Monday, September 08, 2008

Maria goes self-help.

A funny thing happened as I was listening to my subliminal self-help tape last night.

I had gone to bed early (so what else is new?)and tucked in with a tape that was supposed to do two things. 1) It was supposed to help me love and accept myself as is and 2) It was to help me deal with being ill.

I have had a hard time at work lately. Much of my work is now on the computer and I am decidedly old school. This means that the last time I did this sort of record analyzing, I did it by reading the paper copy of the case and then writing my impressions and analytic observations. Now, I am expected to do this on the computer. Sounds easy, yes? Well, not for me. Nope. I have trouble logging on the computer. In order to get into files, I have to jump through several classified loops and I can never remember the damn codes without writing them down. I also have become convinced that my computer is a living entity that is out to get me. It frequently punishes me by freezing up on me. It is sort of like living with a frigid, mean woman who takes offense at every little thing and won't let you hug her, goes all Queen Frostine on you. The hospital computer trouble shooter (the infamous Christabelle) has had to come up nearly daily to unfreeze said computer (I have aptly christened the computer as "beezlebub")and tell me in an incredulous tone that "for a skirt that's as smart as you be, you sure act like a retard around computers."

No kidding.

So, my self esteem is taking a beating. I mean, when the bubble brained department secretary (who chews gum constantly and has no idea who Al Gore is) is having to help me work the computer, I know I am in trouble.

Tie this in with spending ten minutes barfing in the bathroom every few hours and it makes for a hard day at work for me.

So, I let Bing bring me home the subliminal message tapes and have even made an appointment to try a different massage therapist this week. I figure that I need all the help I can get.

Last night, I tucked into bed early and popped in the subliminal tape. The music started and as usual, I fell asleep within moments. I woke up when I felt Bing get into bed a few hours later.

I sleepily pulled her arm up and laid my head on her shoulder. Asked her if Liv was okay, had she checked her recently?

Yes, she said. She had just come from Liv's room. She was sleeping soundly and Socks was keeping guard.

I yawned. Leaned up to kiss her goodnight.

And then she said, "Um, honey? Do you fall asleep right away when the music goes on?"

I said that yes, I did, Why?

She hesitated and then sort of chuckled.

"Well...it's just that the last few nights...well...never mind."

Don't you fucking hate it when someone says never mind like that?

It woke me right up.

"What?" I asked.

She seemed hesitant, so I repeated the question.

Wellll," she began. "It's just that, well...the last few nights I have heard what I thought was you sort of....murmuring in your sleep and I came to the side of the bed and listened."

I was awake now.

"What was I saying?" I asked her. "Was I talking in my sleep?"

She laughed very, very quietly and pulled me in closer.

"Yeah," she admitted. "You were saying some weird shit."

Like what sort of weird shit? Like...Let's kill the Republicans weird shit?

"No," she said, "You were saying...like...phrases."

"What kind of phrases?" I asked.

"Well, like tonight you said I am a person of great value and then a few moments later, you said, Old dogs CAN learn new tricks and then again, a few minutes passed and you said, I am willing to learn new things. It is an ADVENTURE.", she said, sheepishly.

I was quiet for a moment.

"Anything else?" I finally asked.

"You also said, I am doing my best and I am proud of my accomplishments. And then you said, Even though I am not at my best healthwise, I am still able to find happiness in my life."

"Well," I finally was able to answer. "I guess that subliminal shit is working, huh?"

She and I laughed a little.

"Frankly," she answered, "it was sort of eerie. Like it was you, but not you. And I admit that I thought maybe I should make you a little subliminal tape of my own...you know I could put on there I don't care if Bing ever finishes painting the bathroom or maybe I want to have hot, naked, sweaty sex with Bing at least six times a week...."

That made me laugh. It did.

But this morning, I looked at that tape for a long, long time. I mean, it sort of does freak me out that I seem to be a little soldier for such intense learning. Who knew? I would never think myself capable of that sort of thing, that parroting of a subliminal tape. It is probably because I fall asleep and go into deep relaxation. But, now not only am I scared of my computer at work, I am sort of leery of that damn tape.

I will just keep my eye on Bing hauling in any strange looking cds....

30 comments:

fairydogmother said...

This post reminds me of an old episode of the tv show Friends. One of the guys uses a hypnosis tape to help him stop smoking, but it is a hypnosis tape aimed at women...with a refrain something along the lines of "you are a smart and capable woman".

Also, your new job sounds eerily similar to my first several months at a job a few years back. The computer system was arcane and clunky, it took way too many steps to get into the area I needed to work in most of the time, and it was so slow that if I was helping someone over the phone half the time I would have to call them back because it was just taking too long for the system to even let me log in, and the computer would freeze up. It was ridiculous. Finally someone left or moved into a new office or something and I got to change work stations, so at least my computer wasn't quite as old once I switched desks. Unfortunately I still had to work on the same damn system everyday anyway. Baby steps.

Arial Ray said...

Freaky.

I had to learn to use the computer on the job as well. Everyone else had windows (95 I think) and I had this dos machine that I absolutely hated. It was slow and clunky. All I did was write reports and manuals and draw up forms with it, but they were a pain. Our office was broken into one day, and everyone's computer was stolen....that is, everyone's except mine.

Jill said...

Clever one, that Bing! I just hope Hubbz never gets that idea!

pins said...

"for a skirt that's as smart as you be, you sure act like a retard around computers."

I laughed out loud when I read this! It so reminds me of the last job I had. I worked many years with mostly people my age (in other words, we were all pretty dumb as far as the computer goes). When I left that place and began at the next, it was mostly all young people - me being the exception. Boy, did I feel like an idiot around all those computer genuises! But it did get better, slowly.

Maybe a subliminal cd with computer tips would work? :)

the only daughter said...

Sublime, just so very. And yes, I DO hate that...nevermind.

deb said...

This made me laugh. I should try it on my daughter. A clean bathroom is a good thing. Picking up clothes off the floor is fun. You get the idea:)

sister AE said...

eek! it is a bit freaky, no? but it does sound like you're giving yourself some positive reinforcement...

jyankee said...

Wow...I guess it means that the tapes are working eh? I would keep my out on Bing...she would have you listening to Bing promotional CD's if she could! LOL! Hope it is of some help...health wise if more than anything else...they say that mental power is really nothing to sneer at you know...

dive said...

Hoorah for Bing (and Christabelle, too).
Bing shouldn't have told you her idea, she should have just gone ahead and done it.
Perhaps she already has and you don't know it yet.
I'm with you on the computer thing. Even though I do high-end 3D stuff on Macs (you've seen some of it), I still have to dick around with stinky coloured pens and huge sheets of paper and little cardboard models to visualise stuff before I dive into the software.
It's just our generation (and stop sniggereing, Bing).

Patois said...

Please, please tell me that this is a joke. It's like April 1st on September 8th, yes? No? That is so damn spooky. I am afraid. Hold me.

Fusion said...

I had a little something to say, but, er, never mind...

heh heh, I crack me up.

Take care Maria, now go get a cd on how to operate a computer!

justme said...

LOL! But the question is, do you BELIEVE all those things! And definately watch out for Bing slipping strange CD's on just as you dose off to sleep......

SassyFemme said...

I wonder if I could get away with telling some of my teachers they act like retards around computers? Yeah, probably not.

MLC said...

I wonder if I fall asleep with my iPod on -- if I will start singing like Ferrick, Williams or Merchant?

Atlantic records... anyone want to sit bedside - I'd like to ask you to send Pink over.

-janet

jenny said...

Thats it! I make one for the kids, "I will put my plate in the dishwasher" "I will put my clothes in the laundry room"!

Excuse me, I have to find the microphone for the pc and burn off a cd...

Hahn at Home said...

Bing made a fatal error - she told you!

Snooker said...

I LOVE IT! Where can I get my own subliminal tape system?
I'm sure that I could find many uses for it...

Sorry to hear that "beezlebub" is causing you so many problems. I wish I lived on your side of the pond, I would offer some "the computer is your friend" sessions.

Tell you what, come on down to Wichita over Thanksgiving (we'll be visiting family) and I'm all over it!

Angelissima said...

That's actually kinda cool! They work!

Val said...

I'm looking forward to Bing's tapes and the affects they have on you! TOO funny!

Good for Bing.

Hang in there... think positively about the computer (they know when you're afraid of them!)

Elle said...

Well.... at least it's positive reinforcement!! I'll admit, it probably seems a little funny but on the good side - it's having an impact on you!!

I like doing those relaxation cd's, where you imagine floating on this raft or something. I always come to so alert and refreshed.

P.S. I have a little announcement that I posted recently ;)

weese said...

very cute.
you two...very cute.
and not in the subliminal sense. :)

kristi said...

Yeah, hubs would SO make one about having more sex!

sari said...

well I'm screwed, I used to fall asleep to Wish You Were Here and old Stones records. No wonder I was so into Depeche Mode in high school, depressingville!

Scout said...

Ah, so you learn by osmosis. They always said in school that doesn't work, but clearly it does. I used a tape like that once in college, and I slept so soundly it was frightening. Long story.

You'll catch on to the computer eventually, but remember it's what in your head and the way you think and the way you do your job that is important, not the hardware that gets in the way (if someone else has already mentioned is, sorry for the duplication. I don't have time to read all the comments at the moment).

zirelda said...

Oh that's funny. :)

I wonder how I can get Dan to listen to one.....

Rose said...

I think the tapes are a great thing to listen to. Feeding your subconscious mind positive phrases can only be beneficial for your health.
Hang in there and be gentle with yourself. You are adjusting to a lot of new things and it takes time to teach the old dog the new tricks. Breathe.

simonsays said...

LOVE it!

Yours and Bing's sense of humor really does crack me up..

Hugs.

Reluctant Blogger said...

I am such a control freak that the idea of subliminal messages and talking in my sleep is SO scary. I have always been afraid of talking in my sleep but thankfully don't think I ever have! Just as well really.

It's amazing that the tape can work in that way.

LostInCO said...

I can't believe bing told you! Now maybe you need a tape to get smarter w/ the computer...

MmeBenaut said...

I think you should set up a voice activated tape recorder under the bed to trap your nocturnal eeriness! This is weird and I'm amazed that it actually works. I might have to try something like this for my self-esteem/health issues. Wow, I might even be able to hypnotise myself into bouncing out of bed each morning, cheerfully smiling (not humming). Do you think it might work?