Is this person crazy about you?

Apparently not. I recently read an article which professed to reveal whether you were with the right person. So, I decided to put Bing to the test.

Is this person crazy about you?

1) Shows eagerness to see you.

Well, not nearly as much as I would like. Actually, the dog may be better suited to the likes of me. He nearly goes into convulsions when I have been gone for even an hour and come home. He dances, he barks joyfully and leaps into the air, totally intoxicated with my presence.

Bing? Not so much. Tonight when I got home from work, she sort of waved at me from the recliner. She also didn't pretty herself up much. She has a cold, so had two tissues stuck up into her nostrils. Sexy, I tell you. A sex kitten.

2) Reveals reluctance to leave your presence.

Once again, the dog wins. He hates to say goodbye to me, will often try to weasel his way between my legs to get out the door with me and when the door shuts behind me, I can hear him making sad little yelps.

Bing? She is just fine leaving my presence on most days. In fact, on my bitchier days, that door would be like...slapping her right on the ass..she runs out so quickly.

3) Asks about your life interests.

She has known me for 32 years. She knows all about my life interests and then some. She also knows all my family stories and every cute thing I ever said when I was a child. So, no. She no longer asks. But if someone else were to ask, she could fill them in since she knows me better than anyone else.

4) Wants to be helpful.

Well, I don't know about that. I think she could be much more helpful around the house. And I have told her so. Many times. As she was fleeing out the door to escape.

5) Is verbally and physically affectionate.

Not so much. Neither one of us tend to wax poetically at the other or walk around with our hands in each other's pants. I did once flash her my boob at a grocery store when no one was looking. She nearly dropped her bag of apples. That is about as good as it gets.

6) Desires to be romantic with you.

Actually, Bing desires to have sex with me much, much more. But, she does bring me home a cadbury egg now and then. How's that for romantic?

7) Acts like you are very special; rejects opportunities to date others.

Well, yes, she does act like I am special...but once again, the dog beats her at this one too. However, I can assure you that she has no intention of dating anyone else. One night, as we lay in each other's arms on our sofa, she farted and then sighed and said, "It is so nice that I can do that and not feel embarrassed."

In my opinion, I wish that she could be a little embarrassed.

Is this person willing to grow with you?

1) Accepts suggestions/advice well.

Oh good hell. Now that would be interesting. I have suggested many, many times that she finish re-doing the bathroom already. She hasn't accepted that suggestion.

2) Engage in self reflection?

She doesn't do that much, at least not in front of me. She is one of those people who rolls her eyes at anyone who does much self reflection.

3) Willing to learn new things with you?

That depends on the new thing. If it would be learning a new computer game or how to fix a car, she would be interested. If we are talking knitting, forget it.

4) Takes courses for personal or career growth

She does this all of the time, is always taking some class for career growth. This is mainly because she is a teacher and doesn't make squat, so she is always looking for ways to bring home some more bacon.

5) Mediates/prays or is comfortable with one's own spirituality.

I think so. She is agnostic and cool with it. She doesn't talk about meditating with me, but I think that she does something in that vein when she runs every morning. She says that she uses that time to "sort shit out." So, she doesn't really meditate or pray. She sorts shit out.

Does your date meet the basics?

1) Exhibits reliability and honesty.

I suppose so. She isn't always truthful about cereal though. This is a constant annoyance with me. I buy Froot Loops. Suddenly, the box will be nearly empty and I have not eaten any. When I ask her if she ate it, she will say, "I had a very small handful, maybe once or twice."

Liar, liar, pants on fire, missy.

She is reliable. I can count on her to always be fifteen minutes late, like clockwork.

2) Wants a real, committed relationship.

I suppose so...although sometimes I wonder if she thinks that maybe wanting to be with me, and getting to be with me are two very different things. I worry sometimes that she must look at me and think, "What the hell was I thinking?"

3) Agrees with your choice to have or not have children.

To be honest, she thought I was INSANE when I told her that I wanted to have a child. I think her exact words were, "Why not just get a pet?"

But, to her credit, she seems fine with Liv now. More than fine.

4) Understands your religious faith or your absence of a specific faith.

This is probably the one area of our life together where we fit like a glove.

5) Shows love and support of family and friends.

Well, she agrees to eat dinner at my sister's house from time to time. In my opinion, that is a true measure of her love for me. She doesn't really get my friends, though. She refers to them as the debs. This is short for debutantes. Yeah, she thinks they are sort of um...fluffy. I call her friends "the beer babes." So, we don't really mingle much with each other's friends. But, we do okay.

6) Lives close to you.

Fuck, she sleeps right next to me. How much closer can she get to me?

So, I guess that my dog is better suited to be my date than Bing. But, I think I will stick with Bing. She lets me put my cold feet on hers. I seriously doubt if Socks would put up with that shit.