It's not who you think.
Sometimes I read my blog and roll my eyes. I sound so contented and warm and earthy. A blissful mama and her baby cub all cuddled up with another mama bear and a frolicking dog to boot.
It's true, I suppose. My life is that idyllic a lot of the time. And my love for my daughter is just about the most peaceful, joyous love I can imagine.
But, what I have hinted at but probably not given enough space to is the other person who lives in me.
Sometimes I feel like a fraud.
Because while I love my life, love my friends, love my family, love my freakin' dog for fuck sakes, I also have a yearning for a darker reality.
Sometimes I hear a song and it melts all over me because I feel like maybe there are others in the world who are like me and it is sort of a luxury to feel like that.
I tend to be kind of a lonely woman even in the middle of all this love in my life. I am not much of a hugger or a gusher. I read my blog sometimes and get a bit gaggy from all the sweet sweet.
I am a complicated woman.
I am mostly good. I don't lie, cheat or steal. Well, I lie sometimes, but only to protect someone or to keep a cruel truth from surfacing.
I work very hard at being a good mother. I work less hard but I do try to be a good partner to Bing. I earn my own keep, pay my bills on time, keep a happy, healthy stance in my home. I take care of my own. I try to do good in the world. My job benefits children.
I carry blankets in my car in the winter to hand out to the homeless. Bing and I make sure that no kids in her classes go without a coat if they need it. I say sure when I am asked at the grocery store if I want to donate a dollar to help find a cure for juvenile diabetes. My friends know that I will help if they need me. Always.
But sometimes, like the song that melted all over me says, I wish that I could take a holiday. By myself.
This is what I sometimes ache to do:
I want to get on an airplane and tell everyone my name is Brigid or Francine or Bess or Caroline. Anything but my real name. I want to check into my hotel in Europe and go out and find a dive bar to play pool in. I want to beat the pants off every man or woman who plays me. And fuck it if their fragile feelings are bruised. I want to not care.
I want to drink so much that I can barely remember my own name. So much that he or she has to carry me up to one of our hotel rooms. While I am getting good and stumbley, I want to dance to Dave Matthews and smoke some cigarettes. Drink Tequila.
When we get upstairs, I want to be thrown on the bed, not gently laid down. I want to kiss him/her so hard that I get carried away and bite their bottom lip and draw a bead or two of blood. And I want to fuck. Not make love. Fuck.
And laugh. I want to laugh and for it to be fun and intense and naughty and oh so nice too. Because I want to be with my counterpart, someone who is basically good and kind but has this thin reedy streak of no-no sliding up in their veins sometimes too.
I want to be someone's crazy memory of a wild night. The kind of girl that they really don't want to even think of bringing home to their mama. I want them to shake their head when they remember that crazy girl that drove them just a little bit insane that night. I want to be the girl who talked them into wearing that metaphorical bunny suit. The girl who snarkily showed them a real crazy time and made them do foolish things, just for that one night.
I don't want to be a mother, a partner, a devoted friend. Just for that short time, I want to be right next door to a dangerous woman.
And then I want to move on, to some place else, someone else. I want to leave a lingering scent of something sexy and silly and sweet and totally off the chain.
I want to leave my angel wings at home and be kind of a beautiful mess.
Not forever. Not for long. Just for a holiday.
And then I want to come home and step gently into my life again with no regrets. I want to look off in the distance at nothing and then blush and smirk a little when I remember it all.
Whenever I hear this song, I feel like the guy that wrote it knows exactly how it feels to be in my skin, to read my mind.
I'll probably never act on it. I am too cognizant of the danger that a life like that could bring. I have no desire to crash and burn.
But, yeah...a little bit of blood on your bottom lip wouldn't kill you, buster. And I'd be gone before you knew what really hit you.
23 comments:
omg...I can't believe it. I thought I was the only one who had this type of fantasy. Maybe we are more normal than we think.
I get it.
I have always wanted to live dangerously and regretted that I lacked the courage. In fact, I have lived very dangerously at times but since I didn't bring it on purposely, I'm not sure it counts.
You don't come off as cloying, by the way. Just thought you should know that.
ooohhh sounds wild and wicked... smiling cuz that is also a part of moi.
oh the fantasies i could tell you about,
well, i hope you get to live it out someday.. are you comfortable telling bing so she could rape you sometime? diane is way too gentle... she could never bite hard enough or be rough enough, ya know? never did the drop of blood thing, but bruises and teeth marks, i have seen....
i have a certain energy that builds up in me, where i get really i mean really horny and in that moment i could do anything.... its a need that nothing can get in the way of... and has been met only a handful of times...
ewwwwwy, MAMA....
and i too wanna be fucked...
hard.
is this TMI?
;)
btw, how'd your sex talk go with liv?
Me too. All of it. Yep, me too.
-Paula
It is exactly what I am fighting right now. Thank you for putting it so succinctly. FUCK.
Don't we all want this though? I know I do. Or at least "some other life" whatever it may be; that's different from our own?
I think it's a testament to our loved ones that we CHOOSE the life we're living. That we could have that other life that we really want, but we choose our partner, our kids, our pets on a daily basis.
But I do agree, I often dream of the other lives I could be living.
Meet me in Vegas, babe!
. . . this thin reedy streak of no-no sliding up in their veins sometimes too. This, and all the rest is why I love coming to visit you.
And ditto what hearts said.
I have several fantasies that I have developed over the years that are in this same genre. I keep them tucked away in a very small, special box in my mind. It's locked, but once in a while, like you, an experience or a memory, a song or a picture or even a smell slips the key into the lock. I know the box is opened when it happens, and savor for however many hours it is until sleep the anticipation of immersing myself in one of them. I add a bit of this, take away a bit of that as I drop off to sleep, hoping that the fantasy will roll into a dream.
Your entry about the guy that kissed you so long and so well unlocked the box for me. It was lovely, and melancholy all the same. I meant to thank you for that.
I definitely have that sort of fantasy as well. There are just certain things that it's hard to do or say or BE with your long-time partner who's tucked you in when you're sick.
I also know that on some levels I settled down too young (and too inexperienced) but I DID settle down knowingly and of my own free will.
And yet, I carry so much damned guilt for even having the fantasy. Sometimes the burden of one's responsibilities is a glorious one; sometimes it just chafes like FUCKING HELL.
I think anyone who has read you for a while sees flickers of this other you throughout your entries. I know I do.
And I like her.
Ha ha. This made me laugh in a very knowing way. I sometimes lived that way when I was much younger and on holiday so I have memories - quite a few. I was always in a place far from home and always travelling alone. I'm a loner too. So, I have a tiny smugness in my heart which is just as well because I'm far too decrepit now to ever act on those desires. I've discovered now that I can't tolerate alcohol so I couldn't tackle a bottle of Tequila these days. Once upon a time I could drink any man around under the table if the tipple was whiskey which was no doubt the cause of my craziness. I used to have a phrase "half-f....d and thrown back". There were some like that with whom one would be pitiably nice and then there were the others who would tackle things more thoroughly. I've never drawn blood, nor had it drawn from me, even back then, there was always just a little bit of constraint in me.
Well, I'm sure there will be many comments on this one!
Just a few thoughts from regular reader ZC (the one with same taste in TV as you):
1. ah... but you ARE that person, right? you are!
2. it's just fucking hard to be what we are in each moment. i think that's just the fucking hard buddhist truth of it. it's just hard. no getting around that - it's not so much what we don't like about ourselves or our lives or what/who is around us - it's the dissatisfaction. that's the real deal.
3. you sometimes work with autistic kids, yes? that was my career goal when i was in high school. my life took a different turn but i've always felt this wierd "connection" with autism... like i'm somewhere on that spectrum, somewhere. i think i am - in terms of some kind of perception way - not in terms of social modalities. do you feel that way? i just wondered - the thought came to me recently about you. not that i spend tons of time pondering you! do not fear! i am not obnoxious stalker person! the thought just popped in there. the non-huggy thing, maybe. anyway... that's appropos of nothing... just an observation i felt impelled to share.
4. life is sure challenging, isn't it?
for me, too!
(i am the long-time single mom who is wrenchingly working on being in a rela after 10 years of not.)
ZC
Sometimes I want to do that too. I remember when I used to be a lot wilder than I am anymore and how much fun it was. And then waking up and thinking that maybe that much fun was too much fun?
But wouldn't it be nice? Just for a little while?
I am pretty sure there are a lot of us with wild thoughts...we are happy with our lives, it has nothing to do with that...
but oh ya we have a dream or two ... that probably will never happen in reality... :O)
our dark sides are dark for a reason!!!
they are hidden away and should remain so..albeit to everyone but ourselves..and even then we should only unleash them when we are in control!
Sometimes I think fantasies like this -- and even actions taken to fulfill the fantasies -- are not as much about the thoughts and actions themselves as they are about the desire to have something delicious of our very own -- something selfish, something wild, something we can know that we don't have to share. A little bit of adventure we can hold on to on the days when our lives seem terribly ordinary. I wouldn't be surprised to learn that, for women, the allure of an extramarital affair is as strongly tied to the secret as it is to the sex. Just a theory, of course.
And by the way, thanks for tipping me off to this wonderful song!
I like your dark side, Maria. :) And I think there are many more of us that feel that way sometimes than you may realize.
Wow. We all crave contradictions similar to yours, but you say it so well, I feel less apt to act on my mine.
We strive for the things that make our hearts sing, then we want more. Such is the human condition.
No Maria...I don't get your pushback but then, I don't need to get it, it's your life.
Well, I DO remember back in my manic, non-sober, pot-stoned younger years having all that... When we let go like that it never only lasts for a vacation or a weekend... It is SO much part of a sex addiction, living on the edge, staggering around in a burning fever of sleazy orgasms & danger, so many secrets...
SO MUCH FUN at first until it isn't... which comes sooner than we think...
I do thank God, Goddess, Universe I went to SCA (sexual compulsives annonymous) & got out of that cycle of insanity! And now I too live in a mundane day to day existence of loving my one & only woman... and Yes Life is so good...
BUT when I do think back & remember the crazed heat.... It does feel exciting & crazy to think back on... But I never want to loose myself again, no matter how sex is now not so out of control. So I push it back into the dusty corners of my recovering mind.
But yup, you definately brought it back just now.
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