I've been waiting for it,hoping it would never happen.
It has. Happened.
Liv and I took Socks for a long walk last night. The weather was gorgeous and I haven't felt well all weekend, so haven't been able to get out into it.
Plus, Liv is having a very hard time adjusting to junior high. Well, I don't think it's junior high, really. I think it's a school that isn't Montessori. She came home last week, stressed because she had to know the Memorare by heart the next day ("Remember oh most gracious Virgin Mary...)
Montessori was never big on memorization. I think the only thing she ever memorized was the multiplication table and the states. And I had issues with this. WHY do they make the children memorize this? But, I sighed, reminded myself that we knew going in that this was a Catholic school. So, Bing and I, having both grown up in Catholic school and still knew the thing by heart, we coached her. She memorized it.
She doesn't like the discipline through threats. The first day, her teacher laid down the rules, what the punishment would be for this or that infraction. Liv was appalled. She comes from a school where children are taught that when the teacher runs her fingers through the chimes, you stop whatever you are doing and look up and listen quietly. They've done this since pre-school. Discipline is rarely, if ever, a problem at Montessori schools. Well, this is traditional school.
Liv came home terrified that she would do something wrong, not be aware of it and be punished. I talked to her at length about how we KNEW this was coming. Did she need to speak to the school counselor? She said no, that she wasn't some weak baby.
She began having stomach aches every single morning. I steeled myself and made her go to school anyway. She went. I felt like I was sending her into stress every day, but I told myself that she needed to acclimate and she would be fine. Bing told me to stop worrying, let it go, that all kids have problems with junior high. Did I know ANYONE who LIKED junior high? No. So, there.
Liv's face became more and more pinched. She's never been a big eater, has always been borderline skinny. Now she began to eat less. She shared a little, not much. I didn't push, tried to wait patiently.
So, as we walked the dog last night, I hoped for some conversation. It came. She sighed and said that this long weekend sure went fast, didn't it? I agreed. She thanked me for the pebble that I slipped into her pocket on the first day of school, telling her to finger it when she felt scared or missed me.
"I think I have rubbed that rock raw, Mama," she said, looking away.
My throat constricted. I nodded. Waited.
She wasn't going to talk without prodding, I could see that.
I finally asked her to tell me what was the worst thing about school.
"Well," she said, "Some of the kids aren't that nice. You know that boy that called me a tree toad and then a flamingo because my legs are so long and skinny?"
I said I did. Pee Butt, I thought privately.
"Well, last week in front of everyone, he called me lesbo spawn."
I swallowed hard. Shit. I had worried about this, but hoped that it wouldn't be an issue.
I told her that I thought that this was something that maybe an administrator should handle, did she want me to call the school? Talk to her teacher?
"No!" she said, immediately. "This is something that I have to handle myself, Mama. The last thing I want them to see is me whining or being a tattle tale."
I asked her what she did when he called her that.
"I just looked at him and laughed and said, 'Is that all you've got?' and he didn't say anything else. Well, until lunchtime and then he asked me if I was into girls since I played soccer. So, I asked him if he needed some tips since he was obviously not doing all that well in the girl department. That shut him up. But, it probably won't last..."
No, I agreed, it probably wouldn't.
"Mama, I think that maybe it looks bad for me because I like math and I was talking to this boy at lunch about fantasy football leagues because he and I both are into them. Also...yeah...I play soccer. And I don't know...maybe I AM into girls. I don't think so, though. I mean, I get all shy around Ben Malvern because he is really good looking. I wonder if there's something wrong with me..."
No, I told her. You are just not that into boys yet. Or girls. Doesn't matter yet. And I think you are handling your tormentor pretty well. But, what can I do? What can I do to help?
"Just let me talk to you when we walk Socks," she said, leaning her head down to touch mine.
I wanted to cry. This is what I feared would happen. Should I step in? Let her handle it for a while longer and see how it goes?
Should I have even had her? I knew from her birth that this battle would be hers to fight sooner or later and was it selfish of me to want to be a mother, to want to bring a child into this cruel world?
A lot to think about on a chilly Tuesday morning.
What do you think I should do? Advice? I would love some ideas.
25 comments:
:/ I wish I could help. But I can't, not even from a student POV because school is so much different here.
Just this: So what if she has two moms and that is causing problems. You know that if it wasn't that it would be something different. There's always something kids will bully other kids with. However, how to deal with it... I don't know. I think she reacted well though. that boy might just lose interest in bullying her if she doesn't let it get to her. Maybe you should find an online forum for gay parents and see what people with similar experiences have to say to that?
I wish Liv all the best. She'll get through it somehow. I have hope not just for her but also for the kids that I one day hope to have with Finn.
be there...
be your normal self
perhaps speak to her form teacher (in private)- this will support you....will alert the teacher nothing more....
kids today are not fazed with gay lifestyles
it will pass
xxxx
I know exactly how you feel, it sucks - big time. You will know when to get involved if you need to. She seems to be handling herself well. I am sure it is a whole new world for her. Keep taking those walks. It will get better soon.
I am very impressed with your daughter's ability to deflect hurtful comments. Good for her.
My advice is for you and Bing to get involved with school activities as a couple so that parents and kids see you as 'parents' not just as 'the lesbians.' My partner and I found this quickly diffused any perceived differences between us.
Still, even with the goodwill we built up during the elementary school years, our daughters had to get through a whole new set of kids in middle school. Tough years no matter what your social standing. I think the acceptance of their close friends helped them get through it.
But, rest assured, it goes get better. While being different in middle school (for any reason) sucks, in high school it becomes an asset. Having two moms became very cool.
Truth is, there are going to be bullies everywhere. I think you've already given Liv the skills she needs to push past them. And a great mom to soothe the inevitable hurts as they happen.
Oh Maria. I wish I had some magic words that could make it all better for Liv but I don’t. All I can say is that you and Bing seem to be doing a great job in raising her. She’s smart and aware and yet innocent. And that’s a good thing. So many parents do their kids a disservice (I think) their children by trying to toughen them up. Help her keep her innocence a little bit longer.
If it wasn’t the lesbian thing, it would be the “she’s too smart” thing, or the “she’s got too much/too little money” thing, or something else. This is a great teachable moment to help her realize that people will always be critical so it’s best if she focused on being the best/kindest/funniest/smartest person that Liv can be. Remember - she’s strong and fearless. She was raised that way.
"Should I have even had her? I knew from her birth that this battle would be hers to fight sooner or later and was it selfish of me to want to be a mother, to want to bring a child into this cruel world?"
Now I don't know you or Liv, but try to imagine what she would do if you let her know you felt like this. I imagine her looking at you like you grew two extra heads and going "Mama, why would you ever think that?" She loves you so much, and I'm sure she would never agree with that statement at all.
Honestly, middle school/junior high just sucks, especially when you came from a great elementary school. I think that you're doing a great job with Liv. Granted, I'm only 19 and have never raised a child, but I read you blog and go, I really hope my relationship with my kids can be as good as Maria and Liv's.
So back to what you should do. Liv has said she just wants you to be there for her, not stepping in, not talking to teachers. Respect those wishes and you'll be fine! Can you image if your da went and talked to the teacher about someone picking on you, especially if you'd asked him not to? You'd still love him of course, but you'd probably be annoyed.
Don't panic! From what you've said, I think Liv is doing pretty well so far all things considered. Just give her more time to "adjust" (she'll probably always think it's a weird system compared to Montessori - and rightly so!)
K
I think you should do exactly what she asked - listen to her when you walk Socks. Talk to her but hold back, even when you want to rant.
She handled herself just fine!
And honestly, I think a kid from public school would have problems adjusting to Catholic school.
Most of what she said are problems she'd face anywhere.
You're doing just fine, Maria! So is Liv.
xo
Having had to endure constant bullying back in the late 70's while I was in junior high school, reading this makes me clinch my jaw & want to kick the SOB in his smart little ass!!
The memorization of meaningless whatever imo is an indication of nothing AND living in fear of punishment for making an innocent mistake is not appropriate.
I have lived in a progressive village in Ohio for almost 24 years now where children of lesbian & gay parents are a visible & accepted & valued part of our community. The schools also have a pretty strong anti-bullying campaign. I know junior high is still a tough time for some kids. It was for me for TWO YEARS & I really wish my parents would have been concerned to the extent that they would have considered an alternative schooling situation for me.
Liv has her wit & maternal support to back her up, but she should NOT have to feel totally stressed out all day long while at school (obviously you know this). Keep talking. Changing schools at some point does not equal failure.
PS- I am now 49 years old. Successful. Relatively happy. Late blooming lesbian. Mom of two sons in their early 20's. Mainly recovered from 7th & 8th grade.
Okay - advice.. Well, I'm afraid I completely disagree with Bing here. I would take your daughter's stomach aches and not eating very seriously. She is telling you clearly that that environment is toxic for her. I would do some serious shopping around until you find an environment that is safe for both gay kids and children of gay parents. This will require you to take the lead and be totally out and totally assertive when dealing with all school administrators. Tell them why you're changing schools and what you're looking for in a new one.
I think that most LGBT parents do a wonderful job with their kids, but I would say that of paramount importance in the school setting is being out and being involved.
Now, perhaps this is easier for me to say living in a big city with lots of school choice - and I don't know exactly where you live or what school options are available to you. But I would never send my children to a Catholic school, no matter how good it was, because I think anyone at all connected to the LGBT community would be forever destined to outsider status there.
Wishing you all the best as you seek out the answers that work for you.
okay, crap... now i'm feeling awful, too... not that i didn't care when i read your earlier posts... just... i didn't know it was soooo bad... i thought it was more the hardness of finding your way in a new group, the middle school angst, etc.
shoot... gosh... i think your team of readers needs to ponder. this is awful, maria. i feel like punching that kid in the face.
first... this is probably not so helpful... but what about watching "it gets better" videos on youtube? not bec. liv may or may not be gay/bi... but bec. it's about how hard it can be in the moment... but it DOES get better... and it acknowledges all the CRAP out there the world has for gay/bi/trans teens... or teens who are children of...
just a starting thought.
i will ponder.
my sis is gay/partnered... their son is just starting first. they are lucky in that they live in gay friendly town in socalif.
we live in SF - diff issues, here. anti-gay crap, yes... but very different dynamic this being SF. my dtr's school has gay/straight alliance, etc.
aargh... diff bec. recourse thru school may be limited bec it's cath school, hmmm...
and yes, OF COURSE you should have liv! of course! of course!
don't for a minute think you shouldn't have.
zc
Let her handle it. That is the best thing you can do for her. If this (idiot, needs to die) boy wasn't making fun of her for having lesbian parents, then he (or someone else) would be making fun of her for something else. It happens, it's part of junior high. Liv is doing really well at handling it thus far and since she has requested that all you do is let her talk to you, then that is all you should do.
Liv has to learn to fight these battles herself, that is how she's going to grow as a person and be able to function in the world. Being in a school that is different from Montessori is good for her, even if it doesn't seem so now. It's teaching her to adjust to different circumstances, to step out of her comfort zone and try something different.
I assume Liv will go on to college because she seems to be a smart girl so even if you had kept her in Montessori throughout junior/high school, she would have had to make a major adjustment in college to a different kind of environment. Better she does it now so she can learn those adjustment skills.
I know it's awful to see your child go through pain, but I swear to you that everything Liv is experiencing right now is NORMAL! I went through it as did all of my friends. Liv will make it, she's smart and she has a mother who cares. That puts her far and ahead of a lot of kids.
And by the way, YES YES YES YES you absolutely did the right thing in having Liv. You produced a great kid who is smart, funny, and amazing. You've added an amazing human being to the world. As I said above, if Liv wasn't being teased about lesbian mom, she'd be teased about something else. It comes with the territory. You were not selfish for having her, you were smart. You wanted to be a mother and she is a great kid. I see nothing worth questioning there!
I think you are doing exactly what you should be doing. my initial reaction would be to jerk her right out and put her back in Montessori...but you both gave this a lot of thought, weighed the pros and cons, and she seems determined to muscle through. I suspect, though, that things will continue to level out, especially since she is handling the pee butt with such finesse. props to her for being coolheaded and quitwitted when dealing with that type of cretin. how fantastic your relationship that she feels so comfortable sharing.
not so much advice as encouragement i guess :-)
okay, maria...
an idea...
is there someone at the school that you feel could be an ally for you and liv?
esp someone who understands chrisitan values as being about tolerance, love, compassion, forgiveness, etc. i.e. a new testament (vs old testament) kind of person?
someone higher up or influential... either admin or a leader by nature and regard... who can work on livvie's behalf.
that's what i've come up with so far...
someone on the inside who can work on the inside to ensure that teachers look out for liv and set a tone that is anti-bullying.
common sense media has info on cyber bullying.
maybe you can have a meeting with that man you met with in interview process... he was nice, yes?
talk about bullying, name calling... mention the common sense media stuff just as something he could share with teachers.
and then sort of add in info about this being a challenging transition anymore livvie bec diff sort of school.
i would think that approaching teachers with the idea of
"live and i want her to succeed here... we're excited about her being in school, learning, etc.
what can we learn about how to best do that here? what works for you as a teacher?"
and then let them blah blah blah and then add in
"hmmm... we'll do that... and can we get some help in encouraging liv to such and such? and can you give us a bit of time to get up to speed on memorization?"
i know, sounds ass-kissy.
at 51, i go for strategy. it's the only way i've found that works...
use strategy... on deep level find the oneness and send love, compassion, etc... but also keep in mind stragegy.
someone powerful on the inside...
on your side...
helpful.
influential person with compassion, deep understand... who likes livvie... sees her shining beauty and potential... such an amazing student...
such a person... very helpful.
zc
I think you are both (you and Liv) doing the right thing for now. She knows that you are there to listen to her and that you have offered to step in.
It sounds like she's doing a pretty good job of standing on her own two (not quite sure how big they are right now) feet, too.
This is going to continue to be a learning experience for you both. Make sure she keeps talking to you, so that you know what's going on.
I think you'll know for sure if things reach a point that an adult needs to step in. I don't think it is at that point now (from the sound of it).
Fucking junior high.
I think the problem with it is that it's where kids really start to become the people they're going to be for the rest of their lives...and a lot of people, frankly, just aren't that great. It's even more painful in junior high, because the worst of them haven't yet ended up in jail or on The Real Housewives. They're just out there, free to roam the cafeteria, tormenting the rest of us.
Fuck that place.
I hate it that some kids are so mean. I'm glad that Liv talked to you about it and it does sound like she's holding her own quite well. She didn't give the little jerk the reaction he was hoping for. If she continues to play it calm and cool...he will move on to someone else. People like him NEED to hurt others and get a reaction just like an addict needs their fix. I know you want to help, but she's doing ok and as long as the communication is open between you two, she'll be fine. The hateful little brat is probably rich and spoiled rotten...all I can think of is Harry Potter's nemesis, Malfoy. No matter what, it seems like we all have to put up with jerks like that here and there through-out our lives. All you can do is pity them for they are truly pathetic. Hugs to Liv and you too for raising such a level-headed and intelligent child.
I am loving her comebacks for this kid. Go, Liv!
Speaking as a mom, a middle school teacher and a former Catholic school girl, I think you should let her handle it a while longer and see how it goes. Sad though she may be, she's certainly smart and confident enough to handle this bully and any others that may come her way. This will help her develop a little "street cred" with the other kids. And Bing is right, nobody likes middle school. Your evening dog-walking talks will help her navigate this year and next year she'll probably have forgotten what she was so upset about.
That said, if Asshat McBullypants' ignorant, hateful comments continue, I'd recommend calling the administrator, if only to let him/her know what going on. You don't have to let Liv know you did it, you don't have to have any sort of expectation of consequences for the boy. Just put the kid on the administrator's radar, that can be more helpful than many parents realize.
Here's hoping this week and the weeks that follow go slowly but surely better for Liv!
I think you are handling it marvelously so far. She has said she doesn't want you to get involved at school, so I would respect that for now. It looks like what she wants from you at the moment is for you to listenn to her - which you are doing so well. If things get out of hand, I'm pretty sure you will be made aware of it. Also, I am so impressed at how she is handling this little shit - pardon my french. She is a great kid and a credit to you. My kids were substantially older when I came out to them, but if you can find others in the same position as you to turn to for support and advice, I'm sure it would help you a lot. Just remember that marvellous young man who addressed the Minnesota ? legislature to tell how well he turned out with two moms. I see Liv being just like that!
Wow.. I've been thinking about you and Liv since you first mentioned this.. And while it's not good to run away from problems, it's not good to be physically sick over them, either.. I am wondering where do other students from the Montessori school go to seventh grade? Maybe theresnsome other private or charter school?
It concerns me that Liv is feeling physically ill. However, I think the pressure will ease as she continues to adjust to not only the difference in environment and teaching philosophy. She seems to be handling the little shit quite well and if he is the only issue in that regard, I think she's got that covered.
When I read this post earlier it occurred to me that Liv may feel some pressure to state and prove her preference at some point, likely before she is ready.
That concerns me even more than the adjustment pangs of pain.
Listen to her. Comfort her. Encourage her. And while she said no, I'd have to have a discreet chat with a teacher or admin so as to, as someone said, put the issue on the radar of those in charge.
Yes, Liv will have to learn to navigate a world beyond the haven that was Montessori. And she will. By the sounds of it, she's doing a pretty good job so far, given the givens.
My thoughts are with you all.
Just let her talk to you when you walk Socks.
She told you what she needs ... speaking from experience (2 daughters now 26 and 23 .. holy shit!!) ... you asked, now listen to her.
Easier said than done, but well worth it in the end.
Best of everything to you and your Liv!
I agree with the folks recommending that you get involved with the school / parent community and use that as a way to find an ally in the school, just in case Liv's excellent bully-deflection skills need some back-up at some point down the line.
I am a 20+ year veteran of teaching and administration in a Catholic High School and I am here to tell you that I have not yet seen the Catholic school without gay personnel, often high-placed and well respected. Get in there and find the gay people. Get their ear and make sure that if the bullying goes on that there is an administrative response. They have a legal obligation to protect your daughter from a hostile environment. Make them honor it.
Meanwhile, three cheers for Liv and her good sense and skills at dealing with this stuff. She sounds like she has taken her mother's lessons well to heart.
(I remain thankful for my wonderful luck that my own children are in schools that are not only tolerant but are chock full of queer-friendly people. My son has a lesbian teacher and is one of 3 kids in his class with lesbian moms. My daughter only has one other child of lesbians in her class, poor thing.)
Hang in there and breathe.
One thing that Liv said that gave me pause is that he did the name calling "in front of everyone." So this little creep hasn't only made Liv terribly uncomfortable, he's also created a toxic and negative atmosphere for the kids who witnessed the name calling. Any possibility of talking with the administration, asking what policies they have in place and what programs they offer to provide a safe and positive environment for their students?
What a wonderful little girl. I'm in the "Junior high is hell anyway" camp, but that doesn't make it any better.. Her Montessori classmates must be having a hellish time, too-anyway to get Moms and kids together for a bitchfest?
And for the next wave of Livs, is there any nice way to suggest to the Montessori powers that be that it might be nifty to give these sweet kids some preparation for the real world schools?
I am so glad you are there for Liv. You're the pro though, you know the crap is going to hit and you can't take away the pain. It's a horrible age. You will know if it's too much.
Having two Moms is a convenient target. As was said by others, it's always something. You kept her away from it until she's was strong enough to take on anything. And what if, horror of horrors, she does secretly wish she had a more conventional family once in a while. Who doesn't?
Love her, give her a shoulder to cry on, and don't let her catch you crying. You're the Mother. This is when it gets tough, and you are one fierce Mama!
it actually hurt my heart to think that a fucking little bully could have the power to make you think twice about having had liv. oh maria, i know you dont like hugs but that is what you'd get from me.
NEVER ever doubt anything you have done as far as liv is concerned. i think liv will be just fine if she keeps up her smartie pants humorous responses to the bully. he wont quit after just a few great combacks, but if she can keep it up for just another week or so, he will back off. also, tell her if she cant think of anything clever at the moment, to just burst out laughing and walk away. i was bullied too and i did not know how to handle it. she does. she will earn respect for not getting pulled in to his game. she should never have to defend her family for being gay. if she does, it will appear it is a weakness, shameful part of her life and we both know it's not. my mother used to say "the more you stir the shit, the more it stinks" luckily, she is wiser than her years and more mature than most. no one can hurt her, without her permission.
this royally pisses me off for her. what bullies want is attention and someone they can control. laughing is a great deflector.
liv will not only be fine, SHE WILL BE GREAT! and i agree with the readers to let it settle for awhile before deciding what to do next.
fucking catholic schools---- there're suposed to be christain, all accepting, and non judgemental people. fucking liars.
nomatter where she goes, she will most likely have to face stuff like this, not just because you are gay, but because she is a kid and kids are mean. i think it's best to let her handle it now so she can toughen her skin a bit.... unfortunatly this is the way of life these days... it shouldnt be, but it is.
follow your heart. you are a good mama.
hugs.
lots of 'em.
chris
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