That was in January of 2008 and was so humiliating that you'd think I would have learned something, yes?
Or maybe I should just give in and buy pants with velcro or snaps.
Today, I wore pair of nice linen slacks to work. Beige. They had kind of a snazzy little tie at the top.
You're laughing already, I can sense it.
So, I go to work. The air conditioning wasn't high enough and I was sweating
I had a 1:20 appointment. I kinda sorta had to pee right before they came, but figured I would just hold it. By the time they left at 2:30, I had to
"How are you doing? I haven't seen you in so long!" she said, smiling hugely. Now, Mary is a fine person, a nice person. But, she talks. And talks. I said something banal like I was fine and tried to slip into a stall. But, she sort of nicely blocked me.
"And how is that darling little girl of yours?" she went on. "Is she on the swim team this year?"
Oh, great...right...talk about big bodies of WATER.
I said yes she was and that I was sorry, but I really had to go to the bathroom.
Her eyes went wide.
"Oh, of course!" she said, and politely moved.
I practically ran into the stall and then...
you know what is coming.
I could NOT get that little knot at the top of my slacks untied. It seemed to just cinch tighter the harder that I tried. I doubled over, crossing my legs.
I knew I had ten seconds or less before niagara fell.
Yes, I wet my pants. At work.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
I managed to get the tie undone about half way through my peeing and yanked my pants down and sat.
I really should have worked harder at doing my kegel muscle exercises. Then, perhaps...I could have held it back.
And I was wearing a very short jacket and top.
I was in deep shit.
So, I did what I hated doing. I called out to chatty Mary, who also can be called gossipy Mary.
She was still washing her hands, probably waiting for me to talk more.
And I asked her politely to go in my office and ask one of the secretaries to please grab my old raincoat out of the closet and um...bring it to me.
There was a short silence and then she said (rather stiffly), "Oh, my goodness. Of course. One momento!"
She came back with the rain coat.....and our office manager, Milagros.
I opened the door a crack and nabbed the coat and put it on before I came out.
And then...and oh how I detested doing this.......I came out and stood before Mary and Milagros in my raincoat.
Mary looked bewildered. Milagros looked like she was two breaths away from bursting out laughing.
I gestured at the stall and said something totally idiotic about having a little accident in the stall.
And then Mary's eyes widened hugely and she nodded with sage wisdom.
"Oh," she said, "your Aunt Flo came to visit and surprised you, huh?"
Because I haven't had a period in over four years, it took me a moment to realize what she meant and then I just smiled meekly and nodded. Better for her to think that my period came early than that I was such a dumb ass that I actually peed my pants at my age.
Milagros was tongue in cheek now, struggling to not laugh.
Mary leaned over and gave me a very light hug. She didn't want to get too close to all that menstrual blood now did she? She said that she best get back to work and we nodded.
And then Milagros shook her head at me and gave me a sly look.
"Maria, seriously? You actually WET your pants?"
I sheepishly nodded, explained about the knot.
"Ok," she said. "Well, you learned a good lesson. One that I am currently trying to teach my four year old son. It doesn't pay to HOLD IT TOO LONG, does it?"
I shook my head no.
We walked back to the office. I told Nanette that I was feeling ill and she needed to cancel my 3:15 appointment. She was thrilled, knowing that this meant that she would go home early today too.
I grabbed my purse, some reports to work on in the evening, and found a big black trash bag in the supply cabinet to sit on as I drove home. I absolutely did not want a pee smell to permeate my car in way.
And then I called Bing and told her that I was coming home early. She asked why. I said it was a long story. Silence.
So, I told her. Yes, I informed my spouse that I had peed my pants at work.
To her credit, she didn't laugh. She just told me to drive carefully home and not speed.
And when I arrived home, she looked sweetly at me from downturned lashes.
"How's my little pants wetter doing?" she asked.
I scowled, told her that unless she wanted me to blog about the time she got diarrhea at work, she needed to let this go NOW. She nodded, but smiled and looked away.
My once lovely linen slacks are now sitting in a plastic bag to take to the dry cleaners tomorrow. I feel terrible about this. I can't imagine how gross it would be to open up a bag and take out a dried pee smelling pair of pants. Oh, well...as Bing says, I'm sure they've seen worse.
And I swear here and now that I will NEVER buy another pair of slacks with a tie top. Nothing tricky for this old relic. Maybe I should just take all my clothes to a tailor and have Velcro put on or snaps.
So, consider this a cautionary tale, dudes.
If you have to pee....DO NOT try to hold it. There is a bad scene just waiting to happen one day. Or, if you are like me, it will take it to happen TWICE in five years before you learn your lesson.
I'm just hoping that Milagros doesn't rib about this mercilessly at work. Let's see....I need to think of something that I have on her. Hmmm. How about that time that she had a booger sitting on the side of her nose and no one said anything until I took her aside and gently pointed it out.
There. Got it. She calls me pee queen, I call her booger girl.
Turnabout is fair play.......