Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Range of motions

In a previous post, I wrote about pots and lids and decisions and fate. But, I am a true believer in a whole range of motion when it comes to fate.

I don't believe in soul mates. Sorry. I know that this will cause many of you to e-mail me, etc. and tell me that there is too! such a thing as fate, that you are currently living happily with your soul mate.

Sorry. I don't buy it. I believe that there are many, many paths to happiness that exist for all of us. And, on the flip side, many, many paths to unhappiness. If Bing and I weren't together, we could be happy with others. Maybe not AS happy, but happy. I believe that we don't just have one person out there who we are destined to be with. I think there are LOTS of them.

This doesn't mean that I am unhappy with Bing (although this morning she made me so mad that I could have thrown a dish at her), it just means that there are others out there for both of us, if we had chosen to go that way.

We didn't. We chose each other. And it's all good.

But, be honest...don't you ever wonder what if?

What if I had married my high school sweetheart?
What if I hadn't married so young, had waited. Would I have met someone else?
What if I hadn't broken up with so and so? Would we have made it?

What ifs aren't unhealthy, unless you obsess over them. What ifs make us think.

Take today. After I dropped Liv off at school, I went for coffee with my bff, Harriet and Jack, another parent. We talked about our partners. Actually, I think we were bitching about our partners. I was in a snit at Bing. (Long story involving a toilet that she supposedly fixed but didn't and me taking a shower and getting blasted with steaming hot water every time the toilet gurgled.) Harriet was pissy at her husband whose turn it was to drive the kids to school but snuck out of the house early to go to breakfast with his friends, leaving her to do it. Jack told us that the best thing about being divorced was that he didn't have to deal with his ex wife's bad moods in the morning.

Harriet jokingly commented that she knew she should have married Chuck, the man she dated before her husband.

"He was nuts about me," she said. "If I had told him to get on the floor and bark like a seal, he would have. Now THAT was a man who knew how to take orders. Too bad that I couldn't stand his family or the way that he seemed overly devoted to his mother, so I broke up with him."

After coffee, I decided to stop at my neighborhood library because they were having their annual book sale. Tons of good books to be had for 50 cents and a dollar!

I wandered up and down the aisles, turning my head sideways from time to time to check out titles, pulling some books out to read their jackets, etc.

I glanced up to see a very good looking Indian man standing next to me in jeans and a suede jacket. We smiled and our eyes caught, one of those looks where you sort of check each other out. Nothing naughty, nothing sullied, just...a bit of an interest.

I went back to looking at titles and I thought about how I have always been interested in certain types of men and women. In men, I find Indian men attractive. I have a friend, Nirand, who is the spitting image of Mohinder Suresh from Heroes. I like men who are what Bing calls "John Boys", men who look and act sort of poetic and writerly. John Cusack. Johnny Depp. John Malkovich. When it comes to women, I am less choosy but Laura Linney, Diane Lane and Jodie Foster do it for me nicely, nicely.

I kept looking and finally gave up and went into the library itself to pick up a book that was waiting for me on hold: Complications by Atul Gawand. And there he was again, the Indian gentleman. This time he looked at the book in my hands and smiled.

"Now, I hear that one is good," he said.

I ventured that yes, I had heard that too and checked out the books in his hands: Travels With Charley and another book that I had never heard of. I pointed at his Steinbeck.

"One of my favorites," I said.

"So, you like Steinbeck?"

"Yes. How can anyone not like Steinbeck?" I asked him.

We shared the elevator back down to the book sale and parking lot. Right before we got to the doors out, he said, "YES! I knew I had recognized you. You are a patient of Dr. House's aren't you?"

I stopped. Said yes. He then told me that he was an associate of his, that his name was Dr. Chattaranjan and he had seen me about a month ago when Dr. House had asked him to come in and show me some back exercises that had worked for a similar patient of his.

"My name is Chapal," he said, holding out his hand. "Very nice to see you again."

We shook hands. I stood there vividly remembering my last trip to the doctor, the wonderful time where I had wet my pants and his nurse had graciously given me scrubs to wear. Had he known? Had Dr. House shared with him that I had peed my pants? I felt embarrassed just thinking about it.

Chapal was good looking, I thought. More in a Sayid way, but very easy on the eyes. And that deep, luscious accent, like he would know exactly what to do with his hands in bed.

"So, how are you doing?" he asked.

I had a moment of thinking he meant my bladder before I realized that he meant my back. I told him that I was doing fine and thanked him for the exercises.

"Do you ever do them?" he asked.

I sighed. Decided to be truthful.

"Rarely," I told him. He threw his head back a little and laughed. Lovely white teeth. Did I mention that I truly adore white teeth in a person?

"Not surprised," he said.

We walked slowly to our cars and then he pointed to my ring finger.

"That is a lovely stone," he commented, smiling.

A question being asked.

"My partner gave it to me. It's an amethyst. She knows how much I like purple stones," I answered.

So, yeah. Two questions answered in one shot. His eyes acknowledged the unspoken and so did mine. We got to my car first. He wished me well and said to come say hello the next time I had to visit Dr. House. I said that I would, knowing that I probably wouldn't.

I got in my car and headed to Whole Foods to pick up some clementines for Liv's lunch tomorrow. I thought about Chapal on the drive over. I imagined that I was single and us going on a date. Maybe falling for each other. Thought about his rich black hair and those white, white teeth in my bed. Pictured him teaching Liv how to play soccer, standing by my kitchen stove making curry and telling me about his day.

Daydreaming.

I got to Whole Foods and picked up the clementines and picked up some goat's milk yogurt for me since I was suddenly starving. I nabbed a plastic spoon from the espresso counter and sat in the car eating my yogurt. It was so delicious that after my last spoonful, I actually stuck my mouth inside the container to lick the sides and rim of it. Slurped a bit.

Looked up and saw him. AGAIN.

Chapal. This time he was standing in front of my car curiously watching me snarf up my yogurt. I quickly stopped acting like a pig and rolled down my window. He stepped to the side of the car.

"Are you following me?" We both said it at the same time and then laughed.

I held up my yogurt. "I was just getting a few groceries and um...got a little hungry," I said. "What's your excuse?"

He held up a Wall Street Journal. "I was on my way in to get a chai tea and read the paper before my first patient. I thought that looked like your car..."

I said I had to be going then and he stepped back and waved with his paper.

I put the car in reverse and drove away.

Well. If he knew I had peed my pants, now he could add eats yogurt like a pig to my list of charming attributes.

On the way home, I thought about him some more. This time, I pictured him being a wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am man in bed. I pictured him not liking kids and thinking that Liv was boring. Rolling his eyes at me because I couldn't learn to make a decent curry like his mother's.

It could happen. Either way. A range of motions that could come to be.

The thing about fate is that when it comes knocking, you always have a choice. And maybe it is best when things don't happen, you know?

Free will is a good thing. Being loyal and committed in a relationship is a good thing too.

When I got home, there was a message on the answering machine from Bing.

Hey...hon. I'm sorry that I was snotty to you this morning about the toilet. Yeah, I did fix it, but obviously not well if you almost got burned in the shower because it was what did you call it? Gurgling? I'll take another look at it tonight, okay? Hey, have a good day. I'll bring home chinese okay? So, don't worry about cooking. You know you hate it anyway. Anything good on TV tonight? Or maybe some stupid TV? Any excuse to snuggle under a blanket with you, darlin. Well, gotta go subdue the masses...I love you. Bye.

Sometimes you are just happy with what you have.

But, tell me...I'm curious. What or who are your what ifs?

44 comments:

Earth Muffin said...

What if I had taken a different apartment when I moved here? Would I have met my husband? He lived across the street from me and drove a car with "interesting" stickers on it. I didn't necessarily know if a man or woman lived there but I wanted to get to know whoever it was. One afternoon I was out running errands and saw that car parked in front of a cool little hippie-type shop. He was the only person in there, standing behind the counter. 2 months later we were saying "I love you" and almost 12 years later, here we are with 2 kids and a mortgage and more happiness than I could ever describe. And on the heels of that...what if I had met him in college, instead of a couple of years after? Turns out we lived in the same college town and had many of the same friends...even attended many of the same parties and had the same favorite local band. I don't think we'd have had the same happy ending. He was a party animal at that time, spending days at a time in an alcohol and drug-induced haze. I was no wet blanket, but I never would have considered dating someone with such an utter lack of responsibility. When we finally did meet, he had put that lifestyle to rest and I was a little more open-minded to experimentation. Things just fell into place at the right time for us, I guess.

Glad you enjoyed your yogurt! Oh, and John Malkovich...yowza! What a hottie... "Dangerous Liasons" is one of my favorite movies and he's the reason why!

fairydogmother said...

Mmm, Sayid.

Sorry, I had something else to say but suddenly can't think of anything other than Sayid. Specifically, Sayid in a tux from the flashforward episode a couple of weeks ago.

*sigh*

Fusion said...

How weird Maria, I've been writing a post in my head about my biggest what if for the last three days, I'm going to write it out this evening after I get back from a photo shoot downtown. It happened long ago. I'm going to link to your last two posts too, I hope that's ok.

Cheers!

greymatters said...

I am of a similar mind regarding the whole "soulmates" thing ...

That said, I think it is fair to say that I've never known anyone who fit me better, gets me better (and on and on) than MV does. I'm not much of a what if person, but I have often wondered what my life would be like if I hadn't gone to the concession stand for the third time in one basketball game ... and had MV hit on me.

I'm sure I'd be perfectly fine, but I don't want to even think about it at all.

Trop said...

"I imagined that I was single and us going on a date. Maybe falling for each other. Thought about his rich black hair and those white, white teeth in my bed. Pictured him teaching Liv how to play soccer, standing by my kitchen stove making curry and telling me about his day."

That was my life. My what if? What if my Raj hadn't gone mad. What if the magic we had in those first years hadn't been undone by schizophrenia...

pixielyn said...

Maria I'm not really sure if I DO believe in "soul mates" but I DO believe that you can really really connect on all levels with one person and it might not be your marriage mate.
It happened to me once. It was with a much younger person I worked with. Our sarcastic wit, general interests,intelligence, reading interests, emotional understanding; it was all so perfectly in sinc. My mind flirted at the time with the "what ifs" but I never took that avenue because I truly believed that life is what you make it. That person could have been my "soul mate" but I would have given up SO MUCH MORE by leaving my husband and trying to make it work with this person......and I was NOT unhappy with my marriage, I just stumbled upon someone who better matched me in compatibility.

My heart was given to my husband and I'm a loyal and committed kind of Irish/French/Dutch person who perseveres to the end with the given state of arrangemenst. heh.
Seriously though I do believe after all the excitement of discovery it would have been so utterly boring. My husband is my opposite in every way and we have so much fun figuring it all out.
Perhaps not "soul mates" but good mates all the same!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

When I was 22, I met a man on a student ship sailing from Europe to NY, and we spent every minute of the nine day crossing together.

He returned to grad school in CA, I stayed in NY, and we corresponded for about a year. My life went its course and I guess his did, too. In fact, I know where he lives, still in California where I now live, too, but I'll never contact him.

Sometimes I think of him and wonder what might have been.

sister AE said...

With most things I am SO not a "what if" kind of person! I'm a "what are we going to do NOW" kind of gal.

I think that making a loving relationship work takes just that - work. If two people aren't willing to feed and water the relationship, then it is going to wilt and die.

Now I am willing to perform a "willing suspension of disbelief" for fiction novels and movies. And I do have an imagination. But I think that mostly falls into the category of entertainment.

If pressed, I guess my what-ifs run along the lines of "what if I had actually figured out what to do to make a living years ago instead of still wondering what I wanted to be when I grew up?"

sandyshoes said...

Oh, do I have what-ifs.

What if I hadn't married (how best to say this?) the perfect penis, and instead stayed in/deepened a relationship with my grad school roommate? The laughs he and I had together -- that's the stuff that keeps you young. But no. I moved back East and married for sex, too blinded to see that a lasting relationship can't be built on orgasms alone. I was divorced in a few years. Then my what-if married someone else, then I married someone else, then he got divorced, and now he's married to another someone else.

I wonder if he wonders, too. Probably not.

My second marriage is strong, and all's well. But like you Maria, I don't believe in soul mates. I know there are many paths to happiness, many variations of the right thing, and that it's all compromise eventually. Which is not as unromantic and hopeless as it sounds :).

Angelissima said...

On Soulmates:

"Find someone who loves you more than you love them."

Advice from a friend and from her husband, "You can find 10 men to love you in a five mile radius"

And from my Mother, "You have the curse of beauty."
I don't think there is such a thing...soulmate.

Most of my relationships were major mistakes, but a few I still file in the "what-if" folder.

I wonder if I had been more patient with my first husband, we would have celebrated our 25th anniversary this year. He was a great funny sweet guy. We were just way to young and having a baby right off the bat, putting him through school (I dropped out of college)was very stressful. My family loves him still.

I kissed a man and felt the earth move. This was the beginning of a horrible relationship, but I still dream about him. We were so alike...in all ways, including sarcasm and self-loathing. We could read each others minds. I wonder, I wonder....

Bernie is a beautiful, devoted soul I don't deserve him. I wonder what if we had met before all of my mistakes. My children would be his children and his children would be mine. What if he met me before his wife? What if his wife didn't die, would we have had the same depth of feeling for each other?

Those are good what-ifs. I've a boat-load of wishes in the what-if I didn't make all those dumb assed decisions mostly done in the heat of emotion....what ifs.

I don't choose to dwell in the past. Its too depressing!

Don't look back in anger or regret.
It is what it is. We should look forward and never settle for second best.

Never settle. Life is too short to be miserable!

chapin said...

I have no idea where to even start with my what if list...there aren't too many but they are major ones. It is interesting that I've been thinking about my ex the past few days and then I ran into her tonight. What if we had stayed together? Let me see...we would be going on 22 years. Sometimes I really miss her and then I run into her or we talk on the phone. I'm quickly reminded of why we called it quits after 16 years.

Gypsy said...

I don't necessarily believe in soul mates but I do believe in fate. I always have.

I try not to go down the "what if" road because it rarely leads to you feeling good and the point is "it isn't". No point on dwelling on something that is done and dusted if it can't be changed.

I also got momentarily distracted when you mentioned Sayid though I am more of a Sawyer girl myself.

Mrs. Schmitty said...

I have a lot of what-ifs. What if I did marry G when I was 19? His family was more dysfunctional than mine. I hear he's in Georgia.
Okay, this is too weird for me Maria, I need to stop thinking of all of the what-ifs popping in my head. Thanks a lot...I don't think I'll be sleeping tonight...guess I'm popping a Lunesta!

Josie Two Shoes said...

The biggest what ifs I have in my life are "What if we had met at another time and place in life, would it have turned out differently?" I wonder that about several relationships from my past. I agree with you about soulmates. There may be someone who is just right for us at this point in our lives, but there are probably others out there who also might be right in different ways. I think the secret lies in being content with where you're at and the choices you've made, so that those what if thoughts don't find you longing for something you feel is missing.

Elle said...

I have a thing for East Indian guys too LOL Sayid definately!!! My chiropractor is also Indian, and before he got married, I used to think he was quite fetching. Him getting married killed the whole "fantasy".

I guess I have "what if" moments but it's mostly like how crappy my life might have been if A) I never met my husband, B) if I never went to University or C) ended up with my high school boyfriend. Honestly, I think I'm where I'm meant to be. I won't lie and say I never wonder about guys from the past though. I wonder if they wonder about me.

Rebecca @ Clumsy Kisses said...

I agree with you - I think there's a lot of people I could be happy with. It's just Himself managed to get me - and what a lucky boy he is. When we got married so young (I was 21, he was 22) people said it wouldn't work, and you know, maybe it won't. But we were willing to give it a shot, and that means a lot to me.

Alex is my major what if, really. He was older than me, and on drugs at the time, and I had a miscarriage with his child. I honestly think that if that baby had survived he would have cleaned himself up and got his act together for us. Maybe we'd be together now, or maybe we'd just swap the child between us. I dunno. I do know he believes that too. He has small star tattoos for me and that baby :)

Another of my what ifs is one of my current friends. She and I are like... soulmates. If I wasn't married I'm sure we would be together now. We adore each other. And, she's hot. Maybe that wouldn't translate into a real relationship but I do think we'd have tried before now.

Amethyst is a beautiful stone :)

dive said...

Too many to mention, Maria.
Sigh …

JYankee said...

hmmmm what if i had studied law in university and not english lit and had not gone on to work in Japan? gosh...the possibilities are endless....

DN said...

When I was young I believed in soul mates and was sure I had found mine. And maybe I had, but time changed both of us and not always in good ways.

I was getting all sappy reading your post to the part where you realized he was dr and might know you pee your pants. Then the laughter just poured out.

We all have our fantasies and besides the good dr made your day.

Shazza said...

"What ifs" could be fun or depressing depending on what your thinking about:

What if I had gone to California like I had planned when I graduated from high school?

What if I came out at 18 instead of 30? My life would have been extremely different.

I would not have gotten married because I was in denial of who I was.

I would not have had my two beautiful children.

What if I had the nerve to say what I really want when it matters instead of hiding behind what people expect of me?

What if I just got up and left everything behind and started new somewhere? Would it be any different than it is now?

Probably not.

On the fun side:

What if Angelina Jolie walked up to me and said: I want you NOW!?

What if I actually did win the lottery?

*******

What if I die tomorrow?

What ifs are fantasies, fears, random thoughts that pass through and linger for a bit then leave.

I guess for some people they are overwhelming - but it's as you said: "What ifs aren't unhealthy, unless you obsess over them."

Kate Isis said...

Voldemort.
And the mere thought of him fucks me up every time.

Pixielyn said...

Maria its me again. Your post stuck in my head all during my day yesterday, all during my one mile treck on the treadmill, all during dinner, all night, all the way till right now........There are so many what ifs!
But I mostly thought about your chance encounter with the Dr. And I had a Ah ha! moment.
You had a brief encounter with being APPRECIATED yesterday. It neednt go further than that. You felt appreciated and that was a glorious moment for you to treasure always.

Our everyday always mates do appreciate us I'm sure but to be openely APPRECIATED by a stranger or some virtual stranger is just so delicious. It is especially scrumptious in that you were being 'just you', not having your bestest foot forward to show off but you were in a natural state of life and THAT is what made your moments of being apprciated by the handsome doctor so fantastic.

*sigh* how dreamy.

I had one of those moments a couple of years ago and it is a total moral booster. Kudos.

zirelda said...

I don't believe in soul mates either. Dan does though.

What if I had gone to art school instead of WSC?

What if I had given the nice guy a chance and not married my ex?

Actually, I have been thinking about the what ifs too much lately. I'm not obsessing, but maybe mourning because life is getting on and there is only so much possibility left. How can I grab what I really want when I spend most of my time working to sustain what I have?

Too deep for today.

Fate's Granddaughter said...

A man named Scott is my biggest 'what if.' In fact I spent a good whack of the evening last Friday in a drunken ramble about what life would have been like if I had gone travelling with the man who was perfect on paper instead of marrying the man who was everything I didn't know I wanted. Maybe I need to write about him...hope you don't mind if I nick your idea!

Chris said...

I have three distinct what-ifs.

First, I wonder sometimes what if I had chosen to not get married at 18 and go to college. Thing is, if that had happened, I wouldn't have my amazing girls.

Second, I wonder what if I'd stayed in my miserable first marriage.

Third, I wonder what if I hadn't married the Mr. Had we not married, there wouldn't be a Boy though, and the thought of that is so sad to me.

A lot of people think of what-ifs as regrets. I don't. I think it's normal to wonder.

Tina-cious.com said...

I have what if's about my past -- like what if I didn't have a child so young and what if i didn't have my second one ...

...but... I don't have what if's in the present when it comes to attractions.

(At least for me) I think if you're truly in love you can't see anyone else "that way". At least I don't. No one ever comes under the radar.

I can see someone as an attractive person but they never enter my sexual consciousness.

But again -- that may just be me. :)

p.s. love the yogurt story -- i had the same thing happen with people lookin' at me gourging on Taco Bell in the Stop and Shop parking lot. lol

Scout said...

I often wonder what if I had finished school instead of quit to work then marry. What if I had gone after my goal to become a writer. What if I hadn't given up music in my younger years when learning was easier.

I don't believe there is just one person out there, either. You make choices, and you get to work.

Sayid and the guy for Heroes are both dreamy, though, so I can understanding indulging in a dream for a minute or two.

kristi said...

Oh, I have a "what if" and his name is Ricardo. We had a tumultuous relationship for about a year 1/2. He was one hot mexican man and I so loved him but his temper matched mine and we had oh, so much drama.

Now I am mad at my husband right now so sometimes my mind goes back to Ricardo. But I think we (both being hot tempered) would have had some serious issues!

But the sex was Hot Hot Hot!

the only daughter said...

What if:
Mom & Dad had stayed together.
I was FIRST born
I had a sister (or two or ten).
I defied mom & stayed in the dorm or better went to school out of state.
I'd conquered the depression & stayed in school.
I'd had the courage (or whatever) to follow what was niggling my mind & more sooner. Ahh sooo much sooner
Just for starters.

weese said...

My 'what if' moments are usually more short term... then again I am shallow with a short attention span.

What if I had left the house 5 minutes earlier, would I have missed traffic.
What if I had not wandered away with the stove on - would my dinner not be burned.
(hmm, maybe thats more of an 'If only')

dennis said...

My what ifs concerning people are all fairly shallow. The only one is the what if I slept with 'Girl who invited me to housesit her apt the night before she moved from college to marry her fiance and put the moves on me'

Well, I actually did sleep with her in her bed but there was no groping, no cuddling and no sex. And back then that was very unusual for me.

But the only question is, what if we did have sex? would she have left any later in the morning than she planned?

Mme Benaut said...

Like Dive, too many to mention and such a long time ago now. As for soul mates - all I can say is: third time lucky in marriage. M.B is an absolute gem and loyalty and fidelity lead to a good night's sleep with a clear conscience!

Rebecca said...

My husband has a philosophy with which I can agree...You have many love mates, but only one life mate. I don't know about a soul mate per se. I know Brian has loved many women before I came along, and a couple since (not in a tawdry affair kind of way), though nothing came of it. I know that I have as well.

The what ifs? What if I hadn't called my father while I was in college. My mother wouldn't have seen the phone bill, the summer would have passed tolerably, and I'd have gone back to school the following September and completed my degree. Because I DID make that call, that summer was torture, I stayed out, then was kicked out of the house, and I spent the money saved for tuition on rent for my first shared apartment in NYC, thereby enabling meeting my husband in August of '88 at my girlfriend's house, and the fateful walk home. What if I had paired off with his buddy Travis, with whom I still have a tension riddled relationship...what Brian calls a love mate thing. And there are a few more. At the end of the day, I wouldn't have my son, that THAT is the one thing I can't imagine my life without.

BTW, hope the ice storm you had yesterday that made NYC's news saw you, Bing and Liv safe! And I love Glen Campbell :)

Terroni said...

I left my answer in the form of a post on my blog.

And, please know, I read all your posts. I may not always comment, but I'm still reading. I've got this little med school thing going on, and sometimes it leaves me to exhausted to come up with a coherent response. Remember those days? ;)

sari said...

I'm sitting here holding my sweet baby and looking at the sun on his lovely little face and on his blue eyes and hearing my other two playing in the backyard...and the stupid dumb dog (in love, in love) is trolling under the table and looking for crumbs and I'm just thankful that any of my what ifs ended up just being what are's

But, I sure like your story.

Lulubelle B said...

I rarely look back with regret - the bumps along the way have made me who I am today.

My top two "what ifs"...

What if I accepted the other job I was offered right after college? Would I have had the same career? Met the wonderful friends? I had offers for similar jobs at competing companies. One had a paid training program, the other paid $1000 more per year. I opted for the training program and never looked back.

What if TOWGA* and I were bolder and actually had the romantic relationship everyone thought we had? Something always held us back.

If the road not taken intrigues you, read the short story "The Garden of Forking Paths" by Jorge Luis Borges. It's in several anthologies including Borges "Labyrinths".

- Lulu

* TOWGA: The One Who Got Away

Elizabeth Penmark said...

My what ifs tend to center around courses of action I feel I should perhaps NOT have taken - "what if I had done something differently." The biggest ones being my marriages. I wrote about each of my marriages. They shaped me. They each served a very important purpose. I know that. But what if...

I agree on the soul mate thing. It is sad sometimes to believe that, but also a bit hopeful. I mean it is a lot easier to believe you'll find someone if you believe there are many to be found.

So, this Jack is single??? ;) And the good doctor, too?? I've never been to Nebraska, but I've always wanted to visit. :)

jlb said...

oh, the "what ifs"...there are too many. my head starts to swirl when i think about them....

one soul mate? no...

many? i think so....i hope so....

j.

Cakespy said...

What if what if what if. What if I hadn't dropped out of college a semester short of graduating? What if I hadn't quit my job on a whim and moved to Seattle?

But then again, I did--and it seems to have worked out. Still, it's hard not to wonder...

Thank you once again for the thought provoking post!

I'm Kate... said...

Wow, what a great post, Maria. I think every single person in this world has the what ifs on the brain. I know I do....and even as my life is where it is now - I have those moments more often. I can't take back and single moment in my life, and even now, when I think about it, I wouldn't - as painful as that is. I can't, so I don't worry about it. But still....the what ifs creep in and I ponder my past moves, and think about the paths I didn't take, and possible where those paths may have taken me.

Thanks Maria. Great post to get the mind rolling.... Hope you are well.

eleKtrofly said...

i LOVEd this post!

the various themes intertwined masterfully but i started lauyghing mightily when it became almost the sequel to the pissyopantsatthedoctor episode. :)

your narrative ability is so tyhoroughly entertaining-- you should write novels, darling.

Kate said...

Oh, boy! This one got people talking.

I do this all the time. I meet a lot of different kinds of people though my work,and I often find myself wondering, "What would it be like to be married to HIM?" or even, "What would it be like just to screw him?" I have kept in touch and remained friends with several old boyfriends, and for the most part, I can see that I made good choices not to be with them. There is one guy, though - an old high-school boyfriend, about whom I think a lot. I call him my avatar husand - I'm married to him in a parallel universe.

Anonymous said...

I wonder if I hadn't gotten married so young if I would have explored my sexuality and ended up with a woman.

CDJ said...

First of all, the most amazing things happen to you... I need to get out more!!

Second of all, I've already blah blah blahed about my soul mate theory in your comments. The summary: I believe in it, but I just didn't happen to marry mine. Mine just happens to be my gay ex-boyfriend/best friend. We belong togther in a cosmic way I can't really explain to anyone without making my marriage seem kind of trivial, which it so isn't.

Anyway, let's hope that they get so many patients at your doctor's office that he can remember you face, but not your "story."