This one was from Redbook. Yes, I BOUGHT it. Uma was on the cover and I have a dirty little crush on her dating back to Pulp Fiction. So, I was in the grocery store and I bought it.
And there was this little article that asked if I wanted to spice up my love life.
Yeah, that sounds good. My love life has been dragging ass for a month now.
So, I read it. It was five ideas to bring sex back into my sexy.
Here were the five suggestions. And yes, that is me you hear guffawing and snorting.
1) VELVET RIBBONS. They suggest that you use velvet ribbons to caress erogenous zones.
What? My dry-as-a-dead-leaf fingers aren't doing it for you? It just seems kind of well....goony. I keep picturing myself with some sap head look on my face running a bright red velvet ribbon over Bing's nipples while she looks sappily back at me and I can't help it, I am chortling.
2) A BALLOON. We are supposed to take turns blowing up a balloon and slowly releasing the air over each other's bare nekkid skin.
This baffles me. I am not a windy girl. Liv used to adore balloons and I HATED blowing them up. I can just see me huffing and puffing and finally getting it to blow up and then okay...letting the air go over Bing's naked chest or something. It looks like one more way to look really, really silly in the sack.
3) ICE CUBES. Yes. You guessed it. The old blindfold and ice cube trick.
Let me just say that ice cubes in February are cruel. Plus, we will probably have the electric blanket on and this could turn into a very electrifying experience. In the summer? Well, maybe. But, I see a mess. Ice will melt. It will make a wet spot. This is not sexy to me. It is messy.
4) Chocolate. This sounds good at first because hey...anything with chocolate is a big hit with me as long as I don't have to rub it on someone and then lick it off. Sticky. Messy. No. This article wants us to "suck on a chocolate candy, then lock lips with your partner and pass the tasty treat back and forth."
This bothers me on so many levels. I mean, let's just clarify. We are talking spit. Spit covered chocolate. It will get all slippery and slimy and hey...I WANT to eat that chocolate, not swap it back and forth with Bing. I don't even like too sloppy frenching, why would I like this? Don't get me wrong. I enjoy kissing. I just don't like sucking each other up like little Hoovers and this sounds like it would end up messy and sloppy and not sexy. Call me a party pooper.
A rubber band or hair elastic. Obviously this is for you heteros out there. Yes. You are supposed to carefully slide down the rubber band on his erect penis to "leave him harder for longer." And then they warn you not to get it too tight.
Well, now. I do realize that I am not a regular penis rider, so I am excluded and there is really no lesbian equivalent. A tiny rubber band on her clitoris? No. I would have to be wearing some sort of black leather and brandishing a riding crop to pull that off. We are talking pain here. I wonder....does this turn on any of my male readers? How about you women out there with male partners? Do you think your partner would go for this? Does it work? Is it sexy? Because, frankly, it doesn't sound that way to me. I mean, first, we don't have any rubber bands in our house except the big thick ones that go around the Sunday paper. Otherwise, we are talking about Liv's elastic bands and most of them have little flowers on them or dice or ribbons. So, I am trying to picture this. You stop the kissing. You smilingly hold up a rubber band and slide it down the penis. What is the guy doing? Is he all excited or is there an element of danger here? I mean, if you mess up and snap it, boy howdy, that could end all the fun fast. And what if it is too tight? Does your guy tell you?
"Honey, I think that rubber band is just a wee bit too tight!"
"Oh, sorry! Here, let me loosen it up. OOPS. SORRY! Now, hold still. Wow. You have a lot of hair down there, don't you. It seems to be stuck on it...oh dear...."
What am I missing? Good hell, just go out and buy a cock ring, okay?
I always wonder at people who do these kind of things in bed. I mean, just how bored do I have to be sexually? I don't even like sex toys much, they make me feel either skeptical or sort of giggly. Bing brought a vibrator to bed once and it was LOUD. It was not conducive to hot sex. Now, if we wanted to bake a cake or something, maybe. It sounded like my mixer.
So, Bing...I know you don't read my blog usually, but if you stumble on this, let me tell you right now that the key to my heart is:
Yeah. Neatness. Pick up all those loathsome piles of mail of yours plopping around the house. Dust the piano. Naked is okay. Just make sure Liv is out of the house.
Maybe, empty the dishwasher. WOW. You could get really, really lucky for that....