Thanks for all of the e-mails asking me if everything is okay.
Yes. Everything is groovy now that Bing's sister has left the premises. She was supposed to visit for four days. She showed up a DAY EARLY. I was laying splayed on the sofa reading a magazine when I heard the doorbell ring. I peeked out my hurricane blinds.
Ugh. What the fuck was SHE doin' here? She wasn't supposed to come until FRIDAY. It was Thursday. It was almost time for me to get my weekly fix of Moonlight. Nothing like a good strong drink of Alex O'Loughlin to get everything all sweet in my world. And then...
FUCK. FUCKITY. FUCKITY. NO!!!! NO FUCKIN' WAY!
Shit. No way to ignore her. She IS Bing's sister. So, I pulled my face into a smile and answered the door. I asked her why she was here a day early.
"The class I was teaching ended early since we had such a poor turnout!" she exclaimed, her voice all squeaky and excited.
I asked her in my sweet sister in-law voice why she didn't call to tell me ahead of time. She smirked at me.
"SURPRISE!" she bellowed.
Yup. Big fucking surprise alrighty.
The five days seemed like ten and I am just now coming down off of them. She was just...yes...I'll just say it: A HORRIBLE GUEST.
She thought the a/c wasn't cool enough.
The bathroom wasn't finished yet? (Ok, I'm with her on this sucker. That bathroom needs to get done yesterday, Bing.)
Why didn't I have the GOOD oatmeal? This is not Quaker. She likes Quaker. This is steel cut Irish oatmeal. It is too gloopy.
Was I aware that the shower head in the shower is off center?
Doesn't it sound like fun to go to the railroad exhibit at the Durham Museaum? (Shit, no.)
Why don't we order a pizza? No, not black olives. No, not hamburger. How about pineapple and canadian bacon? What do you mean that is not real pizza?
Why doesn't your dog like me? (He has really good taste.)
Why don't you and Bing ever return my phone calls? (Sorry. I tell her to answer you. She ignores me.)
Do you think it is smart to just let Liv go gallivanting off with her father? I mean, he only sees her infrequently. Aren't you afraid that he will kidnap her? (Of course not. Now excuse me while I go frantically text my child.)
That bed in the guest room is sure lumpy.
Do you always sleep until noon on the weekends? Isn't that kind of indulgent?
You only have ham for lunch meat. I like roast beef.
Tell your dog to stop staring at me like that, will you?
It was not pleasant. So, I am recuperating. She is gone finally.
For one truly sickening moment it appeared that her flight home would be canceled due to a storm. I never prayed so hard in my life for the sun to come out. It finally took off three hours late.
I went home, took the dog for a long walk and took a nap. Being alone in my house felt like someone just gave me a present.
Felice also commented that I am not as pretty as I used to be. That I am beginning to look my age now. Not that I was ever all that gorgeous or anything but apparently I used to be much better looking.
Oh...and she thinks my glasses are "too young" for me. "You look like you are trying to look hip when really, you are a mature older woman now. Do you really want to look like a rocker chick?"
I sent an e-mail to Bing telling her that I hate her sister. I am ugly too. And oh yes, why do I insist on wearing either sun dresses or shorts and tee shirts when (in case I didn't hear her the first four times) I AM AN OLDER WOMAN NOW.
I never jonesed for a joint so bad in my life when she was here. I also wanted to drink many drinks and smoke cigarettes.
It is over. Finally.
So..who was your worst guest and why? Can they top Felice?