Thursday, December 08, 2011

Bah humbug, klepto.

Christmas decorations are up. Presents purchased. Still need to do a holiday baking,but it will be a small one since Vince and Thuan are coming for Christmas and they are the bakers of our tribe.

I will make fudge for the office Christmas party and Liv and I will pump out the obligatory frosted and sprinkled sugar cookies for all the neighbors.

I should be pretty happy. Even my Christmas cards are done and mailed.

But, IT WON'T STOP SNOWING. The first time it was pretty, now I am done with it. No more. Maybe a little on Christmas Eve just for the fun of it.

BUT I AM SICK OF SNOW. And it has barely begun.

It took me an hour and twenty minutes to drive home from work today. In an icy mess.

My lips are chapped, my fingernails tender and my skin so dry and scaly that I feel like I want to just jump into a vat of Vaseline.

I know I am a wussy pants. But, I truly do not like Winter. At all. I HATE feeling cold. Hate that feeling when the alarm goes off and I know that I have to climb out of that nice warm bed and put my bare foot on the freezing cold floor.

Bing is out de-icing our driveway so that we can both go to work tomorrow and Liv to school.

I feel like an eskimo when I leave the house, all wrapped up in my long heavy coat, mittens, a scarf, and a hat that will leave my hair all flat and ugly.

I have zilch Christmas spirit.

I am faking it, because that is what you do when you have a child. You fake it a lot. Don't sit there and tell me that you NEVER fake it for your child/children. If you are a parent, you do.

I did the stupidest thing today. I was in the office bathroom and I noticed that the custodian had put a half full roll of toilet paper on top of the fresh one in the roller.

You will NEVER guess what I did.

Okay, you might. Because I am transparent even though I think I am cagey.

I STOLE THE TOILET PAPER. I HAD MY PURSE WITH ME BECAUSE I WAS HEADED UP TO THE CAFETERIA FOR LUNCH, SO I PUT IT IN MY PURSE.

I sat there at lunch, talking nonchalantly with my co-workers but secretly wondering if I was now a kleptomaniac. And that is probably not a trait that people want in their shrink.

I put the toilet paper back.

Sternly told myself that this is NOT college. I no longer live in an apartment with a hole in the floor that looks down into the apartment beneath me. I have heat that actually works and doesn't make such a loud banging noise that it wakes me from a sound sleep (and believe me, when you are in med school, you can fall deeply asleep in a matter of seconds.)

I no longer work in a cafeteria to make ends meet. I no longer serve scrambled eggs with a net on my head. I don't have to pilfer apples and oranges for lunch.

The truth? When I was making my way up my career and was very, very poor, I often stole toilet paper. I stole it from bathrooms everywhere.

It was a habit. If the toilet paper wasn't on the steel holder, I took it home with me. Back then I had a backpack.

So, I think it was just a stupid lapse.

Either that or it was just the little stuff for now and soon I will be stealing lipstick from Target and then moving on to table lamps and pricey watches.

I am watching myself carefully to see if I lapse.

I am feeling insecure. I need you to tell me some stupid thing that you did once like stealing a half roll of toilet paper. Something even more stupid would be so great. Because I am half amused at myself and half very, very disappointed.

I am a mother, a role model. (I almost wrote "roll model" and that made me snort.)

We don't steal toilet paper. We scorn people who do those kinds of things.

Tell me something right now, so that I can scorn you a little. Because you know you are scorning me too right now.

Tell me something you did that took yourself by surprise and not in a good way.

C'mon...it will make me laugh and stop being a scrooge. A stealing scrooge.

Please?

16 comments:

sybil law said...

Hahahahaha! I don't mean to laugh, but really - it's funny that you put that roll of toilet paper in your purse!
I have done SO many stupid things, Maria - and SO many things I am not proud of... of course, when you ask, I can't think of one specific thing!
Rest assured, though - it won't be the last stupid or downright shameful thing I've done!
Plus, what's important is you put it back. Right?

I'm completely not into Christmas now, either. Partly, because it's just recently gotten cold here - with a freaking vengeance, I might add. Also - I don't know- I'm always kind of the scrooge at Christmas. I hate the shopping and cheesy overhead music and people and parking lots and all of it.
I do love the snow, though - so I'm impatiently waiting for that part.
You can laugh at me when I'm sick of it. :)

Zebsmom said...

If I didn't steal toilet paper when I was in college I wouldn't have ever whipped my ass at home. Not only that, but I have been know to eat my organic grapes as I walk through the grocery store, everytime I am there, I steal sweatner packets every where I go!!! And to top it all off, when I was in college I cleaned for people. Some of the jobs included doing their laundry, and I can tell you if they left any loose change in their pocket it was mine!!!
No Maria, you are not alone!!

Kimberly said...

I just did the toilet paper snatch at the university where I work about a week ago! We'd been out of toilet paper for two days and had been using flushable toddler wipes (a perk of small children). I saw a half roll (why don't we ever go for the full ones?) and grabbed it. It's amazing what I'll do to avoid a stop at the store. Now I still feel like a dork and a thief, but at least I'm in good company.

When I was in grade school, I stole a pixie stick from my friend's pantry. We were allowed to each take one, but I took a second, excused myself with it in my sleeve, and inhaled it in the bathroom. Still feel guilty about that sometimes, haha.

teeveezed said...

I smacked my dog with a thong.
(You call them flip flops, just in case you think I have them as actual underwear.)
I was mortified and she was puzzled but forgiving. I have never before hit a pet so I don't know what made me do it.
Still mortified writing about it.

Kass said...

I ordered 2 salads (one to take to my daughter) at a restaurant and I was in the parking lot when I realized they hadn't charged me for the 2nd one. I just didn't want to bother to march back in and pay for it. Obviously it bothers me because it jumped immediately to mind as I read your confession. I'm sure there are numerous other offenses, but this is the most recent.....(we're human).

Mark said...

Sorry, I got nothing. I guess you're just an awful thieving person. But you're funny so all is forgiven.
m.

kristi said...

I stole hair dye once. My older sister was in the store with me and she stole some socks and they caught her! She went to jail! I never ever ever stole again. Scared the crap outta me.

Destingirls said...

N and I stole toilet paper from an IHOP in florida when we were on vacation. We only had one more day and the condo we were staying at was on it's last roll. I say "we" but it was all her really, and I think she would be proud to take all the credit.

Vinita said...

Invented a relationship, an impending marriage and other related stuff to a salesperson to get him to take me seriously when looking at wedding outfits and chickened out when I saw my friend walk over to see what I was buying. I literally pushed her and myself out of the store before the salesperson could tell her about my impending wedding.

Karen said...

YOu know, I won't say because I am so embarrassed and I don't want it to ever come back to me that someone else knows, since it is not possible to answer anonymously. But it was awful, and when I took stock of the situation I was (and still am) almost nauseated. Whew. WHat the hell was I thinking??!!

Earth Muffin said...

When I was in high school, I left a baby-sitting job and was heading home in my car. I couldn't find my sunglasses and was feeling around under my seat when I hit something. It was the mailbox of an older couple who lived a few houses down from where I'd been baby-sitting. I pulled over, looked at the tiny amount of damage on my hood, the intact mailbox in their driveway and DROVE AWAY. Keep in mind that I grew up in a town of 4000 people, the daughter of parents who both came from well-known families in that town. How in the hell did I think I wasn't going to be found out?! In about a half hour the guy had called my dad and threatened to call the police if I didn't come over and apologize and help him fix the mailbox. So, that's what I did.

Scorn away, Maria.

And can I just say that:
"I sat there at lunch, talking nonchalantly with my co-workers but secretly wondering if I was now a kleptomaniac." is some funny shit? Because it is.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

I think taking something usually means that we feel deprived or under-appreciated in some way, and we're attempting to make it up to ourselves.

Many years ago when I was in a very unhappy marriage and the mother of three young children, I went into a shop I loved which sold exotic ethnic items, tasteful and pricey. I went into a dressing room and on impulse, very slowly pulled a large Peruvian wall hanging down until it was all off the wall, then folded it as small as possible and stuffed it into my large purse. When I got home, horrified, I hid it in an antique trunk for years. My husband saw it once and remarked that he had never seen it before. I said that I had gotten it "for a very good price."

To my amazement, I was never arrested, and it hangs over my desk right now. It is still one of my favorite possessions. So scorn me if you will, but I do have great taste. :)

Fen said...

Ha ha don't be daft and feel bad about stealing toilet paper, well you put it back so you didn't steal it anyway.

I'm jealous of your snow, only because it doesn't snow here. It has been hot but a change just blew through with rain and now it's just lovely out.

Prairie Wanderer said...

Look on the bright side... at least you didn't leave the stall without toilet paper at all. When helping yourself to toilet paper, leaving a stall without toilet paper is just a low class move. You observed proper pilfering etiquette. Well done.

I think this is something we've all done when striking out on our own. I think the first five years I lived on my own I didn't once buy toilet paper, paper towels, condiments, sugar, salt, pepper, tea bags or cleaners of any kind (the one plus side of being a janitor in a building with a restaurant).

Why did you do it now? Who knows? Seemingly normal, stable people do weird things all the time. We're wacky that way

English Rider said...

Would donating a full pack of T.P. to a shelter alleviate the guilt and help prevent a relapse?

Anonymous said...

Now or in years past? Honestly, there r things I feel too much shame aroun to share here. But klepto, sure. When I was in my twenties, struggling to support myself and my then bf while finishing my degree at cal... and felt too put upon by hard times, I guess... I would steal small items from the asuc. It cheered me. Don't scorn yourself... you're human and you deal w a lot of hard stuff in your job and in your life, your sensitive heart feels everything very deeply. As your da would say, sometimes the world is too much w us. In such times, a bit of tp is good to have... for wiping both eyes and assholes... really, isn't that what life is? Humpur and pathos, surprise and expected loss. It's everything and tp works for all of it! Zc