I do not have a good relationship with my body. I'm one of those women who cry when they shop for bathing suits.
Last summer, when Liv was on vacation with her father, Bing and I spent one lovely, lazy afternoon in bed. The sun was spilling in the windows and it was not yet hot or humid, so the windows were open and a breeze was coming in just perfectly, not too hot or too cool...just perfect to lay naked while it cooled us off after some serious lovemaking.
We fell asleep in each other's arms and when I awakened a few hours later, Bing was already up and outside tending the garden. I dressed and went out to join her. She smiled up at me as my shadow stood over her.
"I was watching you sleep for a while," she said sweetly. "You looked lovely, with your skin all creamy and white on those blue sheets...I just looked and looked at you and then leaned down and kissed your shoulder and you smelled like cocoa butter. It made me wish that I could paint. I would have liked to paint you..."
This sounds idyllic, yes?
NO!
I tried not to show it, but I was horrified. She had taken a good long look at my naked body and...lingered?
I gulped. Imagined me probably drooling or making some gross snuffling noises in my sleep while my cottage cheesey thighs splayed out on the sheets. My breasts flopping into my armpits. My toes with their bunions and that one hideous hammer toe. My poochy stomach all squishy looking and droopy.
I do not like my body. I never have. Even when I was sixteen and wore bikinis regularly in the summer, I have never thought that I was pretty or had a decent body. I have one breast that is slightly larger than the other. My ass looks pocky with cellulite. My hair was never my crowning glory. It went from mouse brown to grey in short order. My teeth are yellow from all the antibiotics I took as a child. My lips are too thin, I never have had full, sensuous lips like all those models in Vogue. I have a small waist that I sort of like, but then well...there are my fattish upper arms, with just enough fat on them to swing a little.
The thought of my lover, the woman I loved, gazing down at my naked body did not make me blush with pleasure. It made me feel like cringing. I had gotten past being shy about nakedness around her. I just made sure that if I was naked, she wasn't standing around staring at me.
Now, Bing...on the other hand? She says that she likes her body and I believe her. She is not much taller than I am, but is very lean and muscled. She is a runner, a swimmer, the sort of person who works out daily and does yoga twice a week. She doesn't have an inch of excess body fat on her. What's not to like? I guess I should amend this to say that she is comfortable with her body.
I am not comfortable with mine.
I'm not sure what the key is to find that path either.
Bing has always said that she loves my body, uses words like supple, silky, and sexy when describing mine. Lots of lovely S words. I don't see it. I'm not being coy either. I honestly do not think I have a beautiful body.
So, time to do a body meme, I suppose and let my insecurities come to the surface. I got this from MCCUTCHEON over at Squishy Thoughts.
Body Meme
1)Should you exercise more? Hell, yes. I live with a woman who works out daily, runs every morning come rain or come shine and even does yoga twice a week. She gets very, very cranky if she misses her workout. My workout is walking the dog every morning, walking him again with Liv after school and then again after supper. That is ALL I do. I don't run unless the house is on fire or I have to go to the grocery store because we are out of oreos.
2)What concerns you most about your body? All of my illnesses. I have type one diabetes, rheumatoid arthritis, meniere's syndrome, colitis and sciatica. I sometimes feel sorry for myself. This embarrasses me and makes me feel pathetic, so mostly I just pretend to everyone that I am fine all of the time, although often I simply am not.
3)Do you like your body? No.
4)Other people's bodies? I am remarkably fine with everyone else's body. I don't think that fat, skinny or disfigured people are ugly. I really am okay with everyone else's body and can always find something beautiful in someone else. It is myself that I have a problem with...
5)What part of the body is most important in the other sex? Since I am a lesbian, I don't think too much about men's bodies, but when I do, I like chisled arms. And yes, in a woman, I find the same thing very appealing.
6)If you could change one thing about your body, what would it be? I would change my metabolism back to what it used to be before I hit 30. Once I hit the age of 30, I noticed that I could no longer eat anything I wanted and not gain weight. I knew that if I ate like a pig, I would pay by turning into one. Being diabetic, I have learned to be very careful about what I eat, but I used to be able to eat SO much more. Now, I have to be very wise about what I eat. I hate that. I especially crave food at night, so I have all kinds of little tricks to keep from eating. I brush my teeth, because who wants to eat after you have used your Crest and gargled with Listerine? I force myself to drink two big glasses of water before I let myself eat after dinner. I didn't have to do that until I turned 30.
7)Something else you'd like to say? I wish that I could learn to love my imperfect body. It bothers me that I am so critical of myself. I wish that I could be the kind of person who could stretch like a cat and smile when Bing looks at me naked instead of pulling the sheets around myself a bit.
So, since I like to learn about all of you....how do you feel about your body? Do you think woman are more critical than men of their bodies? Do you think that our body perceptions begin in childhood? What can we do to help our children be more comfortable in their containers?
31 comments:
I am recovered from a pretty severe eating disorder so I think it's safe to say that I do not like my body.
And, like you, I can't even manage to believe it that anyone else would love my body, either.
But there are a couple who've waxed poetic about my body and I try very hard to see myself the way they see me.
Will it help to know that you are probably in the majority on this one and I am sitting right beside you? I found removing any mirrors from the bedroom that revealed anything below the neck a big help. Truly.... The only time I ever see it is if I have to try anything on in a store, hence my hatred of shopping.
If I had known my husband had been staring at my naked bod in all it's unconscious glory, I would have been just as horrified.
yeah... you're asking a 35-yr and older woman what she feels??? LOL...unless your Brangelina or something...I guess I'm ok with mine. I of course wouldnt parade around the house naked or anything... To answer the rest of your inquiries..yes..I think women are slightly more critical than men..and yes body perceptions begin in childhood. I guess if we're comfortable in our own skin, so to speak..maybe our kids will be as well???
When I was younger I had a killer body but really didn't see it. I hated how I looked. Now that I am older and lot more puggy I have come to terms with it. It should be the other way around.
As usual Maria, you hit it right on the head. I am in the same place you are, the same ideas on my own body. Never has been good enough, never will be. Too bad really. But I find as i get older, who gives a damn? Really? I am trying so hard to accept me as I am, although that is not meant to be a license to let myself go. I do the best I can with me, the rest of it is up to nature, I suppose.
I'm not sure I could do this meme. I'm hypercritical of myself and my body. There's very little about it I like, even after losing 92 pounds. Actually, I can't think of anything about it I like. I look in the mirror and all I see is everything I don't like. Because of that I think I probably teeter on the line of an eating disorder now, but stay on the healthy side of it, aware of what I need to do (or not do) to stay healthy.
I do believe that research has actually shown us now that negative body image in girls starts as young as 8-9 years old, so yes, body perceptions definitely begin in childhood.
I think the first thing we need to do as a society to help children become more comfortable in their own bodies goes back to the media, and using size zero girls, who's BMIs are in the unhealthy range, as the standard for beauty. Our girls grow up with that as the measure for themselves, it's not realistic or healthy. Beyond that, teaching healthy eating and exercise habits from early childhood would, I imagine, set the stage for healthy habits to carry them through life.
You don't have to love your body, Maria, but be grateful that Bing does and don't hide it away from her.
As we get older our tastes change and soft becomes beautiful. Enjoy all of those lovely "S" words she uses.
As for me; I'm happy with my forty-nine year old, saggy body.
Sure I miss my young, lean and muscly body, but it would just look creepy with my old head on top of it.
hehee! I'm with Dive.
Yeah, I have one of those pale, cellulite laden, giant ass and paunchy guts (hey, I gave birth more than a few times, gimme a break!)bodies.
But, I do have the curse of beauty!
And I have a sneaking suspicion you do too!
I cringe at the thought of Bernie looking at my naked body, but then again, I cringed at the thought of Bernie looking at my naked body when I was 60lbs lighter as well.
When I weighed 120lbs, I thought I was fat. It doesn't matter. Its all an inside job, Maria.
Plus, if you really wanted...take care of some of the aesthetics if you can...
I had yellow teeth all my life. Finally I just went and had them ZOOMED. Now they aren't exactly brilliant white, but they sure ain't yeller and I can "smile with confidence!"
Dye that mouse brown/gray hair!
I've mouse hair too..hehe, not that Ive actually seen it in a good 25 years...
Do something with your hair. Dang!
A little cut and color would do wonders for your self-esteem.
But, it has to be with someone GOOD. Nothing WORSE than a bad cut and color.
Why don't you just come out here and we'll give you a Jersey Make-over.
(scary, huh!)
This is such a common theme, Maria. I'm just a wee bit older than you and, like you, have had serious health issues that have prevented me from exercising for a few years; not that I did all that much before but my lifestyle as a traveller for work was hectic and in between all those long working hours and flying back and forth, I didn't need to worry about my weight too much.
It didn't help having a mother with an eating disorder - I was always too big for her tastes and she always gave mixed messages like "don't eat that, you'll get fat" and then piling my plate with food and saying "think of all the starving children in Africa" while making me eat every morsel. Much as I tried not to be like her, I really was - secretly counting calories and practising denial of my cravings until I couldn't resist when I was feeling emotional. I was never anorexic though, I like food too much. Now in her mid 70's, Mother sent me an email just the other day saying that she was "old, fat and ugly and aging disgracefully". Now, what sort of role model is that?
These days, particularly since menopause after which my body seems to have changed shape altogether and with medication which has seen me put on 30lbs, I feel very much like you say you feel. I suffer from cellulite where I sit and my arms which were always lean and muscled now just look large. I feel as though I look like a weightlifter as my chest has taken on a Dolly Partonesque tone and I have hips for the first time in my life. I also have a belly that would suit an accomplished belly dancer.
M.B who it has to be said, has the most beautiful body I've ever seen on a man, occasionally says nice things though, although not quite as eloquently as Bing - more like "nice ass" and occasionally referring to my "lovely, tiny tits"!!
This is a very long-winded way of saying that I think that women of our generation whose mothers wore girdles (just a short step down from the corset) were raised to aim for the perfect figure and practice denial of nourriture and are therefore intensely critical if they don't feel that they measure up. From what I see on the streets of our town, most girls today seem much more comfortable with a bit more weight than my generation would have accepted. Then there are the racial differences - we have a lot of tiny, slim, Asian women here and we all feel like elephants around them. Think Lucy Liu and you will understand (incidentally, I'm absolutely spellbound by "Cashmere Mafia" - love it and the beautiful clothes the women wear).
The majority of women of Caucasian race have Rubenesque rather than Barbie figures and if we all looked like Barbie, then the fashion magazines would never sell!
Modesty prevents me from parading naked too. I'd much rather cover up, sometimes preferably with a Burkha so I understand completely your horror at being seen at your most vulnerable! But this was Bing - your Bing - and Dive is right - the most important thing is that Bing loves you and loves your body with all of its nuances. You really can't ask for more than that.
I was reading your post (I love your blog), and the section where you described your health issues popped out at me. Are you familiar with celiac disease? I was diagnosed with celiac last November. Most of the problems you mentioned are linked to celiac. Since my diagnosis and subsequent shift to a gluten free diet, I feel better than I have in 20 years. Most doctors still don't test for it, although one in 133 Americans has it.
Oh so with you on this, and I'm certain that women are worse. I hardly ever shop for clothes because it is like torture by changing room mirror. Does my bum look big in this - oh yes, but you can't blame the trousers...it's awful!
I deal with it by staying right away from anything that is likely to contain images of glamorous women as per the current media yardstick; ads, glossy magazines, most chick lit. It doesn't solve it, but it helps keep things in perspective a bit.
Childbirth doesn't help either; it's hard to get used to the differences that brings, whether it's stretch marks or mummy tummy. But most of the toned, skinny women I know are no less insecure. In fact they're probably even worse - most of their efforts are driven by self-loathing. It makes me sad.
Maria, you have hit a sensitive nerve in my heart. My weight/body image.
I just posted about this not 2 hours ago!!
I am not happy with my body. Never have been even when 99 lbs. I equate my nakedness with ugly in my head.
I feel that men are just as critical of their own bodies but its not with self loathing. They are critical but a) do something to fix it or b) do nothing because they figure "oh well!" and move on to something else. Woman agaonize over it more.
My husband loves my body and I cant understand it either. My husband prefers my body a little pudgier than I like it, he likes soft and curvy. I'm grateful for this.
My son is 14 and he and his peers are much more worried about this issue than I ever was my whole life. I have had to educate him about nutrition. He is thin thin thin and he thinks he is fat. He was a pudgy child though and got teased so bad at school. I NEVER said a word to him about weight or anything, he gets it from his friends and his girlfreinds who obsess about their weight. I just try to educate him about growth and hormones and good nutrition and now he is WAYYYYYYYY better about not trying to skip eating. It is heartbreaking to hear kids talk about their self image. I also compliment his friends and him about how they look and they are always SHOCKED and shy about these compliments so I realized that they crave to be told. So I do. Honest compliments though. Like if they have a great jacket on I say; "You look great today, nice jacket." I hope this helps them have more self confidence.
During his middle school years when boys 10-12 tend to be very pudgy in general I actually had to sit several times outside the school when the bell rang and I pointed out to him all the kids his age had the SAME pudginess. he was incredulous! He felt he was so much bigger than they but indeed no, he was smaller or the same. It helped him reassess his self image at that time of his life. I would do anything to help him not feel bad about himself.
I regret being so SHY about my body when I was 19 or so. I looked really good and I was too shy to show it off.
I used to be pretty critical of my body and pick out parts that I didn't like.
these days, I'm ok with it and am thrilled that my partner likes it - that's what matters most.
Oh I absolutely hate my body - mostly because I am about 50lbs overweight. My heritage is Irish and I have short little Irish potato picker legs that are strong and thick...but hardly attractive. Gravity has not been kind either...I have to convince my boobs to point north when I dump them into my bra in the morning. It's a sad thing.
I definitely think that most women are overly critical of their bodies. My daughter is tall and thin and gorgeous (if you don't mind me bragging) and she just picks herself apart despite my years of telling her how pretty she was. She's measuring herself to the Hollywood standard which is surgically altered and airbrushed and fake. It's plastered on bilboards and in magazines on the web...these kids don't see anything else. How do you compete with that?
My dear - if someone finds you: supple, silky and sexy...grab it and run with it! Bing loves you body and soul...that is a rare find.
During my college years I had one seriously hot, toned body. I knew it (and used it to my advantage) but I didn't appreciate it. I had it without any effort. I could (and did) pour gallons of beer into it and feed it nothing but pizza and tacos and it was still there. Now that I appreciate it, that body has deserted me to my unhealthy habits. I want it back, but man, I am just too lazy to do all that work.
Yes, I think women are harder on themselves than men. Probably because we're taught in one way or another that pretty is good. Do the fat, ugly, or plain janes of the world make the cheerleading squad or get voted homecoming queen? No. Who's on television or singing our favorite songs? The beautiful people again.
Women have definitely been trained to be hyper-critical of our "containers."
What can we do to help? When a child looks at someone in a store and announces that the person if fat, or wrinkled, or hairy, or bald, or green, I don't think that child should be shushed up. It is quite likely that the person is fat or wrinkled or hairy, etc. I think that is one of the beginnings of the different=bad trends, and it starts early.
Hmm, love my body...no, puleeze - i am 46 and well there have been some gravitational issues. But I am comfortable with it, all sagy and wrinkly. Now that our son is off to college I wander around naked in the morning while I am getting ready. Totally cracks up my wife.
Try to feel beautiful Maria. I know that you are.
Hi, Amy and welcome. Yes, I am familiar with celiac disease and have been tested for it. I don't have it. About 15 years ago, I was very ill and tested for everything under the sun before it was decided that I had meniere's syndrome. I was tested for lupus, MS, celiac disease and a few others. It was then that I also found out that I had rheumatoid arthritis.
Just getting a diagnosis was a relief, I thought I was going insane or something...
I DO eat a lot of gluten free foods, though, simply because I like them.
Stop by again anytime. Very nice to meet you.
Yes, I have some issues with my body. My belly is a bit too round & pokes out a bit too much. My hips are...well, wide and speaking of... But, still, there are some good parts. My legs are strong and if they weren't attached to my wonky knees I'd luv 'em dearly.
I'm working on the sum of my parts. Perhaps not as hard as I should, but certainly as hard as I can, right now.
I was very nervous the first time the gf & I got to that moment. It had been a looooong time since I was naked with anyone else in the room.
Feeling better these days about my body construction. My biggest issues had been my skin tone. That issue is on a "whole nutha level."
I so identify with that! I hate my body, too. I have been going to the gym, but it is such a slow process. And even when my pants were half the size they are now, I still didn't like it. I have the issue with my chest, too. That is too friggin weird. Is it okay that I laughed at loud a few times? ;o)
I have had one issue with my body since I can remember, and my son has it as well. It's genetic, so you really can't do anything about it. Most would call it a beer belly, which is funny because I don't drink beer. But if you look at photo's of my maternal grandfather and all his sons, everyone of them had/have one. My son managed to get rid of his briefly while attending Uni, but only by working out everyday, and practically starving himself. After he stopped doing this, the pot belly came right back.
After my wife died in late 06, I started going to the gym, and have lost 75 pounds now, still have the belly, and a few other things that have shown up in my 48 years. But I'm pretty comfortable with myself, I walk around naked at home, and my girlfriend who has a beautiful Rubenesque body, does too. I prefer a woman with curves, and think the models today are sadly showing a version of women that rarely exist. Like others have said, be happy Bing loves you just the way you are, and try to find little ways to love your own body as well. I think it makes one happier when they can do that.
Once again, I could have written this post, it reflects my feelings about my body entirely. It amazes me that anyone could find anything attractive about it, but I am learning that attraction involves so much more than just we see on the surface. Just as when we listen to our own recorded voices, the way others perceive us is so much different than the way we preceive ourselves. Although I don't have a love affair with my body and never will, I've also given up hating it. I've reached an age of accepting that it is what it is, and not a whole lot about it is going to change. If it gets me where I want to go and who I want to be with I am blessed!
I am not happy with my body either and haven't been for many years. But now I'm old and have sort of accepted things as they are and just pray that I can stay fairly healthy for a good long time. When I was married I was very shy and my husband rarely caught glimpses of me naked. That's just my make-up...if I would have had the body of a bathing beauty, I would have been the same way. (unfortunately I didn't have such a body, but..oh well) I would have been upset also about my lover seeing me in my glory when I was asleep and unaware....but I guess we must remember the old saying, "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" and those words are very true. So, self-conscious as you are,(like most of us) Bing loves you and loves everything about you....and its wonderful to be loved and love back.
I'm not comfortable in my body, but then I weigh 40 pounds more than I did six years ago and I can't seem to lose anything.
Dan weighs as much as I do now and he is really hating it. He thinks he should be 155 forever.
A friend who is almost 70 (and truly HOT) said that when she was in her 20's she hated her body.
Then in her 30's she said she looked at pictures of her 20's and loved that body, wondered why she hated it compared to her 30's (which she hated).
Then in her 40's she looked at the previously "hated" 30's photos, compared it to her now hated body and wondered why she had hated her 30's body.
Then she hated her 50's body and loved the 40's body...why hadn't she seen how great she looked then? Why had she hated it?
It wasn't until she reached her 60's that she finally loved her body just as it was.
She's one of my heroes.
weese pointed me to this post...and we were discussing how amazing it is that so many women (and it seems men as well) are unhappy with their bodies.
im in the same boat. i dislike my body and always have...even when i was considered under weight.
it's tons of work to re-route these brain paths of ours.
I don't have time to read all of these comments, but I think it says a lot about us all that we have so much to say on this subject.
As I was reading, I thought you were describing me, except for the small waste. My sister says all the women in our family have hips that are too close to our ribs for us to have small wastes. I like to think that's true.
I have just lately, in my 40s, come to be comfortable with myself. There are so many other things to think about--things that interest me and things that are important in the long run.
I have two daughters (20 and 17), and I have always been very careful not to let them get caught up in the nutiness of thinness. It helps that they are both thin, but they don't have to work at it or even give it a second thought at this stage in their lives.
Larry the Pole, my college boyfriend ("I'm Larry. This is my brother Darryl and my other brother Darryl") tried to saddle me with the nickname "Lumpy". I was not amused. I was 5'4" and 125 lbs. Now that I actually am lumpy, I'm much more at ease with myself.
I am fit and fairly slim, but there's plenty for me to hate. Everything from my slightly thick ankles all the way up to my eyelids. I get so tired of it and wish I could like what I see I the mirrior. The worst part of it is that I resent having my kids because of how much pregnancy and childbirth messed up my body. If only they could have hatched from eggs. Little eggs.
I think it is wonderful that Bing would look at your sun dappled naked body in repose and would want to immortalize it. Better yet, would to be able borrow her eyes for a little while to see what she sees, and appreciate it.
There are some things I don't like about my body. Losing 85 pounds in 18 months when your 40 does a number on your skin (and why is my really fair Irish skin devoid of any kind of self lubrication??? Oh, cuz I'm fair and Irish!). I had a c-section with Chris, so my belly has a panus where the scar is, just a flap of loose skin. If I keep the weight off, I'm having it surgically removed, dammit. I don't even want to talk about my boobs...poor girls!
Given that my body hasn't turned on itself yet, I can do a lot of exercise, and do. I like chiseled arms, too, and am working on my own pair! And building up my pecs has helped the boob situation a little bit.
All that aside, I never did have a good body image. When I was a long and lanky 18 year old I bitched that I was too tall for my size 6 jeans. I have what is now considered fashionable almond eyes and full lips, but trust me in the 80s, it was NOT in vogue. And I bitched when I gained weight. Now, I'm about done bitching. Beyond being unseemly, it is a waste of breath. It will be what it will be. But I do have some say in the matter.
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