Thursday, August 05, 2010

How to suck at phone sex

Your partner has been in Africa all summer. You miss her. She misses you.

Table is set for some good phone sex. One problem: you are a phone sex virgin. But, frankly, it is not exactly a problem since you are ignorant of your lack of expertise in that department. Since you have never had it, you don't even think of it. But, apparently your partner has been thinking about this. A lot. For a long time.

She calls you. She sounds tired but wanted to catch up with you since you haven't spoken in four days. Her voice goes soft towards the end of the conversation. Her voice is one that you recognize as the bed voice. Meaning: this is how she talks when you are about to have sex or have already had really good sex. Her voice is soft and husky. A little urgent. This sort of baffles you but you think to yourself that maybe she is just really, really exhausted and it just sounds like her bed voice but it is really her very very tired voice.

She says, "So...what are you wearing?"

The ball has apparently been thrown but you don't have a clue. Because, yes, you are taking her literally.

You look down at your clothes. You are wearing one of her old tee shirts. You tell her this. You elaborate by saying it is the old Gin Blossoms tee shirt, the one that she spilled spaghetti sauce on and remember you tried and tried but neither of you could get it out?

Longish silence.

She finally says, "Um...oh. Okay."

You can tell that you have misstepped somehow, but haven't a clue about what. So, you being you, a very upfront and sort of practical person, you ask her what is up, why does she sound so profoundly disappointed.

She chuckles. Says: "Weeeeelllll, I guess I was hoping you would say you were wearing a black teddy."

You are totally befuddled. You don't own a black teddy, what the hell is she talking about?

You tell her this. You say, "Honey, I don't even own a teddy and why would I? They are so uncomfortable, all that scratchy fabric."

She sighs. You ask her again what is going on.

She sighs again. This time she says: "It's just...I miss you sooo much and I was hoping that you would help me out here and tell me you were wearing a thong or those lacy red panties with the black lace on the top that are in your second drawer down on the left side. The ones that you used to wear a lot when we were first together, but now...not so much..."

You are completely lost.

You say, "What do you mean, I should help you out?"

Another silence. Suddenly, you get it. This is about the same time that she says: "Um...never mind. Nothing. I love you."

Ohhhhh.

You giggle like a sixteen year old girl in the backseat of a chevy.

You say, "Oh. Sorry. I get it. You want me to take care of your um....needs. Well, ok. I'm game. Let's um, see. Give me a sec."

You know that she is rolling her eyes. She has lost that bedroom voice tone and it has been replaced by the you are sort of annoying me one.

Before you can answer, she says: "Um...sweetie? Do you have to make it sound like a chore you have to do? It sounds like you are saying that you have to empty the dishwasher, take the trash out and oh...yeah....take care of my partner's needs..."

You try to make amends. You try to explain to her that it isn't like that at all. Just that you know that you BOTH see to each other's needs sexually and that you are happy to comply.

She is rolling her eyes again. You can just tell.

She says: "And of course, my needs are so much more front and center than yours are. Do you ever just...I dunno....miss me? Like I miss you? Like spend the whole day thinking of getting lost in my hair the way that I do with you? Somehow I don't think so."

She is right but you don't admit it. The thing is that you just aren't built that way. You think about sex, yeah. But, not DAILY. And not achingly really, more like fleetingly.

You tell her that you will try.

You try to think of something to say. Finally you let out a halfass really cheesy moan and say, "Oh, baby. I can feel you."

She is doing that eye rolling thing again, you think.

She mutters something under her breath that it is probably best that you don't hear.

She says out loud: "Sweetheart? You can stop. Really. I'm good. I just...like I said, I am just missing you tonight."

You admit to her that you have never done this before and you are pretty sure that you suck big time at it. She finally laughs and agrees with you. And then she says: "But, you know, I find that surprisingly sexy."

You both laugh together. This feels nice. Sort of like when you are laying in bed after sex and stroking each other's skin and telling each other about your day. All the stuff that had to be put on hold because you both just needed to fuck. Right then. Right there. Right now.

You and your partner talk a bit more. She tells you that the next time she calls and asks what you are wearing, you should say nothing. Or maybe say that you are just wearing a black leather mini skirt. You both start one upping each other with garb ideas.

A silver belt around your waist and nothing else.

High heels. Those red ones.

A see through negligee.

An unbuttoned men's shirt.

It starts to get silly as you come up with more outlandish ideas.

A whip wrapped around your waist.

Hand cuffs with fur lining.

A man's tie. A top hat.

Finally, you both admit that you are beat. So tired.

You whisper that the reason you are wearing her tee shirt is that it smells like her.

She is quiet for a moment and then finally says in an answering whisper: "Ok...now THAT is sexy. Thank you. I needed that."

You remind each other that she will be home in less than a week and promise to have crazy girl sex as soon as you can. You tell her that you will make sure that Liv has a long play date for at least one day and you will catch up on each other's um....needs.

You hang up. Before you go to bed, you make a mental note to stop at Victoria's Secret to buy a black lace teddy.

It is scratchy, yes. But, it won't be on for that long anyway......

Smiling, you get in bed and fall asleep.

18 comments:

Heather said...

I'm not all that great with the phone sex/dirty talk myself so I can actually feel your "pain" on this one even though I actually do think about sex in the achingly way a bit more often in seems than fleetingly. I'm just more about the actions than the talking. Just shut up and let's get to it, I guess!

And, Maria, don't HAVE to get a scratchy teddy. A comfy body is a sexy body. Just sayin'... ;)

the only daughter said...

Ya'll be careful. :)

heartinsanfrancisco said...

This gave me the most delicious laughter, which it turns out was something I needed. (I'm a phone sex virgin, too, and likely to remain so. Although I once owned a teddy.)

C said...

sooooooo, i take it you are back from your trip to see liv? and erm, missy, where is our update about that, your flight home, and possibly pictures?

cute convo with the wifey, tho... yeah, i'm not good in the phone sex dept. either... but at least you both ended up gigglin like school girls and i find that so much more comfortable...

how was your flight back?

Rose said...

That black lace teddy idea? REALLY good one, Maria. She'll be so happy! :-)

Trop said...

I enjoy sex, seriously. But I could also live without it. In my marriage, Court is Bing and I'm you. We have great sexual chemistry but drastically different appetites. And the harder she tries to get my fire burning, the more it feels like a chore--like another thing I have to do along with the laundry or driving the daughter to her job. And that kills it. It's the only part of my marriage that makes me unhappy.

Earth Muffin said...

She will be thrilled with you in a teddy, and you're right...it won't be on for long. Mr. EM and I both used to think that lingerie was useless and silly. However, a few years ago, I spotted a pretty purple night-slip thingie on a sale rack at Macy's and decided to buy it. He went totally NUTS for it! Since then, I've bought a couple of other pretty, short, lacy items and all of them have been well-received. Lingerie doesn't have to be uncomfortable. Find something that you like and Bing will like it too. Have fun, you 2 crazy kids!!! ;)

Lisa said...

I love how being practical can get in the way sometimes.

Sounds like you have the cure, though.

John Gray jgsheffield@hotmail.com said...

knowing my luck the old lady at the exchange would burst out laughing when listening in!!!

KMae said...

I used to be really GREAT @ phone sex... back in the spring of 43... But it doesnt work if the other person isn't a sexual freak as well.. I say freak because in those days I was out of control with lust. My partner was not like that so much & rather innocent. It came easy with women who REALLY wanted me... So much so that it was one of the things I went to SCA (sexual compulsive anonymous) to get under control so I wouldnt go out of control & physically fuck women I wasnt committed to. phew! Now with the pause (as in meno-) it is a relief not to even think about it anymore... I'm not kidding.

zirelda said...

Too funny. But boy can I understand.

Phone sex is something I just don't like at all.

Jason, as himself said...

Maybe you should skype?

Jason, as himself said...

Okay, that is not what I was originally going to say. I was going to say:

You are brilliant! Brilliant, I tell you.

This is one of my favorite posts of yours.

Jason, as himself said...

Oh, and one more thing:

A top hat? That had me rolling.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

The first time I heard of phone sex was in the Boston underground newspaper which was like the Village Voice, but I can't remember its name. I seriously thought it must be a joke.

e said...

This had me laughing, Maria! My gf loves the sexy talk and I am just no good at it. Whether it's on the phone or in bed, I just don't click that way. For me, sex is more about *not* thinking and I have to think way too much to come up with that stuff.

Love the humor, though. That and the sweetness are what work best.

Have fun taking that teddy off!

Miss Healthypants said...

Aww, this just made me smile and laugh--thanks! :)

You should totally check out this youtube video and listen to the words this guy says--I think you'll relate:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGOohBytKTU

kristi said...

Last week I was missing my hubby so I took a photo of my boob and sent it to him! LOL. He loved it.