Sunday, August 01, 2010

Do you want to touch me?

I am dreaming. I know this even as I dream. I am kissing a man. No idea who it is. When I try to see his face, everything goes out of focus as if I am underwater.

Doesn't matter. The kisses are too sweet to care about the lips pressing them.

I notice that my hair is this beautiful coppery red. It falls across my shoulders and I am stunned for a moment at the sheer shine and prettiness of it. Is that MINE? Or his? It's mine, I think. Well, wow. I always wanted that shade.

The kisses are deeper now and I am lost in the force of the intensity, the urgent insistence that I kiss back. I do.

I open my mouth just a little bit, just enough to breathe the kisses in. I think to myself that he really knows how to kiss. Jesus. Jaysus. Not too much tongue, just a small taste now and then, no slobbery rubber invasion. I am smitten by these kisses.

I hear myself groan out a name and try to hear it so that I can know who I am kissing but the name eludes me over and over again.

His hands are callused and I sort of like that although they feel rough on my rib cage. He has a five o'clock shadow. I can feel it rubbing against the side of my face. I smile. Been a looooonnnnnggg time since I experienced beard burn.

I pull back, determined to find his face, to register it in my mind.

I don't recognize him and tell him so. He laughs. It is a sweet, tender laugh from such a rough faced man.

"This is from your life before this one," he explains gently, and then goes back to kissing before I can really take this thought in.

I get lost again and am a little embarrassed by lack of interest in who I am kissing. Shouldn't I care a bit more?

No, I think...you are just dreaming...so it is okay.

I nod and lose myself again. He is truly skilled at the art of kissing and I hope that I don't wake up soon. Occasionally, we stop to share short sentences. I tell him that I think I am dreaming this because my sisters and I saw Joan Jett last night in concert and that song she sang was sooooo fucking sexy. He agrees. Tells me about how pretty the sunrise was last night in his city.

"I think we knew each other in a previous life," he says, slowly. "I think we are both dreaming about each other. Isn't this just...AMAZING?" I agree. We smile and wait for a beat. We wait until we can't stand not kissing each other again and then grinning in agreement, resume our perfect kiss.

I hear some sort of growling noise and it jars me enough to start pulling me out of my dream. I clutch on to his arms, trying to pull him out of the dream with me.

"Stay with me!" I beg. He shakes his head. He can't. I know this. His look is resigned but understanding.

I awaken to my bed with the baby blue sheets, the air conditioner droning. I sit up, feeling slightly dizzy. Realize that one side of my head is pounding. There is a strange sound coming from outside. I get up gingerly and grope for my glasses, find them and peek out into the street. There is some sort of back hoe at the school across the street, it is shoveling up dirt. I glance at my watch. It is not even seven a.m. Kind of early for this shit, isn't it? Especially on a Sunday. Good hell.

I stumble to the bathroom and take my migraine meds, knowing that it is too late for them. The migraine isn't in it's early stage, it has already begun and there is no way to stop it now. Will just have to endure it.

I crawl back into bed and place my hand on my left breast, remembering his there.

But already I have lost his face. Can't remember it. I run the dream through my head so that I don't completely lose it and then, shivering, let the pain in my head block out everything else.

I fall into a migraine sleep. Not really deep, more like skimming on top of sleep, sliding around the pain.

My last thought before I fall asleep is that I am grateful that Bing and Liv aren't here. I am alone in the house and can sleep knowing that I am not disrupting anyone's day.

I will awaken around ten to let the dog out to pee and then fill his bowl with food and water and stumble back to bed. I will stay there until nearly five and awaken to the pounding of the migraine slipping into a smaller, staccato beat.

I will get up and stand in the shower with the water pulsing on my back and will be able to grab just enough of the dream to ponder it.

Hmmm..past life?

What do you think?

16 comments:

the only daughter said...

Quite possibly. All I can say for certain, is thank goodness this is your dream and not mine. Beard burn, not for me.

I must say though, the kissing...change the pronoun and I'm there. yum.

BCS317 said...

Past life,possibly.
But honestly, it really sounds like an out-of -body experience.

Kass said...

What that is is some damn good writing. Kissing stories can be so boring, but this wasn't.

"They" say that everyone in your dream is you, so I guess this aspect of you that you are kissing is some part of you that recognizes and embraces your masculine side. You are totally integrated with your sexuality. Just a thought...or it could be that you're going to fall in love with the backhoe operator.

Lilith said...

Inner life?

LL Cool Joe said...

Hurry home Bing, is what I say.

Get well soon Maria!

Rose said...

Ugh. Migraines. I hope this one wasn't too bad for you. They are awful!

But the past life thing? Yes, I believe that. I've had too many experiences like this that make it totally believable to me.

Don't ya kinda wish, though, that you could meet him again in this lifetime? :-)

Jean said...

I know that man, Maria. He was in my past life - this one - and his name is Steve. Exactly as you described - exactly.

Funny you should meet him in your dream! And that hair? It was his, very long and full and wavy. I loved how it would fall across me. He was a guitar player, moved from DSM to San Francisco in the late 80s. He LOVED Joan Jett and I love her, too. I even tried to channel her to make him love me more - had the hair cut, learned to play guitar, worked to perfect the attitude.

Lucky, lucky girl. I want to have this dream, too. It would SO be worth a migraine.

e said...

I love the idea that you were both dreaming the same dream at the same time.

KMae said...

Yes, I definately think it is possible - past lives blending into present dreams. You are obviously extremely sensitive to get this!!!
Glad you are alone for the damn migraine. Tie a tube sock tight around your head for constant pressure. It helps my migraines so much.

Eric said...

Why not? I like that idea.

John Gray jgsheffield@hotmail.com said...

I think you're just horny!!!
tee hee

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Past life encounter - absolutely. I suspect that we all have those dream visits regularly but don't remember or understand them. They are rarely so explicit about being from a previous lifetime so the fact that this one was makes it plausible to me. And quite lovely.

I hope you're feeling better by now.

Chris said...

Last week I dreamed that Anthony Bourdain and I were kissing like that...like we'd been doing it our whole lives. it's been a long time since i had a dream i never wanted to wake up from :-)

I am currently in the midst of my newfound obsession -- Mad Men -- and I'm hoping for Don Draper dreams just like yours :-)

Texan said...

Could be past life who really knows on that one for sure.

Hey just for what its worth, I used to get migraines three different kinds of them grrrr ... I had a ALCAT test done. I have not had migraines in 3 yrs. I am telling you its a miracle. You can look up ALCAT by googling that. Not to mention I no longer have what they said was fibromayalgia which I never bought into! I am not associated in anyway with that test, I just happened onto a Dr that told me about it and thought I should have it done. It truly has been life changing!

Glad your family is all getting back home. Look you made it thru!

Miss Healthypants said...

That is fascinating--and yes, I do think he was from a past life of yours--I love it! :)

Tarka said...

this comment is obviously several days late but I just reread this post and wanted to respond-
my son and I both dream large, vivid landscapes of dreams, long, elaborate dreams that seems to have a deeper meaning or that often portend a coming event. Or we have dreams that are so detailed and involved we joke that we have another life we live when we're supposedly asleep-
there was that family I tried frantically, all of one night, to move out of their cabin in the Smokey Mountains because of a forest fire- we pictured some real family in Appalachia bewilderedly asking each other who that crazy lady was that was here last night trying to get us all out of the house during that rainstorm?
I guess we're only half joking when we question whether sleep or dreams are a portal or a break in the time/space continuum or time looping back on itself or memories of past lives replaying themselves-