Inside the head of a crazy woman.

Okay..really need to work now. Really need to get this done.

CONCENTRATE...

We are still far from research which captures the complexity of ASD (autism spectrum disorder) and treatment outcomes...

Hm...I really loved seeing WICKED last weekend. I wonder what it would be like to travel with a company like that. I wonder if the actress who plays Elphaba has skin problems from all that green paint...

Relationships are the vehicle for creating learning interactions which are tailored to a child's individual processing differences and thereby enable a child to progressively master six core functional developmental capacities...

The word "capacities" just looks all wrong to me. Why can't I fucking spell anymore? I used to be this cracker jack speller and now I sit around wondering how to spell occasion. I wonder if I have Alzheimer's. It could happen. I am certainly in the age range for early onset. God, that would be so awful...to lose one's mind like that. To hover around in confusion, trying to piece together this and that and come to a conclusion. I hope I don't end up a bag lady with Alzheimer's. I wonder if I should be socking more away in Liv's college fund. It would be so great to just win the lottery and not have to worry about this shit. I wonder what health insurance will be like when she is my age?

We use an understanding of children's individual differences in sensory modulation, processing, and motor planning to establish a relationship that creates opportunities for emotionally rich interactions...

I wonder why I am so aloof? Even my sisters tell me that I am. That there is this place inside of me that is unreachable. I wish I could say what I really think which is that I am like this because I don't really trust relationships in general. People leave. People whom you trust. People who you should be able to count on. God, I really have a lot of unresolved mommy issues, don't I? I hope I don't fuck up Liv. I try so hard to be the kind of mother that I didn't have. I want to be accessible to her, but not necessarily her friend. I don't really like the way that Celia parents and grandparents her kids. Too much of that buddying up with them. Being their friend. Kids don't want you to be their friend. They want you to be their sounding board, their wall that they test their pushing skills on sometimes. But, then...Jessie is just the opposite of Celia: a real hands off Mom. Her marriage comes first. And while she is demonstrative, she is not particularly loving with her kids. Am I a good parent? I wonder what my sisters think about me? Well, I think I already know. Not much of a role model, they think. They haven't said anything but I saw their eyes meet when I said that I pretty much let Liv pick out her own junior high to go to next year. I was available for advice and I was not shy about offering opinions, but I let her decide in the end. My sisters don't say so, but I know that they think I was shirking my parental duties...

Early intervention that takes into consideration the child's individual differences and works with the child's affect can facilitate the integration of sensory and motor action with social-emotional connections to foster improvements in all areas of....

I can't believe how veiny my hands are looking. I have the ugliest hands. And I am getting that crepe-y looking skin on my arms. Liv loves to stroke my arms, says that my skin is so soft. But, basically it is just old. I have old soft skin. Old soft crepe-y skin. Both Celia and Jessie are getting lines around their mouths. I don't have that yet, but it is just a matter of time, I suppose. All that La Mer I slather on my face can only stave off wrinkles for so long. I wish I could slide into old age more gracefully instead of reaching out to hold on to branches on my way down. I am not going gentle at all. I wonder if I should go with Bing next summer wherever she goes. She wants to travel and it would probably be good if I traveled with her. But, god..I hate to travel too far. I don't think mothers should be gallivanting all over the globe when they have children at home. I sound just like my mother. When did THAT happen?

Floortime refers to unstructured play sessions where the child is in the lead and initiates the ideas and the adult both follows and challenges the child...

I'm really hungry. That cheese sandwich for dinner wasn't very filling. But it is kind of late to eat a treat now. But...there is that ice cream in the freezer. Ben and Jerry's. My favorite. I should get up and brush my teeth right this second. That way, I won't be tempted to eat anything because god knows I ate like a sow this weekend. I don't need ice cream. I will be just fine if I skip it. God, the food was so good at that restaurant for Aunt Dottie's 90t birthday party. But, note to self: do not get trapped at an all male table again. They monopolize the conversation and listening to Cousin Henry go on and on about how he thinks that Newt Gingrich is so smart, he is just lucky that I didn't puke at the table. And why did they all get so defensive when I called Sarah Palin an idiot?

I'm too tired to get any work done. I think I should just shower and go to bed. No. I promised myself that I would finish this before bed tonight.

So..

When children are motivated, for example, in trying to negotiate to get a certain kind of....

Fuck. I can't do this. I want ice cream. I want Fiyero to come sing to me about how it is okay that I am green, that I have just opened up his eyes to see things a different way. I want to defy gravity and fly up on my broomstick and scare all the Republicans at dinner tables. But, I should go eat some ice cream first. Or maybe just shower and get to bed.

I wonder if I am getting Alzheimer's because I swear to god I cannot stay centered on anything for long these days.

I wonder why Bing didn't e-mail or text today. I think I should go text her something racy. Yeah. But, ice cream first. Ice cream first...