Friday, July 23, 2010

Not dead or anything

Thanks for all of the e-mails asking me if everything is okay.

Yes. Everything is groovy now that Bing's sister has left the premises. She was supposed to visit for four days. She showed up a DAY EARLY. I was laying splayed on the sofa reading a magazine when I heard the doorbell ring. I peeked out my hurricane blinds.

Ugh. What the fuck was SHE doin' here? She wasn't supposed to come until FRIDAY. It was Thursday. It was almost time for me to get my weekly fix of Moonlight. Nothing like a good strong drink of Alex O'Loughlin to get everything all sweet in my world. And then...

FUCK. FUCKITY. FUCKITY. NO!!!! NO FUCKIN' WAY!

Shit. No way to ignore her. She IS Bing's sister. So, I pulled my face into a smile and answered the door. I asked her why she was here a day early.

"The class I was teaching ended early since we had such a poor turnout!" she exclaimed, her voice all squeaky and excited.

I asked her in my sweet sister in-law voice why she didn't call to tell me ahead of time. She smirked at me.

"SURPRISE!" she bellowed.

Yup. Big fucking surprise alrighty.

The five days seemed like ten and I am just now coming down off of them. She was just...yes...I'll just say it: A HORRIBLE GUEST.

She thought the a/c wasn't cool enough.
The bathroom wasn't finished yet? (Ok, I'm with her on this sucker. That bathroom needs to get done yesterday, Bing.)
Why didn't I have the GOOD oatmeal? This is not Quaker. She likes Quaker. This is steel cut Irish oatmeal. It is too gloopy.
Was I aware that the shower head in the shower is off center?
Doesn't it sound like fun to go to the railroad exhibit at the Durham Museaum? (Shit, no.)
Why don't we order a pizza? No, not black olives. No, not hamburger. How about pineapple and canadian bacon? What do you mean that is not real pizza?
Why doesn't your dog like me? (He has really good taste.)
Why don't you and Bing ever return my phone calls? (Sorry. I tell her to answer you. She ignores me.)
Do you think it is smart to just let Liv go gallivanting off with her father? I mean, he only sees her infrequently. Aren't you afraid that he will kidnap her? (Of course not. Now excuse me while I go frantically text my child.)
That bed in the guest room is sure lumpy.
Do you always sleep until noon on the weekends? Isn't that kind of indulgent?
You only have ham for lunch meat. I like roast beef.
Tell your dog to stop staring at me like that, will you?

It was not pleasant. So, I am recuperating. She is gone finally.

For one truly sickening moment it appeared that her flight home would be canceled due to a storm. I never prayed so hard in my life for the sun to come out. It finally took off three hours late.

I went home, took the dog for a long walk and took a nap. Being alone in my house felt like someone just gave me a present.

Felice also commented that I am not as pretty as I used to be. That I am beginning to look my age now. Not that I was ever all that gorgeous or anything but apparently I used to be much better looking.

Oh...and she thinks my glasses are "too young" for me. "You look like you are trying to look hip when really, you are a mature older woman now. Do you really want to look like a rocker chick?"

I sent an e-mail to Bing telling her that I hate her sister. I am ugly too. And oh yes, why do I insist on wearing either sun dresses or shorts and tee shirts when (in case I didn't hear her the first four times) I AM AN OLDER WOMAN NOW.

I never jonesed for a joint so bad in my life when she was here. I also wanted to drink many drinks and smoke cigarettes.

It is over. Finally.

So..who was your worst guest and why? Can they top Felice?

29 comments:

Lilith said...

My very own sister is the guest from hell. She never lifts a finger, never stops talking or asking questions, will talk to anyone and ask them any fucking thing. Did I mention she does nothing? That's not quite true. She will sit at the table as soon as supper is ready and hoover up a meal and then leave.

She's also gained about forty pounds which is not a problem except that she has always gone braless and when she was slimmer it wasn't a problem but with her extra weight the girls have grown and I just don't want to look at my sister's 62 year old titties bouncing and swinging all over hell's half acre.

And she has an old brain injury, yes, I know I'm a bitch. But her brain injury is catching up with her and her eccentricities are sliding over into early dementia.

Oh joy!

iamheatherjo said...

Oh, jeez. That just sounds awful!

Yes. I have a Horrible Houseguest that Felice probably would have gotten along famously with while you and I could have drunk ourselves into oblivion together.

Paul the Prissy Canadian. I've written about him. He is my Horrible Houseguest. Every time he visits. I love Paul, I really do. In SMALL doses. When he's here I'm "going to Hell" and I'm "weird, old and single" (he's weirder, older and also single). Did you know I'm "emotionally unavailable" and that I really shouldn't take THOSE vitamins or do THAT workout (as he's sipping his eighth Capt Morgan & Diet Coke) and did you know that I don't know when he's leaving because apparently he's not on a set schedule right now because he's been unemployed for the past year and a half. NOT because he can't find a job, because he's not looking for one. He'd much rather wallow over being laid off and blowing all of his savings and investments in the meantime.

AAAHHH!

I'm glad you have your house back.

kristi said...

Oh my Gawd. Never have I had a guest stay so long,other than my Mom and we had so much fun.. and to show up early...omg, I would have been pissed!!!!

So why did she visit again??? To bitch the whole time?

Kass said...

This must be the sister from hell week. My sister just left after swooping into town to tell me how to take care of our mother. I've had Mom for a month and a half now and I'm exhausted. I know this is typical for the out-of-town sibling, but helldamnshitfuckblowbitescrew, I hate her.

C said...

every family has a bitch or two... how could you stand it? oh my god... glad she is gone, now you can chillax again while you still have the place to yourself.

my sister denise who lives in bemis park area, can be a real bitch. luckily she doesnt ever have to stay here.

did you ever go see liv for her b-day yet?

teeveezed said...

I'd never have my sister or my sisters-in-law to stay at my house. EVER.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Oh, poor Maria. Send Bing another e-mail and tell her that I hate her sister, too.

My worst guest was Flip's late sister, who was endlessly complaining, demanding, demeaning, and downright bitchy as well as a falling down drunk, plus telling me that anyone could tell I'm Jewish because of my kinky dark hair, beady little dark eyes and big nose. (For the record, I have slightly wavy light brown hair, green eyes and a small, upturned nose. Not that Jews look like that anyway, bigots only THINK they do.)

Upshot, when I finally dropped her at her hotel (our place is blissfully not big enough for an overnight guest) I was so nerved up and migrainous (not a word? Who cares?) that I immediately ran a red light and got broadsided by a large van. And it was my fucking birthday, too.

I'm so very happy that you and Socks have your house and your life back. Really. And Irish oatmeal is the only kind worth eating. McCann's.

Alesa Warcan said...

Hmm... What a bummer of a visit!

My worst house guest was one of my lover's childhood friends. Completely inconsiderate...

The worst was when I came home to find no one in the apartment, the cat missing, and that she had left ground floor window onto the busy street of the big city in which I live open. Amazingly enough I found the cat the cat freaked out huddling behind the tire of parked car in my street and miraculously nothing got stolen.
When confronted with this her explanation was "I must have fallen asleep so I took a nap... And then left without closing the window."

The very next day I came home to find the front door open! At least she was in the apartment and the door opens into the building's hall and not the street. Her explanation "I thought you were home."

Sigh... And for a week after she had left I kept find nail cuttings with with red polish that sure as hell weren't either of ours (or the cat's) in the rug.

Love, Evolution, and Resilience said...

Wow, I can't relate... oh wait, that's 'cause I have horrible tantrums when people do stupid shit in my house and therefore I no longer have any friends or family brave enough to spend a night with me... except for those zaney one nighters that I pick up on friday nights... ooops... did I say that out loud?

Sharon said...

The mother-in-law is hands down our worst house guest. If it's mine, she thinks it's fair game to mess with, take over, criticize, whatever.

Oh, and then there's the casual nudity... I still have trouble with my left eye!

Texas2Tennessee said...

Wow...just wow. Worst house guest was my father. I suggested (after a few days) he join his luggage on the other side of the front door and find a hotel.

trinity2 said...

The last time my sister visited this time:
http://trinity2.wordpress.com/2008/10/07/weekend-recap-and-a-lesson/

Pixie Lyn said...

So glad to see you are ok!

I had guests one time rearrange my furniture and knick-knacks. I had to go to work one day while they were here. I came back and EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE WAS MOVED> they apparently had opinions about my rugs being where and needed to be there and moved the chair to accomidate the lamp they decided needed to be in the other room with THAT rug and couch......I have never physically had steam coming from my ears like a cartoon until the moment I walked in the door. I couldnt speak for an hour.
L I T E R A L L Y speachless.

WHO DOES THAT?

Lisa said...

Oh dear lord! How did you keep from killing her?

To answer your question - we rarely (okay never) have guests anymore. It might have something to do with the fact that I see killing obnoxious guests as a viable option. As long as there's a good chance I can hide the body.

Eric said...

Yikes, what a bitch! I'm not dead either, by the way.

fairydogmother said...

Oh my fucking god, Maria. Your sister in law sounds mind-blowingly rude! I do not deal with house guests especially well in the first place, and if I had been in your position I think I would have left after a day or two of that and gone to a hotel myself.

My own worst house guest story is actually the last time we had house guests. It was actually a good friend of mine who was also one of my best house guests ever. HOWEVER, the last time she stayed with us she was with her on again, off again ex. Let's just say they were on again during a time when they most certainly should not have been. Their time here included a day trip the four of us took together in their rental car, with my honey and I trapped in the back seat while they fought in the front and I got carsick because the more irritated they got with each other the worse my friend's driving got. Then there was the screaming fight they got into in the parking lot of our condo complex in the middle of the night that woke me up, so I know it probably woke up some neighbors as well. Oh, and on their last day here my friend and I went out to lunch just the two of us, and she basically proceeded to tell me everything she thought was wrong with MY relationship and list all the reasons she did not like my honey. Funny how all the things she listed were describing her gf and their relaitonship. This was about 5 years ago, and they had stayed with us a for a long weekend a few months prior and been perfectly lovely. As you can probably imagine we didn't speak to each other for a while after that, and I don't think I've ever actually spoken to her (thankfully!) former girlfriend since that week.

Julie Curtis said...

Worst House Guest ?

Umm ... that would be me.

Best advice ? Dont ever invite me anywhere

I have social awkwardness down to a fine art.

Course, there are benefits ...

Nobody ever wants to come stay at my house (eating my food, sitting in my chair, retuning the radio, commenting on the decor .....)

Okay, I jest

(But just a tiny little bit)

;-)

the only daughter said...

And now I'm back on the glad I don't have a sister (in SIL) wagon thankyouverymuch.

Worst guest is a toss-up between my ex-h's daughter and my mom--who happened to be in residence at the same time. My mom was actually a temporary--temporary being a relative term, border.

That time having the both of them in our teeny-tiny 2-bdrm apartment with the daughter's two young kids and our own two, well, let's just say it wasn't pretty.

Glad you and Socks have your space all to yourselves again.

zirelda said...

Oh ick.

Well there was the time last summer when a friend from college came down for a night and the end result is, we are no longer friends.

I had no idea she wanted red wine instead of what Dan was making her. She could have just said. Instead she went home and then spent a week or more attacking me through emails and then saying that wasn't what she was doing. OMG... it was a nightmare.

Earth Muffin said...

Well, she couldn't top Felice, for sure, but our worst houseguest is my MIL...and my husband would totally agree. She always leaves us hanging as to whether or not she'll actually show up and she comes EARLY so that we have to get all of our cleaning done the night before. She always has to drag at least one friend along with her and when they arrive she has to take them on a tour of our ENTIRE home, so I can leave no stone unturned in my cleaning. She's a smoker, so while she's here she spends most of her time outside smoking cig after cig after cig. She picks at whatever food I put out and often suggests ordering pizza, under the guise of wanting to try out a restaurant we've mentioned, but I truly believe she doesn't trust my cooking. Pizza would be fine with me anyway, but she always comes on Sundays when that particular restaurant is closed. Since she takes the train down here and arrives at the ass-crack of dawn, she always takes a fairly early train back home which means we have to hold birthday parties early to accomodate her...seriously, who starts a child's birthday party at 11:30?! However, by the time her train departs we're ready for her to leave because she has a way of making us feel like idiots..."Did you turn off the oven?"..."You don't always leave a candle burning in the bathroom, do you?"..."Are you sure it's ok for the boys to ride their bikes down the driveway like that? Seems unsafe." And she always brings a bag of random crap for us, usually stuff she doesn't need or want like ugly tablecloths, picture frames and blankets. On the one hand, when she blows off a visit at the last minute we're kind of pissed, but on the other hand we're relieved. Sigh. You don't just marry the person you fall in love with. You marry their whole, damn, crazy family...

KMae said...

Horrible, just horrible. And you were so nice to her. I would have told her she had to leave because I was getting really sick & didnt want her to catch a bug. Poor baby. You are a trouper. xo

sandy shoes said...

Holy crap. No, I have no guests that top Felice. I couldn't do it. I think Bing owes you big time for allowing that pernicious bitch anywhere in your airspace :).

Avril Fleur said...

OMG Maria! Last week my husband adn I went to eastern Canada where my step-daughter was getting married and we were subjected to the opposite problem, by having the worst HOST ever! That would be my dear MIL, now and forevermore to be referred to as the Wicked Witch of the East!

She totally ruined our trip by inviting us to use their trailer and then NOT having it ready for us when we arrived and then lying that she thought we weren't coming until the following day.

Then, she wouldn't even give us dinner when we got into town because "it was too late at night and she was sleeping".

Well, by that time there were no decent restaurants open and when we tried to get a hotel room all that was available were ones that rent by the hour! (Yes, there were prostitutes outside!).

So, we had to drive to a city an hour away to get a decent hotel room for the night.

Then she didn't even bother to show up to her own granddaughter's wedding. She sent my FIL on his own.

That beotch is now on my shit-list and I NEVER intend to go back there for any family function again.

Anonymous said...

My friend from college. . .

Whenever we are together & go to a restaurant, it is always involves extensive questioning, followed by complaining, followed by negative comments- most memorable was when she visited & I treated us to a dinner out at a really good & well-regarded establishment.

She called her 18 year old daughter constantly when they visited last winter (her daughter was out with my son who is 9 mos older). Of course her daughter ignored her & did not pick up the calls. I finally texted my son who texted back that they were fine.

She does not shower as much as I think she should. When she does she leaves water all over the bathroom floor. Now who in the HELL goes to someone else's house & does this??!!??

She constantly chatters & asks for advice when shopping. When I show her something she ALWAYS turns up her nose. (So don't freaking ask me anymore).

She made a comment about our neighborhood. We don't have any restrictive rules that prohibit clotheslines, lawn ornaments, gardens, etc. We also live in an eclectic, individualistic, liberal minded village so some of the houses are a bit "different" than what you would see in typical suburbia. She said most of the houses would never be allowed to look like they do in her 'hood.

Oh, back to the shopping. . . She seems to need to go underwear shopping when we're together. She asks about "smalls" Okay honey, you aren't a small anymore- a medium is a conservative guess IMO.

When her daughter was little she would constantly say "she won't eat that" in front of her at meal time. During one particularly annoying visit she actually purchased Banquet chicken nuggets & would microwave one nugget per lunch and/or dinner. . .

Always brings "gifts" that are passed out upon arrival. I always forget the gifts so I'm both embarrassed & annoyed when they are bestowed (also the gifts are usually pure junk & it is sometimes obvious that they have been on the basement shelf for a long time. . .) I know its the thought that counts, but I can't stand passing JUNK when its just headed for the trash (plus having to act happy & appreciative about it)!!!!

I guess I've probably just about exceeded my word limit. I do need to add that I do consider her a devoted & lifelong friend. I'm sure she considers me a pain in the azz sometimes too!!

Anonymous said...

My friend from college. . .

Whenever we are together & go to a restaurant, it is always involves extensive questioning, followed by complaining, followed by negative comments- most memorable was when she visited & I treated us to a dinner out at a really good & well-regarded establishment.

She called her 18 year old daughter constantly when they visited last winter (her daughter was out with my son who is 9 mos older). Of course her daughter ignored her & did not pick up the calls. I finally texted my son who texted back that they were fine.

She does not shower as much as I think she should. When she does she leaves water all over the bathroom floor. Now who in the HELL goes to someone else's house & does this??!!??

She constantly chatters & asks for advice when shopping. When I show her something she ALWAYS turns up her nose. (So don't freaking ask me anymore).

She made a comment about our neighborhood. We don't have any restrictive rules that prohibit clotheslines, lawn ornaments, gardens, etc. We also live in an eclectic, individualistic, liberal minded village so some of the houses are a bit "different" than what you would see in typical suburbia. She said most of the houses would never be allowed to look like they do in her 'hood.

Oh, back to the shopping. . . She seems to need to go underwear shopping when we're together. She asks about "smalls" Okay honey, you aren't a small anymore- a medium is a conservative guess IMO.

When her daughter was little she would constantly say "she won't eat that" in front of her at meal time. During one particularly annoying visit she actually purchased Banquet chicken nuggets & would microwave one nugget per lunch and/or dinner. . .

Always brings "gifts" that are passed out upon arrival. I always forget the gifts so I'm both embarrassed & annoyed when they are bestowed (also the gifts are usually pure junk & it is sometimes obvious that they have been on the basement shelf for a long time. . .) I know its the thought that counts, but I can't stand passing JUNK when its just headed for the trash (plus having to act happy & appreciative about it)!!!!

I guess I've probably just about exceeded my word limit. I do need to add that I do consider her a devoted & lifelong friend. I'm sure she considers me a pain in the azz sometimes too!!

Jean said...

Nothing that even comes close - just a house guest, innocuous as she was, that STAYED. And STAYED. And STAYED. I would qualify a 'few days' as 3, 4 max. She was with us 10 days/nights, after saying she was leaving the next day - every night. Then didn't. GAHHHHH!. She wasn't high maintenance, just AROUND. All the time.

After reading your Felice tale, I feel bad about wanting this chick gone from my house...sort of.

I'm curious - what would happen if you responded to her ridiculous statements with absolute candor? How would she react? Does Bing enjoy having her around???

John Gray jgsheffield@hotmail.com said...

Eric is alive..left me a bland note on my blog?
noidea of the details of his silence!!!

Rose said...

I have no stories to top this one, Maria, but I'm glad it's over and that you survived.

Miss Healthypants said...

Oh my God, I would have been fighting STRONGLY the urge to kick her right to the curb! What a bee-yatch!!!!!

I don't know how the heck you put up with her, I really don't. But I'm glad you got to taste the deliciousness of being alone in the house after she finally left. :)