It just pisses me off.
I was watching True Blood last night and there is Sookie with the rockin' bod going at it with Eric, her vampire lover on a bed of um...greens..in the forest.
It was sizzling hot sexy. And afterward, I snuck a look over at Bing and thought to myself, why doesn't she ever come on to me in a forest?
Because that would be so stupid that it would border on idiotic, that's why, Einstein.
Think about it. A forest.
When was the last time that you were in a forest AT NIGHT in the summer when it wasn't swarming with gnats and mosquitoes? And c'mon...would you REALLY want to lay down in a green patch and get all naked and squirmy? No. Because you would end up with a twig stuck in the crack of your ass and you know it.
Sex in movies or on film is never like it is in real life.
In real life, there are....noises and not just the soft little throaty moans that were oozing out of Sookie's hot little mouth. No. There is skin slapping together and wet sounds. Slurping sounds, slick sounds. And sometimes moans are not all breathy and hot. Sometimes they are guttural and grunting.
Well, not mine, but probably yours. Because I have never even farted in bed. Nope. I prote. A much different thing. And it was just that one time.
Bing has. Once, she accidentally let out not just one popping fart, but a string of them all together that came bursting out of her like a machine gun. It was pretty early on in our love affair but we had known each other forever, so when she blushed and murmured, "Excuse me", I did what most people would do. I burst out laughing. And then so did she and she farted again and we laughed so hard that we practically fell off the sofa.
It happens to the best of us, but have you ever seen it happen on film? I think not.
There are never any of the accompanying sounds of sex because, on film, there is soft pretty movie playing so you don't hear the bellies slapping, the fingers making slushing sounds as they move around inside crevices and crannies. There is no single high pitched scream that erupts followed by a deep sigh and lots of small gasps. Apparently this is how I sound during orgasm, according to my lovely bedmate but I choose to believe that there is a soundtrack of soft music followed by heavy metal and then simmering down to the soft music again. I could fuck so much better if I had a soundtrack.
Think about these false movie love scenes:
1) The train scene in Ricky Business. There they are, Tom and Rebecca fucking on a moving train in the middle of the night. There are no winos keeping them company. No marauding frat boys jump on the train after a long night of kegging. No late night suicide thinkers. Nope. It is just the two of them on a slow moving train. And they don't lose a beat. In real life, one of them is going to lose their balance and get a nasty bruise from banging against a steel pole, you just know it. And c'mon...that wino is going to enjoy his private peep show.
2)In From Here To Eternity, there are Burt and Deborah making mad mouth all over each other as the tide comes in and slides them around on the sand. This is so awful in so many ways. First of all, her hair. Her hair is going to be so GROSS when they are finished, all slithery with sand and seaweed. And he is on top, so the thrustee. She is going to have so much sand up the crack of her ass that it will hurt. Badly. And there will probably be sand everywhere, including her vagina and his penis, so when he thrusts, she can get a nice sand paper effect on the inside of her vagina. Unless she has a killer yeast infection, this probably is not going to feel so great. And then, really...afterward. How embarrassing to get up all naked and sandy. Sand in your teeth and ears. And imagine what it would be like to try to pull on those sandy wet clothes before you leave to go home. Not pretty. Not sexy.
3) When Lloyd Dobler stands outside of Diane's house with his boom box pouring out Peter Gabriel, this seems so incredibly romantic. The problem is that this kind of thing only works in a very special circumstance. Let me just say that it does not work when you have had only one date. Which is what happened to me. I went on a date with a woman who not only spent the entire time talking about what a bitch her ex was, but I found out later that she had deliberately taken me to the bar where her ex liked to hang out and then tried to make her jealous by trying to ingest my bottom lip while wildly looking around to see if the ex was watching. (She was and she was fucking mad. Plus, she was butch and I could have gotten my ass kicked so hard!) Well, when I told this woman that I would rather have a root canal than go out with her again, she suddenly didn't get it. Didn't we have fun? Didn't I enjoy my stupid girly drinks with umbrellas that she spent a fortune on? Didn't I notice that she had spent the entire day cleaning the dog hair out of her car? When I still refused to go out with her, she went into not sweet, sexy Lloyd Dobler mode, but stalking, freaky-creepster Lloyd Dobler mode. This means that she stood in my driveway with yes, the boom box over her head playing In Your Eyes while I stood up in my bedroom peeking through the blinds, totally horrified and not one inch seduced. She did this for TWO hours until my neighbor finally took pity on her and went outside and brought her a beer and asked that since she was playing DJ, she could play Blue Oyster Cult instead?
4) In Dirty Dancing when baby goes running across the room and leaps into Johnny's open arms and he lifts her over his head and then tenderly brings her down for a long hot open mouthed kiss.
First off, only Patrick Swayze could pull off that move and not drop you on the floor. He's dead, and we all hated to see him go because he was not only a drop dead sexy man, but he was also just a really nice person. In real life, if you run at your boyfriend/girlfriend and try to leap into their arms...you are probably going to both go down hard.
5) Shower scenes. The one that comes to my mind is the one from How Stella Got Her Groove Back. Taye Diggs. Yummy. But, I have a real beef with showers. First, sex in the shower is never as hot as you hope it will be. You are both clean and this is good, but that is really all there is going for it. Standing up sex is hard even when you are young. With lesbians it is a little easier because you don't have to get into a pretzel position to accommodate a penis, but it is still not all that fun. I don't think kissing under a hot spray of water is sexy unless you want to suddenly choke from aspirating water and you are into that shit. And hair gets in both of your eyes. Soap is not a good sex play toy. It is slippery and then it falls and someone has to bend down to retrieve it and you know, a splayed, hairy ass is just not all that attractive even if it is spanking clean. There is a real chance of shattering glass and this is not sexy either. And of course, water temp is a problem. In our house, I like a steamy hot shower, Bing swears to death that I am trying to parboil us. When we have the water how she likes it, my lips turn blue and I start shivering from head to foot and not in a good way. A pox on shower sex.
6) Why is death and danger so sexy? Think of all the movies where there was romance and heat in horrible conditions? Do you really think you could be looking tenderly at Leonardo DiCaprio as Jack when you are both in freezing cold water with little to no chance of a rescue and only a flippin' DOOR that both of you can't fit on? Seriously, no tender words are going to be spoken. Your teeth are going to be chattering so badly that you won't even be able to talk and c'mon...he has got to be just a little resentful that you can't even take turns laying on the door.
In Love Story, Jenny Cavileri and Oliver even manage to joke around and be lovey dovey when she is on her deathbed. She is quoting Shakespeare and he is staring at her moony eyed. Have you ever seen someone die of cancer? I have and believe me, that deathbed is horrid. There are smells. The person dying is not even conscious most of the time and they have no hair, no immune system and their skin is translucent. Jenny didn't even lose her hair or her rosy cheeks. In real life when you die of cancer you look more like Gollum from The Hobbit. Not being disrespectful, just honest. And yes, if you are the one watching someone die like this, you still love them with every inch of your being and you don't care that they look so awful, but believe me, you don't have sex on the brain. You have terror on the brain because the one you love is leaving you. And I will NEVER forgive Erich Segal for coming up with that insipid line about "Love means never having to say you're sorry!" Bloody bullshit. Love is all about saying you are sorry. Bing will tell you that she says it much more than I do but that is only because I am almost always right. Just the facts, ma'am.
In Last of the Mohicans, Hawkeye begs Cora to "Stay alive! I will find you!" Give me a break. And then he kisses her perfectly and with such vim and verve that she nearly swoons. I can honestly say that if I were going to be hauled away by men who would probably kill me, I would not be lollygagging around with Bing and smooching her and nearly fainting as she kisses me. I would slap her face if she tried to buss me. I would be yelling, "What the fuck are you thinking? RUN!"
7) Filming yourselves having sex is not sexy. Well, maybe when you are both in your twenties. When Jake Guggenhallslammer and Anne Hathaway's characters in Love and Other Drugs film themselves making love, it is cute and quirky and so, so very romantic and cute. If you look like they do, maybe so. But, in real life, people have cellulite and varicose veins and their asses are way too big or too bony and if you are a woman and over the age of 28, your boobs don't look all that bouncy anymore. And as I mentioned before, there are sounds. Plus, many of us have children or will have children. This is always risky. I do not want to die when I am 80 and have my then forty year old daughter or worse, my GRANDSON OR GRANDDAUGHTER going through my closet and find that shoe box where we kept the sex tape but both of us forgot all about it when we were in our 60's. And then pop it in and smile as they hope to see Grandma or Mama running around showing off her garden and then blanch when they realize that is is Grandma or Mama showing off her too red nipples perched on her low slung breasts while she grunts away with eyes closed in lovemaking bliss. NO sex tapes. No one really wants to see you and yours fucking and be honest...if YOU watch it, you are only going to sit there thinking, "MY GOD, my butt is as big as a barn! And when did he get that big hairy mole on the back of his thigh? I never saw that before!"
8) It is not sexy to fuck while you are making a vase on your pottery wheel. It just isn't. Ok. Maybe if it was with Patrick Swayze because that man probably could get me to have sex when there were bits of wet clay flying around sticking to our faces and hair. But, only Patrick. It doesn't work with anyone else. I loved the movie Ghost but I snickered at that love scene. Can you just imagine the MESS? And you can bet it wouldn't be Sam cleaning that shit up afterward, it would be Molly. I don't get film scenes where people suddenly decide in the middle of a meal that they have to have sex on the table with the food. I do not want spaghetti in my hair, thank you very much or salad up my ass crack. With my luck, I would sit on a fork or we would break the table or something. It is called REAL LIFE.
Ok. I'm out of ideas here, but you get the point, yes? Sex in real life is wonderful, but it isn't a movie. You don't get hot music playing in the background or if you do have something playing, five will get you seven that when you get to the good part, the best song will not be on. It will be Frankenstein or Fat Bottomed Girls or The Reaper. Real life works like that.
But, sex in real life is better. You usually get to have it with someone that you either really, really like or love and are sexually attracted to. And you know that a little cottage cheese thigh isn't going to make him look askance at you or that if you burp, she won't roll her eyes and get out of bed. In real life, we understand.
And sex is pretty damn fine. It just isn't like having hot vampire sex in a forest with....him.