I had to take my Aunt Tootie to the doctor yesterday. While she went in for her check up, I sat in the waiting room reading an US magazine. There was a short piece in there from "relationship columnist" Dan Savage, giving tips on Valentine's Day dilemmas. I ended up jotting down his advice because it was just too strange to pass up. Plus, I needed a blog topic....
Basically, Dan gave us 6 problems and how to fix them.
1) You're the only one at work who doesn't get flowers.
Dan advises that it is pathetic to send yourself flowers and to try not to see this day as a competition.
Are you kidding me? There are people out there who actually send themselves flowers? Call me naive, but it never occurred to me that anyone would do that. And why flowers? I mean, if I am going to send myself something, it isn't going to be some namby pamby flowers, I am sending a big ass box of Godiva chocolates. I am the perfect person to know what Maria would want and candy wins over flowers, hands down.
2) You're in a new relationship.
Dan suggests that you do something "fun" instead of romantic, like see a horror movie or go bowling.
Okay, BOWLING? Yeah, right at the beginning of the relationship, I really, really want to engage in a sport where my ass is not only front and center, but actually gets splayed out as I bend over and try to roll a heavy ball down an alley. And a horror movie? Did I mention that I get queasy around blood? It is the main reason why I am not a surgeon. I don't mind jumping into people's heads, but I do NOT want to look at their internal organs. Remember The Blair Witch Project? Well, I actually went on a first date to see that. I nearly threw up at the tiny fleeting part where the girl finds that tiny bag of teeth. And then, the bloody handprints on the wall? Oh, good hell. I distinctly remember my date asking me if I wanted to go out for pizza afterwards and I looked at her incredulously and suggested that I'd rather go out and get shit faced drunk instead. I think she thought it was her lucky night but actually I just wanted to get that movie OUT OF MY HEAD.
3) He gives you a lame gift.
Dan says to be cool about it. That he is sure that you have disappointed your partner too at times.
Bing is famous for getting me gifts that SHE likes. She buys me obscure cds by groups that I have never heard of. She once bought me a self help book about taking better care of my finances. Yeah, that went over well. I realized that I needed to be blunt, so I just told her to get me a funny (not gooey...I hate that shit) card and I leave a constant wish list on the fridge. She can pick something off there. The current wish list has 3 items on it: A) a massage B) the new John Grisham book (I am a sucker for his stuff, sorry) and C) tickets to see Van Halen or Bon Jovi. I make it simple for her and it's better for all involved, trust me.
4) You don't know whether to get him a gift.
Dan says if you want one, get him one.
I say that if you haven't kissed for at least ten minutes straight, then forget it. I remember one year when I had recently begun dating this woman and on February 14th, she surprised me at dinner with a pricey diamond bracelet. I was flabbergasted. I hadn't even known it was Valentine's Day. Seriously. I had never really been into that day and since we had only had three previous dates, it never occurred to me that I needed to get her anything. I actually asked her why she was giving me a gift. She replied that I was her Valentine. I think I said something really deep like.."ohhh." She spent the rest of dinner looking hopefully at me while I wondered if I could somehow manage to sneak into a Walgreens and at least grab a card or something. I eventually just told her the truth, that I didn't really see us as Valentines just yet and she should probably take back the bracelet. I think she called me a "hard hearted bitch."
5) Someone asks if you have plans and you don't.
Dan says not to lie, that maybe someone is trying to set you up with a friend or is having a single's party, etc.
Another baffling moment. Why would you LIE about not being free on Valentine's Day? I mean, I just don't get it. That is a PROBLEM that needs to be dealt with? Is your self esteem so precarious that you would be inclined to not only send yourself flowers but also lie and what? Pretend that Justin Timberlake is coming by? And speaking of Justin, have you all seen that kick ass diet Pepsi commercial with him in it? It is truly one of the better ones....
6) You want a special evening with him.
Here Dan and I finally agree. Dan says to tell your partner "cheerfully but firmly" that you want to spend time together and it is important.
Abso-fucking-lutely. I seem to spend a lot of time telling Bing to do things "cheerfully but firmly." It works. Because her idea of what works with me and my idea of what I want are very different. It is the same with sex. I have found that if you aren't getting what you need, you need to "cheerfully and firmly" say exactly what you want.
Of course, this only comes into play if I remember that it is Valentine's Day. But, now that I have a child, I tend to be better about remembering this stuff. She needs to buy Valentines for her class, etc and I always find a little card for her and a little chocolate heart or something similar. And then something for Bing as well.
Actually, I think what I told Bing was: "Just don't get me a fucking self help book again, okay?"
Her answer: "Bloody right. Like I WANT to have you open up the gift and then look at me like I just gave you a pile of dog shit?"
She's learning. Ah, the romance of it all.....
22 comments:
Valentine's Day is right up there with Sweetest's Day. The only time I ever got flowers for Valentine's Day was two years AFTER we were divorced and he realized I wasn't going to come crawling back.
My husband hates Valentine's Day. He doesn't see why he should HAVE to show me he loves me. Plus it comes three weeks after my birthday and 6 weeks after Christmas and by then he's pretty much had it with presents. So usually he buys me something later on, and that's fine with me.
That said, I've bought him a mug with hearts on and I'm going to put chocolates in it. Cheap and cheerful.
My mom used to order her own flowers when my dad forgot their anniversary or committed some other major transgression. She would charge them to the credit card, and when he came home from work that day she would be waiting with a big smile on her face and say in a very sweet voice "Oh honey, the flowers you sent are so beautiful! What a surprise!"
He would laugh and say "Oh I'm so glad you like them". After a few times of this happening he got better about remembering anniversaries and special occasions. He still isn't good about planning things ahead of time, but at least he picks out her presents on his own now.
oh yeah valentines day...but yeah there IS a lot of funky advice out there...like they don't have their heads in the "real world"????
I'd send myself a ticket to Greece. Screw flowers.
i just don't like the whole idea of it...
Hee hee.
Boy am I glad I live alone and don't celebrate Hallmark Tax Day.
Why does the author of that study put a wall between "fun" and "romantic?" Seems to me the two can be one and the same.
Another great post, Maria. You are once humorous and wise.
May I link You on Isis?
My ex never acknowledged Valentines day. Or my birthday or Christmas come to think of it. Dan does though and it makes it completely unnecessary for me to buy my own flowers.... that I so never bought for myself. :)
John Grisham is my guilty pleasure as well. I can't help myself! Even if the plot doesn't involved lawyers in the deep south...
Dan Savage writes a syndicated sex advice column (reading it in the Village Voice is another of my guilty pleasures) entitled, Savage Love and I will tell you what...
Someone must have pumped Thorazine into this mocha-choco-half-caff-soy-latte before his wrote what you read.
He's an openly gay sex advice columnist. His strong opinions normally clash with the traditional...
AND more often than not its pee-yer-pants hilarious.
US must have paid him mega-money to tone himself down to this pablum.
Advice columns and self-help books, along with court and Springeresque tv shows, exist to reinforce our moral and intellectual superiority. We are smarter than the average bear.
;^D
East Coast Dweller, be my guest.
And Angelissima, if you are dead serious about getting rid of those Whole Food certificates, let me know. All donations thankfully taken....
Lulubelle: What's with this dissing of bears?
When the winter snow hits, a bear crawls into a snug little den lined with fragrant fir branches and sleeps until spring.
A human scrapes ice off their windshield and slips and slides on a deadly road just to get to an office and do stuff they hate all day.
When a bear is hungry, he enjoys a healthy diet of fresh salmon and sweet berries. He pays nothing.
A human buys cans and boxes of processed crap in Walmart.
When a bear is angry, it immediately smacks or bites the hell out of whatever stupid thing annoyed it.
When a human is angry, he or She typically either takes it out on someone who doesn't deserve it or represses his or Her emotions and gets an ulcer.
Who's the smart one?
We don't celebrate Valentine's Day. Never did. I also did not know people lied and sent themselves flowers for the day. Kind of speaks volumes about our society. But if I were buying myself a gift, I agree - it would totally be some nice chocolates!
When you said you took aunt tootie to the doctor I thought you meant you had a gynae appointment....
Dan Savage as in Savage Love? He's got a legit column now? That's kind of a sellout... I loved his racy column in The Onion.
I am so not a Valentine's person, though I did sometimes get a little jealous of people who got flowers and I didn't... I'm small, I know :-)
I'm not a big valentine's person either. I like to do cards (not for my husband, but my family and friends) and of course I like candy but I'd smack my husband across the head if he ever bought me flowers. They're way too much money and I'm allergic to most stuff anyway.
As for US Weekly, see, we need a magazine for us real people. Maria, you could run it. We could call it "Them" since we're obviously all not the US of the previous mag, ha ha. Of course people might mistake it for THEM! which is just about giant ants eating everything in their path, but that's ok too.
Dan Savage is usually very, very funny. I think he got his start in the Village Voice. Going to have look up the contents of this article in its entirety...but I think your takes on the issues should be published, widely at that :) The bowling date had me howling! Yeah, my ass should be front and center, and I should be what, all gooshey watching him hurl a heavy object at stationary wooden objects, and pounding the shit out of them?? Yikes! Beer me!
r.
I HATE Valentine's day. it's such a forced observance, and the fact that someone needs to write an article on how to maneuver through it gracefully shows it should be abolished. Sheesh.
We're boycotting it this year. Trying to be nice to each other all year round instead, whilst saving our money so we can move house!
Romance? Dead? Who said that?
I'm fairly new -in love- and of course I'm taking every opportunity to be all romance-like and stuff. That said I've tried for that every day (previously to mixed reviews) & hopefully, expectfully, until my last day.
Bowling? On a date? Nope, not since my 30s.
I like Valentines Day for two reasons; I get to romance a lady I like, which is cool; and second, it's an easy way to distinguish myself from most of the compmetition, the hapless losers who drag themselves to WalMart to grab the obligatory $10 flowers and a card...or else do nothing at all.
Think about it dudes...whether you like it or not isn't the point...SHE probably does even if she says otherwise. How easy is this to score some points if you have any creativity at all? Pretty easy...since most men are idiots so just be one who'se not and you hit a homerun. I mean seriously what's the big deal? You can't show her you care a bit more on this day? How tough is it really?
Flame away...lol
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