I think I mentioned that Liv is snack manager at her school this week. Each child is responsible for one week of snacks for the class about four times a year.
No big deal, right? Well...think again. First off, Liv's school is green and they are also very intent on nutrition. This is fine with me. I mean, I am not the most nutrition conscious person on the planet, but I am lucky in that I have a child who actually prefers to eat fruit rather than cookies. How I lucked into this is beyond me.
The problem is: coming up with new ideas when it is your snack week and well, that bar is set pretty damn high. It has become almost a competition to see who can find that cutest, most edible, clever nutritious treat.
This is fairly easy for Diva Mom. You have met her. She is a stay at home mom and her husband makes like two billion bucks a year. She has a maid named Consuelo who brings her child to school because I am sure that it is just too early for Diva to get up. Her child's lunches are from a gourmet restaurant in a take out bag with the restaurant logo on it. Inside the bag are things like gazpacho soup, baby lemon tarts and crustless avocado sandwiches with sprouts. Snack week is a breeze for Diva Mom. She just buys a ton of costly gourmet, healthy treats from Whole Foods and has Consuelo lug them in.
Next up is Earth Mama. I have mixed feelings about her. Sometimes, I really, really like her. Other times, not so much. Earth Mama makes everything from scratch. And she has good snacks. Things that you would not think kids would eat? Well, they eat it if Earth Mama makes it. She makes spinach balls. Sounds gross? No way. I have seen them. And they are very good, have a kind of crunchy taste that is croutony enough to make it kid friendly. She makes homemade pretzels and dips them in carob. Her whole grain carrot muffins are so sweet and light that you actually feel good after you have eaten them. It would be easy for me to be jealous of Earth Mama except for one thing: she is so fucking nice. She gives neck rubs. She and her husband run an in home massage company and they both must practice on each other because they are the most zen couple you will ever meet. When she heard that we got a new puppy, she presented me with a carton of little bags decorated with puppies for picking up his shit. I mean, she lives the green existence and is so peaceful and kind that disliking her would just be mean.
Then, there is Career Mom. She isn't a working mother, she is a career track mother and leaves the rest of us in the dust. She is rarely seen because, well, she lives at her job. She generally has a nanny, a buxom Swedish girl who looks so wholesome and clean that you could eat off of her. Career Mom brings the same stuff every time, which is fine with me because it helps keep the bar low. She sends nutrigrain bars every single day of her kid's snack week, different flavors on each day. On the rare times that she is seen, she is always dressed so impeccably that you just have to stare. I mean, there I am standing around talking to my bff, Harriet and we both are wearing pajama bottoms and a sweatshirt and there comes Career Mom whizzing by in her Chanel ensemble. Her breath is so minty fresh that it proceeds her into the room.
I would do a bit about Dads who do snacks, except I don't know of any. Smart guys. Just look real busy and make Mom deal with that shit....
Last, but not least, is me. Well meaning slacker Mom. I try. I really do. But, Liv's turn is always after Candace and Giovanni, who are the children of Earth Mama. That bar is so fucking high that Wolfgang Puck would be hard put to come up with anything suitable. How do I follow radishes cut into flowers? Or..Earth Mama's latest idea: a little carrot stick man with pretzel arms with pineapple chunks on the end and red pepper legs stuck into olive shoes? His head is a grape with eyes, nose and mouth made of split sunflower seeds. There were even tiny recyclable paper cups with homemade ranch dressing for dipping your little man's parts in.
And I'm supposed to have Liv bring what? Grapes?
Liv knows me and swears that the clementines, all natural graham crackers and celery with cream cheese and raisins we have brought so far is just fine. But, I know she wishes that I were either a little more creative (Earth Mama) or a little more inclined to buy the good stuff (Diva Mom.)
Well, another thing for her to share with her therapist in 20 years.
My mother tried, really she did. I KNOW she did. But...well, my school snacks were less then acceptable, to be honest. If she had really loved me, maybe she could have tried a little harder? I mean, I am only HER CHILD.
This all brings out the Rebel Bitch Mama in me. It makes me want to bring these instead. Or maybe, I will just throw a few bags of pork rinds on the snack table and yell, "Dive in, kiddos!"
No, instead I bought granola bars. Earth Mama makes her own granola bars. Diva Mom forces Consuelo to bake up a batch of them, courtesy of a hand written recipe card from the baker at Whole Foods.
Liv peeked in the grocery bag on the way home and gave me an encouraging smile. "These look really good, Mama!" she said, smiling.
Deep inside, she was probably already planning on what she would tell her therapist in the future.
Slacker mom. That's me. Own it. Embrace it. I fucking refuse to make little men out of carrot sticks or cut my fingers to bits making roses out of radishes.
Just be thankful I didn't buy Slim Jims, missy.
Because, boy howdy, I came close.....
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Monday, January 28, 2008
"Excuse me? I just peed my pants."
Well, I'm asking for it now, am I not? But, a title either fits or it doesn't and this one does.
Today was one of those crazy days where too much was on the plate and there was just not enough time to pee.
Liv is snack manager this week at school. This means that for one week she (we) is responsible for bringing a snack for her entire class. 16 kids. Not a biggie, really. But not a smallee either because I can't just go out and buy muffins. No. Liv's school is not only very green, they are very nutrition conscious. So, the treat must be nutritious. I bought clementines for today but figured that I would figure it all out one day at a time.
As I was making Liv's lunch, I discovered that we were nearly out of baggies. So, I made a mental note to add that to my morning chore list along with
1) picking up dry cleaning
2) buying a new ink jet refill for the printer
3) wandering the grocery store for the other four days of treats (granola bars? grapes? something that wouldn't bankrupt me?)
4) walking the dog
5) making it to my 9:00 appointment with my pain management team (yes, I am so far gone that I actually have a team)
6) cleaning the bathroom, which was filthy
I took Liv to school and bowed out of my Monday morning coffee group (the bad mothers plus one bad dad, Jack.) This killed me as I totally love this weekly get-to-gether and find that it keeps me sane in more ways than one.
I didn't have time for breakfast, but took a can of Atkins with me in the car while I drove Liv to school. I was feeling guilty because I let her eat two doughnuts for breakfast while I cleaned the bathroom instead of making her a nice hot bowl of cream of wheat or oatmeal or something. Bad mother! Bad mother!
This would explain why she was acting like she had just taken a fistful of uppers in the car. She fiddled with the radio stations, incessantly (I thought) talked ALL the way there.
I sent a brief, heartfelt thought of apology to her teacher. I'm so sorry that I am sending you a child who is behaving like she is on crack. No, she just ate two krispy kremes for breakfast because I couldn't stand my fucking bathroom for one more minute and had to clean it rather than spend thoughtful bonding time with my daughter, eating oatmeal together and reading to her from The Little House books....
I dropped Liv off, checked my watch and figured that I could just make it to the dry cleaners on my way to my doctor's appointment.
I kept gulping down the Atkins shake as I drove.
I noticed that I really had to pee while I was handing my dry cleaning stub to the attendant, but I just had like...no time, so I ignored it.
Squeezed my legs together a bit. Soon I was back in the car and that helped. Sitting is easier when you have to pee.
I got to the medical building and checked my watch as I ran in. It was 9:07. I was already late. I took the elevator up, trying to be patient as an elderly lady with a walker limped in with her husband, who was even slower than she was. He fretted all the way up to the third floor, apparently she had forgotten to make sure that he brought his gloves and his hands were cold. He kept showing them to her over and over.
"Would you look at these hands, Myrtle? I asked you and asked to please remind me to put on my gloves, but do you ever listen?" he berated her in this haughty, scolding voice.
I made a mental note to just shoot Bing in the head if she ever acted like that with me when we are doddering old biddies. Well, when we are older doddering old biddies.
Myrtle and My-shit-doesn't-stink got off the elevator at my stop and I ended up stuck behind them until they finally turned off into a kidney specialist's office.
I rushed into my doctor's outer office and knew that I had exactly two minutes to pee before it was coming whether I was sitting on the toilet or not. I signed in and made a bee line for the restroom. I got in and
the zipper of my pants got stuck.
I desperately crossed my legs and did a fast jig while I tried in vain to unstick the zipper. No luck, it was jammed but good.
And then, oh-please-no-nooo...NO!
Yes.
I peed my pants. I tried to stop the stream after an initial squirt but my bladder stubbornly refused to close the doors.
I finally got the zipper down. But by that time, I had peed myself but good.
I gingerly stepped out of my jeans and underpants. Checked my socks. Dry.
I wondered what my next move should be. I pulled out my cell phone and dialed the doctor's office. Nancy, whom I had just seen at the front desk, answered.
Nancy: Hello, this is Dr. Zhivago's office. How may I help you?
Maria: Um, Nancy? This is Maria.
Nancy: Um...I thought you went to the bathroom, honey. Where are you? The doctor is ready to see you.
Maria: Well.....um, Nancy, I am um..in the bathroom, but I sort of...um...have this problem.
Silence.
Maria: Nancy?
Nancy: Uh..yes. How can I help you, Maria?
Maria: I had a little accident in here. I, well...yes, I...well, I peed my pants, you see.
Another silence. This time there is a stifled noise. Was she laughing, snorting, what?
Nancy (slowly): I see. Well, um, let's see how we can fix this.
She was only silent for maybe ten seconds but it felt like ten minutes.
Nancy: Okay. How about if I bring you some scrubs? Would that be acceptable?
Maria (quietly and with complete and total humiliation): Yes. Thanks.
A few moments later there was a knock at the door. I opened it just enough to make sure that it was Nancy. It was. She had blue scrubs in her hands. I took the pants. Thanked her, not meeting her eyes. She also handed me a paper bag for my "other belongings."
I took everything gratefully and put on the scrub pants which were WAY too long and had to be rolled up. I tied the string carefully at the top of the pants, but made VERY sure that it wasn't in a knot that could not be untied easily.
I slid back into the waiting room where Mindy, the nurse came and called my name almost immediately. She stared at my scrubs but didn't comment. She weighed me. Unfortunately, I had not peed out five pounds that were not there the last time I was here.
We went back to a cubicle and she did the whole dance of taking my blood pressure, asking me what "number" my pain was today and if any of my meds had changed.
Dr. Zhivago came in soon after. Smirking. He and I are pretty comfortable with each other, so the first sentences out of my mouth were: Don't say a fucking word. Please. This is embarrassing enough, okay?
He nodded, held back a chuckle. We talked about my pain, how the pain patches were working, if I was doing my exercises, etc. And then he looked at me kindly and said, "Okay, I do have to ask this. Are you having....incontinence problems?"
No, I told him. I am just lazy. I knew that I had to pee and waited too long and then my zipper got stuck.
His face reddened. He was trying very hard not to laugh.
Dr. Z: Your..zipper got stuck?
Maria: YES. My ZIPPER got stuck. Don't you DARE laugh!
Well, that was it. We both started laughing. Because, yes, I had to acknowledge that this was pretty funny. And then he patted me on my shoulder and told me to consider the scrubs a "gift" and shaking his head, he left.
I went home, showered and finished my errands. The scrubs are in the laundry basket. Maybe I'll keep them. They really are pretty comfy cozy.
Boy howdy, do I have a story to tell Bing tonight.....
It was my Lucy Ricardo moment of the day.
Today was one of those crazy days where too much was on the plate and there was just not enough time to pee.
Liv is snack manager this week at school. This means that for one week she (we) is responsible for bringing a snack for her entire class. 16 kids. Not a biggie, really. But not a smallee either because I can't just go out and buy muffins. No. Liv's school is not only very green, they are very nutrition conscious. So, the treat must be nutritious. I bought clementines for today but figured that I would figure it all out one day at a time.
As I was making Liv's lunch, I discovered that we were nearly out of baggies. So, I made a mental note to add that to my morning chore list along with
1) picking up dry cleaning
2) buying a new ink jet refill for the printer
3) wandering the grocery store for the other four days of treats (granola bars? grapes? something that wouldn't bankrupt me?)
4) walking the dog
5) making it to my 9:00 appointment with my pain management team (yes, I am so far gone that I actually have a team)
6) cleaning the bathroom, which was filthy
I took Liv to school and bowed out of my Monday morning coffee group (the bad mothers plus one bad dad, Jack.) This killed me as I totally love this weekly get-to-gether and find that it keeps me sane in more ways than one.
I didn't have time for breakfast, but took a can of Atkins with me in the car while I drove Liv to school. I was feeling guilty because I let her eat two doughnuts for breakfast while I cleaned the bathroom instead of making her a nice hot bowl of cream of wheat or oatmeal or something. Bad mother! Bad mother!
This would explain why she was acting like she had just taken a fistful of uppers in the car. She fiddled with the radio stations, incessantly (I thought) talked ALL the way there.
I sent a brief, heartfelt thought of apology to her teacher. I'm so sorry that I am sending you a child who is behaving like she is on crack. No, she just ate two krispy kremes for breakfast because I couldn't stand my fucking bathroom for one more minute and had to clean it rather than spend thoughtful bonding time with my daughter, eating oatmeal together and reading to her from The Little House books....
I dropped Liv off, checked my watch and figured that I could just make it to the dry cleaners on my way to my doctor's appointment.
I kept gulping down the Atkins shake as I drove.
I noticed that I really had to pee while I was handing my dry cleaning stub to the attendant, but I just had like...no time, so I ignored it.
Squeezed my legs together a bit. Soon I was back in the car and that helped. Sitting is easier when you have to pee.
I got to the medical building and checked my watch as I ran in. It was 9:07. I was already late. I took the elevator up, trying to be patient as an elderly lady with a walker limped in with her husband, who was even slower than she was. He fretted all the way up to the third floor, apparently she had forgotten to make sure that he brought his gloves and his hands were cold. He kept showing them to her over and over.
"Would you look at these hands, Myrtle? I asked you and asked to please remind me to put on my gloves, but do you ever listen?" he berated her in this haughty, scolding voice.
I made a mental note to just shoot Bing in the head if she ever acted like that with me when we are doddering old biddies. Well, when we are older doddering old biddies.
Myrtle and My-shit-doesn't-stink got off the elevator at my stop and I ended up stuck behind them until they finally turned off into a kidney specialist's office.
I rushed into my doctor's outer office and knew that I had exactly two minutes to pee before it was coming whether I was sitting on the toilet or not. I signed in and made a bee line for the restroom. I got in and
the zipper of my pants got stuck.
I desperately crossed my legs and did a fast jig while I tried in vain to unstick the zipper. No luck, it was jammed but good.
And then, oh-please-no-nooo...NO!
Yes.
I peed my pants. I tried to stop the stream after an initial squirt but my bladder stubbornly refused to close the doors.
I finally got the zipper down. But by that time, I had peed myself but good.
I gingerly stepped out of my jeans and underpants. Checked my socks. Dry.
I wondered what my next move should be. I pulled out my cell phone and dialed the doctor's office. Nancy, whom I had just seen at the front desk, answered.
Nancy: Hello, this is Dr. Zhivago's office. How may I help you?
Maria: Um, Nancy? This is Maria.
Nancy: Um...I thought you went to the bathroom, honey. Where are you? The doctor is ready to see you.
Maria: Well.....um, Nancy, I am um..in the bathroom, but I sort of...um...have this problem.
Silence.
Maria: Nancy?
Nancy: Uh..yes. How can I help you, Maria?
Maria: I had a little accident in here. I, well...yes, I...well, I peed my pants, you see.
Another silence. This time there is a stifled noise. Was she laughing, snorting, what?
Nancy (slowly): I see. Well, um, let's see how we can fix this.
She was only silent for maybe ten seconds but it felt like ten minutes.
Nancy: Okay. How about if I bring you some scrubs? Would that be acceptable?
Maria (quietly and with complete and total humiliation): Yes. Thanks.
A few moments later there was a knock at the door. I opened it just enough to make sure that it was Nancy. It was. She had blue scrubs in her hands. I took the pants. Thanked her, not meeting her eyes. She also handed me a paper bag for my "other belongings."
I took everything gratefully and put on the scrub pants which were WAY too long and had to be rolled up. I tied the string carefully at the top of the pants, but made VERY sure that it wasn't in a knot that could not be untied easily.
I slid back into the waiting room where Mindy, the nurse came and called my name almost immediately. She stared at my scrubs but didn't comment. She weighed me. Unfortunately, I had not peed out five pounds that were not there the last time I was here.
We went back to a cubicle and she did the whole dance of taking my blood pressure, asking me what "number" my pain was today and if any of my meds had changed.
Dr. Zhivago came in soon after. Smirking. He and I are pretty comfortable with each other, so the first sentences out of my mouth were: Don't say a fucking word. Please. This is embarrassing enough, okay?
He nodded, held back a chuckle. We talked about my pain, how the pain patches were working, if I was doing my exercises, etc. And then he looked at me kindly and said, "Okay, I do have to ask this. Are you having....incontinence problems?"
No, I told him. I am just lazy. I knew that I had to pee and waited too long and then my zipper got stuck.
His face reddened. He was trying very hard not to laugh.
Dr. Z: Your..zipper got stuck?
Maria: YES. My ZIPPER got stuck. Don't you DARE laugh!
Well, that was it. We both started laughing. Because, yes, I had to acknowledge that this was pretty funny. And then he patted me on my shoulder and told me to consider the scrubs a "gift" and shaking his head, he left.
I went home, showered and finished my errands. The scrubs are in the laundry basket. Maybe I'll keep them. They really are pretty comfy cozy.
Boy howdy, do I have a story to tell Bing tonight.....
It was my Lucy Ricardo moment of the day.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
The next Meme on my list.....
Shut the fuck up. MEME's help us to better be horrified at know our fellow bloggers. It is educational to find out what sort of twisted interesting places they have come from.
So...another one from my fellow Diana death laugher, Dive.
2007
1) Where did you begin 2007?
Asleep in my bed. Bing and I were in bed by 11:15. We tried to be party girls, we really did, but we are old and frankly, didn't much give a shit that the year was turning.
2) What was your status on Valentine's Day?
Taken. And the recipient of a box of sugar free chocolates. Splenda spells romance.
3) Were you in school anytime this year?
Yes, quite often as I teach part time at a local college. I also took a sign language class with my daughter. And...yes...a puppy training class, which we passed by the seat of our pants/fur. We were the "bad example" so, so many times.
4) How do you earn your money?
Well, besides pole dancing, I am also a jury consultant and work privately for several clients who like to have their prospective hires analyzed to make sure that they aren't secret wannabe unabombers or serial killers unsuitable.
5) Did you have to go to the hospital?
Yes. I awakened in the middle of the night to find that my stomach hurt so badly that I could not walk. Bing called my sister to come sit with Liv and we trundled off to the ER to find out that I had ulcerative colitis. Sexy is my middle name....
6) Did you have any encounters with the police?
No. I did have an encounter with a very cranky, very vigilant security guard at an airport who told me to move my car because I had been sitting for more than the allotted five minutes. I told him that I had just spoken to my partner and she was on her way out THAT SECOND and couldn't he please cut me some slack? He called me "an upstart woman with a bad attitude" and made me move. Bing walked out as I drove right by her to circle the airport once again and she thought I was playing a sick joke on her because I was mad that her flight was late. It made for an interesting conversation on the way home....
7) Where did you go on vacation?
We went to Chicago to visit our friends, Vince and Thuan. We went to Oregon to visit a fellow blogger and had a great time. I also went rafting while I was there and yanked my back out again. That was fun....We went to small town Iowa to visit my childhood home and visit my sisters who still live there.
8) What did you purchase that was over 1000$?
Liv's education. So...1000 X 10.
9) Did you know anybody who got married?
Yes. Bing's nephew. He looks like Ichabod Crane and he married a very plump girl who made the unfortunate decision to wear a sleeveless gown. This made her look as if she had been stuffed into a white cylinder. It also prompted Bing and I to make several snide private references to each other about Jack Sprat and his wife.
10) Did you know anyone who passed away?
Yes. Moving on.....
11) Did you move anywhere?
No. But, we did have a difficult decision to make when Bing was offered a job in California. She decided to take it and just before she was ready to sign the contract and move us all to the land of sunshine and no snow, the company downsized and the offer was taken off of the table. Whew.
12) How did you celebrate your birthday?
Ate Ethiopian food with my sister for lunch and came home to be chased all over the house by Bing and Liv, who threatened to spank me 49 times. Instead, I was given a private piano concert courtesy of Liv, who wrote me my own song and later that evening Bing entertained me by getting into the shower with me and um...washing my back. Pretty nice for an old lady's birthday....
13) What concerts/shows did you go to?
Hmm..let's see. I went to a wonderful lecture by Anne Lamont. I saw Elton John. And, last but not least, I saw Yo-Yo Ma perform with the symphony.
14) Are you registered to vote?
Yep. One of the ten liberal democrats in Nebraska and proud of it....
15) Where do you live now?
Ask my blog stalker. She has the blueprints to my house, too. Bitch. Creepy Peeper Bitch.
16) How did you spend your summer break?
I am a working adult. We don't get summer breaks. Well...unless you are a teacher, like Bing. But, she teaches summer school, so she doesn't really get a break either and frankly, most teachers who I know work over the summer because their pay is so abysmal.
17) What's one thing you thought you'd never do but did in 2007?
Get a colonoscopy. My, my, such fond memories this brings up of drinking a gallon of pineapple flavored snot and then feeling it sear open my colon. Good times, good times....
18) What has been your favorite moment?
I fucking HATE these kinds of questions because most people have more than one moment and if you write down one, you will always think of another later on that was more wonderful. I wasn't in prison. I had lots of good moments.
19) What's something that you learned about yourself?
The older I get, the more I value having a secure home life.
20) What was your worst month?
July. It is always my worst month. It is hot and humid and Liv is starting to get on my nerves after a month's vacation. Bing is too, because she has so much more free time than I do and yet she can't seem to get any housework done unless I guilt whip her. July is just....all over crabby. The only things I like about July are my garden and Liv's birthday.
21) What music will you remember 2007 by?
I live with a musician and a budding musician. I am surrounded by music a lot. So, too numerous to mention. I do recall that I developed a love of movie soundtracks in 2007. (Brokeback Mountain, The Piano, Out of Africa...)
22) Who has been your best drinking buddy?
Hmmm...I really don't have one. Bing doesn't drink. Harriet is a recovering alcoholic. My sisters are no fun. I will say that when our friends, Vince and Thuan, visited from Chicago, I let my hair down a bit.
23) Made new friends?
Yes. Nirand. Rebecca. And countless bloggers.
24) What was your best month?
October. I love it every year. It is a time of Cornhusker games, sweet, cool breezes and color. Instead of the steady heat of summer, the winds get blustery, but not freezing cold yet and life seems very precious in October.
25) Overall, how would you rate 2007 out of 10?
About an 8.
26) Have any car accidents?
Not me. Bing managed to hit our friend's car while it WAS PARKED IN OUR DRIVEWAY. This was after she had told me that she would move our car because I was such a bad driver that I would probably hit something....Smart ass. And that smarty pants mouth handed her some baaaaddd karma. I have never let her forget it. Every time she even hints at back seat driving when she is with me, I sarcastically remind her that at least I have never hit a parked car in our driveway.....
27) Did you have a New Year's Resolution?
No. I never do. I don't change until I'm ready and I am seldom ready on January first.
28) Do anything embarrassing?
Daily. Sometimes hourly. The most recent thing I did just this evening. Bing, Liv and I stopped at Whole Foods to pick up a few things we needed. Bing and Liv went to get bread and I went to get this hair conditioner that I like. I found it and went looking for Bing. I saw her standing in front of some all-natural tampons. I went up to her and said, "Don't get those. I tried those once and they like...unravel before you can shove them up." I discovered at that precise moment that the person was not Bing, but was actually a young man. (Bing has extremely short hair.) I have no idea why he was looking at tampons (girlfriend?), but I was mortified and made matters worse by saying, "I thought you were my girlfriend...." Then when I found Bing and told her the story, she did not find it amusing that I thought some guy resembled her. She was grumpy all the way home.
29) Buy anything from E-bay?
No. I have never bought anything from there.
30) Get married?
I wish. I would love to be covered under Bing's stellar health insurance. And, well...I AM in love with her and all that junk. But, hey...marriage is only for those worthy heteros like Brittany and Kevin and let's see...Eddie Murphy. You know, it is a SACRED thing and homosexuals are not worthy. Just Brittany. People like her. You know?
31) Get arrested?
God, no. I am a fucking role model for my 8 year old child. I have to be proper. Well, okay...I have to assume the role of looking proper.
32) Did you get sick in 2007?
Yes. My sister has not had a cold in over 6 years. I, on the other hand, catch cold if I even glance at someone with one.
33) Been snowboarding?
With my back? Do I look like I have a death wish?
34) Are you happy to see 2007 go?
Sure. Bring on a democrat president in 2008. We can only go up from Bush.
So...another one from my fellow Diana death laugher, Dive.
2007
1) Where did you begin 2007?
Asleep in my bed. Bing and I were in bed by 11:15. We tried to be party girls, we really did, but we are old and frankly, didn't much give a shit that the year was turning.
2) What was your status on Valentine's Day?
Taken. And the recipient of a box of sugar free chocolates. Splenda spells romance.
3) Were you in school anytime this year?
Yes, quite often as I teach part time at a local college. I also took a sign language class with my daughter. And...yes...a puppy training class, which we passed by the seat of our pants/fur. We were the "bad example" so, so many times.
4) How do you earn your money?
Well, besides pole dancing, I am also a jury consultant and work privately for several clients who like to have their prospective hires analyzed to make sure that they aren't
5) Did you have to go to the hospital?
Yes. I awakened in the middle of the night to find that my stomach hurt so badly that I could not walk. Bing called my sister to come sit with Liv and we trundled off to the ER to find out that I had ulcerative colitis. Sexy is my middle name....
6) Did you have any encounters with the police?
No. I did have an encounter with a very cranky, very vigilant security guard at an airport who told me to move my car because I had been sitting for more than the allotted five minutes. I told him that I had just spoken to my partner and she was on her way out THAT SECOND and couldn't he please cut me some slack? He called me "an upstart woman with a bad attitude" and made me move. Bing walked out as I drove right by her to circle the airport once again and she thought I was playing a sick joke on her because I was mad that her flight was late. It made for an interesting conversation on the way home....
7) Where did you go on vacation?
We went to Chicago to visit our friends, Vince and Thuan. We went to Oregon to visit a fellow blogger and had a great time. I also went rafting while I was there and yanked my back out again. That was fun....We went to small town Iowa to visit my childhood home and visit my sisters who still live there.
8) What did you purchase that was over 1000$?
Liv's education. So...1000 X 10.
9) Did you know anybody who got married?
Yes. Bing's nephew. He looks like Ichabod Crane and he married a very plump girl who made the unfortunate decision to wear a sleeveless gown. This made her look as if she had been stuffed into a white cylinder. It also prompted Bing and I to make several snide private references to each other about Jack Sprat and his wife.
10) Did you know anyone who passed away?
Yes. Moving on.....
11) Did you move anywhere?
No. But, we did have a difficult decision to make when Bing was offered a job in California. She decided to take it and just before she was ready to sign the contract and move us all to the land of sunshine and no snow, the company downsized and the offer was taken off of the table. Whew.
12) How did you celebrate your birthday?
Ate Ethiopian food with my sister for lunch and came home to be chased all over the house by Bing and Liv, who threatened to spank me 49 times. Instead, I was given a private piano concert courtesy of Liv, who wrote me my own song and later that evening Bing entertained me by getting into the shower with me and um...washing my back. Pretty nice for an old lady's birthday....
13) What concerts/shows did you go to?
Hmm..let's see. I went to a wonderful lecture by Anne Lamont. I saw Elton John. And, last but not least, I saw Yo-Yo Ma perform with the symphony.
14) Are you registered to vote?
Yep. One of the ten liberal democrats in Nebraska and proud of it....
15) Where do you live now?
Ask my blog stalker. She has the blueprints to my house, too. Bitch. Creepy Peeper Bitch.
16) How did you spend your summer break?
I am a working adult. We don't get summer breaks. Well...unless you are a teacher, like Bing. But, she teaches summer school, so she doesn't really get a break either and frankly, most teachers who I know work over the summer because their pay is so abysmal.
17) What's one thing you thought you'd never do but did in 2007?
Get a colonoscopy. My, my, such fond memories this brings up of drinking a gallon of pineapple flavored snot and then feeling it sear open my colon. Good times, good times....
18) What has been your favorite moment?
I fucking HATE these kinds of questions because most people have more than one moment and if you write down one, you will always think of another later on that was more wonderful. I wasn't in prison. I had lots of good moments.
19) What's something that you learned about yourself?
The older I get, the more I value having a secure home life.
20) What was your worst month?
July. It is always my worst month. It is hot and humid and Liv is starting to get on my nerves after a month's vacation. Bing is too, because she has so much more free time than I do and yet she can't seem to get any housework done unless I guilt whip her. July is just....all over crabby. The only things I like about July are my garden and Liv's birthday.
21) What music will you remember 2007 by?
I live with a musician and a budding musician. I am surrounded by music a lot. So, too numerous to mention. I do recall that I developed a love of movie soundtracks in 2007. (Brokeback Mountain, The Piano, Out of Africa...)
22) Who has been your best drinking buddy?
Hmmm...I really don't have one. Bing doesn't drink. Harriet is a recovering alcoholic. My sisters are no fun. I will say that when our friends, Vince and Thuan, visited from Chicago, I let my hair down a bit.
23) Made new friends?
Yes. Nirand. Rebecca. And countless bloggers.
24) What was your best month?
October. I love it every year. It is a time of Cornhusker games, sweet, cool breezes and color. Instead of the steady heat of summer, the winds get blustery, but not freezing cold yet and life seems very precious in October.
25) Overall, how would you rate 2007 out of 10?
About an 8.
26) Have any car accidents?
Not me. Bing managed to hit our friend's car while it WAS PARKED IN OUR DRIVEWAY. This was after she had told me that she would move our car because I was such a bad driver that I would probably hit something....Smart ass. And that smarty pants mouth handed her some baaaaddd karma. I have never let her forget it. Every time she even hints at back seat driving when she is with me, I sarcastically remind her that at least I have never hit a parked car in our driveway.....
27) Did you have a New Year's Resolution?
No. I never do. I don't change until I'm ready and I am seldom ready on January first.
28) Do anything embarrassing?
Daily. Sometimes hourly. The most recent thing I did just this evening. Bing, Liv and I stopped at Whole Foods to pick up a few things we needed. Bing and Liv went to get bread and I went to get this hair conditioner that I like. I found it and went looking for Bing. I saw her standing in front of some all-natural tampons. I went up to her and said, "Don't get those. I tried those once and they like...unravel before you can shove them up." I discovered at that precise moment that the person was not Bing, but was actually a young man. (Bing has extremely short hair.) I have no idea why he was looking at tampons (girlfriend?), but I was mortified and made matters worse by saying, "I thought you were my girlfriend...." Then when I found Bing and told her the story, she did not find it amusing that I thought some guy resembled her. She was grumpy all the way home.
29) Buy anything from E-bay?
No. I have never bought anything from there.
30) Get married?
I wish. I would love to be covered under Bing's stellar health insurance. And, well...I AM in love with her and all that junk. But, hey...marriage is only for those worthy heteros like Brittany and Kevin and let's see...Eddie Murphy. You know, it is a SACRED thing and homosexuals are not worthy. Just Brittany. People like her. You know?
31) Get arrested?
God, no. I am a fucking role model for my 8 year old child. I have to be proper. Well, okay...I have to assume the role of looking proper.
32) Did you get sick in 2007?
Yes. My sister has not had a cold in over 6 years. I, on the other hand, catch cold if I even glance at someone with one.
33) Been snowboarding?
With my back? Do I look like I have a death wish?
34) Are you happy to see 2007 go?
Sure. Bring on a democrat president in 2008. We can only go up from Bush.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Another MEME. Deal with it, I'm coming up dry.
This one is courtesy of my good pal, Dive over at Small Glass Planet.
FIVE THINGS
Five names you go by:
1) Hot Vixen
2) Slut on Wheels
3) Big Bertha
4) Candy Butt
5) Sister Bertrille
Shut up. I can be whomever I want.
Five things you are wearing right now:
1) red cords
2) white turtleneck sweater
3) brown loafers
4) that bra that rides up
5) white Hanes for Her underpants because I am just THAT fucking sexy and I know it.
Five things you would want (or have had) in a relationship:
1) too much neediness (Cory)
2) incredible sex (Cory...and okay..Bing, but we had to learn how to get there instead of rockets going off just at the sight of each other)
3) unconditional love (never had it growing up, so it is my big hang-up and a must-have in my relationships.
4) friendship that came easily and naturally, like we were tailor made to be bff (Harriet)
5) no money worries, ever (that would be a dream of mine)
Five favorite things to do:
1) read
2) go to movies
3) go out to dinner
4) hang out with Liv
5) blog
Five things you want very badly at this moment:
1) A freak day in winter where it hits 80 degrees.
2) That Christmas weight to just drop off with no effort on my part.
3) To find a secret box in my basement with thousands of dollars in it.
4) Bing, Liv and me to not catch any colds for the rest of the winter.
5) A new car.
Five things you did last night:
1) went to a really boring play with my sister (Same Time Next Year)
2) had an unsatisfying dinner before the play at a restaurant that I thought could do better
3) went to bed WAY too late and then almost started bawling when the alarm went off this morning
4) shivered
5) gagged a little when I went to the bathroom during intermission at the play and when it was my turn to enter one of the cubicles....it smelled like a butt
Five things you ate today:
1) Cultural Revolution vanilla bean yogurt (breakfast)
2) 8 malted milk balls (bad dieter! bad dieter!)
3) bowl of oatmeal (lunch)
4) one cherry cough drop
5) planning on scrambled eggs and bacon for dinner
Last five people you talked to:
1) Lyndsay (department head in my department at the college where I teach part time)...she told me to leave early, said I looked "beat." This confused me as I am not really sick and I thought I was having a pretty good hair day. Apparently not....
2) Cain (guy who is in my department, fellow instructor)...he told me that The New York Times had officially endorsed Clinton and McCain. He's an Obama man, I asked him if I looked "beat"...he shrugged politely...I took that as a yes.
3) Liv...picked her up at school, asked her how her day was, she said it was ducky.
4) Clerk at Whole Foods. She wondered if I wanted paper or plastic. This is riveting, I know. Guess what I said? Ten points to whoever gets it right. A clue: it was neither.
5) A mom in the parking lot at Liv's school. She and I did the whole "it sure is cold today" dance....
Five things you are doing tomorrow:
1) changing Liv's and our sheets.
2) talking Bing into going out to lunch with Liv and me.
3) catching up on laundry
4) reading a few blogs that I need to catch up with.
5) taking Liv and her friend, Candace, ice skating.
Five longest car rides:
1) Driving to Washington D.C. with my family from Iowa in an un-air conditioned car in August when I was five.
2) Driving to Louisiana with Bing when we were just friends. She and I discovered that we are not suited to vacation together, mostly because she likes cheap hotels and mooching off friend's sofas and I like five star hotels with spas.
3) Driving to the ER when Sven was chasing Liv in the house and she slipped and fell over the dishwasher door and a knife slashed her forehead. I have never seen so much blood. Sven and I got her to the hospital and once we realized that she would be okay, he threw up and I fainted.
4) Driving home from a party with my ex, Cory. I told her that I didn't love her anymore and wanted to break up and she started screaming and crying and begging me to stop the car so that she could "jump off a bridge."
5) Driving around at 3 in the morning when Liv was an infant with colic and it was the only thing that made her stop crying.
Five favorite beverages:
1) apple martinis
2) chai tea
3) coffee
4) milk (yes, milk...I LOVE it...)
5) iced tea on a really hot day
Five things about me that you may not have known:
1) I know how to clean a fish
2) I know how to milk a cow
3) I know how to draw blood
4) I am an Elaine Benes dancer
5) I was voted "most likely to write the next Jane Eyre" in high school.
Five jobs that I have had in my life:
1) corn detassler
2) roller skating car hop
3) counter help at Dairy Queen
4) grief counselor
5) published writer
Five movies that I could watch over and over:
1) Garden State
2) Lost in Translation
3) Camelot (yes...I am a sap about King Arthur...)
4) To Kill a Mockingbird (might as well join the crowd)
5) Any Harry Potter movie as long as Liv is with me.
Five places I have lived:
1) Iowa
2) Maryland
3) Chicago (for four months)
4) Colorado (for two months)
5) Nebraska
Five favorite foods:
1) malted milk balls (god, I love to suck them right down to the malt and then...crunch into that sweetness...)
2) anything and everything at Thanksgiving.
3) chicken salad
4) ham and bean soup
5) mashers
Five places I would rather be right now:
1) Anyplace above 80 degrees
2) Cuddled in my bed with the electric blanket on high
3) New York City
4) Vince and Thuan's house in Chicago
5) Getting a massage
Five people that I think will respond:
1) I
2) could
3) seriously
4) care
5) less...because I refuse to make people do MEMES. If you want it take it, if not, go about your merry way....
FIVE THINGS
Five names you go by:
1) Hot Vixen
2) Slut on Wheels
3) Big Bertha
4) Candy Butt
5) Sister Bertrille
Shut up. I can be whomever I want.
Five things you are wearing right now:
1) red cords
2) white turtleneck sweater
3) brown loafers
4) that bra that rides up
5) white Hanes for Her underpants because I am just THAT fucking sexy and I know it.
Five things you would want (or have had) in a relationship:
1) too much neediness (Cory)
2) incredible sex (Cory...and okay..Bing, but we had to learn how to get there instead of rockets going off just at the sight of each other)
3) unconditional love (never had it growing up, so it is my big hang-up and a must-have in my relationships.
4) friendship that came easily and naturally, like we were tailor made to be bff (Harriet)
5) no money worries, ever (that would be a dream of mine)
Five favorite things to do:
1) read
2) go to movies
3) go out to dinner
4) hang out with Liv
5) blog
Five things you want very badly at this moment:
1) A freak day in winter where it hits 80 degrees.
2) That Christmas weight to just drop off with no effort on my part.
3) To find a secret box in my basement with thousands of dollars in it.
4) Bing, Liv and me to not catch any colds for the rest of the winter.
5) A new car.
Five things you did last night:
1) went to a really boring play with my sister (Same Time Next Year)
2) had an unsatisfying dinner before the play at a restaurant that I thought could do better
3) went to bed WAY too late and then almost started bawling when the alarm went off this morning
4) shivered
5) gagged a little when I went to the bathroom during intermission at the play and when it was my turn to enter one of the cubicles....it smelled like a butt
Five things you ate today:
1) Cultural Revolution vanilla bean yogurt (breakfast)
2) 8 malted milk balls (bad dieter! bad dieter!)
3) bowl of oatmeal (lunch)
4) one cherry cough drop
5) planning on scrambled eggs and bacon for dinner
Last five people you talked to:
1) Lyndsay (department head in my department at the college where I teach part time)...she told me to leave early, said I looked "beat." This confused me as I am not really sick and I thought I was having a pretty good hair day. Apparently not....
2) Cain (guy who is in my department, fellow instructor)...he told me that The New York Times had officially endorsed Clinton and McCain. He's an Obama man, I asked him if I looked "beat"...he shrugged politely...I took that as a yes.
3) Liv...picked her up at school, asked her how her day was, she said it was ducky.
4) Clerk at Whole Foods. She wondered if I wanted paper or plastic. This is riveting, I know. Guess what I said? Ten points to whoever gets it right. A clue: it was neither.
5) A mom in the parking lot at Liv's school. She and I did the whole "it sure is cold today" dance....
Five things you are doing tomorrow:
1) changing Liv's and our sheets.
2) talking Bing into going out to lunch with Liv and me.
3) catching up on laundry
4) reading a few blogs that I need to catch up with.
5) taking Liv and her friend, Candace, ice skating.
Five longest car rides:
1) Driving to Washington D.C. with my family from Iowa in an un-air conditioned car in August when I was five.
2) Driving to Louisiana with Bing when we were just friends. She and I discovered that we are not suited to vacation together, mostly because she likes cheap hotels and mooching off friend's sofas and I like five star hotels with spas.
3) Driving to the ER when Sven was chasing Liv in the house and she slipped and fell over the dishwasher door and a knife slashed her forehead. I have never seen so much blood. Sven and I got her to the hospital and once we realized that she would be okay, he threw up and I fainted.
4) Driving home from a party with my ex, Cory. I told her that I didn't love her anymore and wanted to break up and she started screaming and crying and begging me to stop the car so that she could "jump off a bridge."
5) Driving around at 3 in the morning when Liv was an infant with colic and it was the only thing that made her stop crying.
Five favorite beverages:
1) apple martinis
2) chai tea
3) coffee
4) milk (yes, milk...I LOVE it...)
5) iced tea on a really hot day
Five things about me that you may not have known:
1) I know how to clean a fish
2) I know how to milk a cow
3) I know how to draw blood
4) I am an Elaine Benes dancer
5) I was voted "most likely to write the next Jane Eyre" in high school.
Five jobs that I have had in my life:
1) corn detassler
2) roller skating car hop
3) counter help at Dairy Queen
4) grief counselor
5) published writer
Five movies that I could watch over and over:
1) Garden State
2) Lost in Translation
3) Camelot (yes...I am a sap about King Arthur...)
4) To Kill a Mockingbird (might as well join the crowd)
5) Any Harry Potter movie as long as Liv is with me.
Five places I have lived:
1) Iowa
2) Maryland
3) Chicago (for four months)
4) Colorado (for two months)
5) Nebraska
Five favorite foods:
1) malted milk balls (god, I love to suck them right down to the malt and then...crunch into that sweetness...)
2) anything and everything at Thanksgiving.
3) chicken salad
4) ham and bean soup
5) mashers
Five places I would rather be right now:
1) Anyplace above 80 degrees
2) Cuddled in my bed with the electric blanket on high
3) New York City
4) Vince and Thuan's house in Chicago
5) Getting a massage
Five people that I think will respond:
1) I
2) could
3) seriously
4) care
5) less...because I refuse to make people do MEMES. If you want it take it, if not, go about your merry way....
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Standing Stock Still
It had been such a good day, a really decent one.
Well, it snowed but I am actually getting used to plowing through mounds of snow. I hate it, but it is now such a part of my life that when Spring comes, I will be dancing with joy. This is what living in a four season climate does. It makes you dance with joy when Spring comes. When Autumn comes...
Work had gone well that day. A client well pleased. Called me "brilliant, so intuitive and clever." The ego needed a boost lately, so that felt pretty wonderful.
It's my turn to make Sunday dinner, so Liv and I put our heads together and decided to make a big pot of ham and bean soup with buttermilk biscuits. Bing has open house at her school that day and will LOVE coming home to a house all warm and soupy smelling. It made Liv and I smile just to plan it. Plus, it is an easy recipe and I am always all about easy all of the time. I plan on having an apple pie too, but I will buy it from the bakery. Me bake a pie? Are you insane?
Liv had a major success this week. She had decided to try out for a city youth orchestra. Violin. It is generally only open to fourth through six graders. Third graders are only allowed in on the recommendation of their teacher. Well, her teacher, Ms. Basil, thinks that Liv is ready. So, Liv practiced and practiced her piece.
On the day of her audition, I drove her to the college auditorium where tryouts were held. Brushed her hair until it shone, braided it carefully, helped her slip into her green velvet dress. She polished her fiddle until it's brown wood shimmered.
I was in the audience when she stepped onto the stage, looking small and spindly and scared. Her chin wobbled a bit, she righted it and said her name in a calm, clear voice. The judges nodded. She lifted her bow and....played.
Beautifully. She looked like an angel, I thought. Her hair, blonde in the summer, now in a golden pair of braids, rippled with dappled sparkle under the stage lights. Her legs were planted firmly on the stage, a hard thing for her to do as she prefers to put one foot against her leg while she plays. I don't know how this works for her, balance wise, but she likes it. Ms. Basil is constantly correcting her stance.
She only played for a few minutes when the judges stopped her. She looked crestfallen. They hadn't even let her finish her piece! She put her bow down and stood, trying to be brave.
I wanted to smack every single one of those judges.
Until one stood up and said, "We agree as a group that you are definitely someone who needs to play in our group, Miss Last Name. Please see the song mistress for your music. Rehearsals start on Saturday."
Liv nodded primly and we met in the back of the auditorium to get her music from the song mistress. Liv asked to use the bathroom and we were directed down the hall.
Once in there, all hell broke loose. We high fived, we hugged, we laughed with glee. Liv jumped into my arms, winding her legs around my waist. Her weight staggered me a little but I leaned into a wall, kissing her face all over the way I used to do when she was a baby.
"I'm in a children's orchestra!!!" she chortled with such joy that I nearly wept. We composed ourselves and walked into the bitter cold of the parking lot, nothing could wipe the grins off of our faces.
Liv called Bing with the good news on the way home. I could hear her excited shout through the telephone.
"Way to go, dovey!" Bing's voice chimed through the car.
We stopped to get us all roast beast (beef to you) sandwiches, potato cakes and jamocha shakes at Arby's on the way home.
It was a sweet night. Liv kept repeating, "I'm in a children's orchestra!" as if she could hardly believe her luck. I sent her to her bedroom to do her homework and when I peeked in, I caught her pirouetting around her room, her hair loose of the braids and flying around. So hard to do boring homework, I know....
I finally got her to bed and began doing my own nightly bedtime ritual of washing my face, slathering lotion from head to foot and brushing my teeth. I was spitting out mouthwash when I looked up into the bathroom mirror to see Bing leaning against the door jam watching me. She looked serious. Very serious.
"What's up?" I asked her.
"It was just on the news," she began. Our eyes met and held in the mirror.
"WHAT???" I asked, a little alarmed.
"Westboro church is going to picket Heath Ledger's funeral," she said.
I stared at her. " The Phelps clan? Heath Ledger was gay?"
"No," she answered. "Brokeback Mountain. He wasn't gay, he just played a gay man in a movie. And had the nerve to play him as the character was written,as a kind, loving, good hearted man. Pretty cheeky of him, huh?"
We stood silent, looking at each other for a long time in the mirror. Not speaking. Finally, she shook her head and turned to go to bed.
I slowly and deliberately picked up my La Prairie hydrating creme. Rubbed it into my face. And then stopped.
Stood stock still.
Just looking in the mirror at myself.
Time to rejoin the real world. The real world where I live where creepy peeper people picket the funerals of gay people and now, people who portray gay people in films. A world where presidential candidates don't come out for gay rights because that would alienate all those people who think that while it is okey dokey for Britney Spears to pop out and raise children, people like me shouldn't be allowed to do that. Or, to marry.
A world that we are handing down to our children. A place where human beings are treated badly, so badly, by other human beings.
People like me. Gay people.
I felt my good day dissolving all around me. Felt a wave of sadness that brought tears to my eyes.
I turned off the bathroom light and got into bed with Bing. She leaned over to kiss me goodnight.
"What?" she said, surprised. "Hon, are you crying?"
I gulped. Took a shaky breath. "I feel like Wordsworth right now, I guess. Like the world is too much with us right now. I just...wouldja please hold me?"
Bing's arms went around me, sure and tight. Her leg found mine and wrapped around it.
"I've got you, honey. I'm right here. I've got you," she said.
Oh, what a world.
Well, it snowed but I am actually getting used to plowing through mounds of snow. I hate it, but it is now such a part of my life that when Spring comes, I will be dancing with joy. This is what living in a four season climate does. It makes you dance with joy when Spring comes. When Autumn comes...
Work had gone well that day. A client well pleased. Called me "brilliant, so intuitive and clever." The ego needed a boost lately, so that felt pretty wonderful.
It's my turn to make Sunday dinner, so Liv and I put our heads together and decided to make a big pot of ham and bean soup with buttermilk biscuits. Bing has open house at her school that day and will LOVE coming home to a house all warm and soupy smelling. It made Liv and I smile just to plan it. Plus, it is an easy recipe and I am always all about easy all of the time. I plan on having an apple pie too, but I will buy it from the bakery. Me bake a pie? Are you insane?
Liv had a major success this week. She had decided to try out for a city youth orchestra. Violin. It is generally only open to fourth through six graders. Third graders are only allowed in on the recommendation of their teacher. Well, her teacher, Ms. Basil, thinks that Liv is ready. So, Liv practiced and practiced her piece.
On the day of her audition, I drove her to the college auditorium where tryouts were held. Brushed her hair until it shone, braided it carefully, helped her slip into her green velvet dress. She polished her fiddle until it's brown wood shimmered.
I was in the audience when she stepped onto the stage, looking small and spindly and scared. Her chin wobbled a bit, she righted it and said her name in a calm, clear voice. The judges nodded. She lifted her bow and....played.
Beautifully. She looked like an angel, I thought. Her hair, blonde in the summer, now in a golden pair of braids, rippled with dappled sparkle under the stage lights. Her legs were planted firmly on the stage, a hard thing for her to do as she prefers to put one foot against her leg while she plays. I don't know how this works for her, balance wise, but she likes it. Ms. Basil is constantly correcting her stance.
She only played for a few minutes when the judges stopped her. She looked crestfallen. They hadn't even let her finish her piece! She put her bow down and stood, trying to be brave.
I wanted to smack every single one of those judges.
Until one stood up and said, "We agree as a group that you are definitely someone who needs to play in our group, Miss Last Name. Please see the song mistress for your music. Rehearsals start on Saturday."
Liv nodded primly and we met in the back of the auditorium to get her music from the song mistress. Liv asked to use the bathroom and we were directed down the hall.
Once in there, all hell broke loose. We high fived, we hugged, we laughed with glee. Liv jumped into my arms, winding her legs around my waist. Her weight staggered me a little but I leaned into a wall, kissing her face all over the way I used to do when she was a baby.
"I'm in a children's orchestra!!!" she chortled with such joy that I nearly wept. We composed ourselves and walked into the bitter cold of the parking lot, nothing could wipe the grins off of our faces.
Liv called Bing with the good news on the way home. I could hear her excited shout through the telephone.
"Way to go, dovey!" Bing's voice chimed through the car.
We stopped to get us all roast beast (beef to you) sandwiches, potato cakes and jamocha shakes at Arby's on the way home.
It was a sweet night. Liv kept repeating, "I'm in a children's orchestra!" as if she could hardly believe her luck. I sent her to her bedroom to do her homework and when I peeked in, I caught her pirouetting around her room, her hair loose of the braids and flying around. So hard to do boring homework, I know....
I finally got her to bed and began doing my own nightly bedtime ritual of washing my face, slathering lotion from head to foot and brushing my teeth. I was spitting out mouthwash when I looked up into the bathroom mirror to see Bing leaning against the door jam watching me. She looked serious. Very serious.
"What's up?" I asked her.
"It was just on the news," she began. Our eyes met and held in the mirror.
"WHAT???" I asked, a little alarmed.
"Westboro church is going to picket Heath Ledger's funeral," she said.
I stared at her. " The Phelps clan? Heath Ledger was gay?"
"No," she answered. "Brokeback Mountain. He wasn't gay, he just played a gay man in a movie. And had the nerve to play him as the character was written,as a kind, loving, good hearted man. Pretty cheeky of him, huh?"
We stood silent, looking at each other for a long time in the mirror. Not speaking. Finally, she shook her head and turned to go to bed.
I slowly and deliberately picked up my La Prairie hydrating creme. Rubbed it into my face. And then stopped.
Stood stock still.
Just looking in the mirror at myself.
Time to rejoin the real world. The real world where I live where creepy peeper people picket the funerals of gay people and now, people who portray gay people in films. A world where presidential candidates don't come out for gay rights because that would alienate all those people who think that while it is okey dokey for Britney Spears to pop out and raise children, people like me shouldn't be allowed to do that. Or, to marry.
A world that we are handing down to our children. A place where human beings are treated badly, so badly, by other human beings.
People like me. Gay people.
I felt my good day dissolving all around me. Felt a wave of sadness that brought tears to my eyes.
I turned off the bathroom light and got into bed with Bing. She leaned over to kiss me goodnight.
"What?" she said, surprised. "Hon, are you crying?"
I gulped. Took a shaky breath. "I feel like Wordsworth right now, I guess. Like the world is too much with us right now. I just...wouldja please hold me?"
Bing's arms went around me, sure and tight. Her leg found mine and wrapped around it.
"I've got you, honey. I'm right here. I've got you," she said.
Oh, what a world.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Sick day for Liv
She's not thrilled. Mainly because today was a non school day (Martin Luther King's birthday, no school) and how the hell is THAT fair? Bad enough to be sick, but to be sick on a day off? Well, now. It sucks. That's what.
I knew she was fading yesterday. She is on a Y basketball team and the (time for a bragging parental moment) star player on the team. Usually. Not yesterday. Yesterday, she only made one basket and looked almost gray faced at the end of the game. Last night, as I put her to bed, she said her head kind of hurt....
And this morning, her temp was 103. I gave her Tylenol. We did the hang-out-together thing all day. She wasn't quite sick enough to stay in bed, but sick enough to want me to make her pancakes and bring her glass after glass of apple juice.
I let her watch television all morning. She was afraid to speak for fear that I would notice that the TV had been on for three hours, so she kept smiling wanly at me whenever I walked by and I could feel her telepathic messages sliding around my head:Do not notice that I have been watching Sponge Bob all morning, keep walking. That's it.....
I just had so much housework to catch up on. I felt Liv's head every half hour and could tell that her fever had broken, so wasn't overly worried.
Plus, it was snowing. Again. Like it ever fucking stops.
Bing spent the morning doing errands for me in the car. Then she came home with Liv's favorite sick soup: Mrs. Grass chicken noodle. She made us all a round of grilled cheese sandwiches and soup. Took the dog for a walk. Came back and played three rounds of Chutes and Ladders with us. Liv managed to win all three times and was feeling quite cocky, so when Bing left to go do her workout at the gym, she talked me into playing one more time so she could wallop me again.
I ran a warm bath for her, put this under the running water, and then let her lay in the water like a little mermaid until her skin began to wrinkle and she was done playing with every last Barbie she owned.
She used her best I am sick! voice to coax me into letting her use my almond lotion afterwards. I rubbed her briskly with it while she lay on her bed and then gently kept rubbing as I felt her bones relax. She lay limp as a doll, her eyes half open with sweet relaxation, loving all the special attention.
As I was helping her into a clean nightie (sick girls get to wear nighties all day long), I noticed that she felt awfully warm again. Took her temp. It was 103. I sighed.
More Tylenol. And this time, I tucked her in with me in my bed and started reading one of her Ramona books to her. She made it for exactly three pages before she conked out. This is where Bing found us when she returned home from her workout. Me. Liv. Socks. All laying like sloe eyed turtles on the bed.
What could she do but get in? Bing and I lay with our little girl in between us. I had her feel Liv's sleeping back. She agreed that she was running a temp, but didn't think it was too high. Socks curled up at our feet, lifting his head now and then to smile a dog smile at us.
We both put our arms around Liv and held hands. Smiled lazily at each other. Liv stirred a little. Pulled our arms closer around her. Bing winked at me and whispered,"I have been waiting all of my life to be so content...."
I smiled at her, pursing my lips in a soft kiss, blew it at her.
Looked out the window at the blowing snow.
Just a sick day. But here we are, this happy family. Let them say what they want about marriage being only sacred between a man and woman.
This is sacred. This is good. This is beautiful. And this is my life.
I knew she was fading yesterday. She is on a Y basketball team and the (time for a bragging parental moment) star player on the team. Usually. Not yesterday. Yesterday, she only made one basket and looked almost gray faced at the end of the game. Last night, as I put her to bed, she said her head kind of hurt....
And this morning, her temp was 103. I gave her Tylenol. We did the hang-out-together thing all day. She wasn't quite sick enough to stay in bed, but sick enough to want me to make her pancakes and bring her glass after glass of apple juice.
I let her watch television all morning. She was afraid to speak for fear that I would notice that the TV had been on for three hours, so she kept smiling wanly at me whenever I walked by and I could feel her telepathic messages sliding around my head:Do not notice that I have been watching Sponge Bob all morning, keep walking. That's it.....
I just had so much housework to catch up on. I felt Liv's head every half hour and could tell that her fever had broken, so wasn't overly worried.
Plus, it was snowing. Again. Like it ever fucking stops.
Bing spent the morning doing errands for me in the car. Then she came home with Liv's favorite sick soup: Mrs. Grass chicken noodle. She made us all a round of grilled cheese sandwiches and soup. Took the dog for a walk. Came back and played three rounds of Chutes and Ladders with us. Liv managed to win all three times and was feeling quite cocky, so when Bing left to go do her workout at the gym, she talked me into playing one more time so she could wallop me again.
I ran a warm bath for her, put this under the running water, and then let her lay in the water like a little mermaid until her skin began to wrinkle and she was done playing with every last Barbie she owned.
She used her best I am sick! voice to coax me into letting her use my almond lotion afterwards. I rubbed her briskly with it while she lay on her bed and then gently kept rubbing as I felt her bones relax. She lay limp as a doll, her eyes half open with sweet relaxation, loving all the special attention.
As I was helping her into a clean nightie (sick girls get to wear nighties all day long), I noticed that she felt awfully warm again. Took her temp. It was 103. I sighed.
More Tylenol. And this time, I tucked her in with me in my bed and started reading one of her Ramona books to her. She made it for exactly three pages before she conked out. This is where Bing found us when she returned home from her workout. Me. Liv. Socks. All laying like sloe eyed turtles on the bed.
What could she do but get in? Bing and I lay with our little girl in between us. I had her feel Liv's sleeping back. She agreed that she was running a temp, but didn't think it was too high. Socks curled up at our feet, lifting his head now and then to smile a dog smile at us.
We both put our arms around Liv and held hands. Smiled lazily at each other. Liv stirred a little. Pulled our arms closer around her. Bing winked at me and whispered,"I have been waiting all of my life to be so content...."
I smiled at her, pursing my lips in a soft kiss, blew it at her.
Looked out the window at the blowing snow.
Just a sick day. But here we are, this happy family. Let them say what they want about marriage being only sacred between a man and woman.
This is sacred. This is good. This is beautiful. And this is my life.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Letter to me
Bing and I went to the movies today. We saw The Savages. It was fantastic if you want to see a really dark, funny, perfect little movie. I will pretty much see anything with Laura Linney in it. She is like my dream date. We all have one. She's mine.
But, our rule in the car is that the one driving gets to pick the radio station. Bing was driving and she is on this country western kick lately. She gets on music kicks. I liked her soul music kick the best so far. But, today the song Letter To Me by Brad Paisley came on. I was intrigued. It was a song about his grown up self writing a letter to his self at 17. I decided that I would blog a letter to myself. So, here goes.
Dear Maria, aged 17:
First, just breathe. You will pass that stupid math test. The one that Mom had to hire a tutor for you about. You will pass with flying colors. I promise.
You are so much prettier than you realize. You are not fat. Nope. You are just right. But, hey....your penchant for long swirly skirts will be with you forever. It isn't just a phase. And in about fifteen years, you will be diagnosed with Meniere's Syndrome and this will cause balance problems. You won't be able to wear high heels anymore, so wear the hell out of them while you can. Yes, you can pull them off. Your legs are probably your best feature.
Wear sunscreen. I know you like to look tan, but your skin is so white that too much sun exposure is really bad for you. The ozone layer will become this big freakin' issue in about ten more years and you will be glad that you didn't let yourself fry so much.
Yes, you are a lesbian. You're pretty sure you are but are really, really hoping that some boy will knock you for a loop. It won't happen. Lots of girls will knock you for a loop, though. You might want to re-think the coming out thing at Thanksgiving dinner when you are 24. Mom will disown you for it and write you out of her will. She will die when you are 35; if you wait, you will get about 200,000$ bucks and that will take care of all your student loans and then some. So...just a thought. Maybe the don't ask-don't tell thing will serve you well for awhile.
There are a few things to think about. What do you REALLY want to be when you grow up? Because ponder this: you love English Lit and when you are older you will regret that you didn't become a high school English teacher. The pay sucks, but you will love your job. It will beat sitting around dealing with other people's personality disorders.
There will be this woman. You will meet her at a friend's party when you are almost 24. You will be so drawn to her that it will scare the hell out of you. The sex will be great, but let me tell you right now that this woman is not for you. Wasting seven years of your life with this woman will cause you to shy away from love for a long, long time. Yep, she will burn you but good. You will go from being this person who is open to love to a person who avoids it like the plague. All because of this sexual attraction to a woman who is so wrong for you in just about every way imaginable.
There is another woman. You will meet her your freshman year in college. She will be your college dorm mate. You won't be attracted to her that way. But, give her a chance. You are FAR too attracted to good looking women instead of good women. This woman is a good woman and since you will eventually end up with her when you are in your forties, maybe you should consider letting her in sooner rather than later. She will be worth it. She's not gorgeous and you are way too interested in hot looks. Get over that shit. She's a music major and when you hear her play the piano or the guitar, you will feel a little sumpin sumpin, if you simply allow yourself to do that. She has a heart of gold, a heavy brain and a protective nature. Her name is Bing and she will be the one person in the world who truly gets you.
You won't be ready to be a parent until you are 40. Raising a child is so much harder than it looks. And you simply will not be equipped with the right stuff to pull it off until you are 40. That's okay. Don't worry about the issue of having old eggs. It won't matter.
No, you are not adopted. It just feels like you are. Don't spend so much time feeling like a square peg in a round hole. Embrace that square pegness. You will find lots of friends who will become your real family. Let it go. You will never be able to please your mother no matter how hard you try. The less you let this hurt you, the better.
Your college study partner will be a man named Frederick. Stay in touch with him after college or one day in your late 40's you will regret that you didn't.
Quit smoking now. It's a nasty habit and since you will quit when you are 24 anyway, better to do it sooner rather than later.
You are fine as is. You are smarter than you think, but not nearly as wise as you think.
Dance more. Study harder. Go on that backpacking trip to Europe; you will always regret not going if you don't.
Don't dye your hair red when you are 35. It will look really, really awful.
You are a person of great value. Never stop believing that.
Love,
Maria, aged 49.
So, my question for you readers is this: If you could write a letter to your 17 year old self, what would it say?
But, our rule in the car is that the one driving gets to pick the radio station. Bing was driving and she is on this country western kick lately. She gets on music kicks. I liked her soul music kick the best so far. But, today the song Letter To Me by Brad Paisley came on. I was intrigued. It was a song about his grown up self writing a letter to his self at 17. I decided that I would blog a letter to myself. So, here goes.
Dear Maria, aged 17:
First, just breathe. You will pass that stupid math test. The one that Mom had to hire a tutor for you about. You will pass with flying colors. I promise.
You are so much prettier than you realize. You are not fat. Nope. You are just right. But, hey....your penchant for long swirly skirts will be with you forever. It isn't just a phase. And in about fifteen years, you will be diagnosed with Meniere's Syndrome and this will cause balance problems. You won't be able to wear high heels anymore, so wear the hell out of them while you can. Yes, you can pull them off. Your legs are probably your best feature.
Wear sunscreen. I know you like to look tan, but your skin is so white that too much sun exposure is really bad for you. The ozone layer will become this big freakin' issue in about ten more years and you will be glad that you didn't let yourself fry so much.
Yes, you are a lesbian. You're pretty sure you are but are really, really hoping that some boy will knock you for a loop. It won't happen. Lots of girls will knock you for a loop, though. You might want to re-think the coming out thing at Thanksgiving dinner when you are 24. Mom will disown you for it and write you out of her will. She will die when you are 35; if you wait, you will get about 200,000$ bucks and that will take care of all your student loans and then some. So...just a thought. Maybe the don't ask-don't tell thing will serve you well for awhile.
There are a few things to think about. What do you REALLY want to be when you grow up? Because ponder this: you love English Lit and when you are older you will regret that you didn't become a high school English teacher. The pay sucks, but you will love your job. It will beat sitting around dealing with other people's personality disorders.
There will be this woman. You will meet her at a friend's party when you are almost 24. You will be so drawn to her that it will scare the hell out of you. The sex will be great, but let me tell you right now that this woman is not for you. Wasting seven years of your life with this woman will cause you to shy away from love for a long, long time. Yep, she will burn you but good. You will go from being this person who is open to love to a person who avoids it like the plague. All because of this sexual attraction to a woman who is so wrong for you in just about every way imaginable.
There is another woman. You will meet her your freshman year in college. She will be your college dorm mate. You won't be attracted to her that way. But, give her a chance. You are FAR too attracted to good looking women instead of good women. This woman is a good woman and since you will eventually end up with her when you are in your forties, maybe you should consider letting her in sooner rather than later. She will be worth it. She's not gorgeous and you are way too interested in hot looks. Get over that shit. She's a music major and when you hear her play the piano or the guitar, you will feel a little sumpin sumpin, if you simply allow yourself to do that. She has a heart of gold, a heavy brain and a protective nature. Her name is Bing and she will be the one person in the world who truly gets you.
You won't be ready to be a parent until you are 40. Raising a child is so much harder than it looks. And you simply will not be equipped with the right stuff to pull it off until you are 40. That's okay. Don't worry about the issue of having old eggs. It won't matter.
No, you are not adopted. It just feels like you are. Don't spend so much time feeling like a square peg in a round hole. Embrace that square pegness. You will find lots of friends who will become your real family. Let it go. You will never be able to please your mother no matter how hard you try. The less you let this hurt you, the better.
Your college study partner will be a man named Frederick. Stay in touch with him after college or one day in your late 40's you will regret that you didn't.
Quit smoking now. It's a nasty habit and since you will quit when you are 24 anyway, better to do it sooner rather than later.
You are fine as is. You are smarter than you think, but not nearly as wise as you think.
Dance more. Study harder. Go on that backpacking trip to Europe; you will always regret not going if you don't.
Don't dye your hair red when you are 35. It will look really, really awful.
You are a person of great value. Never stop believing that.
Love,
Maria, aged 49.
So, my question for you readers is this: If you could write a letter to your 17 year old self, what would it say?
Friday, January 18, 2008
He's a Maniac (Flashdance)
Socks. Is a maniac. On the floor. In my house.
He is almost six months old. He was the biggest of his litter and is already one of the biggest scottie dogs that I have known.
He has free run of the house when we are home, now that he is housebroken. But, when we go anywhere, we have to be careful to put him on his cable in the kitchen. This gives him plenty of room to walk around but he can't leave the kitchen. Because he gets into anything and everything if we don't do this. This same dog who doesn't touch a thing while we are there except for his toys, will tear the house apart when we aren't.
So, I took Liv to school this morning and stopped at Whole Foods to pick up the goat's milk yogurt and goat's milk soap that we like. I was probably gone a total of one hour. When I put my key in the front door, I was greeted enthusiastically by Socks. Who was supposed to be on his cable in the kitchen. And wasn't. He did his usual welcome home dance, leaping with joy at the sight of me, except we were standing in the foyer, not the kitchen.
Oh, ALPHA WOMAN, you have returned!!!! My joy, my life, my favorite human on the planet!! Is it time for our walk?? I thought you'd NEVER come back. I missed you so much!! I must, must, must lick you all over!!! What? You don't look happy. You are....frowning? WHY??? Um...yeah...the cable thing. Well, I broke free. And this thing in my mouth? Oh, pay no attention to it....um...just...well, yeah, your slipper. But, hey...I have been HAVING SO MUCH FUN!! Watch me shake my head like a maniac. What? You want your slipper back? NO!! Let's play tug o' war!! YES!! This is fun!! Why do you look so mad? STOP prying my jaws open this instant!! That is so demeaning! GIVE ME BACK THAT SLIPPER!! I WAS USING IT!....Oh, wait! What is in this bag you put on the floor? Hmmm...let me take a gander...WHAT? STOP DRAGGING ME AWAY! Why do I have to go back on the cable?? NO!!!
Once I had Socks firmly attached to the cable again, I put the yogurt away and cautiously looked around the house. He had my slipper, so he must have gone into my bedroom. I walked into my bedroom to find the carefully made up bed now in disorder. My pillows looked thoroughly tromped on.
I pictured Socks having the time of his life while I was gone to this song. I could see him trouncing on my bed, his little legs pumping in a frenzy of dog joy.
I hurried into Liv's bedroom. God. Her stuffed animals...
But, he must have skipped her room or out of some dog sense of respect, stayed away. All of her stuffed animals were all sitting stiff and still on her bed. I imagined them feeling deep relief to see me. I pictured them talking to each other while Socks was on his rampage.
Do you hear that? Is that the dog??? Oh, holy shit. NOBODY MOVE! Maybe he won't notice us. SHHH! I said NOBODY MOVE!
The white damask tablecloth on the dining room table was half off. It lay half on the floor, half off. A box of peanut brittle lay precariously close to the edge of the table. Whew. Thank GOD, he hadn't found that! I imagined prying peanut brittle out of his teeth. Ick. I threw the box of it away. Should have done that weeks ago. It was a Christmas gift from one of Bing's aunts and we'd opened it but hardly any of it was gone. I don't care for it, Liv has braces and can't eat it and Bing rarely eats sweets.
I found my other slipper in the music room under the piano bench. The Persian rug was all scrunched up as if Socks had been having a great time sliding around on it. Bertie the parrot looked silently at me from his cage on the sun porch. But, bird feathers littered the floor around his cage. Socks must have terrorized him. I imagined how fun that must have been for him and how awful for poor, foul mouthed Bertie. ("Shit, you crazy dog, stop tipping my god damn cage, you complete asshat!")
Otherwise, the house seemed okay. I went back into the kitchen to confront Socks.
"You were a very bad dog!" I told him, sternly.
He wagged his tail, tipped his head, smiled his big doggy smile at me.
So, alpha woman...are you ready to take our walk?? Huh??
I shrugged, shook my head.
I went to slide my boots back on, slipped a sweater on under my coat, wrapped a muffler around my throat and found one of Liv's stocking caps to put on. By this time, Socks was leaping in anticipation, growling playfully at me, tap dancing across the wooden kitchen floor.
A walk, a walk, a walk, a walk!! It's time for our walk!! I LOVE you Alpha woman! I love, love, love you. I must lick you immediately. C'mere, you sweet thing!
I slid on my gloves and put the bright red leash on Socks. Gobbed on about two inches of this on my lips. (Try the berry explosion flavor, it is the best.) And no, I am not being paid to say that.
"Okay, now...it is fucking FREEZING out there, buddy.." I warned him.
He laughed his doggy laugh. I'm fearless! You know that! C'mon. Let's go find an adventure!
We walked outside into frigid Nebraska air. 2 degrees. Balmy. With a wind chill of something like 20 below because a stiff wind blew hard out of the north. We set out.
Socks adores snow and we had several new inches. He immediately took a running leap and rolled in it joyfully. I watched him in awe. God, this is bravery, I thought.
No, this is insanity. He is a fucking maniac, that's what he is.
Small leaves blew all around and snow blew up in spiraling swirls. He chased it all, so deep in dog joy that he didn't care that he was yanking me around like a doll as I struggled to maintain my stance on the icy sidewalks. Several cars drove by, slowing down to smile or wave. I didn't try to wave back. I needed both hands to control Socks.
One joker stopped and his window slid down. "You two make a very sweet picture," an older gentleman said, smiling broadly.
I fought the urge to tell him to go fuck himself and smiled crazily.
"He keeps me on my toes!" I said in a merry voice that I didn't feel.
One of the zippers on my boot came undone and as I leaned down to fix it, Socks decided to plant his cold wet dog face right into mine. Immediately, dog hairs stuck to my coated lips. I made a face, trying to get them off with my glove.
Socks took a massive dump. Probably a result of all that crazy dog behavior he had indulged in this morning, free of his cable. I leaned down to pick up his feces with my baggie covered hand and he decided to playfully grab the tail of my stocking hat and whip it off of my head.
DAMN!! The cold bit into my neck and ears ferociously as I waged another tug of war with Socks to get my hat back. He seemed to think we were having some fun here. He playfully snarled and shook his head, refusing to give up my hat.
I finally stopped and stood stock still. It confused him and he let go of the hat. I whipped it back up on my head before he could react again.
At last we went home.
I toweled him off and took off all my layers, my boots, coat, muffler.
I went into my bedroom and turned the electric blanket up to high. I just needed to warm up a little before I met my client this afternoon. I crawled under the covers, luxuriously stretching my toes into the warmth.
And heard toenails on the floor. Socks stood hopefully next to the bed. He knows that he is not to jump on the beds or furniture unless invited...or unless he is alone in the house.
I looked down into his beady black eyes. His tail wagged once. Hope.
"Get up here, you brat," I said, patting the bed.
He leaped up handily in one pounce and settled into the curve of my arm.
"You keep life interesting, don't you, buddy?" I asked him.
He licked my nose once and settled down for a nap. It had been quite a morning.
He is almost six months old. He was the biggest of his litter and is already one of the biggest scottie dogs that I have known.
He has free run of the house when we are home, now that he is housebroken. But, when we go anywhere, we have to be careful to put him on his cable in the kitchen. This gives him plenty of room to walk around but he can't leave the kitchen. Because he gets into anything and everything if we don't do this. This same dog who doesn't touch a thing while we are there except for his toys, will tear the house apart when we aren't.
So, I took Liv to school this morning and stopped at Whole Foods to pick up the goat's milk yogurt and goat's milk soap that we like. I was probably gone a total of one hour. When I put my key in the front door, I was greeted enthusiastically by Socks. Who was supposed to be on his cable in the kitchen. And wasn't. He did his usual welcome home dance, leaping with joy at the sight of me, except we were standing in the foyer, not the kitchen.
Oh, ALPHA WOMAN, you have returned!!!! My joy, my life, my favorite human on the planet!! Is it time for our walk?? I thought you'd NEVER come back. I missed you so much!! I must, must, must lick you all over!!! What? You don't look happy. You are....frowning? WHY??? Um...yeah...the cable thing. Well, I broke free. And this thing in my mouth? Oh, pay no attention to it....um...just...well, yeah, your slipper. But, hey...I have been HAVING SO MUCH FUN!! Watch me shake my head like a maniac. What? You want your slipper back? NO!! Let's play tug o' war!! YES!! This is fun!! Why do you look so mad? STOP prying my jaws open this instant!! That is so demeaning! GIVE ME BACK THAT SLIPPER!! I WAS USING IT!....Oh, wait! What is in this bag you put on the floor? Hmmm...let me take a gander...WHAT? STOP DRAGGING ME AWAY! Why do I have to go back on the cable?? NO!!!
Once I had Socks firmly attached to the cable again, I put the yogurt away and cautiously looked around the house. He had my slipper, so he must have gone into my bedroom. I walked into my bedroom to find the carefully made up bed now in disorder. My pillows looked thoroughly tromped on.
I pictured Socks having the time of his life while I was gone to this song. I could see him trouncing on my bed, his little legs pumping in a frenzy of dog joy.
I hurried into Liv's bedroom. God. Her stuffed animals...
But, he must have skipped her room or out of some dog sense of respect, stayed away. All of her stuffed animals were all sitting stiff and still on her bed. I imagined them feeling deep relief to see me. I pictured them talking to each other while Socks was on his rampage.
Do you hear that? Is that the dog??? Oh, holy shit. NOBODY MOVE! Maybe he won't notice us. SHHH! I said NOBODY MOVE!
The white damask tablecloth on the dining room table was half off. It lay half on the floor, half off. A box of peanut brittle lay precariously close to the edge of the table. Whew. Thank GOD, he hadn't found that! I imagined prying peanut brittle out of his teeth. Ick. I threw the box of it away. Should have done that weeks ago. It was a Christmas gift from one of Bing's aunts and we'd opened it but hardly any of it was gone. I don't care for it, Liv has braces and can't eat it and Bing rarely eats sweets.
I found my other slipper in the music room under the piano bench. The Persian rug was all scrunched up as if Socks had been having a great time sliding around on it. Bertie the parrot looked silently at me from his cage on the sun porch. But, bird feathers littered the floor around his cage. Socks must have terrorized him. I imagined how fun that must have been for him and how awful for poor, foul mouthed Bertie. ("Shit, you crazy dog, stop tipping my god damn cage, you complete asshat!")
Otherwise, the house seemed okay. I went back into the kitchen to confront Socks.
"You were a very bad dog!" I told him, sternly.
He wagged his tail, tipped his head, smiled his big doggy smile at me.
So, alpha woman...are you ready to take our walk?? Huh??
I shrugged, shook my head.
I went to slide my boots back on, slipped a sweater on under my coat, wrapped a muffler around my throat and found one of Liv's stocking caps to put on. By this time, Socks was leaping in anticipation, growling playfully at me, tap dancing across the wooden kitchen floor.
A walk, a walk, a walk, a walk!! It's time for our walk!! I LOVE you Alpha woman! I love, love, love you. I must lick you immediately. C'mere, you sweet thing!
I slid on my gloves and put the bright red leash on Socks. Gobbed on about two inches of this on my lips. (Try the berry explosion flavor, it is the best.) And no, I am not being paid to say that.
"Okay, now...it is fucking FREEZING out there, buddy.." I warned him.
He laughed his doggy laugh. I'm fearless! You know that! C'mon. Let's go find an adventure!
We walked outside into frigid Nebraska air. 2 degrees. Balmy. With a wind chill of something like 20 below because a stiff wind blew hard out of the north. We set out.
Socks adores snow and we had several new inches. He immediately took a running leap and rolled in it joyfully. I watched him in awe. God, this is bravery, I thought.
No, this is insanity. He is a fucking maniac, that's what he is.
Small leaves blew all around and snow blew up in spiraling swirls. He chased it all, so deep in dog joy that he didn't care that he was yanking me around like a doll as I struggled to maintain my stance on the icy sidewalks. Several cars drove by, slowing down to smile or wave. I didn't try to wave back. I needed both hands to control Socks.
One joker stopped and his window slid down. "You two make a very sweet picture," an older gentleman said, smiling broadly.
I fought the urge to tell him to go fuck himself and smiled crazily.
"He keeps me on my toes!" I said in a merry voice that I didn't feel.
One of the zippers on my boot came undone and as I leaned down to fix it, Socks decided to plant his cold wet dog face right into mine. Immediately, dog hairs stuck to my coated lips. I made a face, trying to get them off with my glove.
Socks took a massive dump. Probably a result of all that crazy dog behavior he had indulged in this morning, free of his cable. I leaned down to pick up his feces with my baggie covered hand and he decided to playfully grab the tail of my stocking hat and whip it off of my head.
DAMN!! The cold bit into my neck and ears ferociously as I waged another tug of war with Socks to get my hat back. He seemed to think we were having some fun here. He playfully snarled and shook his head, refusing to give up my hat.
I finally stopped and stood stock still. It confused him and he let go of the hat. I whipped it back up on my head before he could react again.
At last we went home.
I toweled him off and took off all my layers, my boots, coat, muffler.
I went into my bedroom and turned the electric blanket up to high. I just needed to warm up a little before I met my client this afternoon. I crawled under the covers, luxuriously stretching my toes into the warmth.
And heard toenails on the floor. Socks stood hopefully next to the bed. He knows that he is not to jump on the beds or furniture unless invited...or unless he is alone in the house.
I looked down into his beady black eyes. His tail wagged once. Hope.
"Get up here, you brat," I said, patting the bed.
He leaped up handily in one pounce and settled into the curve of my arm.
"You keep life interesting, don't you, buddy?" I asked him.
He licked my nose once and settled down for a nap. It had been quite a morning.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
I need something good to happen.
January is not my favorite month. The cold seems almost unbearable. I always question why I live in Nebraska when January comes around. I am so over snow. Now it seems insidious, like it is out to make my life complicated. Snow makes my whole body hurt when I have to drive in it.
I drove home in a near blizzard last night. It took me an hour and ten minutes to drive what is generally a fifteen minute jaunt. The car was warm and toasty, making me sleepy and a little nauseated, but whenever I shut off the heater, it became icy cold within minutes. It seemed as if I had two choices: either sweat to death or freeze.
I maneuvered the car into our supposedly two car garage. This is someone's idea of a bad joke. In order to fit both car and van, we need to have nothing else in the garage. No garbage cans, no recycling bins, no snow blower, no rakes, nothing. I reasoned that Bing would need to get the snow blower out the next morning, so I tried to park accordingly. There is a trick to it, you have to pull up just far enough so that it can be slid out, but still leave enough room for the garage door to close properly. Then, once settled, the doors can only be opened half way and you must sort of slide out like a sausage. One's coat always slides against the dirty vehicles. It is inevitable. The door to the house can only be opened half way as well, so I have learned to slide in sideways, with one hand holding my briefcase out in front of me the other my purse or any bags that I have with me.
Once inside, it is hard not to be crabby. It is freakin cold outside, so frigid that even with my gloves on, my fingers are stiff and achy. My glasses immediately fog up in the warmth of the kitchen while Socks jumps all over me trying to talk to me in dog words.
I'm so glad you're home!! Wanna play? Can I have a dog cookie? I must lick you right this second!! I love you, alpha woman!! I love you so much!!! And woman, I have to pee so bad I can taste it. Those other two never listen to me when I say I need to go out.
If Bing would act this way once in awhile, life would be so interesting.
Instead, she and Liv immediately pepper me with questions.
Liv: Do you think we'll get a snow day tomorrow? Because it looks like a LOT of snow to me. Can I have a play date with Willa tomorrow if we DO have school? I need help on my state capitols. I have a test on Friday. Bing said that you would be happy to help me when you got home, that she had some tests to correct and couldn't help me. How come you are so late?
Bing: (at the same time as Liv) Wow. I TOLD you it was slick out, didn't I? I was starting to get worried but didn't want to call your cell if you were driving. Maybe you could call at a stop light or something so I won't worry? God, I bet we don't get a snow day out of this. Not enough snow. Only about four inches, I think. We already ate, I didn't save you any because I know you don't like fish. Hey, maybe you could take your boots off? You're dripping all over the floor...
It. Makes. Me. Want. To. Scream.
I just fucking walked in the door! Can you ALL just give me some space? Has anyone taken the dog out? I can see not because he is dancing all over the place. Does anyone except me know that this means that he has to go?
So, I let the dog out. I come back in and quiz Liv on her state capitols while I eat a bowl of cereal with one hand and hold her geography book in the other. Socks nestles in and lays across my feet. Then I call Willa's mother and arrange a play date for the girls if there is school. Bing keeps getting up and looking out the window and reporting to me that it looks "iffy" out there. I know she and Liv would really love a snow day tomorrow.
What I want is for it to stop snowing. Now would be good. And stop that wind from howling all around the house. It makes me feel creepy and stuck and worried.
I get Liv in the bathtub and while I am washing her, Bing comes in and asks if I can proofread a complaint letter that she is writing to the mortuary (the parking lot was dangerously icy and there were lots of old ladies tottering around at Harriet's sister's wake.) I sit back on my heels and peruse the letter quickly, point out a run on sentence which she challenges me about.
Finally, Liv is in bed and I decide to take a quick bath and go to bed. Bing is disappointed. She has taped an entire episode of Deal of No Deal because Ellen DeGeneres was on and it was so funny and she thought we could watch it together....
I take the bath and sit shivering on the sofa in my flannel nightgown and watch this insipid show that is only marginally more tolerable because Ellen is on it. She is dressed up as one of the models and has lots of funny bits but I am tired and cranky. My back hurts. I just want to go to bed, dude. Of course, the woman trying to win money makes a really bad call and says "No deal!" to 197,000$ in the hopes of maybe winning a million dollars. The million gets knocked out and she is left with a much smaller amount. Jaysus, I think, how dumb and greedy these people are....
I kiss Bing goodnight and think to myself that I wish I had something to look forward to. Like a movie that I am dying to see, a book that I can't put down or even just some warmer weather. I think that I really need to dust. There is a dusty layer on my dresser and all over the house. I think that if I had been on Deal or No Deal, I would have taken the 197,000$ and come home and hired a maid service lickety split. I'm no fool.
I have the January Blues. The excitement(?) of Christmas is over. The next couple of months will be nothing but brutally cold weather. I am so sick of being cold. I'm sick of everything right now. Sick of walking the dog and sick of helping with homework. (And WHY do we need to know the capitols of the states? Do I really give a fat fuck that Dover is the capitol of Delaware?)
I want to eat a cookie and I can't because I ate like a pig all of December and now I have to lose some of this ass.
I'm tired of my life. I think that maybe I would rather have Julia Roberts' one. Well, not the twins. Not the husband. Maybe just her money. I think about one of the moms in Liv's school. She is a stay at home mom and she just got a new car that she says they paid cash for. Her husband surprised her with it because she "loves, loves, loves" the new metallic green colors that are coming out. I can't imagine having so much money that I could just buy a car because I liked the color. I would be happy to just be able to buy a book at the bookstore without turning it over to check the price.
I chastise myself. Tell myself to be grateful for what I have. I am not Harriet. I do not have to raise my dead sister's children. I have a nice home, a great child, a good partner in Bing. (I think this grudgingly because I am annoyed that she seemed to have plenty of time to goof around on her guitar but not enough time to help Liv with her homework so I could catch a break.)
Bing comes to bed and we drift off to sleep with her hogging the blankets and her legs going into their restless-leg-syndrome dance after she falls asleep.
Today, I wake up to slamming cupboards in the kitchen. This can only mean one thing. School has not been canceled and Bing is crabby about it. I get up and she is putting on her heavy coat, getting ready to go snowblow the driveway. I offer to help and she says no, that it is a one person job and too cold for me to be out shoveling.
"Your back can't handle shoveling," she says. I hear just a touch of annoyance in her voice. Like me, she has her own resentments.
She goes outside and I stay in and go in to break the news to Liv that yes, there is school today. She throws the covers over her head. NOOOOOOOOO.
Yes. Get up.
I start to make her breakfast and Bing comes in from snowblowing. She stamps her feet on the rug by the door. Socks comes streaming in behind her, his black fur covered in snow. He loves nothing more than rolling in it. He shakes himself hard while Bing stamps her feet and Liv and I cringe and back away.
Bing looks murderous.
She turns to me and says, "God, What do I have to do to get you to park that car better? I could barely get the snow blower out! This isn't brain surgery! WHY can't you seem to master this simple thing???"
Well, the brain surgery remark sets my teeth on edge and I glare back at her.
"I did it on purpose," I say quietly, looking around to make sure that Liv has gone back to her room. "I love nothing more than being screamed at in the early morning hours."
Bing sighs. Apologizes. Says she knows that I "do the best I can."
I hate January.
Sorry to be such a bitch, but I really, really need something good to happen today.
I drove home in a near blizzard last night. It took me an hour and ten minutes to drive what is generally a fifteen minute jaunt. The car was warm and toasty, making me sleepy and a little nauseated, but whenever I shut off the heater, it became icy cold within minutes. It seemed as if I had two choices: either sweat to death or freeze.
I maneuvered the car into our supposedly two car garage. This is someone's idea of a bad joke. In order to fit both car and van, we need to have nothing else in the garage. No garbage cans, no recycling bins, no snow blower, no rakes, nothing. I reasoned that Bing would need to get the snow blower out the next morning, so I tried to park accordingly. There is a trick to it, you have to pull up just far enough so that it can be slid out, but still leave enough room for the garage door to close properly. Then, once settled, the doors can only be opened half way and you must sort of slide out like a sausage. One's coat always slides against the dirty vehicles. It is inevitable. The door to the house can only be opened half way as well, so I have learned to slide in sideways, with one hand holding my briefcase out in front of me the other my purse or any bags that I have with me.
Once inside, it is hard not to be crabby. It is freakin cold outside, so frigid that even with my gloves on, my fingers are stiff and achy. My glasses immediately fog up in the warmth of the kitchen while Socks jumps all over me trying to talk to me in dog words.
I'm so glad you're home!! Wanna play? Can I have a dog cookie? I must lick you right this second!! I love you, alpha woman!! I love you so much!!! And woman, I have to pee so bad I can taste it. Those other two never listen to me when I say I need to go out.
If Bing would act this way once in awhile, life would be so interesting.
Instead, she and Liv immediately pepper me with questions.
Liv: Do you think we'll get a snow day tomorrow? Because it looks like a LOT of snow to me. Can I have a play date with Willa tomorrow if we DO have school? I need help on my state capitols. I have a test on Friday. Bing said that you would be happy to help me when you got home, that she had some tests to correct and couldn't help me. How come you are so late?
Bing: (at the same time as Liv) Wow. I TOLD you it was slick out, didn't I? I was starting to get worried but didn't want to call your cell if you were driving. Maybe you could call at a stop light or something so I won't worry? God, I bet we don't get a snow day out of this. Not enough snow. Only about four inches, I think. We already ate, I didn't save you any because I know you don't like fish. Hey, maybe you could take your boots off? You're dripping all over the floor...
It. Makes. Me. Want. To. Scream.
I just fucking walked in the door! Can you ALL just give me some space? Has anyone taken the dog out? I can see not because he is dancing all over the place. Does anyone except me know that this means that he has to go?
So, I let the dog out. I come back in and quiz Liv on her state capitols while I eat a bowl of cereal with one hand and hold her geography book in the other. Socks nestles in and lays across my feet. Then I call Willa's mother and arrange a play date for the girls if there is school. Bing keeps getting up and looking out the window and reporting to me that it looks "iffy" out there. I know she and Liv would really love a snow day tomorrow.
What I want is for it to stop snowing. Now would be good. And stop that wind from howling all around the house. It makes me feel creepy and stuck and worried.
I get Liv in the bathtub and while I am washing her, Bing comes in and asks if I can proofread a complaint letter that she is writing to the mortuary (the parking lot was dangerously icy and there were lots of old ladies tottering around at Harriet's sister's wake.) I sit back on my heels and peruse the letter quickly, point out a run on sentence which she challenges me about.
Finally, Liv is in bed and I decide to take a quick bath and go to bed. Bing is disappointed. She has taped an entire episode of Deal of No Deal because Ellen DeGeneres was on and it was so funny and she thought we could watch it together....
I take the bath and sit shivering on the sofa in my flannel nightgown and watch this insipid show that is only marginally more tolerable because Ellen is on it. She is dressed up as one of the models and has lots of funny bits but I am tired and cranky. My back hurts. I just want to go to bed, dude. Of course, the woman trying to win money makes a really bad call and says "No deal!" to 197,000$ in the hopes of maybe winning a million dollars. The million gets knocked out and she is left with a much smaller amount. Jaysus, I think, how dumb and greedy these people are....
I kiss Bing goodnight and think to myself that I wish I had something to look forward to. Like a movie that I am dying to see, a book that I can't put down or even just some warmer weather. I think that I really need to dust. There is a dusty layer on my dresser and all over the house. I think that if I had been on Deal or No Deal, I would have taken the 197,000$ and come home and hired a maid service lickety split. I'm no fool.
I have the January Blues. The excitement(?) of Christmas is over. The next couple of months will be nothing but brutally cold weather. I am so sick of being cold. I'm sick of everything right now. Sick of walking the dog and sick of helping with homework. (And WHY do we need to know the capitols of the states? Do I really give a fat fuck that Dover is the capitol of Delaware?)
I want to eat a cookie and I can't because I ate like a pig all of December and now I have to lose some of this ass.
I'm tired of my life. I think that maybe I would rather have Julia Roberts' one. Well, not the twins. Not the husband. Maybe just her money. I think about one of the moms in Liv's school. She is a stay at home mom and she just got a new car that she says they paid cash for. Her husband surprised her with it because she "loves, loves, loves" the new metallic green colors that are coming out. I can't imagine having so much money that I could just buy a car because I liked the color. I would be happy to just be able to buy a book at the bookstore without turning it over to check the price.
I chastise myself. Tell myself to be grateful for what I have. I am not Harriet. I do not have to raise my dead sister's children. I have a nice home, a great child, a good partner in Bing. (I think this grudgingly because I am annoyed that she seemed to have plenty of time to goof around on her guitar but not enough time to help Liv with her homework so I could catch a break.)
Bing comes to bed and we drift off to sleep with her hogging the blankets and her legs going into their restless-leg-syndrome dance after she falls asleep.
Today, I wake up to slamming cupboards in the kitchen. This can only mean one thing. School has not been canceled and Bing is crabby about it. I get up and she is putting on her heavy coat, getting ready to go snowblow the driveway. I offer to help and she says no, that it is a one person job and too cold for me to be out shoveling.
"Your back can't handle shoveling," she says. I hear just a touch of annoyance in her voice. Like me, she has her own resentments.
She goes outside and I stay in and go in to break the news to Liv that yes, there is school today. She throws the covers over her head. NOOOOOOOOO.
Yes. Get up.
I start to make her breakfast and Bing comes in from snowblowing. She stamps her feet on the rug by the door. Socks comes streaming in behind her, his black fur covered in snow. He loves nothing more than rolling in it. He shakes himself hard while Bing stamps her feet and Liv and I cringe and back away.
Bing looks murderous.
She turns to me and says, "God, What do I have to do to get you to park that car better? I could barely get the snow blower out! This isn't brain surgery! WHY can't you seem to master this simple thing???"
Well, the brain surgery remark sets my teeth on edge and I glare back at her.
"I did it on purpose," I say quietly, looking around to make sure that Liv has gone back to her room. "I love nothing more than being screamed at in the early morning hours."
Bing sighs. Apologizes. Says she knows that I "do the best I can."
I hate January.
Sorry to be such a bitch, but I really, really need something good to happen today.
Monday, January 14, 2008
Creepy peeper takes a walk with me
I know, I know...this will get a lot of those hits.
I take Socks, the puppy for a walk every weekday morning after I get home from taking Liv to school.
We tend to take the same route lately because we've had lots of snow and I take the paths of least resistance: those that are shoveled.
So, I was out walking Socks, we were jauntily walking around when suddenly a grown man leapt out of the bushes and screamed, BOO!! at me.
Besides nearly wetting my pants, I also nearly slipped on a patch of ice.
I recognized him immediately, but that did not stop me from yelling at him.
"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING????"
He had the audacity to smile bashfully at me.
"Um, I thought you'd laugh, you know?"
"No, I don't. That was a stupid move on so many levels. I don't know you well. You are a man and jumping out at a woman is a scary thing to do, even if you are kidding around. It was a dirty trick. I also have a DOG. For all you know, Killer could have maimed you..."
"Your dog is called Killer?" he asked, looking down at Socks, who after one yelp, was looking back and forth at our conversation worriedly.
This man, while not a perfect stranger to me, was not a friend either. He had moved into the house down the street from us in early December and I had smiled and said hello once when he was getting into his car one afternoon and Socks and I were walking by. I had said something to the tune of "welcome to the neighborhood." I had planned to ask our neighborhood gossips, Ben and Jerry, about him as soon as they got home from their skiing trip to Switzerland. I had seen an older man come out to get the mail, so wondered if they were lovers...or what. The younger one DID look sort of fey...
And now he was standing in front of me looking all aw..shucks, ma'am.
He held out his hand and introduced himself as Daryl. I gave him a wet fish handshake and turned to walk away. He called after me to see if I wanted to come in for coffee, to "take a load off." I told him that I didn't know him and thus, was not going to come into his house.
He then asked if I would wait for him to go inside and put a hat and gloves on and maybe he could join me on the walk, have a get-to-know-your-neighbor talk. I sighed and agreed. It just felt like a bad idea right from the start.
He joined me.
The first thing he did was point to the OBAMA pin on my coat.
"So, you're an Obama fan?" he asked. "I have seen you in three different coats and they all have three different buttons: Hillary, Obama and Kuchinich."
I told him that I was still mulling the matter over, unable to make up my mind. Until I did, I would wear all three.
"Sometimes you wear the long black wool coat you have on now," he said. "Other times you wear that red parka with the Hillary button and then you also have a blue coat with a Kuchinich button. You also wear different hats, scarves and gloves."
I gave him a look.
"Watching me pretty closely, are you?" I asked him.
He blushed. "Uh...well..you just always walk past my house and I have started taken to looking for you."
I nodded. I asked him how he liked living in his house, that a guy named Raul used to live there but that he had moved to a warmer climate.
"Raul?" he asked, his eyebrows raised. "The previous owner was named Raul? The name on the papers said Ralph."
I shrugged. Said I knew him as Raul.
"Well," he said, "that explains why the kitchen smelled like rancid bacon. Those um...spaniards sure like to cook with lots of grease..."
I was fairly certain that I was not going to like this new neighbor.
I asked him how he was liking his new house.
"I live with my Dad," he told me, huffing a little. I wondered if he was a smoker or just out of shape. I mean, I wasn't jogging.
"Our wives left us this summer," Daryl went on, "and we decided to just move in together and share the bills. We own a bar downtown. Dad does the ten to six shift and I take the six to two one."
"Oh..." I said. "I thought you might be partners. I guess not."
He looked shocked. "You thought I was light in the loafers?"
I smirked. Light in the loafers??? Good lord. Was this Archie Bunker?
"Well, I guess you aren't..." I said, smiling. This could get fun.
He puffed his chest and chin out. "I am certainly not one of those guys," he said, making his wrist go limp in front of him. "But, the guys that live in this house," he said, pointing to Ben and Jerry's place. "They's fags, I think. And one of them is as black as tar!" He shook his head as if the mere thought sickened him.
"Yeah," I told him. "Ben and Jerry are gay men and they are great fellas."
"So," he went on, "I'm guessing you are a democrat?"
I smiled. A genius right here on my block. Nodded.
"I'm a Mitt man myself," he said.
No kidding. Imagine my shock and surprise....
Socks had been staying close to me, not barking or anything, but not showing any signs of his usual affable self with strangers. I stopped to let him shit and then picked it up with the baggie in my pocket. Daryl watched me with a slight expression of disgust on his face.
I stood back up. "I'm not a Mitt Romney supporter," I told him. "Actually, I think he is sort of a jackass, but my sister is a big fan. And I think that the better part of this state agrees with both of you that he would be a good president."
Daryl smiled at me in what I thought was a pretty greasy way. Everything about him just seemed sort of slick, sort of oiled.
"Wanna know a secret?" he asked.
"Nope," I answered.
He laughed. " Today's your lucky day because I've decided that I like you," he said. "You're a funny gal, kind of smart too, I bet."
Kind of? Wow.
"Well, I'll tell you anyways," he went on. "I've had my eyes on you for a long time." He used two fingers to point at his eyes and then one to point at me.
I stopped so fast that Socks ran into my leg.
"Pardon me?" I said.
He was looking all bashful again, like the shy farmer in a sappy Sandra Dee movie. Except I'm no Sandra Dee. I'm more like a vampire queen.
"I've watched you take that pup for a walk every day and every day, I told myself that tomorrow I would talk to you and well, today is tomorrow. One day I followed you," he said. I didn't like the way he was looking at me.
HE FOLLOWED ME??? Jaysus Christ. Do I have some sort of marker on me that makes me attractive to creepy peepers? The next thing I knew he would pull out the blueprints of my fucking house.
"Listen up," I told him. "I don't want you following me. I am not interested. I have a partner. In fact, let's just part company right here."
I turned to walk away. He caught up with me.
"Hey,now, hold on there, little sister," he said.
Little sister?
Jumping jeeping willikers.
I stopped.
"So, what do you mean you have a partner?" he asked, his eyes small. Actually, now that I thought about it, his eyes looked positively piggy.
"I'm a lesbian," I said.
"Do what?"
I sighed. "A lesbian," I repeated. "You know, "light in the loafers" as you say, or maybe you would call me a rug muncher, a carpet licker, a dyke, a lesbo, a crack snaker, a fluff, a honeypot, a kiki...."
He looked bewildered and then suspicious.
"Like I haven't heard that excuse before..." he finally said.
I looked at him, incredulous and then, I fought a huge urge to laugh. Because this made SO much sense. I could just see straight woman after straight woman thinking to herself, how do I shake this guy? and then deciding to tell him that she was gay.
"I'm gay and I have a partner," I said. "And you are not to follow me again, do you understand? Because I'm not interested and it creeps me out to think of you peeping at me and then following me, okay?"
"Well, if that don't beat all," he finally said. "Here you thought that I was a fag and I'm not and I thought you was a normal woman and you're not. Don't worry, I won't be paying you no more mind. I'm not interested in deviants."
"C'mon, Killer," I said to Socks. "Let's get moving before I change my mind and have you tear this man's butt off..."
I walked away, but not before I heard him mutter, "Bitch...lezzy bitch." I wasn't scared, really. I know everyone in this neighborhood and we'd barely walked a block. But, still. Great. A bigot on my block. He was going to have some issues since we are a pretty diversified group.
Welcome to the neighborhood, Daryl. For once in your life, you may just have to see how it feels to be a round peg in a square hole. And keep your creepy peepers off of me.
I take Socks, the puppy for a walk every weekday morning after I get home from taking Liv to school.
We tend to take the same route lately because we've had lots of snow and I take the paths of least resistance: those that are shoveled.
So, I was out walking Socks, we were jauntily walking around when suddenly a grown man leapt out of the bushes and screamed, BOO!! at me.
Besides nearly wetting my pants, I also nearly slipped on a patch of ice.
I recognized him immediately, but that did not stop me from yelling at him.
"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING????"
He had the audacity to smile bashfully at me.
"Um, I thought you'd laugh, you know?"
"No, I don't. That was a stupid move on so many levels. I don't know you well. You are a man and jumping out at a woman is a scary thing to do, even if you are kidding around. It was a dirty trick. I also have a DOG. For all you know, Killer could have maimed you..."
"Your dog is called Killer?" he asked, looking down at Socks, who after one yelp, was looking back and forth at our conversation worriedly.
This man, while not a perfect stranger to me, was not a friend either. He had moved into the house down the street from us in early December and I had smiled and said hello once when he was getting into his car one afternoon and Socks and I were walking by. I had said something to the tune of "welcome to the neighborhood." I had planned to ask our neighborhood gossips, Ben and Jerry, about him as soon as they got home from their skiing trip to Switzerland. I had seen an older man come out to get the mail, so wondered if they were lovers...or what. The younger one DID look sort of fey...
And now he was standing in front of me looking all aw..shucks, ma'am.
He held out his hand and introduced himself as Daryl. I gave him a wet fish handshake and turned to walk away. He called after me to see if I wanted to come in for coffee, to "take a load off." I told him that I didn't know him and thus, was not going to come into his house.
He then asked if I would wait for him to go inside and put a hat and gloves on and maybe he could join me on the walk, have a get-to-know-your-neighbor talk. I sighed and agreed. It just felt like a bad idea right from the start.
He joined me.
The first thing he did was point to the OBAMA pin on my coat.
"So, you're an Obama fan?" he asked. "I have seen you in three different coats and they all have three different buttons: Hillary, Obama and Kuchinich."
I told him that I was still mulling the matter over, unable to make up my mind. Until I did, I would wear all three.
"Sometimes you wear the long black wool coat you have on now," he said. "Other times you wear that red parka with the Hillary button and then you also have a blue coat with a Kuchinich button. You also wear different hats, scarves and gloves."
I gave him a look.
"Watching me pretty closely, are you?" I asked him.
He blushed. "Uh...well..you just always walk past my house and I have started taken to looking for you."
I nodded. I asked him how he liked living in his house, that a guy named Raul used to live there but that he had moved to a warmer climate.
"Raul?" he asked, his eyebrows raised. "The previous owner was named Raul? The name on the papers said Ralph."
I shrugged. Said I knew him as Raul.
"Well," he said, "that explains why the kitchen smelled like rancid bacon. Those um...spaniards sure like to cook with lots of grease..."
I was fairly certain that I was not going to like this new neighbor.
I asked him how he was liking his new house.
"I live with my Dad," he told me, huffing a little. I wondered if he was a smoker or just out of shape. I mean, I wasn't jogging.
"Our wives left us this summer," Daryl went on, "and we decided to just move in together and share the bills. We own a bar downtown. Dad does the ten to six shift and I take the six to two one."
"Oh..." I said. "I thought you might be partners. I guess not."
He looked shocked. "You thought I was light in the loafers?"
I smirked. Light in the loafers??? Good lord. Was this Archie Bunker?
"Well, I guess you aren't..." I said, smiling. This could get fun.
He puffed his chest and chin out. "I am certainly not one of those guys," he said, making his wrist go limp in front of him. "But, the guys that live in this house," he said, pointing to Ben and Jerry's place. "They's fags, I think. And one of them is as black as tar!" He shook his head as if the mere thought sickened him.
"Yeah," I told him. "Ben and Jerry are gay men and they are great fellas."
"So," he went on, "I'm guessing you are a democrat?"
I smiled. A genius right here on my block. Nodded.
"I'm a Mitt man myself," he said.
No kidding. Imagine my shock and surprise....
Socks had been staying close to me, not barking or anything, but not showing any signs of his usual affable self with strangers. I stopped to let him shit and then picked it up with the baggie in my pocket. Daryl watched me with a slight expression of disgust on his face.
I stood back up. "I'm not a Mitt Romney supporter," I told him. "Actually, I think he is sort of a jackass, but my sister is a big fan. And I think that the better part of this state agrees with both of you that he would be a good president."
Daryl smiled at me in what I thought was a pretty greasy way. Everything about him just seemed sort of slick, sort of oiled.
"Wanna know a secret?" he asked.
"Nope," I answered.
He laughed. " Today's your lucky day because I've decided that I like you," he said. "You're a funny gal, kind of smart too, I bet."
Kind of? Wow.
"Well, I'll tell you anyways," he went on. "I've had my eyes on you for a long time." He used two fingers to point at his eyes and then one to point at me.
I stopped so fast that Socks ran into my leg.
"Pardon me?" I said.
He was looking all bashful again, like the shy farmer in a sappy Sandra Dee movie. Except I'm no Sandra Dee. I'm more like a vampire queen.
"I've watched you take that pup for a walk every day and every day, I told myself that tomorrow I would talk to you and well, today is tomorrow. One day I followed you," he said. I didn't like the way he was looking at me.
HE FOLLOWED ME??? Jaysus Christ. Do I have some sort of marker on me that makes me attractive to creepy peepers? The next thing I knew he would pull out the blueprints of my fucking house.
"Listen up," I told him. "I don't want you following me. I am not interested. I have a partner. In fact, let's just part company right here."
I turned to walk away. He caught up with me.
"Hey,now, hold on there, little sister," he said.
Little sister?
Jumping jeeping willikers.
I stopped.
"So, what do you mean you have a partner?" he asked, his eyes small. Actually, now that I thought about it, his eyes looked positively piggy.
"I'm a lesbian," I said.
"Do what?"
I sighed. "A lesbian," I repeated. "You know, "light in the loafers" as you say, or maybe you would call me a rug muncher, a carpet licker, a dyke, a lesbo, a crack snaker, a fluff, a honeypot, a kiki...."
He looked bewildered and then suspicious.
"Like I haven't heard that excuse before..." he finally said.
I looked at him, incredulous and then, I fought a huge urge to laugh. Because this made SO much sense. I could just see straight woman after straight woman thinking to herself, how do I shake this guy? and then deciding to tell him that she was gay.
"I'm gay and I have a partner," I said. "And you are not to follow me again, do you understand? Because I'm not interested and it creeps me out to think of you peeping at me and then following me, okay?"
"Well, if that don't beat all," he finally said. "Here you thought that I was a fag and I'm not and I thought you was a normal woman and you're not. Don't worry, I won't be paying you no more mind. I'm not interested in deviants."
"C'mon, Killer," I said to Socks. "Let's get moving before I change my mind and have you tear this man's butt off..."
I walked away, but not before I heard him mutter, "Bitch...lezzy bitch." I wasn't scared, really. I know everyone in this neighborhood and we'd barely walked a block. But, still. Great. A bigot on my block. He was going to have some issues since we are a pretty diversified group.
Welcome to the neighborhood, Daryl. For once in your life, you may just have to see how it feels to be a round peg in a square hole. And keep your creepy peepers off of me.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
This and that...more bits floating around in my brain called Brian.
I have named my brain Brian. It seems that every time I try to type the word brain lately, I inadvertently type the word brian.
So, brian it is. My brain is named Brian. My brain joins my boobs which are named saucy and sassy and my vagina which Bing and I call Miss Juliet. There is no reason for these names, no funny story, just what they are called. I have cutesy names for Bing's parts as well, but she would probably die of dyke embarrassment if I shared their names. It makes for some truly interesting talk between us, though, that others would most likely find very puzzling.
Do you think Miss Juliet would like some attention tonight? Because I think it is time she took a nice, long walkabout, honey.... This is said in a fake Aussie accent that Bing uses sometimes. I have no idea why, it isn't as if I get super turned on by Aussie girls or anything, it is just one of those dumb couple moments that are really funny and sweet until you try to write them out in a blog.
But, my new brain name is brian. This doesn't surprise me as I have often been told that I think like a man, whatever the hell that means.
Anyone read The Atlantic? Two great articles in there this month. One is called The Angriest Man In Television about David Simon, the creator of The Wire. The other one is a hilarious piece called Frankly...., a Berlitz guide to Washington English.
Examples:
"I don't pay attention to the polls" translates into My job approval rating is 32 percent.
"It's time to stop playing politics" translates into My party has a winning political issue.
Both are just brilliant. And worth a look-see.
I have spent a lot of time in bookstores and in theaters over the holidays and I have decided that their marketing is totally off. Every goddamn bookstore I have been in is overheated to the point of making customers feel as if they are smothering. I mean, think about it, when you go into a bookstore, there is nowhere to put your coat, really, so you end up wearing it. It gets hot. You stand in one place a lot with your head sideways looking at jacket covers. And many bookstores have the added measure of making coffee on the premises. The coffee smell makes it feel rather cozy but then, you add being hot and standing around tilting your head to that equation and it makes you nauseated. They need to turn the heat down a bit.
And it is just the opposite in theaters. It is always as cold as a witch's tit in a theater. Even in the summer. In the summer, you walk in and all the sweat rolling down your back and legs instantly fast freezes. Most people have sandals on and you spend the entire movie time wiggling your toes to keep them in circulation and wishing that you had brought a sweater for your sleeveless shirt. In the winter, you can sit with your coat on, but who wants to eat greasy popcorn wearing a coat?
Today, Bing, Liv and I went to see The Bucket List. It was so-so, a bit on the sappy side for Brian's taste. But, it was cold as ice inside the theater. Liv ended up curling into a small ball in my lap while I briskly rubbed her arms with my gloved hands. She had her hat with the fur on it too and it kept rubbing my chin in a decidedly itchy way. Bing whispered to me that what we really needed was an electric blanket.
I would just get dvds instead, except that I dislike watching films at home. I like the big screen experience and if I watch something at home, the phone always rings and I feel compelled to answer it or I notice that the dishwasher is done and it is a boring part, so I get up and take care of it and by then, I have lost the main thread of what is happening.
The only problem in theaters is that you have to watch the movie with strangers. Some of them act like they were born in a barn.
So...my list of rants about bad theater patrons:
1) If you have a bee hive hairdo, do NOT sit in front of a child unless there is nowhere else to sit in the theater.
2) You are not in your living room. So, if you bring your own popcorn, fine...I hate how expensive movie treats are too, but open the bag BEFORE the movie begins. Do not noisily open a brown paper bag during the main scene in the movie where we are being introduced to the characters.
3) Again, you are not in your living room. Do not arrange to meet your cousins there and then stand up and wave your arms wildly shouting, "We're over here, Joan!!" once the movie has started. And when Joan finally gets to you (after commenting loudly that is "so freakin dark in here that I can't see an ever lovin' thing!") don't ask her how her weekend has been so far. No one around you cares about Joan's weekend and we are trying to watch the movie.
4) Once more, with feeling, You are not in your living room. If you have a child, do not let him/her walk up and down the aisles by herself or wander through the rows by him or herself. If the child is cranky, TAKE THEM OUT OF THE ROOM. I'm sorry if you miss the best part. If you stay and the kid is bawling or screeching, everyone else misses the best part too. Sorry, but you were dumb enough to bring a three year old to The Bucket List. Did you really think that Jack Nicholson playing an old man with cancer would hold his/her attention?
5) If you have a cold, do NOT sit directly behind someone and sneeze soundly or cough in a phlegm ridden way all through the film. If you have to sit directly behind someone, suck ten cough drops and COVER YOUR MOUTH WHEN YOU COUGH.
That about does it for me. How about any of you. Any movie pet peeves, etc? And how was your weekend?
Brian is interested, but Miss Juliet, not so much, unless you went to a porno movie or something....
So, brian it is. My brain is named Brian. My brain joins my boobs which are named saucy and sassy and my vagina which Bing and I call Miss Juliet. There is no reason for these names, no funny story, just what they are called. I have cutesy names for Bing's parts as well, but she would probably die of dyke embarrassment if I shared their names. It makes for some truly interesting talk between us, though, that others would most likely find very puzzling.
Do you think Miss Juliet would like some attention tonight? Because I think it is time she took a nice, long walkabout, honey.... This is said in a fake Aussie accent that Bing uses sometimes. I have no idea why, it isn't as if I get super turned on by Aussie girls or anything, it is just one of those dumb couple moments that are really funny and sweet until you try to write them out in a blog.
But, my new brain name is brian. This doesn't surprise me as I have often been told that I think like a man, whatever the hell that means.
Anyone read The Atlantic? Two great articles in there this month. One is called The Angriest Man In Television about David Simon, the creator of The Wire. The other one is a hilarious piece called Frankly...., a Berlitz guide to Washington English.
Examples:
"I don't pay attention to the polls" translates into My job approval rating is 32 percent.
"It's time to stop playing politics" translates into My party has a winning political issue.
Both are just brilliant. And worth a look-see.
I have spent a lot of time in bookstores and in theaters over the holidays and I have decided that their marketing is totally off. Every goddamn bookstore I have been in is overheated to the point of making customers feel as if they are smothering. I mean, think about it, when you go into a bookstore, there is nowhere to put your coat, really, so you end up wearing it. It gets hot. You stand in one place a lot with your head sideways looking at jacket covers. And many bookstores have the added measure of making coffee on the premises. The coffee smell makes it feel rather cozy but then, you add being hot and standing around tilting your head to that equation and it makes you nauseated. They need to turn the heat down a bit.
And it is just the opposite in theaters. It is always as cold as a witch's tit in a theater. Even in the summer. In the summer, you walk in and all the sweat rolling down your back and legs instantly fast freezes. Most people have sandals on and you spend the entire movie time wiggling your toes to keep them in circulation and wishing that you had brought a sweater for your sleeveless shirt. In the winter, you can sit with your coat on, but who wants to eat greasy popcorn wearing a coat?
Today, Bing, Liv and I went to see The Bucket List. It was so-so, a bit on the sappy side for Brian's taste. But, it was cold as ice inside the theater. Liv ended up curling into a small ball in my lap while I briskly rubbed her arms with my gloved hands. She had her hat with the fur on it too and it kept rubbing my chin in a decidedly itchy way. Bing whispered to me that what we really needed was an electric blanket.
I would just get dvds instead, except that I dislike watching films at home. I like the big screen experience and if I watch something at home, the phone always rings and I feel compelled to answer it or I notice that the dishwasher is done and it is a boring part, so I get up and take care of it and by then, I have lost the main thread of what is happening.
The only problem in theaters is that you have to watch the movie with strangers. Some of them act like they were born in a barn.
So...my list of rants about bad theater patrons:
1) If you have a bee hive hairdo, do NOT sit in front of a child unless there is nowhere else to sit in the theater.
2) You are not in your living room. So, if you bring your own popcorn, fine...I hate how expensive movie treats are too, but open the bag BEFORE the movie begins. Do not noisily open a brown paper bag during the main scene in the movie where we are being introduced to the characters.
3) Again, you are not in your living room. Do not arrange to meet your cousins there and then stand up and wave your arms wildly shouting, "We're over here, Joan!!" once the movie has started. And when Joan finally gets to you (after commenting loudly that is "so freakin dark in here that I can't see an ever lovin' thing!") don't ask her how her weekend has been so far. No one around you cares about Joan's weekend and we are trying to watch the movie.
4) Once more, with feeling, You are not in your living room. If you have a child, do not let him/her walk up and down the aisles by herself or wander through the rows by him or herself. If the child is cranky, TAKE THEM OUT OF THE ROOM. I'm sorry if you miss the best part. If you stay and the kid is bawling or screeching, everyone else misses the best part too. Sorry, but you were dumb enough to bring a three year old to The Bucket List. Did you really think that Jack Nicholson playing an old man with cancer would hold his/her attention?
5) If you have a cold, do NOT sit directly behind someone and sneeze soundly or cough in a phlegm ridden way all through the film. If you have to sit directly behind someone, suck ten cough drops and COVER YOUR MOUTH WHEN YOU COUGH.
That about does it for me. How about any of you. Any movie pet peeves, etc? And how was your weekend?
Brian is interested, but Miss Juliet, not so much, unless you went to a porno movie or something....
Saturday, January 12, 2008
New Year Meme
Courtesy of Fairy Dog Mother.
1) What did you do in 2007 that you've never done before?
Wow. Start me off with a hard one. I'm one of those old dogs who don't do the new trick thing...Let's see. I know. I had a colonoscopy. Sexy, yes? Just makes you want to keep reading, yes?
2) Did you keep your resolutions, and will you make more next year?
No. I never make resolutions. I have been living in this body for 49 years. I know myself very well. I make resolutions when I am good and ready, not in January. Unless, of course, I am good and ready. Which I am not.
3) Did anyone close to you give birth?
Well, my blog buddy, Jill, over at Charming and Delightful had a bouncing baby boy. But, that's it.
4) Did anyone close to you die?
Yes. My dear neighbor, Orna died in late winter of 2007. I also had a cousin and an aunt die but they were not particularly close to me. It does give one pause, though, when you go to the funeral of someone who is your age. I did this with my cousin. Gives you a lot to ponder on the car ride home.
5) What countries did you visit?
Cackling. Just cackling. I went to England and visited Hogwarts. At least it felt like it since Liv and I read Harry Potter ALL of last year and are finally finishing the last book this year. I've also been to Neverland, Lala land, and Oz.
6) What would like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
No money worries. I would love to NOT be on a budget. I would love to go into a bookstore and just buy until I drop instead of reserving library books.
7) What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory and why?
March 15. Orna's Death Day. September 19. The day my neighbor, Sven, went off to college. December 31st. Liv and I sat across from each other and agreed to memorize each other's faces so that we would never forget each other. As if that could happen. But, it seemed important to her, so I complied. I still remember looking deep into her brown eyes and thinking to myself, remember that she has this lovely smattering of freckles across her nose, remember her braces, remember how she is growing her bangs out...October 7. Socks arrived and I said goodbye to a clean kitchen floor forever.
8) What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I managed to not only stay in my relationship but be healthy in it. This sounds strange I know, but you must realize that I suck big time at relationships. I just don't do that dance well and I did warn her. She said, "It will work. I promise." And it has, so far.
9) What was your biggest failure?
I wanted to save more money than I did. I had good intentions.
10) Did you suffer illness or injury?
I added colitis to my list of health woes. I also have type 1 diabetes, rheumatoid arthritis, sciatica, meniere's syndrome and cataracts. But, I am not a complainer and not one to talk about my infirmities at dinner parties, etc. So, I think that is something....
11) What was the best thing that you bought?
School tuition for Liv at the best Montessori school in the world.
12) Whose behavior merited celebration?
Socks, the puppy, who is now almost completely trained and no longer peeing and shitting all over my house.
13) Whose behavior made you appalled or depressed?
All the child abusers/killers/molesters in the world. Every time I read or see a story about someone who has hurt or killed a child, it makes me want to weep.
14) Where did most of your money go?
Taking care of Liv. Clothes, education, books, raising them up is not cheap.
15) What did you get really, really excited about?
I'm 49. When I get really, really excited, I am in danger of peeing my pants. This also happens when I laugh hard. So, I try to refrain from too much excitement. I do admit that watching Liv's face as the opening credits of the latest Harry Potter film opened on the screen, brought me to tears and I had to quickly wipe them away on my sleeve before she noticed.
16) What song will always remind you of 2007?
This one. I heard it on September 8th, when Liv's dad, Tinton, his assistant,Nirand, Bing, and Liv were all on our porch playing music together. They all launched into this tune, with Bing playing lead guitar while Liv stood to the side and used her newly learned deaf sign skills and signed the entire song as they played. Tinton sang lead and they were all laughing and having a great time. At the line, "I saw you first.." they would all point at me and I could feel myself blush with pleasure. But, what I remember most is that we all got along like clockwork and all the people who I really cared for were surrounding me in the best way.
17) Compared to this time last year are you a)happier or sadder b)thinner or fatter c) richer or poorer?
I am about the same in all areas.
18) What do you wish you'd done more of?
Let comments fall down my back, not been so touchy. I wish I had let those around me just be themselves more, not been so judgmental.
19) What do you wish you'd done less of?
Pole dancing for strangers. Just checking to see if anyone catches this one...
20) How did you spend Christmas?
Breakfast at my sister's house, then went to a movie and came home and had pancakes for dinner. We were all sick of turkey.
21) Did you fall in love in 2007?
Over and over.
22) What was your favorite tv program?
Hmm...probably Lost. With The Wire and The Sopranos a strong second and third.
23) Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Nope. I really only hate one person and I haven't gone all gandhi or anything. As far as I know, she is still stinking up her neck of the woods. I don't check.
24) What was the best book you read?
No way. Too many to name. I did discover David Sedaris (thank you, Jill and Terroni) and for that, I am very thankful.
25) What was your greatest musical discovery?
I am not particularly musical, so I haven't discovered anyone. Generally, Bing suggests that I listen to something and I do and she is usually on target that I will like it.
26) What did you want and get?
A stronger marriage.
27) What did you want and not get?
Bing to change and suddenly be tidier and less stubborn. I think I got to a point where I realized that neither or us was suddenly going to magically turn into Princess Charming for the other one and that we had to accept and love each other as is. That helped the marriage.
28) What was your favorite film this year?
Another tough one. I really, really loved Juno.
29) What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?
I went out to lunch with my sister and then came home and Bing and Liv chased me around the house threatening to spank me 49 times. Bing caught me and they both tickled me instead and then gave me gifts. Bing spanked me later on, privately when I put on my french maid's uniform and naughtily forgot to dust the dresser....KIDDING. (I fully realize that I am now going to get a few hits from people typing in "spanking french maids because they are naughty girls.")
30) What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Winning the lottery. I would have gone on a Maria's blogging meet-up tour and went to England, Japan, Canada, and Aussie land plus just Chicago, East Jesus and other places to meet my fellow blog buds.
31) How would you describe your personal fashion concept of 2007?
My fashion sense has never really changed. Bing calls it Annie Hall meets Stevie Nicks meets Audrey Hepburn. Yeah, weird, I know. I do wear business suits to meet clients, but underneath it all I am wearing my rebel underpants. I have also been known to wear pajama bottoms and a tee shirt to take Liv to school. One more reason why she doesn't think I am very cool, I suppose.
32) What kept you sane?
Lots of things. Mindless television, movies and books. Mindful television, movies, and books. Liv. Bing. Socks. Sven. Nirand. Coffee with Harriet and the rest of the moms (plus one dad) in the bad parents club at Liv's school. All of you.
33) Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I don't really fancy celebrities or public figures. I fancy my sweet ass gal, Bing. I fancy my brilliant, sweet baby girl, Liv. I fancy my bad ass puppy, Socks. I fancy my good friends in my life and in blogsville.
34) What political issue stirred you the most?
Probably this asinine tendency I am seeing in people (especially women) to ride hard and do the mocking thing of Hillary Clinton. You know, I am not sure how I feel about her, to be honest. If you don't like her politics, fine. But, making fun of her laugh, her hair, clothes or anything not related to her politics just turns my stomach. You are only revealing something rather unattractive about yourself if you act like a sexist asshole. And the thing is, it is mostly women who I see do this. That bothers me.
35) Who do you miss?
Orna. Sven. Nirand. My Da, especially over the holidays.
36) Who was the best person you met?
Jack, Nirand, the milkman...(again just checking to see if you are still with me)
37) Tell us a valuable lesson you learned in 2007?
Friends don't let friends buy leggings.
38) Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
"I want to fuck you like an animal" (Nine Inch Nails)
"I saw you first" (John Mellencamp)
"It's a marvelous night for a moondance.." (Van Morrison)
"Goodnight my angel, time to close your eyes..." (Billy Joel)
1) What did you do in 2007 that you've never done before?
Wow. Start me off with a hard one. I'm one of those old dogs who don't do the new trick thing...Let's see. I know. I had a colonoscopy. Sexy, yes? Just makes you want to keep reading, yes?
2) Did you keep your resolutions, and will you make more next year?
No. I never make resolutions. I have been living in this body for 49 years. I know myself very well. I make resolutions when I am good and ready, not in January. Unless, of course, I am good and ready. Which I am not.
3) Did anyone close to you give birth?
Well, my blog buddy, Jill, over at Charming and Delightful had a bouncing baby boy. But, that's it.
4) Did anyone close to you die?
Yes. My dear neighbor, Orna died in late winter of 2007. I also had a cousin and an aunt die but they were not particularly close to me. It does give one pause, though, when you go to the funeral of someone who is your age. I did this with my cousin. Gives you a lot to ponder on the car ride home.
5) What countries did you visit?
Cackling. Just cackling. I went to England and visited Hogwarts. At least it felt like it since Liv and I read Harry Potter ALL of last year and are finally finishing the last book this year. I've also been to Neverland, Lala land, and Oz.
6) What would like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
No money worries. I would love to NOT be on a budget. I would love to go into a bookstore and just buy until I drop instead of reserving library books.
7) What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory and why?
March 15. Orna's Death Day. September 19. The day my neighbor, Sven, went off to college. December 31st. Liv and I sat across from each other and agreed to memorize each other's faces so that we would never forget each other. As if that could happen. But, it seemed important to her, so I complied. I still remember looking deep into her brown eyes and thinking to myself, remember that she has this lovely smattering of freckles across her nose, remember her braces, remember how she is growing her bangs out...October 7. Socks arrived and I said goodbye to a clean kitchen floor forever.
8) What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I managed to not only stay in my relationship but be healthy in it. This sounds strange I know, but you must realize that I suck big time at relationships. I just don't do that dance well and I did warn her. She said, "It will work. I promise." And it has, so far.
9) What was your biggest failure?
I wanted to save more money than I did. I had good intentions.
10) Did you suffer illness or injury?
I added colitis to my list of health woes. I also have type 1 diabetes, rheumatoid arthritis, sciatica, meniere's syndrome and cataracts. But, I am not a complainer and not one to talk about my infirmities at dinner parties, etc. So, I think that is something....
11) What was the best thing that you bought?
School tuition for Liv at the best Montessori school in the world.
12) Whose behavior merited celebration?
Socks, the puppy, who is now almost completely trained and no longer peeing and shitting all over my house.
13) Whose behavior made you appalled or depressed?
All the child abusers/killers/molesters in the world. Every time I read or see a story about someone who has hurt or killed a child, it makes me want to weep.
14) Where did most of your money go?
Taking care of Liv. Clothes, education, books, raising them up is not cheap.
15) What did you get really, really excited about?
I'm 49. When I get really, really excited, I am in danger of peeing my pants. This also happens when I laugh hard. So, I try to refrain from too much excitement. I do admit that watching Liv's face as the opening credits of the latest Harry Potter film opened on the screen, brought me to tears and I had to quickly wipe them away on my sleeve before she noticed.
16) What song will always remind you of 2007?
This one. I heard it on September 8th, when Liv's dad, Tinton, his assistant,Nirand, Bing, and Liv were all on our porch playing music together. They all launched into this tune, with Bing playing lead guitar while Liv stood to the side and used her newly learned deaf sign skills and signed the entire song as they played. Tinton sang lead and they were all laughing and having a great time. At the line, "I saw you first.." they would all point at me and I could feel myself blush with pleasure. But, what I remember most is that we all got along like clockwork and all the people who I really cared for were surrounding me in the best way.
17) Compared to this time last year are you a)happier or sadder b)thinner or fatter c) richer or poorer?
I am about the same in all areas.
18) What do you wish you'd done more of?
Let comments fall down my back, not been so touchy. I wish I had let those around me just be themselves more, not been so judgmental.
19) What do you wish you'd done less of?
Pole dancing for strangers. Just checking to see if anyone catches this one...
20) How did you spend Christmas?
Breakfast at my sister's house, then went to a movie and came home and had pancakes for dinner. We were all sick of turkey.
21) Did you fall in love in 2007?
Over and over.
22) What was your favorite tv program?
Hmm...probably Lost. With The Wire and The Sopranos a strong second and third.
23) Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Nope. I really only hate one person and I haven't gone all gandhi or anything. As far as I know, she is still stinking up her neck of the woods. I don't check.
24) What was the best book you read?
No way. Too many to name. I did discover David Sedaris (thank you, Jill and Terroni) and for that, I am very thankful.
25) What was your greatest musical discovery?
I am not particularly musical, so I haven't discovered anyone. Generally, Bing suggests that I listen to something and I do and she is usually on target that I will like it.
26) What did you want and get?
A stronger marriage.
27) What did you want and not get?
Bing to change and suddenly be tidier and less stubborn. I think I got to a point where I realized that neither or us was suddenly going to magically turn into Princess Charming for the other one and that we had to accept and love each other as is. That helped the marriage.
28) What was your favorite film this year?
Another tough one. I really, really loved Juno.
29) What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?
I went out to lunch with my sister and then came home and Bing and Liv chased me around the house threatening to spank me 49 times. Bing caught me and they both tickled me instead and then gave me gifts. Bing spanked me later on, privately when I put on my french maid's uniform and naughtily forgot to dust the dresser....KIDDING. (I fully realize that I am now going to get a few hits from people typing in "spanking french maids because they are naughty girls.")
30) What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Winning the lottery. I would have gone on a Maria's blogging meet-up tour and went to England, Japan, Canada, and Aussie land plus just Chicago, East Jesus and other places to meet my fellow blog buds.
31) How would you describe your personal fashion concept of 2007?
My fashion sense has never really changed. Bing calls it Annie Hall meets Stevie Nicks meets Audrey Hepburn. Yeah, weird, I know. I do wear business suits to meet clients, but underneath it all I am wearing my rebel underpants. I have also been known to wear pajama bottoms and a tee shirt to take Liv to school. One more reason why she doesn't think I am very cool, I suppose.
32) What kept you sane?
Lots of things. Mindless television, movies and books. Mindful television, movies, and books. Liv. Bing. Socks. Sven. Nirand. Coffee with Harriet and the rest of the moms (plus one dad) in the bad parents club at Liv's school. All of you.
33) Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I don't really fancy celebrities or public figures. I fancy my sweet ass gal, Bing. I fancy my brilliant, sweet baby girl, Liv. I fancy my bad ass puppy, Socks. I fancy my good friends in my life and in blogsville.
34) What political issue stirred you the most?
Probably this asinine tendency I am seeing in people (especially women) to ride hard and do the mocking thing of Hillary Clinton. You know, I am not sure how I feel about her, to be honest. If you don't like her politics, fine. But, making fun of her laugh, her hair, clothes or anything not related to her politics just turns my stomach. You are only revealing something rather unattractive about yourself if you act like a sexist asshole. And the thing is, it is mostly women who I see do this. That bothers me.
35) Who do you miss?
Orna. Sven. Nirand. My Da, especially over the holidays.
36) Who was the best person you met?
Jack, Nirand, the milkman...(again just checking to see if you are still with me)
37) Tell us a valuable lesson you learned in 2007?
Friends don't let friends buy leggings.
38) Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
"I want to fuck you like an animal" (Nine Inch Nails)
"I saw you first" (John Mellencamp)
"It's a marvelous night for a moondance.." (Van Morrison)
"Goodnight my angel, time to close your eyes..." (Billy Joel)
Thursday, January 10, 2008
I wish I knew how....
This was a title of a worksheet that Liv brought home from school this week. The children in her class were instructed to write a paragraph completing that sentence.
Liv wrote:
I wish I knew how to fly, to drive a sports car, water ski, snow ski, be an astronaut, put together a roket ship and build a house, work a waverunner, drive a motorcicle, write a novel, be an author and how to be a deaf sighn languag expurt.
It occurred to me that I would like to do all those things as well....
Dream big large, sugar.
I also found written in a little notebook in her bookbag:
Liv and Constance's rules on how to be cool:
1) Don't let your mother pick out your clothes. (I can't remember that last time I picked out Liv's clothes. I even consult her before I buy anything. As long as she's warm and dry and reasonably put together, I stay mum. She likes corduroys and soft long sleeved tee shirts the best. She occasionally wears a dress, but avoids anything with ruffles or bows. She actually has taste. Maybe I should have her pick out my clothes from now on....)
2) Walk around with your hands in your pokets. (I have no idea how this translates to being cool but I will give it a go...)
3) When you see a friend, don't act like a dork and say hello. Instead say what's up, beast? or give a thumbs up sighn and say hey there. (I am SO picturing Fonzie right now... and I don't know if my friends would appreciate being called beasts.)
4) Don't use the word playdate. Say come over. (Gotcha. I already get one point for being cool as I don't usually ask my friends over for a playdate and would get a few double takes if I did, especially from the only Dad in my let's-get-some-coffee-and-maybe-a-croissant group from Liv's school. I can just see Jack's face as I waggle my eyebrows at him and ask him if he'd like to have a playdate with me.....)
5) Don't ever let your breath stink.(Um..well, I do okay on that one too, I think, except when I first wake up in the morning. Bing and I do the chaste closed mouth kiss thing when she kisses me goodbye...)
Those were her rules. So, I think I can be cool if I set my mind to it.
I DID ask Liv how much it meant to be "cool." She gave me one of those looks that say that I have no idea how things work in her school, especially after I told her that sometimes the cool kids are the ones who aren't the nice kids and I always wanted her to be a nice girl.
"I AM nice," she said. "I'm just cool AND nice."
Apparently, bringing a dead owl to school isn't cool. We found one in our back yard. A beautiful screech owl with a perfectly preserved body, no sign of blood or um....fowl (pun intended) play. I asked Liv if she wanted to take it to school since it is endangered. She looked at me like I was advocating traipsing into the classroom in her underpants.
"Please don't make me walk into my classroom carrying a dead owl..." she begged.
Well, I told her, it would be in a bag, of course. A plastic bag and then a brown bag over that.
"Please don't make me walk into my classroom carrying a dead owl in a bag..." she said.
I went over her head. I talked to Miss Parris about it, explained that the county extension service was going to pick it up this weekend, but that Liv could bring it to class if she thought it might be an educational tool. Liv stood beside me, looking as if I had betrayed her.
Until Miss Parris jumped all over that idea. "Oh, my....YES!!" Miss Parris exclaimed. "What a wonderful opportunity for the children to see such a beautiful bird! When can you have Liv bring it?"
Suddenly, Liv was all smiles, an eager beaver.
I told Miss Parris that I would send it with Liv tomorrow.
In the car on the way home, I said defensively to Liv, "Why was it a bad idea when I suggested it, but a great idea when Miss Parris said she wanted to see it?"
Liv thought for a moment. And finally sighed.
"Well, Miss Parris is just so, so......cool," she breathed. "Not that you aren't!" she quickly added, seeing my face. "You're just, you know....my MOTHER."
I know. I know. Your hopelessly uncool Mother who doesn't even have the sense to know that you refer to one's friends as "beasts" and walk around with one's hands firmly tucked in one's pockets.
I still wish that I knew how to be an astronaut, though. And I wouldn't mind knowing how to build my own house...
I wonder what Liv will say when she finds out that I have signed myself up for a very uncool knitting class.
Boy howdy. I feel embarrassed all the way down to the tips of my Granny Clampett shoes....
Liv wrote:
I wish I knew how to fly, to drive a sports car, water ski, snow ski, be an astronaut, put together a roket ship and build a house, work a waverunner, drive a motorcicle, write a novel, be an author and how to be a deaf sighn languag expurt.
It occurred to me that I would like to do all those things as well....
Dream big large, sugar.
I also found written in a little notebook in her bookbag:
Liv and Constance's rules on how to be cool:
1) Don't let your mother pick out your clothes. (I can't remember that last time I picked out Liv's clothes. I even consult her before I buy anything. As long as she's warm and dry and reasonably put together, I stay mum. She likes corduroys and soft long sleeved tee shirts the best. She occasionally wears a dress, but avoids anything with ruffles or bows. She actually has taste. Maybe I should have her pick out my clothes from now on....)
2) Walk around with your hands in your pokets. (I have no idea how this translates to being cool but I will give it a go...)
3) When you see a friend, don't act like a dork and say hello. Instead say what's up, beast? or give a thumbs up sighn and say hey there. (I am SO picturing Fonzie right now... and I don't know if my friends would appreciate being called beasts.)
4) Don't use the word playdate. Say come over. (Gotcha. I already get one point for being cool as I don't usually ask my friends over for a playdate and would get a few double takes if I did, especially from the only Dad in my let's-get-some-coffee-and-maybe-a-croissant group from Liv's school. I can just see Jack's face as I waggle my eyebrows at him and ask him if he'd like to have a playdate with me.....)
5) Don't ever let your breath stink.(Um..well, I do okay on that one too, I think, except when I first wake up in the morning. Bing and I do the chaste closed mouth kiss thing when she kisses me goodbye...)
Those were her rules. So, I think I can be cool if I set my mind to it.
I DID ask Liv how much it meant to be "cool." She gave me one of those looks that say that I have no idea how things work in her school, especially after I told her that sometimes the cool kids are the ones who aren't the nice kids and I always wanted her to be a nice girl.
"I AM nice," she said. "I'm just cool AND nice."
Apparently, bringing a dead owl to school isn't cool. We found one in our back yard. A beautiful screech owl with a perfectly preserved body, no sign of blood or um....fowl (pun intended) play. I asked Liv if she wanted to take it to school since it is endangered. She looked at me like I was advocating traipsing into the classroom in her underpants.
"Please don't make me walk into my classroom carrying a dead owl..." she begged.
Well, I told her, it would be in a bag, of course. A plastic bag and then a brown bag over that.
"Please don't make me walk into my classroom carrying a dead owl in a bag..." she said.
I went over her head. I talked to Miss Parris about it, explained that the county extension service was going to pick it up this weekend, but that Liv could bring it to class if she thought it might be an educational tool. Liv stood beside me, looking as if I had betrayed her.
Until Miss Parris jumped all over that idea. "Oh, my....YES!!" Miss Parris exclaimed. "What a wonderful opportunity for the children to see such a beautiful bird! When can you have Liv bring it?"
Suddenly, Liv was all smiles, an eager beaver.
I told Miss Parris that I would send it with Liv tomorrow.
In the car on the way home, I said defensively to Liv, "Why was it a bad idea when I suggested it, but a great idea when Miss Parris said she wanted to see it?"
Liv thought for a moment. And finally sighed.
"Well, Miss Parris is just so, so......cool," she breathed. "Not that you aren't!" she quickly added, seeing my face. "You're just, you know....my MOTHER."
I know. I know. Your hopelessly uncool Mother who doesn't even have the sense to know that you refer to one's friends as "beasts" and walk around with one's hands firmly tucked in one's pockets.
I still wish that I knew how to be an astronaut, though. And I wouldn't mind knowing how to build my own house...
I wonder what Liv will say when she finds out that I have signed myself up for a very uncool knitting class.
Boy howdy. I feel embarrassed all the way down to the tips of my Granny Clampett shoes....
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
Liv misbehaves
Yes, she does. I realize that since I don't often write about her downward slides in behavior, maybe I give the false sense that I am raising this little angel.
She can be a hornet now and then.
And a brat.
Now that she is eight, I am starting to see a bit of a smart mouth with her. All that precociousness that was sort of cute in a five year old is not nearly as winsome in an eight year old. She can be cheeky. She can be sassy. She can be snitty and mouthy.
As Bing would say, chip off the old block or that apple doesn't fall far from the tree...
Yesterday.
Ugh.
Yesterday, Liv announced that she had a ton of homework in the car on the ride home from school. We got home and Bing was there, had taken the afternoon off in order to help with music for Harriet's sister's wake. I started making Liv some toast for an after school snack and asked Bing to help her get her homework out since we had the wake that evening and needed to get it done before dinner.
Bing began taking assorted books and papers out of Liv's book bag. She pulled out an envelope.
Liv snatched it roughly from her hands.
"This is not yours to read," she told Bing. "It says TO THE PARENTS OF LIV LASTNAME. You are NOT my parent, so leave it alone."
Bing gaped.
I swiveled from my post at the toaster and held out my hand to Liv. She handed it to me, averting her eyes. She knew she had been a little smart ass.
I handed the envelope back to Bing and asked her to please take a look at it.
Then I told Liv to go sit in the living room and wait for me to join her.
"But I need to get my homework finished!!" she whined.
I gave her the stink eye and she sighed and walked away, her spine rigidly straight.
Bing handed me the envelope. "It's just about the school fund raiser," she said. "What are you going to say to Liv?"
"I'm going to speak to her about being rude to you and you are going to be getting an apology very soon," I told her. "She knows better than to treat you like that."
Bing nodded and sighed a little. She has been on the receiving end of some of Liv's snarkiest comments. Testing the waters. Checking for boundaries.
I'll show her a boundary, I thought.
I went into the living room, sat down on the other side of the sofa from Liv. I sat there and simply looked at her. She was carefully checking out the braided rug on the floor with her toe. Eventually she looked up. And then back down again.
I have learned to wait and make her speak first. It sometimes takes a while. When she was five, it took about eight seconds. Now it takes a few minutes. When she is a teenager, I am fairly sure that we will probably sit for an hour or so...
I heard Bing go into the parlor and softly start playing the piano. Liv looked up and then back down.
Finally, she spoke.
"She isn't my mother."
"No, she isn't."
More silence.
Liv's chin wobbled. It wouldn't take long now.
"I just...I just...it's just that Miss Parris told us that we were only to give them to our parents."
"That is a totally lame excuse for the way you just treated Bing and you know it."
She nodded, her hair falling into her face.
"In the first place, you DO NOT SNATCH things out of another person's hand. That is rude. Do you understand?"
She nodded again.
"Bing is not your mother, but she cares for you like a mother does. She thinks of you as her little girl just like I think of you as my little girl. She is one of the adults in this house who is helping to raise you and she goes to parent teacher conferences with me and to your programs and helps you with your math. She did not deserve to be treated that way. I think you know that. You are a smart little girl. You knew exactly what you were doing and you knew that it was hurtful. What I don't understand is why you felt it necessary to do it. Care to enlighten me?"
She gulped, took a shaky breath. Then her face crumpled and she was in my lap.
"I just...I just had a bad day. I have lots of math homework and Constance sat by Willa in music and not me. And...I...missed three states on my United States exam! Plus, you packed potato chips in my lunch and I asked you not to pack them because they get all stuck in my braces and I fell down at recess and my pants got wet and I had to sit in wet pants all afternoon....and..and..I'm SO sorry."
I patted her back. We sat for a few moments. I told her that I knew exactly how she felt, that I had experienced bad days too like that one day when I came home and yelled at her and Bing for drinking all the orange juice.
She nodded and I asked her what she wanted to do about this problem.
She stood up. "I know that I need to go apologize to Bing. But, first....are you mad? Are you mad at me? Because your face looked mad and you still don't look happy."
I pulled her back into my lap and told her that no, I wasn't mad anymore but that I WAS getting weary of her smarty pants mouth lately and she needed to keep that in mind. She said okay. I kissed her. I went into the kitchen while she went into the parlor. I warmed up the toast and brought it into the parlor.
Bing was still at the piano, still playing with one hand. Her other arm was wrapped around Liv who was crying into her shoulder. I went back into the kitchen and waited for them to come out to me.
Eventually they did and we helped Liv with her homework.
Later, in the car on the way to the wake, I asked Bing what Liv had said.
"She told me that she had behaved like a skunk and she was sorry. She also said that I could adopt her if it was okay with you and her dad. So I could be a mom too. I told her that I didn't need to adopt her, that I thought of her as my kid already."
She was silent. I kept swallowing and looking out of the window.
"And then, we played Chopsticks together because it was either that or have a bawl fest and neither one of us likes to do the waterworks thing too much...."
So, yeah...Liv can be a brat.
But, there is still a good, big part of her that is sheer angel.
She can be a hornet now and then.
And a brat.
Now that she is eight, I am starting to see a bit of a smart mouth with her. All that precociousness that was sort of cute in a five year old is not nearly as winsome in an eight year old. She can be cheeky. She can be sassy. She can be snitty and mouthy.
As Bing would say, chip off the old block or that apple doesn't fall far from the tree...
Yesterday.
Ugh.
Yesterday, Liv announced that she had a ton of homework in the car on the ride home from school. We got home and Bing was there, had taken the afternoon off in order to help with music for Harriet's sister's wake. I started making Liv some toast for an after school snack and asked Bing to help her get her homework out since we had the wake that evening and needed to get it done before dinner.
Bing began taking assorted books and papers out of Liv's book bag. She pulled out an envelope.
Liv snatched it roughly from her hands.
"This is not yours to read," she told Bing. "It says TO THE PARENTS OF LIV LASTNAME. You are NOT my parent, so leave it alone."
Bing gaped.
I swiveled from my post at the toaster and held out my hand to Liv. She handed it to me, averting her eyes. She knew she had been a little smart ass.
I handed the envelope back to Bing and asked her to please take a look at it.
Then I told Liv to go sit in the living room and wait for me to join her.
"But I need to get my homework finished!!" she whined.
I gave her the stink eye and she sighed and walked away, her spine rigidly straight.
Bing handed me the envelope. "It's just about the school fund raiser," she said. "What are you going to say to Liv?"
"I'm going to speak to her about being rude to you and you are going to be getting an apology very soon," I told her. "She knows better than to treat you like that."
Bing nodded and sighed a little. She has been on the receiving end of some of Liv's snarkiest comments. Testing the waters. Checking for boundaries.
I'll show her a boundary, I thought.
I went into the living room, sat down on the other side of the sofa from Liv. I sat there and simply looked at her. She was carefully checking out the braided rug on the floor with her toe. Eventually she looked up. And then back down again.
I have learned to wait and make her speak first. It sometimes takes a while. When she was five, it took about eight seconds. Now it takes a few minutes. When she is a teenager, I am fairly sure that we will probably sit for an hour or so...
I heard Bing go into the parlor and softly start playing the piano. Liv looked up and then back down.
Finally, she spoke.
"She isn't my mother."
"No, she isn't."
More silence.
Liv's chin wobbled. It wouldn't take long now.
"I just...I just...it's just that Miss Parris told us that we were only to give them to our parents."
"That is a totally lame excuse for the way you just treated Bing and you know it."
She nodded, her hair falling into her face.
"In the first place, you DO NOT SNATCH things out of another person's hand. That is rude. Do you understand?"
She nodded again.
"Bing is not your mother, but she cares for you like a mother does. She thinks of you as her little girl just like I think of you as my little girl. She is one of the adults in this house who is helping to raise you and she goes to parent teacher conferences with me and to your programs and helps you with your math. She did not deserve to be treated that way. I think you know that. You are a smart little girl. You knew exactly what you were doing and you knew that it was hurtful. What I don't understand is why you felt it necessary to do it. Care to enlighten me?"
She gulped, took a shaky breath. Then her face crumpled and she was in my lap.
"I just...I just had a bad day. I have lots of math homework and Constance sat by Willa in music and not me. And...I...missed three states on my United States exam! Plus, you packed potato chips in my lunch and I asked you not to pack them because they get all stuck in my braces and I fell down at recess and my pants got wet and I had to sit in wet pants all afternoon....and..and..I'm SO sorry."
I patted her back. We sat for a few moments. I told her that I knew exactly how she felt, that I had experienced bad days too like that one day when I came home and yelled at her and Bing for drinking all the orange juice.
She nodded and I asked her what she wanted to do about this problem.
She stood up. "I know that I need to go apologize to Bing. But, first....are you mad? Are you mad at me? Because your face looked mad and you still don't look happy."
I pulled her back into my lap and told her that no, I wasn't mad anymore but that I WAS getting weary of her smarty pants mouth lately and she needed to keep that in mind. She said okay. I kissed her. I went into the kitchen while she went into the parlor. I warmed up the toast and brought it into the parlor.
Bing was still at the piano, still playing with one hand. Her other arm was wrapped around Liv who was crying into her shoulder. I went back into the kitchen and waited for them to come out to me.
Eventually they did and we helped Liv with her homework.
Later, in the car on the way to the wake, I asked Bing what Liv had said.
"She told me that she had behaved like a skunk and she was sorry. She also said that I could adopt her if it was okay with you and her dad. So I could be a mom too. I told her that I didn't need to adopt her, that I thought of her as my kid already."
She was silent. I kept swallowing and looking out of the window.
"And then, we played Chopsticks together because it was either that or have a bawl fest and neither one of us likes to do the waterworks thing too much...."
So, yeah...Liv can be a brat.
But, there is still a good, big part of her that is sheer angel.
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