Thursday, September 01, 2011

How do all the nut jobs find me?

Ok. I have the pee butt stalker.

Occasionally, I get strange comments. One asked me to describe my feet. Especially the hammer toe. Was it on the right or left foot? Which toe?

Another told me that she was sure that we had been together in a past life and if I would only meet her in Orlando, she could prove it.

Sorry, honey. I'm not much of a Disney girl. Maybe we were together in a past life, anything's possible, but this is MY LIFE NOW. I think I'll concentrate on that.

Still another told me that I sounded like I thought my ass would sizzle in the rain.

I admit I chortled over that one, because...c' IS kind of clever.

But, sadly my ass doesn't sizzle. Doesn't even hiss. It does sag. Does that count?

A couple people have said that they wish we could be neighbors.

Truthfully? I'm not really all that friendly or gregarious with my 'hood. Bing is. She knows what everyone does for a living and what they are making on the grill for supper that night. When the power goes out, she's the one outside visiting with the neighbors. I'm the one sitting in the house reading.

But, yesterday, I received the mother of all comments.

"Wuld you like to roll play with me? I could be your sex slave or you could be mine, You choose, babee. My names Cort but I'm engaged and my girlfriend cant find out about this, k?"

Ok. Now, I confess that I am not good at playing with rolls. I sort of like to eat mine slathered with honey butter.


There we I get it. Oh, Cort. My partner would tell you that I pretty much suck at any sort of role playing. I can't even do phone sex, that is how slow I am. (The one time she attempted to coax me into phone sex, I misunderstood and thought she REALLY wanted to know what I was wearing, so instead of using a kitten voice to say, "I'm bare nekkid, hotness!" I said that I was in her old Gin Blossoms tee shirt with the spaghetti stain on it that we could never get out. Yeah. I am THAT dense.)

To be honest, we haven't tried role playing. My interest is pretty much zilch. I'm too lazy to put on a costume. I just want to get to it, ya know? I don't want to work THAT hard just to have sex, or as my partner and I whimsically call it: making eggs.

Yeah, aren't we just adorable?

But, I am intrigued by the sex slave thing. Although, let's take the word sex out of there because I'm not really into sex with anyone other than my partner.

Ok, Cort. You want to come clean my toilets, I'm good with that, I suppose. Do you bring your own cleansers or do I have to supply them? How are you at vacuuming? Emptying dishwashers? Picking up dog shit out of the back yard?

Can you make a pan sparkle that has had fried potatoes burnt to a crisp in it?

Do you enjoy the smell of bleach on a hot day?

Can you buff wood floors until they shine like vaseline?

And, car needs a good cleaning. The sun was shining in the front window today and my daughter pointed out that it was so dirty that it made everything look cloudy.

Cort? Still there?

And you know, maybe you should be role playing with your girlfriend, huh?

Does she know that you are sending risque little notes to bloggers whom you don't even know? (And who really, really have no desire to meet you either?)

Cort, you sound like kind of a dick. And frankly, I have to deal with plenty of dicks already. Well, not literally, of course! No. No penises on the premises here, except for the dog's and he's fixed, so he no longer tries to yank my arm out of the socket when we are on a walk and he smells a female dog. No. Now he just smiles benignly at them like a very old Chinese man.

Cort, you really need to think about coming um...clean (no pun intended) with your girlfriend. Because, seriously, girl wants to suck face with some guy who writes to bloggers and asks them to um...ROLL play and be sex slaves.

(To be honest, your bad spelling and poor grammar turned me off far more than your dirty little suggestion, although that was pretty creepy.)

I'm afraid that I will have to turn you down, sport.

Now, I need to go put on my maid's uniform and get down and funky with my partner, who is wearing her pizza delivery outfit tonight work in my garden.

Seriously, pup. You are SO barking up the wrong tree....


ChiTown Girl said...

Why do I feel like I need a shower after reading this?


sybil law said...

I had a blogger send me a picture of his bare ass once. I have no fucking idea WHY, but apparently that's what he's into or something.
It wasn't even a nice ass.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

And I so needed a laugh. Thank you. Cort's spelling turned me off before I even got to the details, babee.

Anonymous said...

Good post :-)

Sarahf said...

Geez, you're attracting all sorts lately. Although, imagine if he really did mean "roll play", he could actually have a bread fetish. Hey, it takes all sorts.
As ever, I love your way to put people in their place, so eloquent.

Fen said...

wow, that's hilarious. Not once in 10 years of blogging have I had anything even remotely like this!!

Raven said...

my comments pale in comparison.

guess i'm gonna have to up the ante.


Mark Himes said...

I'm so jealous. I never get Crazies like you do. I guess I'm not a very good Blogger afterall.
m. said...

Hahahahaha I am ROLLING on the floor, laughing my ROLLS off!! Too bad Cort can't see me!! Way to go Maria!

Jean said...

I've always wondered about the sex slave thing. And the role play thing. I can't quite get my arms around wanting - let alone NEEDING - to do that to get off. But I'm with you - I'd take a general slave for a day, even if he/she did suck at spelling and grammar. My to-do list is a yard long.

And on the subject of hickeys - my 23 year old came home from college last Sunday with two on his neck. Gawd, they looked nasty. He said he considered wearing a turtleneck, except he doesn't own one and it was about 85 degrees here. I told him that they were sometimes (in the old days) called muffler burns. He didn't get it and when I tried to explain, I discovered that I didn't get it either.

Have a good weekend, Maria Cupcake!

Anonymous said...

I put in my yahoo profile one time that I had just broken my foot and was on crutches. I got a ton of people who were into medical fetishes. I was asked to send pictures of my foot in the cast and me standing on my crutches. They offered to pay me for the pictures. I could be fully clothed just the cast had to be uncovered.

It really does take all kinds.

Miss Healthypants said...

Oh you are too funny, Maria - too too funny! :)

Hey, about your previous Lee DeWyze mentionings...are you on Twitter and are you following Mr. DeWyze yet? *smiles* Just wondering - I feel like your comments just might be interesting to him...maybe! :)

the only daughter said...

FanFreakingTastiC. And yes, the spelling and grammar, major UGH and ICK.

You tell 'em, Kitten! :-)

Maria said...


I would LOVE to have a dialogue with Lee DeWyze because even though I've never met him, his music sits up and shouts hello to me..(Well, ok...his OLDER stuff, not the "Live It Up" cd...I sort of got bored every time "Dear Isabelle" wasn't playing...but listen to his old song, "Predicament" sometime. It is brilliant...)

Problem is that I just can't wrap my mind around Twitter. I've went to his twitter site a few times (ok...42 times, but who is counting?) but have no desire to join Twitter just to follow him. I like him, I just don't like him enough to do Twitter for him.

Actually, you have inspired me to do a Lee blog piece. See what you went and did?

Jason, as himself said...

Yeah, how come you get all the good stalkers?

Dawn said...

oh man, you do make my day better when i read your blog. I laugh out loud while my cat stares at me.

C said...

well i think you handled this in just the right way. there are so many creeps out there, it's astounding!

i never get stuff like that and i am glad. have a great 3 day weekend!!!

how's liv liking her school? i hope everything is better for her now.

Chris said...

my ass sizzles when it's hot, but it's probably just the fat.

C said...

maria- as to your last comment on my blog, i so agree. i think obama is doing the best anyone could be doing, with what he was left to fix. he walked into a mess and i will be voting for him again next round. people are so easy to judge, never having walked one second in his shoes.

Anonymous said...

I's love some free help, too... having just cleaned way more than I knew needed cleaning... for a MONTH! One of my two housemates moved out... man... it's been too darned much!

Now if cort can put a good beat to things... as in "I'll be your freakazoid... " ;-) but I suppose he's not that type!

How annoying.

That's a good blog topic, tho... who do we magnetize in both good and annoying ways? I am magnet for people who can't deal with or express their feelings. Some of them want to. Some don't so I annoy them (bec I can express and expect in return). I a little bit of a magnet for the mentally unstable but not like I used to be. Thank goodness.

Another topic: maybe I've brought this one up before: who are you mistaken for? I've been mistaken for both prostitute and homeless person a number of times. Nowadays, no. Also, I sometimes puzzle my immigrant students... I am american but many times they ask where I'm from, expecting to hear a different country.

Hey... totally off topic... how's harriet and her gang o' kids?


Sappho and Manly said...

Ok that did creep me out. But I did like the ass sizzling comment. Think I'll use that one.