Now, I feel like everyone is looking at me. Waiting.
Like I am going to talk about being multi-orgasmic or some such thing.
Well, I'm not.
I'm not much of a sexual being. It used to worry me. Like...why don't I like sex more? Am I doing it wrong?
I had a friend tell me once that she figured that I must really, really love sex if I was bi-sexual. That made me laugh because I am just about the most unsexual person I know.
I mean talk about double your fun... was what I think she said.
She figured that I was getting about twice as much as everyone else.
The thing is....sex has always been a tricky wicket for me. It's just so....personal.
So much is exposed. All that skin. All that bouncing off of each other and swirling sweatily around. The noises you make. The....okay....the dampness of it all.
I am not really into sex.
There. I said it.
When I used to date and a woman or a man would ask me if I wanted to go upstairs and "see my place"....that is PRECISELY what I wanted to do.
See their place. What they had on their walls. The kind of books on their shelves. What kind of cereal they ate. If they had ice cream in their freezer.
I wanted to well.....talk.
I was like this even in college, when I should have been more intent on fucking than conversing. I never was.
Don't get me wrong. I slept around for a period of time. And it wasn't like I was frigid or anything. It just took me a long time to warm up enough to want to do more than kiss chastely goodnight.
I rarely, if ever, just want to fuck someone when I see how good looking they are. It doesn't work that way with me. Well, okay...maybe with Johnny Depp, with Robert Pattinson, with John Cusack, Laura Linney, Tina Fey. But, they aren't exactly real people to me. They are more like fantasy figures.
I have honestly never met anyone who I had the hots for licketty split. My mouth has never watered much on that first date. A first date is usually almost painful for me. First, I have to dig into their brain, their personality.
Where do they stand politically?
Are they religious? And if so, just how damn much?
What sort of books and movies do they like?
Do they have any weird obsessions, like they wear latex gloves to movies or say phrases like that is awesome! a lot? Because I am savvy enough to know that even small things that are sort of cute at first meeting are anything but when you have been together for a year.
Like...I knew that Bing's tendency to fold towels a certain way would grate on my nerves someday. It does.
Or that her vegetarianism would get tiresome one day.
And it matters to me more than it probably should that I be with someone who isn't a sloppy kisser. I don't much like to be drooled on when we are making out.
I'm just going to admit this right up front: I don't enjoy french kissing.
I don't mind a little bit of tongue but any sort of thrusting makes me feel as if I am being force fed. I get a little gaggy when I see couples who suck face like they are eating each other. Or close ups of french kissing in movies.
I do not want to have my toes sucked. Or my fingers for that matter.
Other places are okay. Breasts. Pussy. Suck away!
The whole sex dance is such a personal thing for me that I want to be sure first. I think that is prudent. If I am going to get naked and start undulating and moaning, well...I want to really, really like you first. It is sort of important for me that you be a Democrat. I don't care if you go to church every Sunday as long as I'm not dragged along with you and absolutely no speculating on what you think Jesus would do.
Bing once told me in a moment of frankness that sometimes it drives her crazy that I am so slow to heat up.
"Must you always make me work so hard for it?" she asked me.
It isn't personal. Really. I just...it takes me a while. Once we are sailing through second base, I can pretty much assure you that I am not going to back up or suddenly get coy.
And yes, I am human. (Truthfully, though, most of my lovers at one time or another have accused me of being Vulcan.) I do get...horny.
Just not often.
I can easily go months without sex. Maybe even years, although I have never tried that.
I have had many one night stands, but most of them were when I was much younger and much less discerning. Back then, I wasn't so choosy. If you could make me laugh and knew who Walt Whitman was, I would probably fuck you as long as you didn't get too spitty.
One night when my bff, Harriet and I were having dinner together, she sighed and said, "Does it ever make you crazy that Bing is probably going to be the only person you fuck for the rest of your life?"
I thought about this and finally admitted that no, it didn't bother me one bit. Actually, it was kind of a relief. No more worries about buying sexy lingerie. All I really have to do is pull off my socks and she is ready to roll. I asked her if it bothered her that her husband was going to be her last lover.
She said yes, that it did.
"I mean, I am still fairly young," she commented. "I have a decent body. I think it might be nice to learn a few new tricks, not know that if I wear that dress or show some cleavage, he will want to screw that night and then....well, I know exactly what his moves are and when he does them. I know that he likes it a lot when I play with his nipples and if I don't moan, he gets all worried that I am faking..."
I was plugging my ears by then. I asked her to stop talking about her husband's nipples, please. I was eating, for god sakes.
But, the thing is...for once, Harriet and I weren't of the near same opinion on a topic.
Sex, for me, has never been all that important. I read all those articles about how to keep your marriage spicy, etc. and well...I am sort of bored.
I would find it much more exciting if Bing bought me a book than if she bought us some sex toys or a porno movie to watch together.
I know that her libido is much more active than mine, so I try to keep that in mind. I try to initiate once in a while so that she feels like she is attractive to me. Little does she know, though, that the nights that we sit outside on the back steps sharing a bowl of ice cream and talking are much more stimulating to me than the nights when I am getting ready for bed and she catches my eye and smiles that certain smile that means she would like to make some eggs with me. (Every couple has some idiotic private reference to sex and well, this is ours...)
I'm wondering...am in the minority here? What is it like for you? Has age changed you or are you still pretty much the same as you were in high school about how you feel about intimacy?
What color is your libido? What number is your sex drive? Are you in sync with your spouse/partner/whatever?
If you had to give up sex for the rest of your life, could you?
Does the thought of sex with your partner only for the rest of your life distress you or comfort you? Both?
And if you are single...do you miss married sex?
Let's open the bedroom doors here. Be anonymous if you must, but tell me what the mood is like in your bedroom....