Monday, March 12, 2012

Did we just have us a lil' moment there?

I thought about eyes today.

Mostly Bing's soft brown ones with the tiny golden flecks...but other eyes too.

Last night, I was sitting on the sofa trying to read. Both Bing and I have had back pain recently. Actually...hers is more BUTT pain, but whatever. We both spent the weekend camped out like we were 80.

So, there I was sitting on the sofa, my bare feet propped up on the coffee table which is totally AGAINST the rules in this house, but since I am one of the bosses, suck it.

I was waiting for The Amazing Race to come on. (And if you watch...what did you think of that idiotic woman from Big Brother who started whimpering like a four year old, complete with making boo hoo noises behind her hands...and then of course when she took her hands away...there were NO tears! Didn't you just want to slap her silly? God, I wanted to scream at her to STOP this instantly. And of course, her dimwitted boyfriend kept trying to hold her hand and make up...and finally he ducked his head enough to make her agree to still marry him...I kid you not...I would have left her bawling her fake baby tears in the middle of the street and begged someone to please switch partners with me...) to our regularly scheduled blog...

I was sitting barefoot and trying to read while pain shot up and down my back and legs.

I looked up to see Bing sitting on the coffee table (another no-no...yeah, I am one of THOSE parents), facing me. We smiled at each other, joked about what a pair of elderly women we were with all our aches and pains this weekend. She picked up my bare foot and put it in her lap, gently massaging my hammer toe.

I know. The romance is just too much for you, isn't it?

She kept rubbing gently and for some reason, our eyes met and just...held.

And I suddenly felt a hitch in my breath and my heart in my throat. We didn't say a word, she kept rubbing my poor hideous toe back and forth and our eyes stayed locked.

My heart ached for her. Wanting her. Glad she was here with me. Happy to know her.

Finally, we both leaned gingerly towards each other, and she said in a voice barely above a whisper, "I love you so much, babe. So, so much."

I swallowed hard.

"So..," I said. "Wanna go make some eggs?" (If you've followed my blog for a while, you know that this is our quaint way of saying...WANNA FUCK? And we were shameless and almost unbelievably nauseating when Liv was younger. We would sit at the dinner table and pretty much talk in code about fucking each other's brains out, talking about how much we love scrambled eggs or omelettes, nice and goopy...)

She smiled back, ruefully.

"Oh, sweetheart," she said. "I have the inclination, but not the strength!"

This made us both laugh out loud and we settled for some more time making eyes at each other and a few very loving kisses.

Bing put my foot back on the table and looked over her shoulder at me as she rose.

"Did we just have us a lil' moment, there, sweetie? It felt like a nice lil' moment."

I agreed that yes, we had us a moment.

All with our eyes.

Later that night, I went in to Liv's bedroom to smooch her goodnight. She was tucked up reading Shakespeare's Julius Caesar. It pains me to say that she does not share the love of William Shakespeare that I do. When I saw her lugging home Shakespearean tomes, I practically cried with happiness, told her that he was brilliant, that she was in for a treat! She has since told me that I am insane. That she can't make heads or tails of his writing and much prefers math, thank you very much.

"At least, math makes sense!"

I've tried sitting with her and putting his gorgeous sonnets into every day modern English. She is not agog. She regards this reading assignment as punishment. Even when I rented Franco Zeffirelli's Romeo and Juliet and sat clutching her hand while we watched it, she gave me looks of incredulity and rolled her eyes as I sat sobbing when Juliet held up the slim tube of poison, crying, "Oh churl! drunk all and left no friendly drop to help me after?"

She isn't digging Willie.

So, when I went in to say goodnight, I didn't wax poetically about her reading material, but sat down carefully next to her and petted Socks until she reached the end of a line and stopped, putting the book down, spine up, and smiling at me.

"Goodnight, my sweet Livvie," I said.

"'Night, mother," she said, coming up to place a smacky kiss on my lips. "I love you, sleep well. No bedbugs or bad dreams, okay?

I said okay.

And our eyes met briefly in pure mother/daughter love.

That happens less and less now that she is nearing her teens. But it does happen and I do love it so much.

When Liv was a baby, I would always rock her to sleep. My sisters told me that I was spoiling her rotten, that I was robbing her of the valuable lesson of self soothing.

I always thought that was nonsense. Why on earth should my daughter have to learn to self soothe when that was what I was there for? Soothing her fears, helping her fall into her dreams, smoothing her soft silky golden blonde hair away from her face.

I loved rocking her. I confess that I often spent her entire nap time holding her. I would plan to get laundry done or lay down myself for a brief siesta, but often ending up holding her closely, timing my breathing to hers, loving our closeness.

She never had to self soothe herself to sleep until she was about five or six and then it was because she wanted to do it herself, not because I insisted on it.

And often, in that time when I was holding her and her eyes were becoming milky with fatigue and letting go...that was when our eyes would meet and hold and we would fall into each other's souls.

We would stare dreamily at each other, besotted with love. A mother's love, a daughter's.

I miss those days. Now, I settle for times when our eyes meet for a brief flash of togetherness before we leave each other. I know that when I am on my death bed, it will be her eyes that soothe me, trading places with me finally.

When I was in high school, I learned that I had the power to seduce boys (and a few girls too.)

I liked having this power very much and used it to my advantage many times. I remember smiling inwardly as some guy or girl sat falling headfirst into my eyes while we sat on my college dorm bed or on a green lawn on campus. It was a heady experience to have that kind of power.

As I've aged, I've had to surrender that power. I no longer can be a mermaid singing a siren song to some limp eyed sailor or sailoress. Now, I am an older woman and I don't even get a second look from that hunky looking guy in the produce aisle. I might get a bag boy to carry out my groceries but that has nothing to do with my sex appeal and everything to do with looking frail and well...elderly.

So, Bing and I sharing a lil' moment there is a luminous gift for me.

And hey...she was holding my HAMMER TOE.

I think that says that I still have it, dudes.

Don't you?

Think about all those eyes in your life. The hot lusting eyes of your partner. The sweet helpless eyes of your babies, the warm, infectious laughing eyes of your friends.

Aren't we so lucky to have all those eyes?


kristi said...

Sorry about the "no eggs" I got mine scrambled fried AND over easy last night. :)

Fenstar de Luxe said...

What on earth is a hammer toe? LOL.

I have freckles in my eyes. Last week I was talking to someone who broke off mid sentence and in a voice full of awe she said "WOW you have amazing eyes". (She'd only just noticed the freckles!) Then we both laughed ourselves silly because the whole thing just felt a bit surreal!!

HARPER said...

reading about you and your daughter makes me miss my mom INCREDIBLY! quite poignant this post! oh, and that whiny bitch from Amazing Race annoys the hell outta me! Her bf needs to run for the hills!!

sybil law said...

Eyes, and those moments... oh my. Love them.
Still - you really doubted that you've still "got it"?! I knew - and we've never met! :)
May you catch the eyes of all the ones you hold dearest for a long, long time to come.

mcCutcheon said...

Oh Maria, you had to go for the Zefirelli version? She's a kid! Give her the Baz Luhrman one! :D
And tell her to read the comedies because those are pure gold.

We're watching Amazing Race as well and were happy to see that you gave that horrible girl (because she's not behaving like a woman so I refuse to call her one) even a year less than we did. we kept wondering whether she was secretly five years old. It's time for her and her wimpy ass fiancé to go awaaaay! Who are you rooting for?

Vinita said...

Thank you for sharing two amazing reading about Liv and Bing on your blog. You're crazy and protective of both of them and it shows.

And yes, we're lucky to have the people who really, really love us - hammer toes and all. I've found it so rare in today's worlds, true friends, true love, unconditionally loving family.

Zebsmom said...

I totally agree on the Amazing Race Crying bitch. It's so fake, but yet she thinks it works. He is just a tool!

I love the way you talk about the one's you love. Your love for them is fierce, and you get it back two fold.

I have to admit, I can't help but be a little jealous of you, but in a good way!

C said...

eye eye, maria... lol just had to. i rocked my 4 kids to bed every night as well and everyone said it was wrong, but i did it anyways and so glad i did. nuttin sweeter..

the eyes? diane had beautiful blue eyes, and we had lots of moments where i swear we could have full conversations with just a look.. i really miss that. she always loved my eyes too, it was the first compliment she gave me as we were getting to know eachother. said...

My hubby and I love to look into each others eyes....his sky blue, mine pale green...he says my eyes are most expressive and give me away all the time!! We have moments all the time, usually without words, they are priceless!!

Earth Muffin said...

Those moments are the best. Le sigh...

Prairie Wanderer said...

Ah, cut Liv some slack with Shakespeare - let her take life in her teeth and run around a little while and she'll come around.

Eyes. They always say a little more than we ever think they do, don't they? There are times when I look into Nick or Gerry's eyes and we seem to say to each other 'we're in this together, you and I' without ever saying a word. And I know even when they leave, it'll be okay.

Mitch Block said...

Oh, yeah, eyes have always been what get me. I remember the first time I looked into Jerry's. I thought, "God, they're the color of sky, clouds, and stars." I fell into them and still do. I LOVE this post. I'm glad you spoiled Liv rotten. As far as I'm concerned, an abundance of love is not what spoils a child. Lucky Liv and lucky you... and lucky Bing. And don't be surprised if you can still turn heads. I am confident you've still got it.

Anonymous said...

Listen, bestie girl, I see you about twice a month. Every damn time you pick me up the husband tells me, "M is one of those Meryl women who just never look bad." Remember when he called you gorgeous and I got mad because I was pregnant with Leo and felt like a freaking blimp? And you acted like a bad ass all night long by pretending to fling your hair around and re-doing your lippy stick?

Your almost ten years older than me and men still turn to look at you when we walk by. Not me, darlin. YOU. I suppose women do that too but I don't notice since I don't rock the bisexual thing like you do.

I love you madly. If I were gay, I'd want your bod. Now stop acting like you aren't pretty. You are!

the cuby poet said...

Éyes have these special way of expressing emotions, sadness, joy, concern but most of all that thing called love. Eyes can say in a glance things that would take so many words to articulate. I still feel those old butterflies when P gives me that look which says so much given after such a long time together. Your household sounds bound together by love.

the only daughter said...

Yes to the whiny 'Race' chick. Yes to the eyes. Yes to the love in and for this post.