Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Weeping

It's been a day..

Liv's back home, so there is that piece of joy. She had a swim meet tonight and I sat watching her sluicing through the water with my big sun hat shielding me and my sunglasses hiding the tears in my eyes as I looked at her, my dolphin in the blue tinged water. She's loved the water since babyhood. And now her coach tells me that she is a natural swimmer, has the body for sliding through water fast. A long torso, he tells me and long legs. Good strong feet. Yes.

I almost fired my secretary today. But...couldn't. I had it all planned out in my head what I would say, how I would say it. Had talked to my cohorts, worked out the legalities of it. And then, around noon, I got up to walk the halls and stretch my legs. I glanced into the employee lounge on our floor and happened to see her sitting alone at a table. Her lunch was spread out in front of her, but she wasn't eating. She was sitting silently, staring out the window. Her face was still and...haunted. As if she were seeing something, some person or place in her past that had left a hurting memory. I stood looking at her through the rectangular window and then headed back to the office, my hands deep in my pockets. She is in her seventies, a spinster who lives alone with her cat named Mister. At first, when she talked about him, I had thought he was her husband, not her cat. She made him sound so...human.

I guess she is lonely. I've never asked or anything. Why would I? It isn't a proper question to ask someone. Yet. Yet. She must be lonely. Maybe that is why her shell is so hard, her voice so brittle.

I decided to wait a bit longer. Think more on this. I can't stand the thought of her sitting home with Mister.

When we returned home from the swim meet tonight, I went to check e-mail and discovered a new e-mail from Bing:

Hi, baby.

Today we toured the Allierton Museum. Tomorrow we spend the day in Dresden. You would love the weather here. I've been looking in the shops for a ring for you. I know you said you'd like one. But, they are bigger than my budget. Guess it is lucky that my love for you is so much bigger than my budget. I will keep looking. And yes, I have rocks for you. I know how you love those rocks.

I keep thinking about you. Are you thinking about me? You don't say much, but I know you love me, Maria. I feel it right here. And here. And here. I am so glad that our Livvy is home and in your arms again. Where she belongs. Where I long to be right now. Sending a song that says it better, because you know I am not the wordsmith that you are.

Suffice it to say that all of this wonderful journey would mean so little if I didn't have you to tell about it when I get home. I love you. So much.

Love you, love you, love you...big large.

Bing



I sat in my chair weeping. Still weeping off and on. Time to go to bed with one of her tee shirts that holds her scent. I found it on a basement chair where she must have taken it off to do her work out.

Weeping.

12 comments:

ChiTown Girl said...

Aw, I'm sorry you're missing Bing so terribly. But, I'm thrilled that's Liv's home. yay!

Redbone210 said...

I had a hard hard day today. And then you reminded me that my love is just on the other side of town but love is far away.

So here is a big hug for you. And one for me too.

And I'm glad that Liv is home safe and sound.

Anonymous said...

We are all broken people with vulnerable places we contend with. Sometimes the world is not a friendly place. Your sensitivity toward your secretary is admirable, especially when it is was not your intention. Maybe you will see her through different eyes, and her personal traits won't seem as annoying?

C said...

i agree with the cheech... glad liv is home. that song made me cry too. sappy ole bugger that i am.

Sarahf said...

So beautiful, I'm glad Liv is home.

This Mom said...

I'm so glad that Liv is back home with you. I'm sure she had a fantastic time, but was also happy to be back. Thanks for sharing your emails from Bing. It helps remind me to not take my wife for granted during the day-to-day ups and downs. She is much more than the petty annoyances and quirks that I don't love. Thanks for the reminder. :)

e said...

Thanks for sharing that, Maria. Made me wish... so many things.

Anonymous said...

Glad Liv is home. Glad you're feeling that love and connection w Bing and how much she loves you. About secretary at work... is there a third way? I.e. not having to endure her stuuf, not firing her, but honestly telling her the impact of her behavior. It shows a deep respect and is worth the risk, i think. I suspect she may be initially be upset but in the end may be grateful and show some change... worth a try, anyway.

ZC

by the way, plugging away at my rela... but it is damn hard and i do not know how tonavigate the parent issues!!!

BBC said...

Save the tears for your dying.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

I couldn't have fired her either.

Lilith said...

This made me cry. You are love Maria. You are blessed.

the only daughter said...

Good song, lovely message. No wonder you're weepy.

The secretary issue is tough either way you slice it. ::sigh::

YaY Liv!