Monday, July 04, 2011

Movie rage and welcome home, honey!

Bing and Liv both got home yesterday.

Both slept most of the day. So, today, we decided to celebrate their homecoming by going to see a movie. The Tree of Life was playing at our downtown art theater, Film Streams.

We all decided to go. As always, we stopped at Walgreens to buy movie candy (black licorice for me, a power bar for Bing and skittles for Liv) and sodas. I noticed that my ABSOLUTE favorite soda was in stock: Sunkist diet Orange soda. So I bought that and Bing got her usual Seven-Up while Liv got a Cherry Dr. Pepper.

The movie was PACKED. We found three seats up near the top. By the time the opening credits were running, there were very few seats left except for the very bottom.

In comes Ms. I-AM-LATE-BUT-I-STILL-EXPECT-PREMIUM-SEATING. She spots one seat next to me.

I was trying to do a jedi mind trick on her as she walked up the steps, head swiveling back and forth, looking for an empty seat. I thought to myself, No, you don't want to sit next to that woman in the blue tee shirt. No, walk on by, walk on by... Didn't work.

She decided to make everyone in the row stand up and give her room to get by as she was rather rotund and had a purse as big as a back pack, plus a giant sized popcorn and a drink.

She stepped down HARD on my sandal foot but I managed not to scream out. By this time, the movie had been started for at least ten minutes and I wanted to tell her that RUDE people with huge bags and enough food to feed a family of four need to sit in the FRONT ROW. I think it should be a rule. Instead, I said nothing. Suddenly, she took her rotund self and swung around hard and her back pack of a purse first smacked my daughter in the face and then came down hard against my delicious diet Sunkist orange soda bottle and hit it hard enough to make it fly out of the drink holder it was in. My soda flew up in the air and came down hard, first against my leg, spattering orange soda all over it and then bounced on the ground, spewing liquid right and left...mostly on me.

She didn't even apologize, just sat down and immediately began shoveling popcorn in her mouth and slurping loudly through her straw. I furiously took the offered napkins from the people around me and dabbed at my leg, my shoe, my seat, but most of it had poured all over the floor, leaving a nice sticky mess for me to rest my feet in.

There was nowhere to move to. The theater was packed. I sat back as quickly and quietly as I could and then leaned over and whispered to her, "You are aware, are you not, that you just knocked over my soda and hit my daughter with your purse?"

She pretended not to hear me.

I had this almost overwhelming urge to take the rest of the bottle of soda and pour it over her head and popcorn. Instead, I sat in stickiness, furious.

The movie was incredible, but it was hard to fully enjoy it in my stickiness. Plus, Ms. All-U-CAN-EAT was a loud popcorn smacker and drink slurper. I would look over at her murderously and she would quiet down only to start back up a few moments later.

When the movie was over, we all stood up and I pointedly told Liv to be careful not to step in the soda that was all over the floor. Ms. Back-Pack-For-A-Purse made a point of glaring at the man behind her. "You kept kicking my seat," she said to him. He smirked at her. "I'm sorry. How unmannerly of me. Do you think maybe you should apologize to the woman next to you whom you doused with soda?"

She rolled her eyes and stalked out, managing to spill half of her leftover popcorn on the way down the steps.

There are few people who annoy me more than those who have no movie etiquette. So, I am going to give a few rules that I think we should all follow:

1) Do not come in late to a movie. If there was a big problem and you HAD to be late, make it a point to sit unobtrusively in the first open seat you find. NO TALKING to your friends on the way there, either. No commenting on how you can't see a thing! You are late, idjit. You are in the dark because you are a cretin. The least you could do is NOT stop to get loaded down with food before you go into the movie. If you are late, skip the treats. It is your punishment for being rude to the other patrons.

2) If you bring your children, it is your duty as a parent to PARENT them during the movie. No, you aren't on vacation and either ignore their barbarian behavior or talk loudly to them and say things like, "Becky you shut yer trap right this second or I'ma gonna come spank you!!"

3) If your child starts crying or refuses to behave (and we parents are more understanding than you know), GET UP and take them out of the movie to discipline them. DO NOT return until they have settled down. If your child is begging loudly for candy, you have already made a big mistake because they are doing this because this they KNOW that you will give them money and/or candy to shut them up. Negotiate the candy at HOME before you get to the theater.

4) Men and women...take your HAT off in the movie. It is a courtesy to the people behind you.

5) NO talking during the previews. No, previews are not like commercials. Some of us like to see what the coming attractions are. So, shut the FUCK UP. No, I don't want to hear all about your sister's foot surgery during the previews. Or how your boyfriend is a douche bag because he ignored you all night at the bar. You deserve each other if you cannot keep your trap shut in a theater.

6) If you have snacks, eat them as quietly as you can. If you bring your own pop, do not wait until a very quiet time in the movie to suddenly snap open the pop top and then say in a loud voice, "WHOA THERE!!" when it burbles up all over the place.

7) Do not sit right next to or in front of someone if there is room in the theater to spread out. I have noticed that older people do this more than younger people. Once, Liv and I were at a movie and I kid you not, we were the ONLY people in the theater until two old ladies came in and they sat directly in front of us. RUDE.

8) We do not need a running commentary of the movie. If you have a hearing problem, please turn up your hearing aide or learn to read lips. Do NOT keep asking your seat mate, "WHAT DID THAT ROBBER JUST SAY??"

9) When the movie is over, if you are not the type who like to stay and read the credits, get up and out of your row quickly and quietly. Do not stand and put your coat on or talk to your friends while standing directly in front of someone who may just be a credit reader, like me.

Any other suggestions?

I am still boiling mad. Even Bing was amazed at how steamed I was. I was ranting and raving on the way home and she said, "God, you are like a dog with a bone on this, honey. Let it go, will ya?"

Guess what I told her to do? Yup. Y'all know me too well.....


Golden To Silver Val said...

....and this is precisely the reason why I no longer go to the movies. I had a similar experience about 10 years ago. I sat there absolutely MISERABLE. I was actually tearing up because I wanted to tell the people off sitting behind me and I couldn't.....I had to behave because that's how I was raised. As ignorant, inconsiderate members of society produce more and more ill-mannered excuses for humans, who have absolutely NO common sense, we will experience these things when we go to any public function until the people who HAVE common sense simply refuse to further attend and punish themselves. I am a much happier person for no longer going to movies....I can eventually enjoy the DVD in my own living room for a fraction of the price, in my jammies if I please and if I have to go potty, I can pause it.
I sure do understand how you felt.

JohnD said...

Mmmm! Re: Ms Back-Pack-for-a-purse, you could Scream "RAPE!", stand up and loudly proclaim "This person just sexually handled my personal bits! Someone call the police!" LOL!

I know, that's over-the-top but you must've felt like doing something outrageous to such an arrogant and ignorant person. Just be thankful you are not related to her, or even worse, you don't live with her! LOL!

Anonymous said...

What a fucking rude woman!

Redbone210 said...

There should be a tablet (kinda like the 10 Commandments) at the front of every theater that specifically spells out every point you just made, especially the one about the previews. I am one who loves to watch the previews from start to finish and HATE when people talk thru them.

You're better than me - I might have poured the drink and dealt with the consequences later. lol

heartinsanfrancisco said...

I would be livid too. The last time I was in a movie theater, I tried to get us into two empty seats near the top, but the creep next to them said they were taken. (They weren't. I checked repeatedly.) The movie hadn't started but we had to sit directly under the screen, which I really hate. Then, a man who was probably your movie bitch's brother sat down next to me with a huge coke, a stinking salami hero sandwich and a mega bag of chips. He slurped and scarfed noisily, spilled HIS soda on me, and continuously crackled his chip bag. It was the last time I attempted a movie theater. I wouldn't have had your self control and definitely would have made a scene, loudly, because I am big on fairness and despise rudeness.

the only daughter said...

You covered most of mine. The talkers, smackers, slurpers, rude sitting at my hip, invading arm-rest space, constant movement, refusing to sit on the aisle when they know bloody well they'll get up 3 or 4 times before the flick is over--disrupting the entire row, waaaay maddening.

sybil law said...

I can't believe you didn't "accidentally" spill the rest of your soda on that bitch. Seriously. GAAHHH.
I commend you on your patience!

Anonymous said...

I'm a talker I admit it. I talk to the movie, I get anxious and hide. I am probably quite obnoxious to everyone around me. I do however try and sit near the back or a gaggle of chatty teens to cover up the fact that I'm annoying. We usually buy a soda at the theater to share. We are obsessively early. My husband is of the mind that 15 minutes early is 5 minutes late. But I haven't been to the moves in a while so I guess I'm not annoying anyone.

dive said...

Welcome home, Liv and Bing!
Maria, my favourite indie cinema has food and drink free nights and that's the only time I ever go. The cinema is filled with quiet and appreciative people who are there to see the movie and are happy to eat in restaurants afterwards.
My cinema bugbear is people eating and drinking, rustling wrappers, slurping and slapping their mouths and scrunching popcorn right in my ear.
Eat at the table, ferChrissakes! The cinema is for watching movies.

Sarahf said...

You're strict Maria, but I agree totally with all of them. But that woman takes the biscuit, or should that be popcorn? I can't believe she didn't say she was sorry or help you clean up.

Earth Muffin said...

Your restraint amazes me.

I think you covered everything regarding appropriate theater behavior. Redbone has a good suggestion about posting rules at the door, the only problem being that people like Ms. Chomp-n-Slurp wouldn't take the time to read them or follow them. I love going to the movies, but people like her are the reason I never-ever-ever-ever seen movies on their opening weekends. I'm always the last person I know to see the Harry Potter movies because I like my theaters as empty as can be.

Glad your girls are home safely with you!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

I think such people are so miserable that they want everyone else to be and go around hoping they will hurt someone. But slamming a child with her knapsack is lower than low.

e said...

Ugh. Bad behavior. I don't know how you restrained yourself, Maria.

Another item for your list:
Turn off that fucking phone!

Anonymous said...

Reminds me of the time my chronically late friend was supposed to meet me at our local theatre for a special showing (free) of a documentary. I successfully saved her a seat despite the theatre filling to capacity. Once the film was rolling she called me to tell me she was on her way but was taking a shit (true). I said okay, took some deep breaths & attempted to watch the beginning of the film. About 15 minutes later I hear her loudly whispering my name AND using her f$#*ing cell phone as a flash light attempting to find me!!! Oh, and OF COURSE I was seated next to the wall so the whole row had to stand up for her to get to her seat. Also, during the film she answered her phone (it was on vibrate) a couple of times!! I was seething. I was trying to let it roll off me. I was ready to loudly admonish her & walk out of the theatre. I didn't. I sat there cringing.

PS- Not a close friend anymore, but one of those 'fun' gals who gets by with too much shit who apparently hasn't been called on it enough!!

Geez, recounting this makes me realize I have unresolved anger with this person. . . What to do???

ChiTown Girl said...

OMG, I would have written the exact same list. And, I probably would have had it out with the rude beast you got stuck next to. That's exactly why I don't go to the show anymore. I'd much rather watch the movie at home, by myself, in my jammies.

LizC said...

You were quite justified to be as angry as you were! I would also have had trouble just letting it go. And kudos to the man who kept kicking her seat. I agree with all your rules, except I may have been guilty of talking through the preview - I do kinda consider them ads. Also, aside from the gentleman who was justified, I'd add try not to kick the seat in front of you, or hang your legs over the seat in front of you.

Alice in NZ said...

Arghhhhh, this kind of rudeness can make me so angry. That kind of hot all over visceral anger that you can feel ruining your internal organs as it is happening. I try to tell myself not to be so upset by the rudeness of strangers, but it rarely works. I feel for you!

lyon de clarasvals said...

I don't go to movies or the free concerts anymore. Horrible people everywhere out there. I wonder if I pay big bucks for tickets would the same type of people spoil it or would there be policies, ushers,etc. to stop them.

Sappho & Manly said...

Fuck off "Anonymous." Coward. Maria- how did that comment even get on here???

Anonymous said...

Why read her blog then asswipe?
Also Anonymous. . .

Sorry Maria. Can't help myself. I'm the other anonymous that posted about my rude friend at the movies. . .

sandy shoes said...

I am right with you Maria. That kind of thing makes me burn with the rage of a thousand suns. Or something.

Also, Anon 7:46: Go fuck yourself.

Anonymous said...

Gees Anonymous, you need a bit more practise with that humour business, don't you? Maybe you should just study quietly on your own for 15-20 years and then maybe give it another try hey?

Maria said...

Well, now. I trashed the anon comment that snuck on. I'll have to ask Bing how she managed to sneak on without my approving it.

Sorry that some of you got to meet my pee butt stalker up close and personal. Isn't she just an ass hat?

This is pretty typical of her, though. You know...death wishes, hating on me. And she sometimes comments 3 or 4 times a day! And visits up to 20 times. God, where does she get the time and how does anyone harbor that much hate in their soul?

Sorry, once again and thanks to those who brought it to my attention.

Around My Kitchen Table said...

I would have been furious too, most of all with the lack of an apology. It was good that the man behind her got a little retaliation in on your behalf! And I do so agree with your movie rules.

Anonymous said...

I like your writing, but I would adhere to the 10th rule: If you have 9 rules about other people and how they should behave at movie theatres, avoid packed cinemas ;)



Jim said...

Why don't we just confront on the spot when these things occur? It would be so much better for the soul instead of harbouring all this anger for hours. There's got to be a course somewhere to teach us to just nail these rude individuals right away. And it may involve losing the price of admission.,....but so worth it!

Sappho & Manly said...

Maria, I think she struck again at 12:36 AM. Too bad she can't spell.
What a psycho.

BTW- so glad the girls are back and I love hearing about all your adventures- you're the honesty most people can't admit to. (I've been accused of the same

Dawn said...

I just laughed hysterically at #6: The soda opener. lol. You crack me up!

Your rant made me think of an Ellen skit in one of her stand-up dvds. Someone is kicking the back of her seat repeatedly, and she mimes the "boing" of the chair rocking back and forth, and then describes the "universal death stare" that means STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING.

I clearly am not as funny as Ellen, but if you haven't seen "Here and Now," you should.

sybil law said...

Wait, wait - you KNOW who this stalker bitch is?
You should send me her info.

C said...

OMG i think it's pretty bad when other bloggers cause ill feelings on someone else's blog. can you block her? i bet theres a way! what a fucking bitch who sat next to you. i would have lost my temper, poured the rest of my soda on her AND reported her to the manager, saying she is being disruptive.
what a cow!
if this ever happens again, stick your purse in the empty seat and just say your person is getting snacks and yes this seat is TAKEN!

on another note, my sister Jo is in town, she met chitown in chicago on her way, so if you would like to get together for lunch or something, shoot me an email, k? my addy is on my blog.

kristi said...

Oh hell no! I would have gone off at that woman!

liz said...

I was kind of hoping to read that you'd tripped her as you filed out of the theatre.

For me, movies have become such an annoyance that I wait until a few weeks have passed to see a new one. That way, I can avoid the crowds.

My two biggest peeves are seat kickers and people who text/have their cell phones out. For the first, is it that hard to watch where you're swinging your legs when crossing them? And if it's your child kicking the seat, why would you let them carry on doing so?

As for cell phones, I think people forget that you can still hear the vibration. But what really drives me nuts is the glare from the screen. It's a dark room, that glare is noticeable! I wish people would just turn their phones off and keep them put away during the movie. I guess checking their latest Facebook messages, texts, emails etc is too important.