Bing has had a messed up back since December. Our lives have changed a lot because of this. Bing is our house muscle. She brings up the Christmas boxes from the basement in December and takes them back down in January. She flips our mattresses every six weeks. She carries in the groceries for me, is our designated driver everywhere.
That all changed in December when she started having unexplained back problems. It grew worse to the point where she had to sleep in the guest room each night because she had to get up and walk every few hours, couldn't stand the pain.
Now, a few months later, she is better but not fully back. We have someone else mow the yard. Liv and I have become expert mattress flippers. We also brought up the Christmas decorations and took them down. We bring in the groceries.
I had been worrying about getting my garden tilled. Bing tills it every Spring for me and when I brought it up, she said she'd figure something out.
Yesterday, she told me that she had a solution. She was going to have three kids from one of her classes come over and do it and in payment, she would pay their way to a movie and take them out for pizza. They had agreed on the documentary, Bully. Parents had to be asked for permission and that was achieved.
So, early this morning, we had two strong guys and one strong girl till the garden. The soil was perfectly ready. We had rain last week, but not too much, so the soil was very tillable. It took them less than an hour. Bing supervised and then they all came in and messed around with Bing's cameras and music instruments until it was time for the movie.
Liv peeked out shyly at them when they came in. I noticed that she was careful to be fully dressed with hair perfectly pulled back in a pony tail before she even came downstairs. They drew her in skillfully, asking her to jam with them on her violin as one boy played piano while another played drums and the girl played guitar. They seemed to have a good time. Bing is good with high school kids, me not so much.
And then we all jumped into the van to go to see the movie, Bully.
I was surprised at how crowded the theater was. And astounded at how much high school boys eat. But we all settled in and there was a small discussion of whether the song, Someone I Used To Know was a brilliant piece of genius (YES) or just a fluke. Then the lights dimmed.
I was drawn in immediately, sitting in between Bing and Liv. You could have heard a pin drop as the screen filled with an anguished father's face talking about the suicide of his son. Then old home movies were played of this sweet little boy as a giggling toddler being tickled by his father, taught to ride a bike and watching video games.
And then back to his watery eyed father talking about how other boys stole his clothes in gym and his son had no way to leave, no towels were left for him either and he had to stand shivering and naked, hoping someone would wander back in and then, god...have to be seen naked in order to get help.
Other bully stories were told. I thought that Bing was going to get up and storm out as we were forced to watch a completely clueless and imbecilic middle school assistant principal force a child being tormented by another to "shake hands and be friends, say sorry now!" to his bullier. And when parents came to see this dumbass educator after they received footage of their son being stabbed with pencils, strangled and slapped around by bullies on the bus, she sweetly informed them that she had sat in on that bus many, many times and "They are as good as gold!"
Right. Like they are going to act up with the assistant principal on board.
And after the bewildered and astonished parents had to endure her idiotic assurances that "Boys will be boys!"....she then further disrespected them by pulling out photos of her grandchildren to show them.
"Yes, those are my babies!" she said, proudly. As if this is what they had come to talk about with her.
Bing and I looked at each other incredulously.
The documentary is powerful and not meant for the faint of heart. It raises horribly difficult questions.
I looked down at Liv towards the end of the movie and saw tears streaming down her face.
As we walked to the car, I leaned in close to her and asked her if she had any bullies at her school. She gave me a long look before she answered.
"When I went to Montessori," she said. "NO. No bullying was ever allowed. But, this year at St. Stan's? Yeah, there are a few bullies."
I asked her if she was bullied.
"Not anymore," she said. "I just laughed, rolled my eyes and made fun of their limited vocabulary and they backed off, " she said. "But, yeah....a few kids get bullied, especially the boys, but some of the girls too. You know my friend, Aaron?"
I nodded.
"He used to be bullied all the time because he is so small but then he built a rocket last year and won the science fair and he said that it must have bought him respect or something, because they left him alone after that."
We were at the car, so no time to discuss it further until Bing dropped us home. But, we all talked about it and all three of the high school students admitted that while they'd never personally experienced bullying, that they'd witnessed it.
"You don't want to step in to defend the person, though," the lone girl said. "If you do that, it could turn to bullying you, you know?"
I thought about that. We all agreed that the middle school assistant principal was a total idiot, but the kids seemed to think this was a common occurrence.
"The higher you get up the high school administrative chain, the more clueless they get," they commented.
They all agreed that Bing's classroom, also known in the school as Narnia, is bully free. In fact, they said that Ms. Bing actually had a big sign next to the front door that says, "No bullying allowed. All who enter here are persons of great value."
I smiled. That is SO like her.
After Bing dropped Liv and me off at the house while she went to keep her promise about providing pizza, I asked Liv to sit down on the sofa with me to talk.
She groaned.
This is the new Liv, the junior high model. The grade school Liv would have jumped into my lap like a frisky puppy. This Liv is less eager to talk, discuss. More prone to "I vant to be ALONE!"
But, I felt it was important. Pointed to my watch. Said I needed 15 minutes tops. My new junior high Liv actually checked the time on my watch and said it out loud before she sat down.
"So," I asked her. "What did you originally get bullied about?"
Liv looked askance, didn't answer. Pulled a pillow up to hug.
I waited.
Finally, she whispered, "You know."
I took a breath. "Because of me?" I asked her. "Because of Bing and me being partners?"
She nodded. "I was pretty stupid, even though you warned me it might come up. I mean, I was just used to Montessori, how nobody cared about stuff like that. And I wasn't the only one who had two parents of the same sex. And, I mean, I thought this being a CATHOLIC school, you know...that they would be more....Christian...and stuff."
I felt my stomach roil.
"Was it awful?" I asked.
She looked at me carefully. Finally decided to tell the truth.
"Well, yeah, at first. I mean, it was bad enough that I was the only seventh grader who made the varsity basketball team and some of those girls were really really mad at me since I beat out their friend. One of them asked me if I was a lesbo like my mother. Another asked me how it felt to know that my mother was going straight to hell when she died. It was nasty."
I thought of that first month of school when Liv was so withdrawn, so quiet, so needy, so shaky. Of the endless discussions Bing and I had about just yanking her out of this school. But, Liv had been adamant about staying, sticking it out.
I asked her why she did that, why she didn't just ask us to move her to a different school.
Liv took another big breath.
"I figured it was a fight I would probably have in most schools, I mean...bigots are everywhere, right? So, I just decided to stay put. Besides, you had WARNED me and I hadn't listened and if I chickened out, well...you would have been right and me wrong."
We both smiled. She is a chip off the old block. We both detest being proven wrong about anything.
Liv shrugged. "And then, well....I made friends with Aaron, Leah and Molly and we were kind of a band of nerds. It helped to have friends. And then when Brandy was making fun of me one day, asking me if I liked watching all the other girls on the team take showers, I just took her on. She has this sibilant s, so she sort of hisses her s's and I asked her to repeat the word showers but maybe she could speak without hissing her s. It was mean, I know...but she shut up right away and then when we were at lunch, I walked by the mean girls table and one of them said Don't even think of sitting here, LIZ and I just laughed and told them that I didn't feel like having Cassandra getting her bad breath all over my sandwich or Brandy hissing her s's and spitting, so no worries. So...one more shut up. And then, I started being a valid member of the basketball team and the rest of the girls started telling them to shut up whenever they made fun of me, so...well...I was lucky. Not all kids are lucky, Mama and not all kids grow up with a mother who models snappy comeback lines either. I'm not proud of how I behaved, but it did shut them up."
I sat there with my heart in my throat. It isn't as if I hadn't seen this coming. From the day she was born, I worried that she'd be hurt by others because of me. I just...it's hard to explain. And I kept thinking ridiculous things like why on earth would a Catholic family name their child Brandy? I mean...really?
Liv asked if we were finished talking and I said yes. She got up to go watch television while I made us grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner.
But, I will think about this movie for a long time. I think every parent, every student, every teacher and every administrator should see this. Especially parents with children named Brandy who make a sport of bullying other children.
So, what do you think about bullying? Were you ever bullied? And if so, how did you handle it?
13 comments:
I think schools have totally mishandled the bullying thing. I think school officials have been lazy and frankly, don't want to be bothered. Expecting children to work it out amongst themselves is like throwing the bullied child into the fire. I had an understanding with my kids that they would always stand up for themselves and others and if defending him or herself meant having a physical altercation, go for it. I would support them and we would plan fun learning activities during their suspension. I think bullies are actually encouraged that the specter of suspension keeps kids from fighting back.
Kids can be so cruel. I went to a catholic all boys school. I was NEVER bullied - I think if there were any bullies at my school they would've picked on someone else other than me!
I don't recall any bullying - the Marist Brothers had their own ethos which they instilled into us and it precluded bullying - once a "Marist boy, always a Marist boy!" was our school saying.
My grandson was bullied for a while but he learnt to stand up to bullies and they then left him alone.
I believe that there are kids who are susceptible to bullying - the meek, the mild, the quiet ones, the ones who are physically under-developed and the kids with 'dis - abilities'. It's not hard to spot the "targets" and if I can do it any teacher can do it. I think some teachers are also bullies in that they cultivate the behaviour that encourages the growth of bullying.
That's my rant for the day! Sorry to 'ear bash' you all!
Oh that shit just breaks my frigging heart. Kills me. I do want to see the movie, though.
And no - I was never bullied. Even as a kid, I was mouthy and fearless, and even though I was scrawny (and certainly had things about me that could have been made fun of), no one messed with me. I think bullies know their target right off - who they can and can't mess with.
I was the scrawny kid who ALWAYS stuck up for other kids being bullied, though. Always. I was just taught that you weren't allowed to DO that - you don't have to be friends with everyone, but you can't be mean to them, ever. Also, I am mouthy (did I mention I am mouthy?! Haha) and I've always loved the underdog, so sticking up to assholes is my specialty. No matter how much bigger, older or stronger they are/ were than me - I would do it.
I am so glad Gilda is similar to me in that way. SO glad. In fact, we just watched this clip, and talked about it. She's already stuck up for her friends and some other kids at her school - they aren't necessarily bullied, but they are made fun of from time to time, and I'm proud of her for being brave and coming to their aid.
Liv is a remarkable young lady, but you already know that. :) I love the way she handled it and her answers. What a great kid!!
I spent a few lonely years when starting high school because of this. I was even picked on when I became a class monitor because I was a dreamy, vague sort of person. It eventually stopped when many of the bullies shifted to other classes and I eventually made friends with some really great kids. Thankfully, I was never bullied in college and always managed to have a gang of good friends.
I have four teenage grandchildren I will have to tell their parents about the bully movie, Thanks for the heads up Maria.
On another note, my grandson was bullied at the age of seven by another seven year old. And we were really disturbed by the tenor of the bullying but the boy was so young! As a parent and a grandparent you try not to think the worst of a seven year, the kids a baby for heaven sake!
When my daughter went to the school about it they called in the other parents for a double family meeting.
As it turns out the other family refused to even be present in the same room with my daughter, son in law or my grandson.
The principle quoted them as saying they referred to my family members as "THOSE PEOPLE." Fracken bigots
{their marriage is an interracial one}......teaching kids to be bully bigots at seven!
The solution. The principle arranged it so that none of their kids were ever in the same classes as my grandson.
You, Bing, and all who are close to Liv have prepared her mightily for the middle school years which, even in the best of circumstances can be a trial for many kids.
Yes, I've been bullied...by my older brother, cousins, classmates, and strangers. Dark-skinned, glasses wearing, female, nerdy, ambidextrous geek? You bet.
Please don't take this the wrong way, but I just love Bing. The sign by her classroom door is so beautiful. And you have made a very strong daughter whose heart is in the right place and who will also be able to take care of herself always. Good job, Mama!
I was bullied in junior high for being small but learned that my large vocabulary could be a formidable weapon and it soon stopped. I usually walked home with a girl who was regularly beaten up because I thought I could protect her - my mother said I had a weakness for underdogs - but I just hated meanness and still do.
wow, maria, i am SO sorry poor livvy has been bullied. yes, i understand how it hurts and depleats self esteem. i was bullied all the way through high school until the 10th grade. in elementary school, older kids pulled my braids and spit on me, all the while calling me fatso names, and dancing circles around me singing that i was from the projects, my daddy was a jailbird, and i was ugly. then in 5th grade a boy named jeffrey russo made fun of me when ever i read aloud in class, and made me cry... i looked him up on facebook, and he didnt even remember the incident, yet it has haunted me my whole life. i always defended others when they were being bullied. but i never defended myself. when my kids went to school i was hypervigilant, almost daring for anyone to hurt or bully one of mine, i was ready to lay into anyone that did, i know you understand how that feels, the boiling of your blood at the thought of anyone hurting liv.. i have heard it was a good movie, and i wish i could say i will see it, but it hits too close to home for me, and i dont want to see some little boy suffer in a movie, even though its just a movie, its also a reality because i lived it. when i was in 1st grade some boys were following me walking to school, made me lay down on the sidewalk as they drove over my forehead with their bicycles.... kids were so cruel, and for different reasons back then. today, kids are fucking heartless and cruel to the point of those getting bullied, they kill themselves. whats it going to be like in the future? it scares me to even imagine.
that was a wonderfully loving thing for bing to do with those students. they are blessed to have a teacher like her, to have that one teacher that really cares about you, as a student, and helps cement your self worth, changes the whole future of the world. it has the ripple effect, and i admire her for what she does. you are very lucky to have her love... xoxo to you both..
powerful stuff, but your daughter is even more powerful and she is right...not all kids were so lucky. yeah i was teased a lot, not necessarily bullied, for being one of the few Asians in an all-white town.
I was bullied and was a bully at a time. Not so much of a bully, more of a follower, not a leader. It’s difficult to admit that I wanted to be liked and accepted so much, that I was mean to another person.
But when you know better, you do better.
When I gained more self confidence, I was able to see that the road to being popular wasn’t by being nasty or rude to someone else but by being accepting and kind. And I have a friend to thank for bringing that out of me. Bridgette and her family moved to my city from down south and were an instant hit, since there were 4 good-looking daughters. They were popular and fun and friendly and they accepted me right away.
The confidence that comes from having a good friend and confidant goes a long way in combating bullies taunts. And it taught me that liking others starts with liking yourself.
As much as it will kill me to watch, I plan to watch the movie with my 13 year old son.
I feel bad that Liv had to go through that, but we all have things that make us different and sometimes people will try to make us small because of it. I am glad that she knows who she is, and is very comfortable with it. Good Job Mom!!
I think, and this is really not exactly popular these days, but I think that we need to put more effort into the bully's than we are currently doing. Those that bully have something going on with them that needs attention, they are actually the ones in trouble. If we can help bully's we fix the problem forever, rather than just stopping them from bullying one child and moving onto another.
I was bullied, and was a bully for some time. I became a bully to feel better about the fact that I was being bullied. It didn't last long, I recognized that friends made me feel good about me too so I decided to make friends instead of hurting people!
This had me bawling, I need to take Sara to see this.
Of course. I grew up with an older sister with serious mental health problems which were diagnosed as both bipolar and schizophrenia. She bullied, bit, beat or cut me nearly every day. My mother turned a blind eye until my sister was old enough to pick on her and then she turned to me for help after telling me for years to fight my own battles and then when I did, she would punish me for fighting while my cunning sister would run away. This saga is continuing still when my mother is nearly 80 and my sister and I are approaching 60. Some unhealthy behaviours become ingrained and the only way I can protect myself is to stay away. My mother and I have barely spoken since early February. So yes dear, I've been bullied.
I'm very proud of Liv for the way she has handled her school situation and how wise she is for her age - she could have grown up with two chips on her shoulder instead of which she is so well balanced that I don't think anything will phase her and yet she has incredible empathy for the victims in the documentary. What a girl! What fantastic mothers and father she has. Lucky Liv xxx
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