Friday, January 06, 2012

Thoughts while reading an insipid women's magazine in a Dr's waiting room.

The title of the piece was A Year Of Living LARGE!!!!! 12 New Year's Eve Resolutions!!

1) Place celery and carrot chunks in brown paper cups in a Russell Stover's candy box. Refrigerate. Snacking will feel like cheating!!!!

Well, fuck me. You are such an asshat. Come here, wanna be-writer-of-this-slop. I would like to knock your teeth out. Because...are you THAT stupid? Do you REALLY think this would work. What sort of fantasy world do YOU live in, dumb ass?

2) On February 1st, have a florist send yourself one perfect rose with this message: "Thanks. It was wonderful!" Smile and shrug when your Beloved asks who sent it. Watch your Valentine's Day haul increase exponentially.

Wow. Getting attention through lying and manipulation. Who'da thunk it?

That's it. Not reading one more word of this drivel. But, I will copy down that recipe for tomato basil soup, thank you.

I paged through to the circulation information.

Fuck me twice.

Over 500,000 subscribers.



Anonymous said...

I totally agree.
There are reasons I always bring a book to waiting rooms in case "women's magazines" are the only thing around, and they often are. Luckily my doctor usually have Science and National Geographic around, that's good if I've forgotten my book and is going to have my blood pressure checked :-)

ChiTown Girl said...

I really wish you wouldn't hold back so much, and tell us how you REALLY feel sometimes. ;-)

This just made my morning!

LL Cool Joe said...

If I received anything on Valentine's day that said "Thanks. It was wonderful!" I'd be looking for a new partner the next day!

Mark said...

That dribble is just Filler for their magazines. And if I pretended that someone sent me a flower with that particular note tied to it, I'd be divorced or dead by the end of the day.

the only daughter said...

I would be interested in that tomato basil soup recipe. :-)

500,000 subscribers...explains so much, too much. ::deep, heavy, painful sigh::

Miss Healthypants said...

LOL! What can you say, there are LOTS of dumb people in this world. But you never know what tip you will pick up from those silly women's magazines - like the one I saw years ago that I still use today - if you get white deodorant marks on dark clothing, just use a dry (clean) nylon to rub off the marks. It totally works! :)

sybil law said...

Wow. What magazine is it? Actually, it probably doesn't matter - most women's magazines are full of ridiculous tripe.
Even better would be to give someone a candy box with celery and carrot sticks. They would be so THANKFUL!

After they punched you. Maybe.

John Gray said...

perhaps you should go into reviewing hints like these officially!
It would be colourful as it would be truthful!!!

Mitch Block said...

I am laughing my ass off! Thank you for writing what I always want to and don't! Would have loved to have also read your take on the other 10, but I have a feeling the top of your head would have popped off by the end. I'm sitting here smiling while enoying my diet soda and box of chocolates. Wait! These aren't chocolates!

e said...

So glad you didn't bother reading the rest of it!

Never leave home without a book...

JohnD said...

Oh dear Maria - LOL!

Did you know that Tracy Seneca, in her paper, “The History of Women's Magazines: Magazines as Virtual Communities”, writes,

“These publications have been much maligned by feminist writers, and justifiably so. Even critics who praise the popular women's press deplore the often patronizing and vapid writing that has always characterized popular magazines for women. Marjorie Ferguson argues in Forever Feminine

Women's Magazines and the Cult of Femininity that women's magazines promote a 'cult'; that they socialize women according to certain doctrines and are, in a sense, oppressive."

She writes:
“In promoting a cult of femininity these journals are not merely reflecting the female role in society; they are also supplying one source of definitions of, and socialization into, that role. - In maintaining the desire of adherents new and old to perfect and display their femininity, these journal can be seen to fulfill another of their most enduring purposes - the creation of profits for their owners in a market where the few organizations own the many titles.”

Happy New Year!

Prairie Wanderer said...

"Well, fuck me. You are such an asshat."

I nearly did a full-blown spit-take there!

Fiona said...

The only one I read is Vanity Fair. Excellent, lengthy articles.

OMG that rose thing....could backfire more often I'd think, with the 'Beloved' moving on to someone who doesn't cheat on him/her!

Just shaking my head....and there are SO MANY of those bleeding magazines out there. Mind numbing!

Anonymous said...

If I had done that rose thing with The Big Stupid Biker there would have been World War III and he would have probably STILL been mad at me by the time Valentine's Day rolled around and, frankly, I wouldn't have blamed him one bit.

As for the candy/veggie thing all I can say is "Oh ferfucksakes!".

Kimberly said...

Thank the Lord my doctor's office keeps copies of National Geographic, Time, and other decent publications mixed in with the crap. This is nuts.

The recipe sounds pretty yummy, though.

Anonymous said...

I haven't read a woman's magazine in years, and don't even let me get me started on the gossip rags like People and Us. I love Esquire for their fiction and great non-fiction articles. However, their attitude towards women is as asshat-ish as any women's magazine. Occasionally I pick up a New Yorker, but I can only take so much of the extreme left drivel they promulgate. By and large, mainstream magazines are the equivalent of mainstream network television - the minimum input for the maximum takeaway ($$$). I prefer science and nature journals.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

I call them "mancatching magazines." The lying and manipulating bit with the flowers could probably get some women killed if their partners were among the many jealous and violent types. Great advice there. My doctors all seem to stock golfing mags which interest me even less because they lack anything satire-worthy. At least women's mags are amusing in a rather repulsive way.

Fenstar de Luxe said...

And this is why I don't read such magazines. They make me want to remove my own eyes.

the cuby poet said...

I have learnt so much about you after reading all this. Such honesty can never be questioned!?! I love the sound of you both, it sounds fun at your house with Liv too. Follower of you now too.

Anonymous said...

I have a friend from Newfoundland. There they say, "Well fuck me sideways!" Kind of like fuck me twice I'm thinking:)

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