Forgive me, Liv...I need to step away from walking down memory lane just for a bit. Some of those memories are not easy for me...
So, let's get snarky now, yes? A little snarkiness is good for the soul.
So, here are some thank yous that are playing around in my sarcastic little brain:
1) Thank you to the mystery woman who insists on taking the worst dumps I have ever had to smell in the bathroom on MY floor. I think she takes two a day, one first thing in the morning and the other about two in the afternoon. God, dude...could you just try and arrange it so that you shit at home? Because I like to wash my hands before I start my appointments. I usually have had just one or two sips of my coffee and when I go in the bathroom to wash my hands every morning, you have stunk up the joint.
2) Thank you to the woman who sat behind us at the movies yesterday. I was so pumped about seeing my James McAvoy again in The Conspirator and you just HAD to sit directly behind us didn't you? And you had this loud whiny voice and talked all through the previews about your bone headed son who just wouldn't listen to his mama. Guess what, lady? I don't blame him. If I had to listen to that nasally whine every day, I would probably get arrested for dog fighting in my back yard too. Well, okay...not dog fighting. But, I would try to get arrested for anything just to avoid the sound of your voice. When I turned around and glared at you, you looked at me and said, "It's just the previews, relax." I should have moved to the seat behind you and put popcorn in your hair. I should have.
3) Thank you to the girl who sat at the table next to mine in the cafeteria, monopolizing the lunch conversation with the other women when all I really wanted to do was read. Instead, I ended up half listening to you talk about how super awesome your boyfriend is and how he tells you all the time that you are the awesomest chick around. I also had to listen to how you were jealous of that bitch at the party who dared to talk to him about music. Want some free psych advice? I promise you that you will be dumped in the next few months. Listening to you quote Sex and the City and The Notebook all the time is going to get old real fast for that dude. And guys who overuse the word awesome don't tend to stay with one um...chick. Also, guys who call you a chick are probably not in the relationship to stay. And the "bitch" at the party who talked music? He will probably want to date her because at least she can converse without stopping to show everyone at the table some photos that she took of herself with her phone when she was um...bored. I mean, seriously...it is kind of weird to fight boredom by taking photos of yourself. No really. It just isn't the most awesome way to spend your time. Do you think Carrie Bradshaw would do that? Right.
4) Thank you to the guy who cut in front of me on the drive home and then drove like a half blind elderly man. Creep. And those highlights in your hair do not look natural.
5) Thank you to the cashier at the drugstore where I stopped to pick up some paper towels and vitamins for calling me ma'am not once, not twice, but thrice. I KNOW I am a ma'am. I don't need you to tell me.
6) Thank you to one of the moms at Liv's school for telling me that she is sad that Liv will be leaving Montessori because she always wanted to be my friend and that never happened. "I've never met a lesbian who wasn't a loyal friend," you said to me, looking WAY too proud of such an asinine sentence. Lady, listen. We lesbians are JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. Some of us are loyal friends, some of us are fair weather ones. And wanting to befriend a lesbian JUST BECAUSE THEY ARE A LESBIAN is just plain stupid. For your information, I have noticed you before. I noticed you laughing with another mom behind your hands when one of the teachers was wearing a very unattractive shade of lipstick. I decided right then and there that you were not going to be a member of my tribe. And no, I don't secretly want to sleep with you. And neither does that young single dad with whom you practically break your neck to impress nearly every day. You are an idiot. And your husband is seriously one of the most lascivious men on the planet.
7) Thank you, Bing for forgetting to pick up bread on the way home. I know you have a million chores to do what with school ending soon and all but would it kill you to remember ONE thing? I remembered to pick up your jacket at the cleaners that you want to take to Berlin. I remembered to pick up doughnuts for one of the secretary's birthdays at my job this morning and I also remembered to call the yard guy and tell him that one of the sprinkler heads is all messed up. I asked you to please pick up bread.
Ok...there is a documentary about the freedom riders that I think Liv and I should watch tonight and one of my sisters promised to take me out for dinner tomorrow since Liv is going to study at a friend's house, so I think my crabbiness will dissipate by the next blog.
Isn't it sad to know that I am not all that nice sometimes?
Just keepin' it real, dudes. Just keepin' it real....