Wednesday, May 20, 2009

The thing about sex

Now, I feel like everyone is looking at me. Waiting.

Like I am going to talk about being multi-orgasmic or some such thing.

Well, I'm not.

I'm not much of a sexual being. It used to worry me. Like...why don't I like sex more? Am I doing it wrong?

I had a friend tell me once that she figured that I must really, really love sex if I was bi-sexual. That made me laugh because I am just about the most unsexual person I know.

I mean talk about double your fun... was what I think she said.

She figured that I was getting about twice as much as everyone else.

The thing is....sex has always been a tricky wicket for me. It's just so....personal.

So much is exposed. All that skin. All that bouncing off of each other and swirling sweatily around. The noises you make. The....okay....the dampness of it all.

I am not really into sex.

There. I said it.

When I used to date and a woman or a man would ask me if I wanted to go upstairs and "see my place"....that is PRECISELY what I wanted to do.

See their place. What they had on their walls. The kind of books on their shelves. What kind of cereal they ate. If they had ice cream in their freezer.

I wanted to well.....talk.

I was like this even in college, when I should have been more intent on fucking than conversing. I never was.

Don't get me wrong. I slept around for a period of time. And it wasn't like I was frigid or anything. It just took me a long time to warm up enough to want to do more than kiss chastely goodnight.

Still does.

I rarely, if ever, just want to fuck someone when I see how good looking they are. It doesn't work that way with me. Well, okay...maybe with Johnny Depp, with Robert Pattinson, with John Cusack, Laura Linney, Tina Fey. But, they aren't exactly real people to me. They are more like fantasy figures.

I have honestly never met anyone who I had the hots for licketty split. My mouth has never watered much on that first date. A first date is usually almost painful for me. First, I have to dig into their brain, their personality.

Where do they stand politically?

Are they religious? And if so, just how damn much?

What sort of books and movies do they like?

Do they have any weird obsessions, like they wear latex gloves to movies or say phrases like that is awesome! a lot? Because I am savvy enough to know that even small things that are sort of cute at first meeting are anything but when you have been together for a year.

Like...I knew that Bing's tendency to fold towels a certain way would grate on my nerves someday. It does.

Or that her vegetarianism would get tiresome one day.

It does.

And it matters to me more than it probably should that I be with someone who isn't a sloppy kisser. I don't much like to be drooled on when we are making out.

I'm just going to admit this right up front: I don't enjoy french kissing.

I don't mind a little bit of tongue but any sort of thrusting makes me feel as if I am being force fed. I get a little gaggy when I see couples who suck face like they are eating each other. Or close ups of french kissing in movies.

I do not want to have my toes sucked. Or my fingers for that matter.

Other places are okay. Breasts. Pussy. Suck away!

The whole sex dance is such a personal thing for me that I want to be sure first. I think that is prudent. If I am going to get naked and start undulating and moaning, well...I want to really, really like you first. It is sort of important for me that you be a Democrat. I don't care if you go to church every Sunday as long as I'm not dragged along with you and absolutely no speculating on what you think Jesus would do.

Bing once told me in a moment of frankness that sometimes it drives her crazy that I am so slow to heat up.

"Must you always make me work so hard for it?" she asked me.

It isn't personal. Really. I just...it takes me a while. Once we are sailing through second base, I can pretty much assure you that I am not going to back up or suddenly get coy.

And yes, I am human. (Truthfully, though, most of my lovers at one time or another have accused me of being Vulcan.) I do get...horny.

Just not often.

I can easily go months without sex. Maybe even years, although I have never tried that.

I have had many one night stands, but most of them were when I was much younger and much less discerning. Back then, I wasn't so choosy. If you could make me laugh and knew who Walt Whitman was, I would probably fuck you as long as you didn't get too spitty.

One night when my bff, Harriet and I were having dinner together, she sighed and said, "Does it ever make you crazy that Bing is probably going to be the only person you fuck for the rest of your life?"

I thought about this and finally admitted that no, it didn't bother me one bit. Actually, it was kind of a relief. No more worries about buying sexy lingerie. All I really have to do is pull off my socks and she is ready to roll. I asked her if it bothered her that her husband was going to be her last lover.

She said yes, that it did.

"I mean, I am still fairly young," she commented. "I have a decent body. I think it might be nice to learn a few new tricks, not know that if I wear that dress or show some cleavage, he will want to screw that night and then....well, I know exactly what his moves are and when he does them. I know that he likes it a lot when I play with his nipples and if I don't moan, he gets all worried that I am faking..."

I was plugging my ears by then. I asked her to stop talking about her husband's nipples, please. I was eating, for god sakes.

But, the thing is...for once, Harriet and I weren't of the near same opinion on a topic.

Sex, for me, has never been all that important. I read all those articles about how to keep your marriage spicy, etc. and well...I am sort of bored.

I would find it much more exciting if Bing bought me a book than if she bought us some sex toys or a porno movie to watch together.

I know that her libido is much more active than mine, so I try to keep that in mind. I try to initiate once in a while so that she feels like she is attractive to me. Little does she know, though, that the nights that we sit outside on the back steps sharing a bowl of ice cream and talking are much more stimulating to me than the nights when I am getting ready for bed and she catches my eye and smiles that certain smile that means she would like to make some eggs with me. (Every couple has some idiotic private reference to sex and well, this is ours...)

I'm wondering...am in the minority here? What is it like for you? Has age changed you or are you still pretty much the same as you were in high school about how you feel about intimacy?

What color is your libido? What number is your sex drive? Are you in sync with your spouse/partner/whatever?

If you had to give up sex for the rest of your life, could you?

Does the thought of sex with your partner only for the rest of your life distress you or comfort you? Both?

And if you are single...do you miss married sex?

Let's open the bedroom doors here. Be anonymous if you must, but tell me what the mood is like in your bedroom....

30 comments:

iamheatherjo said...

I love sex, but I no longer care much about intimacy. I don't really need anyone getting that close to me emotionally, that's what I have my wonderful friends for.

Right now I'm not interested in carrying the baggage of caring about what someone wants for breakfast or what their favorite color is. I simply want them to go home when they aren't fun anymore and to please not call me every single day, multiple times a day. I'm growing more detached sexually the older I get. I'm pretty sure it's a direct result of being cheated on and watching people want to cheat on their significant others/spouses WITH me.

I know that among my friends and most other women that have asked me about this, I am definitely in a minority. I'm always up front with partners. Yet there are times the honesty backfires on me when someone isn't as honest or ends up changing their minds after a while because they thought maybe they could change mine.

Eric said...

I do miss married sex for the security of it, meaning that you know what your partner enjoys, doesn't enjoy, you can count on it with some regularity (somewhat) and it's just stress-free fun.
First time sex is always stressful for me due to my having a shy penis; until he is well acquainted with a person, he might act like he's going to play, but when warm up is over and it's time for the game to begin he takes his ball(s) and goes home.
Which tends to make the second time a little stressful...and so on...until I'm totally comfortable with that person and then it's ok.
It's now been two years since my last roll in the sack and sometimes I really miss sex, but I also like not having to worry about scrubbing my bathroom and doing something else with my laundry situation (dirty on the floor, clean on the bed) were I to bring someone home for the night, so I don't really try that hard.

jyankee said...

you know what??? i feel kind of the same...which is probably why there is only Coffee and no other kids! Lol.. I am just not all into that like some people are... I am thankful that hubs doesnt have the kind of drive that Bing does...or I'd be in trouble! But then, having said that...he probably has more than I do..and I am supposed to be at the age where women are in their prime... hmmmm....
But to answer some of your questions...just hubs is fine for the rest of my life...I could possibly go w/o it for the rest of my life...but if hubs were no longer around.

HaS the Turtle said...

nicely put

I am YOUNG
I will admit
and to be honest
if it were between me and my current partner
it wouldn't bother me at all for the rest of my life.
I think we are in sync sexually.
I how ever(and I say this as a straight male) could not go the rest of my life without sex because I have a VERY high libido.

I would like to say that I do not think you are in the minority. I do agree that the magazines with the sex tips are annoying because as a guy ain't hard to make us happy sexually...haha...unless they are of that exception to the rule and they just have specific needs.

Fiona said...

Oooooh Maria - good one....OK I'll dive in :)

What color is your libido? Probably a nice warm orangey glow.What number is your sex drive? Around the 3-4 level, I'm not one of those that HAS to have sex all the time, never been that way.

Are you in sync with your spouse/partner/whatever?
Hmmm he'd probaby prefer a bit more of it. We had a good laugh the other day when he talked about 'giving it up for your man' and my response was.... not a problem just don't wake me at 3am on a work night!!If you had to give up sex for the rest of your life, could you?
Probably, yes. But there would have to be a damn good reason!Does the thought of sex with your partner only for the rest of your life distress you or comfort you? Both?
It comforts me. I've never loved loving anyone quite like the way I love loving this man :) And if you are single...do you miss married sex?Doesn't apply I'm happy to say. Some might want to answer to: "If you are married....do you miss single sex" ;)I have had several periods of drought in my life. To be honest I missed the love and affection, much more than the sex.

ssh said...

I have changed a lot in the past few years, in that I just don't care about sex much any more.

I hate a lot of the things you describe... wet kisses, gaaaah. NO thank you. Also I don't like to be licked.

Mostly, I'm bored. I would prefer not to give up sex for the rest of my life. But could I give up sex with my husband for the rest of my life? Yeah probably. And since that's the only kind there is, it sort of follows.

MmeBenaut said...

Oh gosh Maria ... I'd like to answer these questions but they are simply too personal for me to put all of my answers here.
I am comfortable saying that things definitely change with age; the hormones simply aren't driving me to mate in the same way any more. I rarely think about or plan sex, it just sort of happens these days and more often than not it might be at 2 am rather than 8 am. I'm just as happy in the garden, or stroking my cats.
I can't work out what the hell is happening in my husband's mind these days and sex is an area where I feel I've been deceived, so I'm much more likely to pass than put in much effort although I've never once said "no". Given my pain levels because of my back, which often cause me to freeze up in fear of the pain, this is somewhat of a relief I suppose. It takes some muscle relaxants and some soft talking to get me ready these days.
However, I do have quite a few fond memories of hot "want it now" fun both with my husband and previous husbands/lovers. There was once a time when I thought that every day without sex was a day I'd never make up! Given the 365 days in a year, I suppose I was busy on most of them. LOL
So, how's that?

Jolie said...

Interesting. Thought provoking. Slightly uncomfortable.

My libido is probably fire-engine red... I like sex. A lot. Which, given that my partner has a very advanced reproductive cancer, has been raising a *lot* of issues.

My sex drive (1-10) is probably around an 8. See issues mentioned above.

Same with the in sync question - we aren't, and have never really been, but we work through it. Because we really do love each other. Most days. ;-)

I really don't think I could give up sex for the rest of my life. I came to the party a little late (pun not intended) and the thought of giving it up now just makes my stomach turn.

I don't get distressed at the idea of no one else but the girl for the rest of my life, but I don't know that comfort would be the right word, either.

Interesting questions, Maria. You always make me really think my responses through.

jenny said...

I've only had sex once in four years (and he was one of those blokes who looks and dresses like a gay man, but denies he is at every available opportunity, but all he wants is anal sex, we didnt btw)

Do I miss it? umm yeh, I miss the sex when you're in a relationship, but not the rest of the relationship? It easy and relaxed if you're together but I cant stand the day to day part of being a couple.

People assume I'm a lesbian as I dont actively seek out men, thought about it, cant see a problem with it but havnt met miss right? Doesnt that make me bi? I dont know, I think sex is sex however you happen to get your orgasm! Or people assume I have no sex drive, not true either, I orgasm several times a week, either by battery powered means or in a dream.

I would have more casual sex if I had the chance but I cant tell my teenage daughter not to sleep around and then do it myself!(not that she even has a bf!) I'd also have trouble sneaking someone in past my light sleeper son and dog! Every time I have had the chance to go out for a few drinks with friends and have an empty house to come back to, I havnt brought anyone home and its just so contrived and cougar-ish, its needs to happen naturally for me, even if it is a lust and alcohol fuelled occurence, it cant be a 'got to find someone before the bar closes'event!

Anonymous said...

right now i'm prioritizing. my 7month old baby comes first and we cosleep and I nurse her on demand therefore sex has been out the window for quite some time. my libido is LOW, but don't know if it's hormone related. my partner just told me last night she's feeling "lonely." arg. our baby will only be our baby for so long. i know that partner has needs but i can't help but feel like she is being selfish. . .maybe it's me that's being selfish.
as far as having her for the rest of my life--yeah, i'm good with that. our sex is great, just sparce.

Anna said...

Interesting to me...I used to think that I was frigid. I could take hetero sex or leave it, it just felt like something that was done to me, something that I had to do in order to maintain the relationship I was in. Now that I'm out, I actually feel desire - which is very new to me. There are women out there who are...amazing...and I would never have gone out of my way to think about whether or not a man was attractive. I'm equally attracted to what's inside, what makes people tick. Haven't acted upon it yet, so I have this teeny tiny fear that maybe I am really frigid and I'm just making this whole thing up.

pawsingtospeak said...

since i was married for twenty years before i was true to who i am, i can say that even though i am older, i like sex a lot more now than i did back then. it took me a long while to find my soul mate - but now that i have - i think we are very much in sync. the intimacy is part of who we are, and sex is just one part of that.

could i give up sex for the rest of my life? i wouldn't want to as long as we are both able. if we couldn't - i know she is my other half and would be satisfied just being with her. so i guess i could if i had to.

the thought of being with her forever is very comforting and exciting.

we have our bad moments - but looking forward to making up is fun too.

pawsingtospeak said...

since i was married for twenty years before i was true to who i am, i can say that even though i am older, i like sex a lot more now than i did back then. it took me a long while to find my soul mate - but now that i have - i think we are very much in sync. the intimacy is part of who we are, and sex is just one part of that.

could i give up sex for the rest of my life? i wouldn't want to as long as we are both able. if we couldn't - i know she is my other half and would be satisfied just being with her. so i guess i could if i had to.

the thought of being with her forever is very comforting and exciting.

we have our bad moments - but looking forward to making up is fun too.

Jill said...

I think I used to like sex a lot more than I do now. Although in thinking about it, I'm not sure if it was the sex I liked or the attention it got me. I've been thinking about it a lot lately, because I could go months without having sex, as well. But my husband, well, as you might have guessed, he is of a different mind on the subject. And he thinks I don't want to have sex because I don't find him attractive anymore or because he has hair on his back and not as much hair on his head or something ridiculous like that. I don't know why I don't want to have sex with him, mind you. But I know those are not the reasons. My gyno always asks about my sex life and I tell her "Eh." She says "The more you have sex, the more you'll want to have sex." and I had to resist the urge to say "What if I don't want to have sex?" Because I kind of don't. But anyway... that's probably more than you needed to know, so I will end like this: Your blog? THAT'S AWESOME!!

Lachlan said...

I am a lot like you, but I didn't use to be. Now I am almost totally uninterested in sex... and it makes me sad because I can tell it terribly disappoints Bayou. Hurts her, even.

There are several reasons, I think, for the loss interest. Weight gain on both sides (but hers is greater and I must regretfully admit it bothers me a lot), working all the damn time, and a teensy bit of boredom. There is one other major issue that I wish I could share but perhaps another time.

All of these are known to her and have created quite the wedge.

I love her dearly and have zero desire for anyone else... but I wish I felt like I did when we got together. It would make her feel so much better.

When we are intimate, it is quality... so I know I am far luckier than I deserve to be.

Anonymous said...

Well... shoot... is this straight hair and curly hair?

I mean, just yesterday me and a friend were talking and I said I really like my hair. Once I accepted having straight hair - at about age 19, I was quite happy with the head of straight hair that I have.

But many straights want curly and visa-versa...

So I'm wondering... more than just what sorts of libido do we all have... are we happy with what we have?

I am happy with my high libido when I'm having good sex.

I'm a little miserable with it when there is a shortage of it and MORE importantly, when I reap the consequences of it.

I wish I a little more like you. Seems healthier, ultimately.

Jumping into the compost heap and eating anything can lead to stomach trouble, you know.

Somehow I feel like I have the libido which would be perfect for a great match with another high libido person... but is not a great match for any other sort of life and I'm not having the first sort of life so instead... it's problomatic.

Also wondering:

Libido = appetite?
Libido = easily aroused?
Libido = both?

I have both.

I also have a scavenger hunt to make for the consequence of my libido and I do love her so.

It's her birthday today.

And I hate to tell how long it's been since I've had any since shortly before the arrival of her.

But that's okay... life goes on... I am learning from my situation as you do yours.

And thank goodness, I have great finger dexterity so I don't completely starve to death! And I know what I like... but then again, it's a little like old married sex. A surprise would be nice! ;-)0

ZC

iamheatherjo said...

I know I've told you before, but I really am so happy to have found my way to your blog through Joey.

I truly enjoy your entries and the thought provoking questions you pose. This entry was a fun one for me to wrap my head around for a while and it's been a pleasure reading all of the responses too.

Another blog well done, Maria!

sparsely kate said...

It's not a secret that I haven't had sex in a really really long time. Years and years and years.

I wonder why this is. I've had a few opportunities, just one or two I suppose. I'm not sure what the problem is, if indeed I have one. hmm. Maybe I'll blog about it.

Thank you for being so honest with your writings, I enjoyed reading this and can relate to quite a bit you say.

Shazza said...

Yikes - this is kind of hard for a few reasons. 1. My sister reads this blog and may learn more about me than she cares to. 2. Putting it in writing makes it more "real".

My libido is a cool blue, my sex drive...maybe a 3 or 4. I am NOT in sync with my partner at all.

Sex is not a big thing in my life. Intimacy is. I may be more sexual if I had a partner who is a bit more intimate in other areas, but she is not.

I like to hold hands and cuddle and get flowers and have someone rub my back when I'm achey or come up behind me when I'm doing the dishes just to give me a snuggle or a kiss. I would love to slow dance in my back yard - just because.

Maybe it's a pipe dream or stupid romanticism (sp?) but I just want to "feel" loved before I give up myself to that deep level of nakedness and moaning and groaning and ooooh baby!

I'm also hyper sensitive about my physical looks and so it's very hard for me to feel that vulnerable with anyone. Even the person who has been with me for over 12 years.

I could live without sex, but I could not live without intimacy.

Janet said...

I like sex a lot - and am ready anytime. Usually my libido is more active than the women I am with. I am not inclined to have sex for the sake of having sex though...I want the whole relationship.

Running away with the Spoon said...

What a great post!

I have been in two very long term relationships with women, and I am at the start of a new one with another (with a number of shorter - 3 years to months to one night stands - relationships over the course of my life). I am and have been a lesbian and not interested in sex with men, I am not physically or emotionally attracted to men. I have only recently come to realize that contrary to my long held beliefs of myself as a primarily intellectual expresser, physical expression of intimacy through sex is critical to who I am. Sex is one of the very important ways that I can non-verbally say and hear "I love you, I want to be close to you".

Is it important for me that my lover is a Democrat? Absolutely. But as far left as I am? Not many people are (I believe in non-differential wages...) So she doesn't have to be as left as me,she just can't be a racist or sexist, or be someone who can't respect my atheism. And she has to have voted for Obama. Would I like it if she read poetry and listened to Brazilian jazz and world music? Yup. But I have non-sexual friends who share those interests. And I am well-known for the fact that I never choose my lovers because of their looks, it is something more intangible that always attracts me. I have passed up conventionally hot women (butch calendar models -firefighters, athletes, etc) for women I find unconventionally beautiful and handsome. I mean I love a hot looking butch, but there has to be something else that makes me want to move from drooling to fucking. A kind of strength, and vulnerability and introspectiveness and humor , coupled with a kind of cockiness, a woman who has something to say & can listen, may be the key for me. I also find moments of embarrassment quite appealing for what it reveals about a prospective lover. (My fantasy crushes include: French Finance Minister Legrande, Queen Latifah, Donna Brazile...)

I like to fuck. M has a drive as strong as mine, perhaps mine is stronger (she wonders if she can keep up, at times). I like inventive and creative sex. M has to work at it, I am not one who comes in an instant. I don't like to be bored about anything in my life, and variety in sex is important to me - variety even with the same person. I also love to be teased. M and I engage in something we call "sporting" (sexual provocation - opportunity restraint training) - we tease each other to the point, and then don't have sex, just because, and the restraint it takes not to fuck is pretty intense. Then when we fuck, it is quite glorious. And "fucking" encompasses a huge range of sexual activity for me, that may or may not include penetration or orgasm.

I do wonder what will happen to my libido when I become menopausal (I am peri-menopausal now). I suspect that because for me physical sex is the expression of emotion and intellect, my heart and mind will continue to fuel my body's desire, I'll just have to use more lube.

I encourage women to have as much or as little sex as they desire. I hate the straight-jacket of some norm, that causes people to wonder if who they are and what they want is okay. Of course it is. You can only be who you are.

the only daughter said...

As my marriage was ending..the final 2 years 0 sex. 0 initmacy. 0desire. And then another 8 years before my first (and to date, only) girlfriend.

Somewhere in that decade between desire returned, but was all dressed up with no where to go.

Our physical distant meant that we weren't having sex as much as either of us would have liked, but when we did we seemed to be in sync.

I like kissing. Much. But I like hand holding, shoulder rubbing, and other caresses just as much.

Now that single again, suddenly and unexpectedly--I feel...flattened, like a popped balloon.

Desire is there. But not sex for the sake of sex. That's not at all me. getting to know you, getting to know allll abouuut you That's me.

Golden To Silver Val said...

Maria thank you for giving me the opportunity to find out that I'm not the only one who feels like I do. Your post could have almost been written by me....except I have only been with one man. I love to kiss as long as its not all sloppy but it takes a LOT to get me to the point of wanting more. I used to worry all the time that there was something wrong with me and I was probably the only one IN THE WORLD who felt like I did. Thank you for letting me know that I'm not alone. What do you think, Maria? Is it the way we were raised?...or is it something that we are born with? I guess if you knew the answers, you'd be a very rich woman. And, yes, I can exist just fine, thank you very much, without sex. I do miss the kissing though. In today's society, you can't get involved with a bunch of kissing without it leading to the other unless you want a very pissed off man on your hands. So I refrain. ~ sigh....I'd rather read anyhow.

Zoe said...

I've always thought I was unusual because I have a very high sex drive. It hasn't changed with time, so far. But I'm only 38, so I can't completely rule out what age might do.

BP and I have been together for 16 years. We used to have close to matching libidos, until she started taking anti-depressants. Now we don't. It sometimes drives me crazy. And though I know that it's not that she doesn't love me, it doesn't hurt any less to keep being put off. But I wouldn't want to be with anyone else. And it doesn't bother me to think that she is the only person I'll be with for the rest of my life. It is comforting.

And, no, I could never give up sex. Never!

kristi said...

Thank goodness I was not a virgin when I married. Having experience helped me to be more open and willing to try new things.

When we first married, it was all the time, but we had a baby right away. My hormones play a huge role I am sure. But I like sex and I have sex a few times a week. I could do it once a week and be fine. But I feel it is a major stress reliever.

Sometimes I want more variety so we have tried to spice things up in the last year or so.

I was very happy to find someone to share the rest of my life with and it never bothered me that Hubs would be the only one.

Miss Healthypants said...

I'll say one thing--thought of sex with my hubby only for the rest of your life totally comforts me. I love our relationship and our sex life--even though sex is definitely not the most important thing to either of us. We have a good, easy kind of comfort with each other. It's very good. :)

This blog entry was just so honest--I loved it--thanks for sharing! :)

deb said...

Don't know how I missed this post. I like sex, a lot. Thanks to the miracle of modern pharmaceuticals though, I no longer want to kill myself but nor do I get horny. Unless I have a glass of wine, then I'll sleep with pretty much anybody who touches my skin. And french kissing, my favorite thing in the world.

e said...

..."the dampness of it all"... That is funny!

I think I am more like Bing and T is more like you. I like sex and I definitely don't get enough of it. T likes it a lot less ~ less than me, less than she used to, shorter duration.

But, my youthful, horny, sleeping around days are over. I have to have an emotional connection to be intimate with someone. And, the argy-bargy of daily life can definitely be a buzz killer.

T is kind of funny in that she knows she is an attractive woman and that I find her desirable and sexy. She likes the attention but at the same time doesn't want me to watch her undress for bed. I have been making a point to look away ~ I don't want her to feel uncomfortable, for crying out loud. I don't think we are well matched on the libido level. Some of it is physical ~ I am post menopause and she is peri; also, she has low thyroid and one symptom of that is low libido.

We are still very affectionate with each other, though, and I wouldn't kick her to the curb for lack of sex. I would like more. I would like once a week rather than once a month.

Feels a little funny to be writing this out. A little declaritive. A little clarifying.

Thanks!

mccutcheon said...

I realise that I'll probably stick out as the youngest commenter here :)
It makes me a lot more relaxed, that not everyone seems to have a high-powered sex drive. I think mine is moderate - I don't have to fuck all the time, but I quite regularly like to have an orgasm, so jerking off is just the right thing most of the time.

I kind of discovered my sex drive when I first came out because women were this wondrous revelatory thing to me. And then all that made me discover that I wanted to fuck men too, like never before. So in the end, truly finding out my sexual preferences helped me open up about sex in general.

as to being in sync with my partner: love her and we totally click - just not all that much in bed. Which, judging from the other comments, doesn't seem to be so unusal, so I'm not worried :)

p.s. sorry for being so... ahem... outspoken (word choices).

angelle said...

i'm still fairly young (turning 27 in a day!) so keep that in mind...

i used to think i had a pretty low libido -- i once went 3 yrs without sex, which is a pretty darn long time in your 20s. but then i found someone who i had incredible sex with, and my libido skyrocketed... but just for him. maybe because he kept it interesting, or that our chemistry felt pretty perfect. who knows.

in general though, i agree with you on the intimacy thing. i've been told i'm a "prude" bc my definition of a casual hookup is a nice make out session, with nothing past first base, and DEFINITELY nothing below the belt. i like to know someone really well before i let them venture down there. the one time i had casual sex i felt horrible the next day. i like to know someone and really really like them before doing it. so i totally get you there. i wonder if it'll change as i get older.

also, the pill lowers my libido by a ton. my ex-bf used to ask me if THAT was how they controlled pregnancy.