Tuesday, April 05, 2011

Confession

Sometimes I stay home from work and I am not sick and I do not share that I am staying home with Bing or Liv.

Socks hasn't ratted me out yet. Probably because he gets to go on a morning walk and then lay on the bed or sofa with me all afternoon.

It's my dirty little secret.

I still have my cell on. If someone needs to contact me, I am just a phone call away. So, I am not unreachable.

I am just alone. Which is what I love to be. Sometimes.

Don't get me wrong. I love my life. It is full and busy and sweet. And last summer, when I was alone for months at a time, I was bereft. At first. And then I am half ashamed to admit that I did just okey dokey. The truth: I missed Liv daily, but not Bing. I think this is part of being a mother. It just comes with the price of admission. But...after the first few days of missing Bing, I was fine. I think it had everything to do with the fact that I knew that, in August, she was coming back home. If we had broken up or she had died or something, I'm quite sure that I would have been morose. But, we hadn't split up and she was very alive. So, in the meantime, the WHOLE bed was mine. I ate what I wanted when I wanted. If I wasn't hungry for lunch until 2 p.m., I ate then. If I wanted wine with dinner, I had it. And on a few of the weekends that were rainy, I confess that I laid in bed ALL DAY long with my book, snuggled up and only got up to let Socks out to make a mad dash to pee and then come loping back.

I listened to Lee DeWyze a lot. This alone would have made Bing want to scream. She calls him that coffee house singer and is not particularly impressed.

But, the truth is that when my phone rang and I saw the Liv icon, I practically sprang into action to get it right away. With Bing...okay...a few times I let it go to voicemail, times when I just didn't feel like listening to how interesting African tribal drum music was. Once, she played me a complex piece on a bongo and I felt the beginnings of a migraine, I swear it.

So, now that everyone is back home, my alone times are few and far between. I can't even run to the store for a phone battery without one or both of them wanting to go with me.

I listen to my book on tape in the car as I drive to and from work and sometimes I sit in the parking lot at work, cherishing my time alone.

I've tried going to bed early to get some alone time but I seem to be a magnet for both my lover and my daughter. Either Liv will come in and bounce, bounce, bounce on the bed and ask me what I am reading and what is it about and hey, can she interrupt for just one moment to ask me a question about this one thing...or Bing will come in and ask me if I would like a foot rub or a back rub. This is code for you are laying in that bed looking tasty and I am bored with watching old movies downstairs...Liv just went to bed...so WANNA FUCK?

No. I want to be alone. Like Greta Garbo.

If Bing is in the house, music is playing. She is just built that way. This would be fine if she was listening to Lee DeWyze, but no...she likes reggae and jazz. Frankly, jazz makes me feel like my nerves are snapping rubber bands and reggae, after an initial foot tapping few moments, makes me feel like I am babysitting a hyperactive child.

Plus, in the evenings, we have television shows that we never miss. It is sort of pathetic but I guess it could be worse.

On Sundays, we all watch The Amazing Race. We have bets on who is going to win. I am rooting for the Harlem Globetrotter team, Liv likes the cowboys and Bing has been pouting ever since they sent the mother/deaf son team home.

On Mondays, I watch Hawaii Five-O and yes, Bing, I do know that the story lines are lame. I just enjoy watching Scott Caan and Alex O'Loughlin. And it is merely a rumor that I once licked the television screen when Steve McGarrett did not have a shirt on.

On Tuesdays, we all watch Glee. Bing says she "isn't crazy" about this show but then what the hell is she doing sitting on the sofa watching it? Liv and I are known to do impromtu dance numbers when this is on.

Wednesdays and Thursdays are ABSOLUTELY NO ARGUING nights for American Idol. And yes, until last year, I was one of those uppity snots who sat with my nose in the air about this show and swore it was pablum for the masses. And then I decided to just see how Ellen was on the show and then there was Lee DeWyze and before you could say cougar, I was hooked. I promised Bing that I would not watch it this year ("Why would I wanna watch, honey? Lee isn't on this year! Well, maybe if he guests on it, I will watch THAT show....") but I lied. Liv and I watched the first show and now I am rooting for Paul McDonald while she likes James Durbin. Bing, who pretends that she is only marginally fond of this show has actually VOTED, something that neither Liv nor I have done. And it was for the reggae singer, Naima who has since been voted off and Bing is still sulking. But, I will tease her until her death that I caught her secretly voting for her. Her reasoning was that she somehow knew that she would be voted off and she was trying to postpone the inevitable.

Fridays, we all are hooked on Fringe. So much so that we all go out for pancakes on Fridays (family tradition) and then rush to the grocery store to do the week's shopping before it starts at 8 p.m. Yes, we are snorting tv pigs.

Saturdays? Nothing. But, hey...we need one night to play scrabble.

So, can you blame me for wanting to be alone sometimes? I feel like from the moment I get home in the evenings, I am surrounded by my family. Whom I love. Seriously. But, some days...I just want to lay around and not be hit on by my wife because Liv isn't around and she thinks that means it is romance time or have Liv tell me that, by the way, it is her turn to bring treats to school tomorrow.

I just want me time. Time to paint my toenails and not have to paint Liv's too or have Bing sit there watching me paint my toenails and for some strange reason, think this is sexy.

Today, I stayed home. And this is what I did:

1) I took Socks for a nice long morning walk.
2) I ate a bowl of cream of wheat for breakfast and put brown sugar on it.
3) I read an article in a magazine about how Lee DeWyze is now dating the girl that played his love interest in his video and that they are pretty serious. I studied her photo and admitted that she is gorgeous, but good hell...she IS a model and she IS only 20 and she doesn't have a full time job so that she can earn money for her daughter's college tuition. She also makes insipid remarks about how she loves her "daddy" so much because he pays her speeding tickets. Little brat. Oh, Lee. I sort of feel like I did when I found out that Springsteen married Julianne Philips. Like..God..at least marry some earthy girl who looks like she could inspire all those slice-of-life songs that you write. You know...NOT a model....

And then he married Patti and I forgave him. So...Lee needs to find a Patti.
4) I put on an old Aerosmith album and danced with the dog.
5) This made me dizzy, so I laid on the sofa for a while.
6) I painted toenails and fingernails a very soft mauve color. My days of fire engine red are behind me.
7) I tried out the new eyelash "rejuvenator" that is supposed to make my eyelashes fuller. I used to have such long eyelashes that they would occasionally hit my glasses. Now that never happens. So...I spent some $ on this eyelash gunk. Don't tell Bing. When I do that kind of shit, it annoys her. She doesn't understand makeup.
8) I ran the dishwasher and then thought that this was a bad idea because Bing will come home and wonder when I had time to do this when I was at work. I am not a good hider. I could never have an affair. I would be doing stupid things like leaving love letters sitting out on my dresser or somehow manage to get a very juvenile looking hickey or something equally stupid.
9) I started a new book: The Pioneer Woman; Black Heels to Tractor Wheels by Ree Drummond because someone once told me that our blogs were similar. I took a look at her blog and decided that she was WAY better than me at blogging, but when I saw her book, I bought it because if it is as good as her blog, it is good.
10) I sent dirty text messages to my sisters to make them laugh. Especially, Jessie...who is teaching her religion class about now. I like to make her feel very, very guilty but laugh anyway.
12) I e-mailed my friend in West Virginia and told her that YES, I would be flying up in late April to go to the Lee DeWyze concert with her. She knows of my obsession interest in him and wrote to say that he is playing there in late April. I am also going to see him in Des Moines, Iowa on July 21, but I swear that this is it, Bing. I swear.
12) I watched the beginning of a movie with a very young Robert DeNiro in it but decided that I didn't need to spend my day watching television until Ellen is on.

And now, Ellen is coming on, so I am going to go slog on the sofa with the dog and maybe eat some ice cream too.

I will be alone soon enough. Bing is spending the month of June in Berlin and Liv is spending 10 days in June with her father who is spending the summer in Paris teaching. So...June will be a solitary month for me.

Ever play hookey? And if not, WHY NOT?

24 comments:

Redbone210 said...

You know...you aren't alone...we're all here with you! lol

ChiTown Girl said...

Yes, yes, yes!!! This sounds like my perfect day!!! I LOVE to be alone in the house. I've always been that way, even when I was a kid. I was never afraid to be in an empty house all alone. My 40 year old sister is STILL afraid to be home alone! haha!

And, yes, I play hookey whenever I can! It used to be pretty often with my old principal (usually one mental health day a month!) but with New Principal, it's not as easy. :(

Annemarie of Holland said...

Don't have to play hookey; I'm a translator, I sit at home all day on my very own (if you leave out the three dogs and two cats) and I love it! I thoroughly enjoy being alone and so it's the perfect job for me.

Linda@VS said...

I played hooky from work ONE time. I called in and said that I had a stomach virus when I was really just tired. When I went to work the next day, three other people were absent. They had all called in sick and said they probably caught the stomach virus from me.

Lilith said...

Yes, I have played hookey. I always feel guilty about it but I need to do it sometimes, for my mental health. I am thankful my children are grown now, I don't have to take care of them. My soon to be ex husband is gone, don't have to take care of him either. Truth be told, I like being along, not all the time but yeah, I like it.

pins said...

Oh God Yes! I love playing hookey. And not telling my girlfriend until she gets home. Like you,I need alone time and usually my hookey days are wasted being a lazy tv addict. But I love to do it once in awhile.

Sarahf said...

I'm the kind of person who always gets caught, so no hookey for me. Then again, I have plenty of alone time because I'm not married and don't have kids. If I did, I might have to play hookey from time to time.

JY said...

LOL! All the time! But not recently. MIL is always at home and hubs is too (he works from home)...so I go to work to escape!

Anonymous said...

I once played hooky, not so much to be alone but becasue I was really, really tired. I could have made it through the work day but... However, in the middle of my "sick" day, the flower shop delivered flowers from my employer/fellow workers expressing genuine concern. I felt horrible. I have not attempted hooky since!

kristi said...

I get a day off during the week and I work every Saturday. Last Thursday on my day off,I bought groceries, met friends for lunch and got a haircut. I was gone ALL day! Today I was off and I stayed home and did laundry and cooked and watched movies..it was awesome having the house to myself. :)

kristi said...

Oh yeah, I painted my nails too!

sybil law said...

I'm a total loner at heart, so it's hard for me to have someone around me all the time (and I have a kid - go figure! Actually, that part was very hard for me to get used to!).
Alone time is a must. I'm glad you're taking some!

Busy Bee Suz said...

I have always enjoyed being alone too....but I seem to get more alone days lately and that worries me a bit.
Your hookey day sounds perfect. Perhaps you should 'schedule' one of those each month??
This is beautifully written...and I have read the Pioneer woman's blog. I can relate to you much more!

Jean said...

Hey, Maria! Want to meet up for sushi when you are in DSM???

e said...

I used to play hooky regularly. And, I had to be really sneaky about it. I would get up, shower, dress, have my coffee, leave the house, and take the bus downtown. Then I would sit in a coffee shop reading until I was sure that everyone was gone. Then I would take the bus back home and revel in the silence.

It's been an issue with my gf lately because she is the opposite of me. She doesn't like to be alone and doesn't understand my need for that.

We're working on that one!

Lawfrog said...

Alone time is essential in my world. I not only want it, I NEED it. I can relate to everything you wrote here. Sometimes you just need to be alone and doing your own thing.

jo.irish.rose said...

i love to be alone but alas, i have to share the house with my hubby and MIL. she follows me around like a puppy. and well, my hubby is gone most all day. so for me to be alone, i have to go to the john ory room. and that is BORING! so when she goes to see FIL at the nursing home, that is my free time. i can watch my movies, or play music, run around naked if i so choose, (tho i wouldn't do that, unless hubby was home, lol) or just do whatever i want without being watched. it is her house...so i feel like i can't really relax "all the way" while she is around, tho she says to make ourselves at home. but when she is gone, i can. i know how you feel tho, i love being alone. i cherish the time. even tho i love my hubs and being with him, i enjoy my time alone. i sometimes will go alone to the beach and just sit and read or watch the water, just to relax. sometimes we just need our time. nothing but us and our thoughts. don't feel guilty. enjoy it.

Maria said...

Hi Jean,
I will let you know about sushi. I am traveling with my niece and she is driving since my arthritis will NOT let me make a three hour drive on my own.

Plus, my niece is 19 and I think she would puke if I told her that we were going to have sushi for dinner.

We are coming back after the concert too since she has summer school the next day. How she is going to get home around 2 a.m. and make an 8 a.m. class is beyond me but she acts like this is no big deal. Oh to be young again...

Jean said...

The offer stands and I know a great place in town that has amazing COOKED fish, along with sushi.

Comment on my blog if you change your mind!

Earth Muffin said...

My classroom falls apart when I'm not there. Personal days and planned sick days (for appointments or whatever) have to be OVERplanned for because the kids I work with are just so flippin' nasty to subs. When I have a genuine sick day, either for me or my kids, my phone blows up from all the texts I get guiding my aide and sub around a variety of behavior issues. As enticing as a day of hookey sounds, I would pay through the nose for it afterwards. I get all summer and 2 weeks at the holidays off, that's my hookey. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE that schedule, but I envy your hookey days. Mr. EM takes them every so often and I get so jealous that I might be a bit of a bitch when I get home from work and see him napping on the couch with the X-box controller by his side...

the only daughter said...

I don't much anymore, because I never know when the home will be empty. Plus, whatever solace I might get at being alone is smashed like the front end of demolition derby cars.

Camlin said...

I feel the same way about my alone time. I need it. I need to sleep alone in my own bed once in a while, and spend a day with no one but myself for company.

I'm on team James. Last year I was rooting for Crystal...I never thought I'd be hooked on AI either.

This Mom said...

Your day off sounds decadent and wonderful. I do play hooky from work, but since my wife works nights she is home during the day and she also considers time when the kids are gone as "romance time". A day ALONE at home just sounds perfect!

MmeBenaut said...

No, I never, every played hookey. I can't believe it either.