How the hell do you put up with me? Sometimes, when we fight...it's like I leave my body and stand there watching myself acting all self righteous and cold and I cringe. But, I don't stop, do I?
I'm stubborn. I like to win and sometimes I forget that when we fight, nobody really gets to win. I am pretty good at not saying things that I don't mean, but I can be too honest at times and that is just unnecessary.
And we both know which buttons to push. And push them. I know it makes you crazy when I don't wipe down the faucets so yes, when I am angry, I deliberately smudge them up. Childish, I know.
I forget sometimes that you always have my back. That you always put us first and you second. You've been good at that right from the beginning.
I'm not all that adept at that, am I? I tend to think of myself in a solitary way and I don't know why I'm like that. I make decisions that are good for me and not always for us. When I say things like, "I want to live in a cottage by the sea at some point in my life"...I should say it differently. I should say that I hope that WE can life in a cottage by the sea at some point.
I picture you there, I swear it. I just tend to think in the personal, not the plural. I'll always be that pot that is just a little uncomfortable with a lid. It has nothing to do with my love for you. That is a given. It has everything to do with the fact that for many, many years, I fended for myself. It was just me against the world. And even after Liv was born, I tended to think that way.
Nothing you do goes unnoticed. All the times that you've sacrificed for the good of us, I did notice. I guess I am just used to you being the doer, the planner, the wind beneath us.
I love making love with you, somewhere inside yourself you have to know that. I know that I am slow to respond and that sometimes that must feel as if I am not attracted to you. I am. I just...have this sort of lethargic libido. It takes me a while to get going. You may have noticed that once I engage, I um...have a very nice time. And make sure that you do as well! I'm just not all that sexual, sex is not front and center in my life. It sort of sits to the side and I reach out for it occasionally. Not nearly enough for your tastes, I know. I will try harder at that. I never want you to feel unwanted or unattractive. Because, seriously? How can I NOT be attracted? You have a sensational body and you are very good in bed, honey. It's just that I tend to be more of a talker and less of a sexual being. When I think of us in bed, I go all honey inside. But, mostly...if left to my own devices, I'd choose to read. As I said, you are right...I need to make more of an effort. I will.
And when we argue, I won't resort to laughing or rolling my eyes. Okay. The truth? Sometimes I find your reasoning a little....odd. And I don't get your priorities. Like last night...the argument over why I chose to wear your beige cashmere scarf and then left it in the car where it ended up under the front seat and became stained. That was careless of me and I should have just admitted it instead of accusing you of being mercenary and stuck on possessions. The scarf is now at the dry cleaners and I will make sure to ask you if I can wear it next time. Promise.
Do you find it as ridiculous as I do that a fight over a scarf turned into a fight over me not wanting to make love much and you being a slob and me treating you as if you are stupid about literature and good movies and you treating me as if I am just as stupid about directions while driving (I still maintain that I do better with landmarks than "go north" or "go south"...if you just say turn left at the Dairy Queen, I am much more likely to find my destination...) and mechanics?
We are so above that sort of idiocy, don't you think?
I missed you in bed last night. I got up around 2 a.m. and was so tempted to get in with you in the guest room but you were so sweetly sleeping and I didn't want to disturb you. But, just for the record, I stood in the doorway for a long time watching you sleep.
Thank you for making my lunch this morning, even though I know we were still officially mad at each other. When I opened it and saw that you had cut my sandwich in quarters the way I like it, I smiled. And thank you for remembering to put that little container of rice pudding in too. And the golden delicious apple. It was so very golden and delicious...and the note with the smiley face and the "I love you" on it.
As I said, nothing goes unnoticed.
Let's find some time to make up properly soon. yes? Wanna take a shower together after Liv hits the hay? Mess around?
Or..even just smile at each other across the room so that we know that all is forgiven and we are back to us again.
Where we belong. Where I belong. Where you belong. Together.
I promise that I'll do better, honey.
I love you so much. This one is for you with all of my heart.
Because I really do love you in a place where there's no space or time. Always. Never doubt that.
I have your back and you have mine. Isn't that the way that love is supposed to be? We really do have so much figured out, love.
Meet you in the shower later?