Friday, April 15, 2011

Maybe you had to be there...

My computer time will be severely limited this weekend because Bing's laptop is in the shop and she has to do her taxes.

Yes. She is one of the million procrastinators who will be running around like a chicken with her head cut off this weekend.

And she does this EVERY year. Never learns, that girl.

Wanna hear something funny that happened to me at work today?

Of course you do.

I work in a huge building with 10 floors. Most of the building is devoted to medicine in some ways. The sleep clinic is on the first floor. I walk by every single morning and want to stop in for a nap.

Cafeteria is on the tenth floor. A few dentists on the 8th floor.

I work on the fourth floor.

We all have badges and a security guy actually checks our badges scrupulously every single morning even though his name is Fred and I say, "Mornin', Fred" every single morning and he says, "Mornin', Maria."

The fourth floor bathroom is directly across the hall from my office. Which is kind of nice. Convenient. There are ten stalls in said bathroom.

After lunch, I stopped in to pee before going back to work. I was the only one in there. I heard someone else come in but didn't think about it too hard. As I was rolling up some toilet paper to wipe off, I happened to look up and it was a good thing that my panties were already down because I would have peed my pants.

There was a large woman peering in through one of the cracks in the stall at me. I gave a sort of yelp and she...she....she...

LAUGHED and said, "Whoops! Sorry! I thought you were someone else. A friend of mine!"

I was too dumbfounded to speak, just finished up and stepped out. The bathroom peeper was washing her hands. I paused trying to think of something to say to her to explain that it is

MOTHER FUCKING RUDE to peep at another person while they are peeing. That is their PRIVATE ME TIME, dude.

Before I could speak, she went over to the cupboard under the sinks and pulled out a can of some industrial strength Lysol-like can that I suppose the janitor uses to sanitize the room when she is finished cleaning.

The woman picked up the can and began to walk to a stall. She said, "I am really going to need this afterwards!"

And then she looked cheerfully at me and smiled. Went into a stall.

I stood there stunned into silence. WAY too much information.

I mean, good lord...this whole scenario was just wrong on nearly every level.

I went back to my office and went into my co-worker's office. Her name is Julie and she works with the youngest of our children. Reba, our new office assistant was in there with her. I told both of them what happened.

And then Julia said, "God, who would even do that to a FRIEND? I mean, pee time is quiet-by-yourself time!"

Julia, Reba and I all started laughing.

You know how something is sort of funny but after you tell someone, it suddenly becomes almost unbearably funny? That happened to us. All three of us started laughing like loons. The kind of laughter where your mascara runs and you make silly little tee hee hee hee hee noises. Where you all sort of run down at the same time and then one will start all over and suddenly you are all laughing AGAIN.

That became our afternoon punch line. Every single time we passed each other in a hall, one of us would say, "Whoops! Sorry! I thought you were my friend!"

And we would chortle again.

I kept thinking that I had seen that woman in the bathroom somewhere but I couldn't put my finger on it.

And then I remembered and so, of course, I had to find Julie and Reba to tell them HOW I remembered her:

Back when we first moved into this building over a year ago, I was riding the elevator up and THAT SAME WOMAN got into the elevator too and then told me right out of the blue that her mother had recently died. Before I could say something consoling, she calmly looked at me and said, "I think she was about your size. Do you want to buy some of her clothes?"

I was befuddled then too. I stared at her for a long moment and then politely declined. But, inside I was thinking:

What a thing to say to a stranger in an elevator! And NO, I FUCKING WILL NOT BE BUYING YOUR DEAD MOTHER'S CLOTHES, LADY!"

When I told this to Julie and Reba, we all started giggling again. Not riot mode laughing like before, but chuckling.

God, WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH THIS WOMAN and does she have ANY social manners?

I mean, think about it? Would you say that to a STRANGER in an elevator? And how about the bathroom thing? What in fuck sakes would make anyone think that it was okay to peek in at someone peeing, EVEN IF YOU THOUGHT THEY WERE YOUR FRIEND? I mean, suppose it WAS your friend? What would you do then? Just stand there peeking at them and watch them pee and wipe off and then pull their pantyhose back up? What would you talk about? How your day was going?

So...you know how the story ends, don't you?

I went to the bathroom a few minutes before we closed up the office, like I always do. I like to have a pre-drive home pee. So, I am sitting there and suddenly I look up and yes...

Both Julie and Reba are on either side of the bathroom door, PEEKING in the slats.

"How's it goin', dude?"

I laughed so hard that even though I thought I was done, I managed to pee a bit more.

It is good to have friends in the office....

And WHAT WAS THAT WOMAN THINKING? WAS SHE RAISED IN A BARN?

19 comments:

sybil law said...

Hahahahaha
Some people seriously have NO social grace whatsoever - obviously she is one!

LizC said...

Well, I guess it was OK when Julie and Reba did it, because, after all, that time you WERE a friend. That was hilarious.

JohnD said...

I'd said to her "Wait a minute, I'll fart and see if you can know the odour!" LOL!

One thing about being male - we all (mostly) pee together in the open and - funny thing is, its always "eyes straight ahead" - you would take offence if the guy next to you was leaning over and peering down at your tackle! LOL! (again!)

ChiTown Girl said...

I don't know if I should laugh or be freaked out by this crazy woman!!!

BTW, I decided this afternoon would be a good time to maybe start my taxes. Too bad I never printed out my W2s, and now I think I have to wait until I go back to work on the 25th to get them. Yeah...I'm screwed....

heartinsanfrancisco said...

I thought the Peeping Tomasina was going to be your after-lunch appointment. I can't imagine how you would have handled that!

JY said...

she was born in a barn....

Sappho & Manly said...

She has definite overshare issues on every level...lol

Sarahf said...

I'm literally speechless.

Anonymous said...

Love love love friends with who (whom?) you can laugh until "the tears run down your leg"!! =)

LL Cool Joe said...

She sounds like the kind of woman I would make great efforts to avoid.

Lawfrog said...

Wow. I thought weird stuff like that only happened to me. I think this woman may have Asperger's. That would explain the total lack of social understanding.

I don't know what one would even respond to the many odd things she has said. Too funny and yet, so sad.

jo.irish.rose said...

i would of said something like "would you like to come in so you can get a better look see?" OMG, some people, and i would of said could you please wait till i leave the bathroom before you enter the stall? lmao!!

Colby said...

Wow. Just...wow.

And, yes, it is good to work with people with whom you can share that kind of laughter. Makes the day go by faster.

kristi said...

OMG, seriously the people at my work are just nasty. They use the bathroom and if it doesn't auto flush, they leave it and walk away. What the hell??

This woman sounds nuts!

Dawn said...

LOL. people never stop to amaze and dumbfound you, do they? that is RIDICULOUS. and it made me hysterically laugh out loud, so thanks :)

Busy Bee Suz said...

That is one freaking crazy lady there......is there any mental health offices in your building??? I think she escaped from one of them.

C said...

what a moron! at least you could laugh about with the girls...

Rose said...

Wow! I don't even know what to say about that, Maria!

Although Bugs Bunny saying, "What a maroon!" springs to mind!

the only daughter said...

The problem with commenting so late is most (if not all) have said what leapt immediately to mind, but would not be expressed at the time. So, here now . . . WOW!