Bing and Liv both got home yesterday.
Both slept most of the day. So, today, we decided to celebrate their homecoming by going to see a movie. The Tree of Life was playing at our downtown art theater, Film Streams.
We all decided to go. As always, we stopped at Walgreens to buy movie candy (black licorice for me, a power bar for Bing and skittles for Liv) and sodas. I noticed that my ABSOLUTE favorite soda was in stock: Sunkist diet Orange soda. So I bought that and Bing got her usual Seven-Up while Liv got a Cherry Dr. Pepper.
The movie was PACKED. We found three seats up near the top. By the time the opening credits were running, there were very few seats left except for the very bottom.
In comes Ms. I-AM-LATE-BUT-I-STILL-EXPECT-PREMIUM-SEATING. She spots one seat next to me.
I was trying to do a jedi mind trick on her as she walked up the steps, head swiveling back and forth, looking for an empty seat. I thought to myself, No, you don't want to sit next to that woman in the blue tee shirt. No, walk on by, walk on by... Didn't work.
She decided to make everyone in the row stand up and give her room to get by as she was rather rotund and had a purse as big as a back pack, plus a giant sized popcorn and a drink.
She stepped down HARD on my sandal foot but I managed not to scream out. By this time, the movie had been started for at least ten minutes and I wanted to tell her that RUDE people with huge bags and enough food to feed a family of four need to sit in the FRONT ROW. I think it should be a rule. Instead, I said nothing. Suddenly, she took her rotund self and swung around hard and her back pack of a purse first smacked my daughter in the face and then came down hard against my delicious diet Sunkist orange soda bottle and hit it hard enough to make it fly out of the drink holder it was in. My soda flew up in the air and came down hard, first against my leg, spattering orange soda all over it and then bounced on the ground, spewing liquid right and left...mostly on me.
She didn't even apologize, just sat down and immediately began shoveling popcorn in her mouth and slurping loudly through her straw. I furiously took the offered napkins from the people around me and dabbed at my leg, my shoe, my seat, but most of it had poured all over the floor, leaving a nice sticky mess for me to rest my feet in.
There was nowhere to move to. The theater was packed. I sat back as quickly and quietly as I could and then leaned over and whispered to her, "You are aware, are you not, that you just knocked over my soda and hit my daughter with your purse?"
She pretended not to hear me.
I had this almost overwhelming urge to take the rest of the bottle of soda and pour it over her head and popcorn. Instead, I sat in stickiness, furious.
The movie was incredible, but it was hard to fully enjoy it in my stickiness. Plus, Ms. All-U-CAN-EAT was a loud popcorn smacker and drink slurper. I would look over at her murderously and she would quiet down only to start back up a few moments later.
When the movie was over, we all stood up and I pointedly told Liv to be careful not to step in the soda that was all over the floor. Ms. Back-Pack-For-A-Purse made a point of glaring at the man behind her. "You kept kicking my seat," she said to him. He smirked at her. "I'm sorry. How unmannerly of me. Do you think maybe you should apologize to the woman next to you whom you doused with soda?"
She rolled her eyes and stalked out, managing to spill half of her leftover popcorn on the way down the steps.
There are few people who annoy me more than those who have no movie etiquette. So, I am going to give a few rules that I think we should all follow:
1) Do not come in late to a movie. If there was a big problem and you HAD to be late, make it a point to sit unobtrusively in the first open seat you find. NO TALKING to your friends on the way there, either. No commenting on how you can't see a thing! You are late, idjit. You are in the dark because you are a cretin. The least you could do is NOT stop to get loaded down with food before you go into the movie. If you are late, skip the treats. It is your punishment for being rude to the other patrons.
2) If you bring your children, it is your duty as a parent to PARENT them during the movie. No, you aren't on vacation and either ignore their barbarian behavior or talk loudly to them and say things like, "Becky you shut yer trap right this second or I'ma gonna come spank you!!"
3) If your child starts crying or refuses to behave (and we parents are more understanding than you know), GET UP and take them out of the movie to discipline them. DO NOT return until they have settled down. If your child is begging loudly for candy, you have already made a big mistake because they are doing this because this they KNOW that you will give them money and/or candy to shut them up. Negotiate the candy at HOME before you get to the theater.
4) Men and women...take your HAT off in the movie. It is a courtesy to the people behind you.
5) NO talking during the previews. No, previews are not like commercials. Some of us like to see what the coming attractions are. So, shut the FUCK UP. No, I don't want to hear all about your sister's foot surgery during the previews. Or how your boyfriend is a douche bag because he ignored you all night at the bar. You deserve each other if you cannot keep your trap shut in a theater.
6) If you have snacks, eat them as quietly as you can. If you bring your own pop, do not wait until a very quiet time in the movie to suddenly snap open the pop top and then say in a loud voice, "WHOA THERE!!" when it burbles up all over the place.
7) Do not sit right next to or in front of someone if there is room in the theater to spread out. I have noticed that older people do this more than younger people. Once, Liv and I were at a movie and I kid you not, we were the ONLY people in the theater until two old ladies came in and they sat directly in front of us. RUDE.
8) We do not need a running commentary of the movie. If you have a hearing problem, please turn up your hearing aide or learn to read lips. Do NOT keep asking your seat mate, "WHAT DID THAT ROBBER JUST SAY??"
9) When the movie is over, if you are not the type who like to stay and read the credits, get up and out of your row quickly and quietly. Do not stand and put your coat on or talk to your friends while standing directly in front of someone who may just be a credit reader, like me.
Any other suggestions?
I am still boiling mad. Even Bing was amazed at how steamed I was. I was ranting and raving on the way home and she said, "God, you are like a dog with a bone on this, honey. Let it go, will ya?"
Guess what I told her to do? Yup. Y'all know me too well.....