I peered inside. It didn't look busy. I would just
There was an elderly couple in front of me. Let's call them Bob and Lois. They referred to each other as honey and sweets but by the end of my experience, they seemed more like jackass and dimwit so I will just name them.
Actually, elderly isn't the right word either. They were older. Probably in their sixties.
There was only one cashier. There is always just one cashier. This seems ridiculous to me. But, there you go.
The guy in front of them took a long time. He must have been ordering for a little league or something, so they had plenty of time to peruse the menu. I mean, it isn't as though it was hidden or something. There it was in huge letters right above them. They talked, their faces inches from each others, adoring each other's visage. I thought to myself how nice it must be to be married that long and still like each other that much. I love Bing, but I don't nuzzle her or keep my nose two inches from hers in fast food joints. This couple was talking about what they were going to buy someone named "Suze" and "the grands" on their expedition to Shopko.
Finally, it was their turn. I expected them to get coffee and egg mcmuffins and go.
But, no. Of course not.
The cashier, a girl who looked like she had gotten in from her hot date at 2 a.m., breaking her curfew and in trouble (but hey..it was so worth it because he is awesome!) but managed to get up to make it to her 6 a.m. job, was polite but obviously bored. She said in a monotone, "Welcome to McDonald's. What can I get for you today?"
Bob and Lois took this very personally.
Bob: Well, thank YOU, dear. We are glad to be here!
There was a silence. The cashier, (let's call her Judy) waited. Bob and Lois smiled big ones. They seemed to be waiting.
Judy tried again. What can I get for you today?
Well, now. They just didn't know. Did she have a favorite?
Judy looked stunned. A favorite? I could see the wheels moving in her head. What she wanted to say was, "A FAVORITE? Are you mother fucking shitting me??? This food is pure grease and salt. I've worked here for two years and I can tell you that we spit on the burgers, man and water down the catsup and I can't tell you how many times I have dropped a burger on the floor and picked it up and put it in a bun anyway...
Lois looked up at Bob like he was Ronnie and she was Nancy.
Lois:Honey? Do you want the flapjacks? Those might be tasty and maybe an egg? Some sausage?
Did she think this was Denny's?
Bob looked down on her, ran his hand over her back. "Sweets, I sure don't see flapjacks on the menu. Where exactly do you see that sugar?"
JESUS. Shoot me now.
I shifted on my cane, my knees starting to lock a bit, my temper rising. For fuck sakes, FLAPJACKS? Who says FLAPJACKS anymore? They are PANCAKES, you idiot.
Judy looked like she had never heard the word flapjacks in her life.
Bob sighed. Looked at the menu.
Was it possible that they had never been to a McDonald's before? Could this be Candid Camera? I looked around for a hidden camera.
Lois also noted that they had orange juice. Did he want orange juice?
Bob frowned. No. He thought he'd just have a flapjack, an egg, maybe a slice of bacon or two and some coffee.
Judy offered him something called a "big breakfast." He could get two pancakes, eggs, bacon and tater gems.
Well, hey...Bob didn't think he could eat two pancakes. And what did they do to the eggs? Scramble them? Over easy? He wasn't sure he needed potatoes either, or what did she call them? Tater gems? Could he have fruit instead?
Four people were behind me now. I turned around to see a black woman dressed in a smashing black dress. Her lips were shiny with gloss. She and I looked at each other incredulously. This had to be a joke.
Lois piped up that "Honey, I can eat your extra pancake and I like tater gems!"
Bob smiled indulgently at Lois. "But, honey...you know that those things are not good for your blood sugar!"
If he chucked her on the chin, I was ready to smack him on the back of his knees with my cane.
A manager finally noticed that the line was now going out the door and he offered to "assist you in your meal planning over here."
They went to the side and by the time I got my burrito, they had figured some sort of deal out. They also told the manager (who Bob jovially called "Sonny Boy"..I kid you not) that they were from some tiny town to the north and yes, had never been to a McDonald's.
I was limping back to my car when the black woman overtook me.
She smiled widely. "Did you ever hear of such a thing? I can't wait to tell the ladies at my church meeting why I am late..."
I agreed. We laughed. We had to laugh. Because the truth was, we had both been this close to acting like real bitches in a McDonald's. I pictured me smacking Bob right across his ample bottom, smartly whacking him with my cane. I pictured the black woman catching Lois by her bag with embroidered photos of her grandchildren on them and whirling her around and around and then just....letting her sail.
I settled into my car and opened my bag, mouth watering a little for my breakfast burrito.
Except, of course, and you can see this coming, can't you? they had gotten my order wrong and I was holding what looked to be a croissant with egg and cheese.
I looked at my cane. Looked down at my smart hiking boots.
These boots are made for walkin'....and that's just what they'll do...one of these days these boots are gonna...."
News at Five!