I sometimes feel like my life is this ride that I am on at a fair. I mean, it can be fun, it can be exciting, and when we are up in the sky...wow..the view is spectacular. But, I feel a bit nauseated from all this spinning now and I would like to get off, please.
So, hey, how about stopping this thing and letting me off?
What? No deal, Lucille? This is my life and I have to be sitting in that seat? Just strap myself in if it gets bumpy?
Do you ever feel like Roseanne Rosannadanna? Like, JESUS EATING A CHERRY POPSICLE...it is always something?
I chipped another tooth last night. I was sitting watching SNL quietly, minding my own business. I was eating my goat milk yogurt (I have found that this keeps my blood sugar from plunging in the middle of the night) peacefully. I noticed a hangnail on my thumb and began gnawing on it.
I then realized that there was a small hard chip in my mouth that was not a hang nail and that my front tooth felt sort of off.
I had chipped a very small corner off the side of my front tooth. It is barely noticeable, but I can feel it and now I am going to have to call my dentist for the second time in less than a week. Because a few days ago, I was eating a peanut butter cracker and I broke a piece off of my back tooth. Dr. Stantonopolous fixed me right up but...JAYSUS how can anyone chip a tooth twice in one week?
Well, apparently I can. Bing helpfully pointed out to me that in the three page notice that comes with my medication, there is a whole page of possible side effects and that "loss of tooth enamel strength" is one of them.
I snapped at her that I already had the hair loss, the peeling finger nails, the nausea, the migraine headaches and no immune system to speak of, wouldn't you think I could skip the loss of tooth enamel strength deal?
Nope. That little perk just comes with the package at no extra charge to you!
So, maybe I should just content myself with a life of eating oatmeal, yogurt, mashed potatoes and applesauce like some toothless old woman?
I warned her that if she was going to go into her song and dance about how lucky I am, in general, she could just go put her head in the toilet. She shut her mouth and bent down to kiss me goodnight.
"I'm going to bed because you are obviously headed towards a hysterical rant and I am just not up to it tonight, dear."
I stiffened as she quickly kissed my forehead and headed upstairs to bed.
I gave my middle finger up to her back as she headed up and thought to myself...
Because I am just dainty that way.
Actually, the whole day had been kind of disappointing for both of us.
Apparently it was our anniversary and I forgot it.
Now, gay people don't get regular anniversaries, so most of us say our anniversary is on the first day we did the naked dance together or kissed or pledged our love, whatever.
Bing maintains that our very first kiss was shared on January 31 as we sat in the parking lot of a grocery store, getting ready to go in and buy candy bars for a James Bond movie that we were headed to.
I have little recall of this.
I mean, I sort of remember it. Sort of not. And while I kind of remember the act, I certainly would never have been able to pinpoint the date.
I recall a really good kiss on the deck of my house on a hot summer's night in August while Ventura Highway was playing.
Bing says that no, that was our second kiss. And that it was many years after our first one. That our first one will be branded on her heart forever, while, of course, in typical Maria fashion, I can barely remember it.
Whatever. I never said I was one of those women. You know the kind. The women who remember the first I love you, the first time you laughed at a puppy together, the first time you threw snowballs at each other, the first time that you held hands.
That kind of shit eludes me. Sorry.
So, anyway...Bing wanted to celebrate January 31st as our anniversary. I was okay with that and even managed to get Liv to spend the night at her best friend's house so that we could have a real date.
We decided to go to a swanky restaurant and then to a movie.
I made the reservations and got all gussied up. And then, as we sat in the booth at the restaurant, we started fighting.
First of all, I ordered an apple martini and Bing actually vetoed the drink to the waiter as if I were an underage high school student.
"You are on PAIN MEDICATION," she told me, her mouth all pursed up in this prissy way.
Our waiter looked nervously at me. I smiled at him and said, "Ooops! I guess I'll have an iced tea instead!"
When he was gone, I narrowed my eyes at her.
"Don't you EVER do that again," I told her.
Bing was incredulous. "Do you WANT to die?" she asked.
No, I did not want to die. I just wanted one fucking drink.
Our meal came and we set to eating. Bing had ordered the salmon. I had ordered prime rib.
Bing is a near vegetarian and it truly makes her sick to have to look at rare beef. I happen to love rare beef and felt that it was my anniversary and I should be able to eat what I liked.
She took one look at my plate and averted her eyes for the rest of the meal. That got my dander up and so...okay...I cooed over that prime rib, proclaimed it to be the juiciest...the most succulent dinner I had eaten in ages.
Her cell phone rang. She knows how I feel about talking on the phone at dinner. She peeked at the caller id and then said, "I'm sorry...I have to take this."
It was someone calling about a gig. I didn't think that was important enough to warrant interrupting our dinner. She did. Or as she said, "The economy is bad. We can use every extra dime we can earn, Maria."
Like she couldn't let it go to voice mail and call them back later?
We had argued about the movie we were going to see.
I wanted to see this. She wanted to see this.
Guess where we ended up? Bingo. Gran Torino. I gave in because I knew that she would drive me crazy with her wiggling about in my choice of a movie and sighing. And I don't mind Clint Eastwood.
It was a fair movie. A little simplistic, I thought. Bing, on the other hand, thought it was magnificent.
When we got home, it was pretty early. So...we um...laid down for awhile. Enough said.
I don't know what my problem was, I just couldn't concentrate. I kept getting cold and her breath smelled like garlic, which didn't help. It was not one of our better times. It happens.
And then, we settled down to watch SNL, me with my goat milk yogurt, Bing, typically, with a piece of toast with hummus and broccoli sprouts on it. Ick.
And yeah...then my tooth chipped.
So...it isn't the end of the world. I'll call the dentist tomorrow. Get things fixed up.
Snow isn't in the forecast for the first week in I don't know how long. No ice either. It isn't even supposed to get that cold this week. Temps only in the 20's...but when the usual highs have been 8 degrees or less, well...27 degrees is nothing to sneeze at.
Liv is home from her friend's house and we will go to her basketball game this afternoon and then go shopping for one of those converter boxes for our television in the guest room that doesn't have cable.
Spaghetti is on the menu for dinner tonight. Spaghetti is soft. My teeth should be able to take that.
And then...yeah...the Super Bowl. Bing is a Steeler fan. Liv likes Arizona. Me? I'm holding out until I check out their "oufits." Bing finds this sort of hilarious that I will cheer for the team that looks the best in their uniforms. (I still insist on calling them outfits.) The only football I am really that into is Cornhusker or Huskie college football. The rest is okay...but I'm not riveted or anything.
The ride keeps going and I guess I'll just stay on until I get to the top again and realize how spectacular the view is again. But, for right now...I just wish everyone would stop moving and making everything rock back and forth too much.
I need to be sedated, I think.
Or maybe...I dunno...I just need a fucking apple martini.