Occasionally, I get strange comments. One asked me to describe my feet. Especially the hammer toe. Was it on the right or left foot? Which toe?
Another told me that she was sure that we had been together in a past life and if I would only meet her in Orlando, she could prove it.
Sorry, honey. I'm not much of a Disney girl. Maybe we were together in a past life, anything's possible, but this is MY LIFE NOW. I think I'll concentrate on that.
Still another told me that I sounded like I thought my ass would sizzle in the rain.
I admit I chortled over that one, because...c'mon....it IS kind of clever.
But, sadly my ass doesn't sizzle. Doesn't even hiss. It does sag. Does that count?
A couple people have said that they wish we could be neighbors.
Truthfully? I'm not really all that friendly or gregarious with my 'hood. Bing is. She knows what everyone does for a living and what they are making on the grill for supper that night. When the power goes out, she's the one outside visiting with the neighbors. I'm the one sitting in the house reading.
But, yesterday, I received the mother of all comments.
"Wuld you like to roll play with me? I could be your sex slave or you could be mine, You choose, babee. My names Cort but I'm engaged and my girlfriend cant find out about this, k?"
Ok. Now, I confess that I am not good at playing with rolls. I sort of like to eat mine slathered with honey butter.
There we go...now I get it. Oh, Cort. My partner would tell you that I pretty much suck at any sort of role playing. I can't even do phone sex, that is how slow I am. (The one time she attempted to coax me into phone sex, I misunderstood and thought she REALLY wanted to know what I was wearing, so instead of using a kitten voice to say, "I'm bare nekkid, hotness!" I said that I was in her old Gin Blossoms tee shirt with the spaghetti stain on it that we could never get out. Yeah. I am THAT dense.)
To be honest, we haven't tried role playing. My interest is pretty much zilch. I'm too lazy to put on a costume. I just want to get to it, ya know? I don't want to work THAT hard just to have sex, or as my partner and I whimsically call it: making eggs.
Yeah, aren't we just adorable?
But, I am intrigued by the sex slave thing. Although, let's take the word sex out of there because I'm not really into sex with anyone other than my partner.
Ok, Cort. You want to come clean my toilets, I'm good with that, I suppose. Do you bring your own cleansers or do I have to supply them? How are you at vacuuming? Emptying dishwashers? Picking up dog shit out of the back yard?
Can you make a pan sparkle that has had fried potatoes burnt to a crisp in it?
Do you enjoy the smell of bleach on a hot day?
Can you buff wood floors until they shine like vaseline?
And, hey..my car needs a good cleaning. The sun was shining in the front window today and my daughter pointed out that it was so dirty that it made everything look cloudy.
Cort? Still there?
And you know, maybe you should be role playing with your girlfriend, huh?
Does she know that you are sending risque little notes to bloggers whom you don't even know? (And who really, really have no desire to meet you either?)
Cort, you sound like kind of a dick. And frankly, I have to deal with plenty of dicks already. Well, not literally, of course! No. No penises on the premises here, except for the dog's and he's fixed, so he no longer tries to yank my arm out of the socket when we are on a walk and he smells a female dog. No. Now he just smiles benignly at them like a very old Chinese man.
Cort, you really need to think about coming um...clean (no pun intended) with your girlfriend. Because, seriously, dude...no girl wants to suck face with some guy who writes to bloggers and asks them to um...ROLL play and be sex slaves.
(To be honest, your bad spelling and poor grammar turned me off far more than your dirty little suggestion, although that was pretty creepy.)
I'm afraid that I will have to turn you down, sport.
Now, I need to go
Seriously, pup. You are SO barking up the wrong tree....