Having a Maria day or how I managed to blast myself with pepper spray

We were just joking about this yesterday in my office.

On Monday, everyone in my building was called to a meeting to talk about the rash of break ins that were occurring in our parking lot. We work in an area of the city that is known as high risk, although I have never had any problems walking to and from my car. Apparently some others have had problems and one person had her car broken into and her cell phone stolen.

When she stood to tell this story, it was like she was getting an oscar or something. I mean, she dressed for the occasion. Take my word for it, I've seen this woman in the hall and she doesn't usually dress so smartly. This time, she looked nicely dressed all right...if this was 1982. She had on a business suit with shoulder pads and she wore a bow around the neck of her blouse. Even her hair was cut in a page boy. Wow. Retro baby.

But, she stood up and spoke breathlessly about how she worked a bit late last night, her boss had given her some last minute work to do (at this remark, all the building secretaries looked at each other and rolled their eyes, obviously understanding this tactic well...ok...not the secretaries in OUR office because neither I nor my two cohorts pull that sort of shit...it's quittin' time at 4:30 for the secretaries come hell or high water) and well, she is a diligent, hard worker so she was working late.

This story was taking WAY too long, folks. I was getting bored. We all were, but I could see that she had probably practiced this at home and badly needed the attention so I did not yawn. I FELT like yawning, but I didn't succumb. So, she is finally at the end of the long story about how she changed out of her high heels to her sneakers because she doesn't want to scuff her expensive work heels on the asphalt and yes, she actually used the word asphalt so now I KNEW she had practiced in front of her mirror.

Well, she gets to her car and the passenger side window had been broken and her cell phone which she left on the FRONT SEAT of her car had been stolen.

Now, the question floated in my head (and probably many other heads too) about why on earth she would leave her pricey iphone on the front seat of her car where anyone passing by could see it. She didn't address this idiocy and I didn't question her on it. Frankly, I just wanted to see if there were any of those chocolate doughnuts left with sprinkles because I had seen them walking into the conference room and had bravely walked right on by, but now I was jonesin' for one.

So, after everyone had oohed and aahhhhed over her predicament properly and she had finally walked wobbling in her heels back to her seat, our two security officers announced that we would all be given a small vile of pepper spray that conveniently hooked right on to our key rings.

Now, the security guard told us, those little canisters were worth $9.99 apiece but we were getting them all free of charge because our building management cared a lot about our safety.

One of the building officers helpfully instructed us to BE CAREFUL with that spray and to please not blast ourselves in the face with it.

My co-workers and I guffawed and shook our heads. Who could be that stupid?

I nabbed a strawberry glazed doughnut on my way out as some piggish people had taken all the chocolate ones with sprinkles.

Back in the office, my co-workers and I carefully cut open the packaging...and hey..what the fuck IS it with the people who package these kinds of things? It's like they want you to cut your finger off while you try to pry that thing out of the hard plastic packaging.

Or...as our office manager suggested, we could give them to her two year old who would have those packages opened licketty split.

I went home that night and showed my pepper spray to Bing.

"Better be careful, Maria," she said sweetly. "Leave it to you to spray yourself with that shit."

I told her that I was armed and dangerous now, so she better just watch her mouth, missy.

And then as I got into the car this morning, I went to turn the key to start the car and managed to spray myself with yes......PEPPER SPRAY....half in my mouth and half up my nose.

Because I am just so smart like that.

Brilliant, really.

In between dealing with my streaming nose and burning mouth, I warned Liv, "DO NOT tell Bing about this or no allowance this week, kid."

She was laughing so hard that I don't think she heard me. After her initial horrified face as she asked me if I was all right, she quickly put up her hands to hide the fact that she was trying not to laugh and then she finally gave up hiding and just looked at me and roared with mirth.

So, yeah...it was a Maria day. I went to work, picked up the dry cleaning, stopped at the library to pick up some books on hold for us...and oh..yeah...

I blasted myself with....pepper spray.

That shit really works, dudes.