes!"
Stunned and hurt, Liv said that she turned to go and ended up stumbling a little, but caught herself. She heard the girls say something like "Walk much?" and then they all laughed.
When Liv told me this, I was so furious that I wanted to go shake Mandy. In fact, I spied Mandy's mother across the pool and started to get up, ready to go tell her what Mandy had done. Liv, seeing where this was headed, grabbed my arm.
"No, Mama!" she said. "That would only make me feel worse...just let it go. Okay?"
Reluctantly, I said ok. Liv left then to find her friends on her team and I sat back down to discuss things with Bing. As usual, Bing had the cool head while mine was frying hot.
"Let her fight her own battles, hon!" she said. "She has to learn to deal with mean girls just like the rest of us."
"But," I sputtered. "Mandy was such a nice girl! I can't believe she'd do that to Liv! She used to SPEND WEEKENDS at our house just last year!"
Bing, the experienced teacher, reminded me that junior high girls could be terrible bullies, that it was a weird age and that we didn't know the situation. Maybe Mandy was trying to fit in with a popular group, etc. We didn't know the facts and even so, we needed to let Liv handle it.
I wasn't convinced but I sat down.
A few moments later, Mandy and her
This time, nothing was said, but Mandy put her hand over the side of her face, creating a blinder and pointedly ignored Liv. After they passed her, they all broke into peals of snotty mean girl laughter. Liv, head held high, walked up to us and grabbed her water bottle. Said she needed to go get ready for her heat. I hugged her and wished her luck.
As soon as she was halfway away from me and not looking, I bolted from my seat before Bing could grab me. I race walked to where Mandy and her friends were standing. Mandy had gained weight and it didn't look attractive. I would have loved to hurt her right back by asking her if they allowed whales to compete, but I am the adult so I had to take the high road.
So, I went and stood and front of her and her dipshit friends. She looked up, recognized me, and blushed furiously. Before she could open her mouth, I leaned in and said as quietly as I could:
"I would have never pegged you to turn into one of those snotty mean girls, Mandy. You are SO much better than this sort of pathetic behavior."
Before she could answer, I stalked off. I heard one of her friends say loudly, "Wow...did you see that big hat that she had on? God, ugly much?"
I spun around again and they all scattered like the chicken shits they were, Mandy's face was still beet red. I watched them scamper off and then went back to my chair. Bing looked at me and sighed.
"You just had to do it, didn't you?"
I glared at her. "Liv can fight her own battles and she does. But, if you think that I'm going to let that little bad ass fuck around with my daughter's feelings IN FRONT OF ME, you have another thing coming."
Bing didn't answer. She knows when not to take me on.
Liv went on to take first place in every single one of her events. Mandy only swam in two relays and she pretty much lost the race for her team, taking them from second place to last. I remember from meets past that she never was a great swimmer. I used to feel sort of badly for her, but I was always proud of her for trying so hard. Not this time. This time, I felt like laughing at her and pointing. But...you know...I didn't. You can't fight mean with mean. But you CAN fight mean with truth. And I felt as if I did.
I didn't tell Liv that I spoke to Mandy and as far as I know, she didn't notice.
I wish that I was a better person, wish that I could find some kindness in my heart for Mandy. But, I can't. We all have choices. We can choose to be good, we can choose to be kind. Or...we can choose to be mean, choose to walk in that dark place. I'm not stupid. I don't think I shamed Mandy into changing her tune, but I wanted her to know that someone saw her, you know? I wanted to force her to think about her behavior.
What do you think? Should I have, as Bing suggested, just let it go? Or was I in the right?
What would you have done?
21 comments:
I don't know what I would have done in that situation. I would have wanted to say much worse. It's good Liv doesn't know about it. Here's hoping you had an impact on Mandy that won't simply make her feel guilty but will make her think about her behavior in the future.
And huge cheers for Liv!!! I hope you'll let us know when she's competing in the Olympics!
You said exactly what I said to my grandaughter a year ago, in 8th grade, when she could have become a Mandy. If an adult doesn't give a child someting of value to think about, the child won't learn to think.
Completely agree with Joanne! You did not become a mean girl yourself here, although certainly I can understand the temptation. Instead, you threw a big old bucket of cold swim water on Mandy's fire by letting her know that her behavior was unacceptable. If she continues to do this in the future, it's a conscious choice now, rather than her not knowing any better. Because she does know better, you told her!
It occurs to me though that Mandy's behavior is likely a reflection of what she has been treated to at home. Her mother is clearly critical of her daughter and in front of others. Her mother sees nothing wrong with shaming her daughter in front of others so it's likely that Mandy is desperately trying to find acceptance somewhere and is willing to go along with this group of bitches to find it.
This in no way excuses Mandy's behavior of course, it is simply a possible explanation for why Mandy has become this way. And it's really sad all-around. In any case, I am glad you told Mandy that it is not acceptable. Perhaps it has given her something to think about.
Reading this made me teary eyed for Liv. I just can NOT believe someone, anyone, would treat Liv like that, let alone someone who USED to be her friend. Wow.
I'm glad you said something. I have NO idea what I would have done. I, too, would have wanted to say something to her mom, but I probably wouldn't have. I, too, would have wanted to shake her, but I wouldn't have.
It would have been easy to fight mean with mean, like you said. I would have wanted to say something like, "Oh, HI Mandy! Wow, it's been too long. Boy, we really miss all those weekends you used to spend at our house, don't you? You and Liv were just like two peas in a pod, weren't you?" Or something equally as lame. Liv's lucky you are so much more mature than I am. :)
I think I would've done exactly what you did, as long as my kid didn't know about it. I stay out of damn near everything, but I've WANTED to say things, definitely. As a matter of fact, we went to a party last night and Gilda was ignored for HOURS by her friend there (whose house the party was being held) and she handled it really well, but I was getting really pissed about it. Later, they were hanging out, but that kid was being a little bitch. You know what those kids are? Weak. Lack of character. Our kids aren't like that - I've watched Gilda stick up for kids she doesn't even like, and I would never ALLOW her to behave that way. (Also - I NEVER liked the snotty little bitch kid from last night. She's always been annoying.)
Bing is right, though - poor Liv is reaching that age where girls can just be snotty bitches. I think she's going to be just fine, though. She's got you for an example, and Bing, and a shit ton going for her.
Also - that's AWESOME about the wins!!
I think you did the right thing. I also agree with Bing - Liv has to learn to fight her own battles. But there is no way that Mandy should been allowed to think that being mean is acceptable.
I wanted to add that Liv is a hell of an athlete! She didn't let the emotional upset get to her and affect her performance in the pool. ROCK ON LIV!
I tend to agree with you and Joanne. Sometimes a young person needs to hear the 'larger perspective' and if someone older had said that to me when I was a teenager it would have had a significant impact on how I acted. But I will add this: having been the unpopular one trying desperately to fit in, sometimes young girls do not have the maturity, mental strength, or support from others (family) to do the right thing. They are at the mercy of peer pressure, sometimes with no one to show them differently. At that age, I would have done anything to be accepted, because that was the only thing that mattered in my small world. It sounds like Mandy lives on the brink of acceptance in that group, and does whatever she can to shore up her position. I believe deep down she probably hates herself for treating her old friend Liv in that way, but she just plain doesn't have the strength to be the one who takes the high road. I think Mandy needs someone to reach out to her and teach her how valuable she is, and how she can be "so much better than this sort of pathetic behavior". Perhaps Liv could write her a letter, and explain the hurtfulness of the comments, but also remind Mandy of what a good person she was... and still is beneath it all? Understanding would have meant the WORLD to me, back then... KC
I think you did a good job compromising. I probably would've gone the mean route and let off with a whole rant of cruel things. But you did the right thing. Hopefully it'll be a wake-up call to her and make her realize what a little shit she's being.
Congratulations to Liv!
I think you were both right-- Bing wanting Liv to fight/handle her own battles and how to contend with mean girls, and you for being a mother and defending your child while while also making the situation a "teachable" moment for Mandy. Perhaps the next time Liv and Mandy's paths cross and you are there, you will acknowledge Mandy in a kind and genuine way? Rejecting the behavior but not the insecure adolescent?
Liv is really good at not letting distractions get to her... evident by her taking 1st in her races! I would have probably said much worse... so I think you did take the mature "high road"... even if it doesn't change her...and we all know it won't... somewhere it will stick in the back of her mind...
I am not at all good in these area's. When I see someone being mean to my kid I sort of just see red and freak the fuck out. Damie, my partner is like Bing, she is much more level headed most of the time. I think what you did was great, but I would have walked over to her mom and asked what was going on with Mandy as she just didn't seem like the same old Mandy we had all grown to love. That might have been enough for her mom to take some notice, and maybe not but it would have made me feel better none the less.
I fucking hate teenage girls........fuck!!
You did great!! I agree w lawfrog. You handled it beautifully. Zc
Bing is probably in the right AND I would have done exactly what you did. At least be glad that you have raised a true winner in every sense of the word, and I don't just mean in swimming meets. Liv is strong and kind and good beyond belief, but water seeks its own level and all the dam building in the world can't keep the cowardly Mandys on Liv's.
I'm so sorry Liv had to experience mean girls. Unfortunately you are right and that is most likely the first of many encounters. I'm glad you said something to Mandy and so impressed with the tactful way you handled it.
I can't seem to make myself care about the effect of your actions on Mandy, and I'm not sure whether what you did is right or wrong.
But whatever decisions you have made while raising Liv, you have managed to teach her (a) to expect that you will defend her fiercely and without hesitation, and (b) that she is strong and capable enough to fight her own battles. While these lessons are not mutually exclusive, it's very difficult to teach both at the same time. You've given Liv a powerful gift.
CJ
It would be different if you didn't have your own relationship with this bully. But since you know her, and she has spent weekends at your house, I think you did the right thing. Kids need to know when they are out of line. And you know if you hadn't said anything it would have eaten at you. I think you did great. -KDF
You showed a lot of restraint when you talked to her and I hope Mandy will look back on this day and regret the way she treated a great friend and her family. I totally back you on this. I'm sort of glad that Mandy had the sense to be very ashamed of what she did, but I dont know it will last for long. I'm feeling really bad that Liv had to go through this with a once close friend.
You handled it perfectly. Mandy will remember that brief conversation the rest of her life. I can't wait to hear if there is any follow up to this. Obviously she is so desperate to be included in that group that she would do anything - right down to betraying a friendship. The part that bothered me the most about this - and you didn't touch on it, but I'm sure you thought about it - was what was said in that noxious circle before Liv approached them. It had to have been been something, or they wouldn't have all gone 'there' immediately. That pisses me off even worse than what she said/did.
Grrrrrr.
I think you found a nice middle ground. I don't think most people could manage not to say SOMETHING (at least I couldn't) but you didn't go off on her weight and weren't cruel. You simply told the truth when you said you didn't expect her to turn into a mean girl. I don't see a problem with that. Sometimes people need to hear something like that.
You're lucky to have gotten the opportunity; that Liv trusted you with her hurt and that you witnessed the meanness and rudeness of one Ms. Many whatshername. Yes, Liv must learn to fight her own battles and she will and she will do fine. But, I also think Mandy needed to hear what you said, right then, in that moment. You didn't make a scene & were adult about it, pitch perfect.
YaY to Liv for not letting the ugliness mar her performance.
She has strength on many levels.
:-)
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