A funny thing happened as I was listening to my subliminal self-help tape last night.
I had gone to bed early (so what else is new?)and tucked in with a tape that was supposed to do two things. 1) It was supposed to help me love and accept myself as is and 2) It was to help me deal with being ill.
I have had a hard time at work lately. Much of my work is now on the computer and I am decidedly old school. This means that the last time I did this sort of record analyzing, I did it by reading the paper copy of the case and then writing my impressions and analytic observations. Now, I am expected to do this on the computer. Sounds easy, yes? Well, not for me. Nope. I have trouble logging on the computer. In order to get into files, I have to jump through several classified loops and I can never remember the damn codes without writing them down. I also have become convinced that my computer is a living entity that is out to get me. It frequently punishes me by freezing up on me. It is sort of like living with a frigid, mean woman who takes offense at every little thing and won't let you hug her, goes all Queen Frostine on you. The hospital computer trouble shooter (the infamous Christabelle) has had to come up nearly daily to unfreeze said computer (I have aptly christened the computer as "beezlebub")and tell me in an incredulous tone that "for a skirt that's as smart as you be, you sure act like a retard around computers."
So, my self esteem is taking a beating. I mean, when the bubble brained department secretary (who chews gum constantly and has no idea who Al Gore is) is having to help me work the computer, I know I am in trouble.
Tie this in with spending ten minutes barfing in the bathroom every few hours and it makes for a hard day at work for me.
So, I let Bing bring me home the subliminal message tapes and have even made an appointment to try a different massage therapist this week. I figure that I need all the help I can get.
Last night, I tucked into bed early and popped in the subliminal tape. The music started and as usual, I fell asleep within moments. I woke up when I felt Bing get into bed a few hours later.
I sleepily pulled her arm up and laid my head on her shoulder. Asked her if Liv was okay, had she checked her recently?
Yes, she said. She had just come from Liv's room. She was sleeping soundly and Socks was keeping guard.
I yawned. Leaned up to kiss her goodnight.
And then she said, "Um, honey? Do you fall asleep right away when the music goes on?"
I said that yes, I did, Why?
She hesitated and then sort of chuckled.
"Well...it's just that the last few nights...well...never mind."
Don't you fucking hate it when someone says never mind like that?
It woke me right up.
"What?" I asked.
She seemed hesitant, so I repeated the question.
Wellll," she began. "It's just that, well...the last few nights I have heard what I thought was you sort of....murmuring in your sleep and I came to the side of the bed and listened."
I was awake now.
"What was I saying?" I asked her. "Was I talking in my sleep?"
She laughed very, very quietly and pulled me in closer.
"Yeah," she admitted. "You were saying some weird shit."
Like what sort of weird shit? Like...Let's kill the Republicans weird shit?
"No," she said, "You were saying...like...phrases."
"What kind of phrases?" I asked.
"Well, like tonight you said I am a person of great value and then a few moments later, you said, Old dogs CAN learn new tricks and then again, a few minutes passed and you said, I am willing to learn new things. It is an ADVENTURE.", she said, sheepishly.
I was quiet for a moment.
"Anything else?" I finally asked.
"You also said, I am doing my best and I am proud of my accomplishments. And then you said, Even though I am not at my best healthwise, I am still able to find happiness in my life."
"Well," I finally was able to answer. "I guess that subliminal shit is working, huh?"
She and I laughed a little.
"Frankly," she answered, "it was sort of eerie. Like it was you, but not you. And I admit that I thought maybe I should make you a little subliminal tape of my own...you know I could put on there I don't care if Bing ever finishes painting the bathroom or maybe I want to have hot, naked, sweaty sex with Bing at least six times a week...."
That made me laugh. It did.
But this morning, I looked at that tape for a long, long time. I mean, it sort of does freak me out that I seem to be a little soldier for such intense learning. Who knew? I would never think myself capable of that sort of thing, that parroting of a subliminal tape. It is probably because I fall asleep and go into deep relaxation. But, now not only am I scared of my computer at work, I am sort of leery of that damn tape.
I will just keep my eye on Bing hauling in any strange looking cds....