Ugh. Duct tape. Liv loves it. Likes to get quirky, unusual rolls of it. She makes book marks, purses, wallets, you name it.
And guess who has the best in stock?
You guessed it.
I DETEST Walmart. I would almost rather go to the dentist than go to Walmart. Plus, Bing and I made a vow several years ago to never go to Walmart if we could get the same thing somewhere else.
This makes it only necessary for me to set foot in there about once every two years.
So, I went in to buy duct tape for Liv's Christmas stocking. I went before December, hoping to avoid the Christmas rush. Silly me. Forgot that EVERY FUCKING DAY is crowded at Walmart.
And where do all these people come from?
I swear I seldom if ever see anyone normal there. There are carts. BIG carts. Because they want you to FILL THEM UP.
The aisles are narrow, so to squeeze more junk in there.
But, still. Someone told me that they once found the original Clairol Herbal Essence Shampoo there. You remember the kind. The green bottle with the lady with the long flowing hair on the front? Well, this person SWORE up and down and sideways that she bought it at a Walmart in Indiana.
I looked. Didn't see it. I did see some conditioner that smelled like acai berries. I admit here and now that I have a weakness for acai berries. I put the conditioner in the cart even though I was screaming to myself: DO NOT BUY ANYTHING EXCEPT DUCT TAPE!
I think they mind fuck you when you walk in the door. Like there is some chemical that invades your brain and makes your eyes start darting around and your hands seize up and start grabbing anything and everything.
I saw a man who looked EXACTLY like The Fonz with grey hair.
There were two grown up identical twins who were both hugely pregnant and even wore their hair exactly the same. I had this uneasy feeling that the father of their children was the same man. Don't ask me why.
I saw the obligatory ten teenage girls with babies on their hips. One was looking at lip gloss with her friends. She stopped in front of the sample lip gloss pots. Now, you couldn't pay me enough money to sample anything from Walmart, especially lip gloss. Even though there is a little tray of tiny plastic paddles to use, I KNOW they aren't used. This girl was talking to her friends, opening bottles of this and that perfume and smelling. The baby on her hip, about a 9 month old girl complete with pierced ears, moussed hair and a big Justin B clip in her hair was gaping towards the open lip gloss pot with her mouth wide open. She couldn't quite reach it though, but her drool did. Ugh.
Another teen mom was looking at purses and kept slamming her baby's head into other purses as she leaned over to check out this one and that one. He wasn't crying, though. He looked like this kind of shit happened a lot. Like he was used to it. I wondered if she used him for a door stop when he was an infant.
Still another teen parent was in a vicious argument with the baby daddy, or I guess it was. Couldn't stay for sure. I just know his name was Eddie because she kept whining out his name until I wanted him to push her face into a bunch of purses.
"Eddie! But you promised to come for turkey dinner! My mom is counting on us going there!" Eddie? What do you mean I can go by myself? No, man. I ain't a'gonna do that. Come ON, sugar. It won't kill ya. Eddie! Pulllleaaazzze. God, fine. Make me cry. You don't care. Too bad my name isn't Kelly. Then you'd care, huh?"
He only perked up when he heard the name Kelly come out of her mouth. So I'm guessing this relationship won't be lasting much longer.
The baby was cute, though. Even though she wasn't batting an eye as her mother stood screaming. She looked bored.
I saw a mom with about seven kids who looked like she wanted someone to just get a gun and shoot her right there in the bath towel aisle.
I know, I know...what was I doing in the bath towel aisle when I was supposed to be looking for duct tape?
I honestly have no idea. It's like the Walmart spell starts controlling your legs after awhile.
I did see a glassy eyed mom with her tween daughter who kept smiling and saying, "I LOVE THAT!" no matter what her daughter showed her. I didn't love any of it. And if Liv ever tries to put a tee shirt in our cart that says put on this earth to drive men crazy with lust, I will spank her. And I have never spanked her. Walmart makes you do things.
I finally found the duct tape and there it was: the perfect roll of tape. It had peace symbols all over it. I smiled. But there was an old lady in front of me looking at duct tape first. There was only one roll of the peace symbols. I wondered if it would be rude to just grab it and run. I mean, why not? I could probably out run her. She was old. Much older than I am.
See? This is what Walmart does. It turns you into the bad angel that sits on your shoulder.
Just go ahead and do it. Don't you think Liv would LOVE that tape? And what the hell does that old bat need with peace symbol duct tape? Hey, just hit her with your purse. Knock her down and grab the tape and run.
I tried to be patient but she was STANDING RIGHT IN FRONT of the duct tape. So, I glanced at the different kinds of string for a while. Waited for her to move.
She finally grabbed some duct tape with skeletons on it and left.
I tried hard not to think about what she was going to do with it. Maybe she had prisoners in her basement and she was getting really, really sick of gray duct tape.
I went to the check out lane. Of course, there were ten people in front of me.
The guy in front of me needed a shave. He didn't look all woodsy and hot with a five o'clock shadow. He looked like he shot squirrels with bb guns.
He turned around and smiled at me with bright yellow teeth. Held up a leather belt. Nodded at me like this meant something. What did he want me to say?
Gee, what a fine looking belt with such a big buckle! Wanna spank me? Because I'm a bad girl!"
I looked away but he held it up to my face. I took a step back, stepping on the person in back of me who said, "Watch it!"
The guy with the belt smiled. "I'm gonna go home and put up my feet and drink some vodka. Do you want to know why I drink vodka?"
I sighed. Said, "Why do you drink vodka?"
"Because my old lady can't smell it on my breath. Guess where I keep it."
I guessed the basement.
He smiled broadly. I'm sure he was a tobacco chewer.
"Righto, you are one smart cookie!"
I broke eye contact and pretended to be fascinated by Chiclets and Big Red Gum.
Amazingly, he didn't continue.
I eventually got through the line with my duct tape and acai berry hair conditioner. I walked to my car and turned the key. And then I heard a loud cracking noise.
It was the guy from the store. He was standing by the car just to my left and had opened a beer. He took a long swallow and I watched him from the inside of my car. He drained that sucker and threw it across the parking lot.
I put the car in gear and drove home.
Liv better fucking LOVE that duct tape.