Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Another stupid women's magazine article.

This one was from Redbook. Yes, I BOUGHT it. Uma was on the cover and I have a dirty little crush on her dating back to Pulp Fiction. So, I was in the grocery store and I bought it.

And there was this little article that asked if I wanted to spice up my love life.

Yeah, that sounds good. My love life has been dragging ass for a month now.

So, I read it. It was five ideas to bring sex back into my sexy.

Here were the five suggestions. And yes, that is me you hear guffawing and snorting.

1) VELVET RIBBONS. They suggest that you use velvet ribbons to caress erogenous zones.

What? My dry-as-a-dead-leaf fingers aren't doing it for you? It just seems kind of well....goony. I keep picturing myself with some sap head look on my face running a bright red velvet ribbon over Bing's nipples while she looks sappily back at me and I can't help it, I am chortling.

2) A BALLOON. We are supposed to take turns blowing up a balloon and slowly releasing the air over each other's bare nekkid skin.

This baffles me. I am not a windy girl. Liv used to adore balloons and I HATED blowing them up. I can just see me huffing and puffing and finally getting it to blow up and then okay...letting the air go over Bing's naked chest or something. It looks like one more way to look really, really silly in the sack.

3) ICE CUBES. Yes. You guessed it. The old blindfold and ice cube trick.

Let me just say that ice cubes in February are cruel. Plus, we will probably have the electric blanket on and this could turn into a very electrifying experience. In the summer? Well, maybe. But, I see a mess. Ice will melt. It will make a wet spot. This is not sexy to me. It is messy.

4) Chocolate. This sounds good at first because hey...anything with chocolate is a big hit with me as long as I don't have to rub it on someone and then lick it off. Sticky. Messy. No. This article wants us to "suck on a chocolate candy, then lock lips with your partner and pass the tasty treat back and forth."

This bothers me on so many levels. I mean, let's just clarify. We are talking spit. Spit covered chocolate. It will get all slippery and slimy and hey...I WANT to eat that chocolate, not swap it back and forth with Bing. I don't even like too sloppy frenching, why would I like this? Don't get me wrong. I enjoy kissing. I just don't like sucking each other up like little Hoovers and this sounds like it would end up messy and sloppy and not sexy. Call me a party pooper.

A rubber band or hair elastic. Obviously this is for you heteros out there. Yes. You are supposed to carefully slide down the rubber band on his erect penis to "leave him harder for longer." And then they warn you not to get it too tight.

Well, now. I do realize that I am not a regular penis rider, so I am excluded and there is really no lesbian equivalent. A tiny rubber band on her clitoris? No. I would have to be wearing some sort of black leather and brandishing a riding crop to pull that off. We are talking pain here. I wonder....does this turn on any of my male readers? How about you women out there with male partners? Do you think your partner would go for this? Does it work? Is it sexy? Because, frankly, it doesn't sound that way to me. I mean, first, we don't have any rubber bands in our house except the big thick ones that go around the Sunday paper. Otherwise, we are talking about Liv's elastic bands and most of them have little flowers on them or dice or ribbons. So, I am trying to picture this. You stop the kissing. You smilingly hold up a rubber band and slide it down the penis. What is the guy doing? Is he all excited or is there an element of danger here? I mean, if you mess up and snap it, boy howdy, that could end all the fun fast. And what if it is too tight? Does your guy tell you?

"Honey, I think that rubber band is just a wee bit too tight!"

"Oh, sorry! Here, let me loosen it up. OOPS. SORRY! Now, hold still. Wow. You have a lot of hair down there, don't you. It seems to be stuck on it...oh dear...."

What am I missing? Good hell, just go out and buy a cock ring, okay?


I always wonder at people who do these kind of things in bed. I mean, just how bored do I have to be sexually? I don't even like sex toys much, they make me feel either skeptical or sort of giggly. Bing brought a vibrator to bed once and it was LOUD. It was not conducive to hot sex. Now, if we wanted to bake a cake or something, maybe. It sounded like my mixer.

So, Bing...I know you don't read my blog usually, but if you stumble on this, let me tell you right now that the key to my heart is:

NEATNESS.

Yeah. Neatness. Pick up all those loathsome piles of mail of yours plopping around the house. Dust the piano. Naked is okay. Just make sure Liv is out of the house.

Maybe, empty the dishwasher. WOW. You could get really, really lucky for that....

Just sayin.....

35 comments:

Tina-cious.com said...

LOL -- I think gay guys figured out that "rubberband" thing (read: c0ck ring) LONG ago! LOL

Just close the magazine and just stair at Uma. lol

:)

Melissaria said...

That's fantastic! Just for the record, the whole rubber band thing sounds far too much like an old fashioned method for castrating farm animals to have any eroticism to it at all.

Very silly article, but that's what these magazines are like - every so often I buy one, and regret it. That list sound like an awful lot of messy faffing around, best suited to those who don't really know what they are doing in the first place.

Also, glad to hear that mine is not the only house in which piles of mail cause issues! Maddening...

greymatters said...

You. Didn't! Redbook ... (snicker).

I, too, have often wondered what is (or is not) goin' on with couples who try out those sorts of "sex" tips. I get bored just reading 'em, and it seems to me most of 'em are just plain old buzzkill.

Laughing, too, over the mail-pile thing: one of my BIG personal pet peeves (one that, fortunately, MV shares).

Gypsy said...

It pains me to say this but I think I am way too old for all that kind of carry on. Messy sheets just equates to more laundry and I have enough of that already. I don't want saliva with my chocolate thanks all the same and ice cubes just make me flinch. Velvet ribbons, balloons, sounds more like a decadent kids party and there is NOTHING sexy about that either. No, I'm not seeing it I'm afraid.

Mme Benaut said...

I'm with you Maria, all this sounds like utter rubbish. As for emptying the dishwasher, how about turning the thing on occasionally?

Hahn at Home said...

Thanks for the kick-start to my day - glad you're not a penis rider. That rubber band visual was just too much!

kristi said...

Rubber band?? OUCH. That's all I can say!

sandyshoes said...

Gross (swapping chocolate) and silly (balloon farts? wtf?) suggestions aside, I hope Redbook is prepared to be inundated with horrifying feedback from emergency room nurses on the stupid *and* dangerous rubber band on the penis idea. Jesus H.

A cock ring, if you dig that, probably won't get you hospitalized. But oh no, Redbook wouldn't recommend anything so tawdry...

...sigh.

Stacy said...

I'm with you. I tell Tim all the time that a sexy man is a man who is cleaning/cooking/washing dishes/taking care of kids/etc. Not that he listens to that. He'd rather hear about ribbons and balloons, I'm sure.

Cakespy said...

I like the balloon idea. What about if you release the air too quickly though, and it sounds all farty? Is that still sexy?

Anonymous said...

those are the silliest ideas ever. most especially the rubber band on the ol' penis trick. and as for swapping spitty chocolate, i think just feeding me the chocolate would be much more conducive to getting lucky.

Rebecca said...

Well, you'll be pleased to know that I have indeed perfected the office laugh. I was guffawing while reading this, and not once was I asked what's going on?!?!

Sex tips from Cosmo is one thing...but REDBOOK?? Can you imagine seeing the words cock ring strung together in that publication? I am shocked they talk about using your hair toys for the same effect. And thank you for the hair stuck in the hair toy visual...that'll keep me smiling for DAYS!

My husband's aunt used to say that sexiest thing her man could do for her was the dishes. The sexiest my man could do for me is to stay awake through an entire TV show, or conversation...just sayin.

r.

CDJ said...

Oh my god... who would do any of those things? That choclate candy one is particularly nasty. And there is no way Hubbz would let me anywhere near his manhood with a rubber band. I see Redbook opening themselves up to some pretty interesting lawsuits with that tip...

Scout said...

Really, those articles can be so ridiculous. I am imagining that squeaky sound you get when you stretch the balloon while the air is escape. Now that's an arousing noise, isn't it? Or what if you accidentally let it go, and it flubbers all over the room until it lands on the night stand.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

I read this post in convulsive laughter and disbelief.

The rubber band in pubic hair was the um, clincher, though. The chocolate spit thing is disgusting. Does that mean I'm a cold person?

This sounds more like a manual for tricking your bunkmates at Scout camp than a sex primer.

Porn for women has more to do with household chores than body parts.

zirelda said...

Rubber bands..... um, not going there. I had a tenz unit and my ex ... ok. Not going there either.

I'm not into the kinky stuff. Ice could be fun, but frankly if I'm going to spice things up, sigh. I suck at that too.

Angelissima said...

REDBOOK??
That's uber-racey from Redbook.
Are they out to change their image?

I mean, Cosmo doesn't even go there.

Anyway, been there, done that, not all its cracked up to be...

And at this age? fuggettaboutit.

Stacy said...

I have some of the perfect illustrations for this post. I can't email them to you, so I guess I'll post them on my blog tomorrow....saves me from thinking up something to say.

Menopauseprincess said...

You know Maria, I had to go back and re-read the beginning of your post; it sounded like a Cosmopolitan article and women our age are NOT their demographic.

Not sure about Redbook. You had me laughing a lot though!

eleKtrofly said...

absolutely not to the rubber band. that shit pulls your pubes and anyway it can be dangerous.

try a cock ring as many other of your astute readers have noticed, if you ever find yourself in that situation.............

simonsays said...

I gotta agree with you on most of this post Maria, the way to my heart (and bed) is pick up your damned socks....


:)

Elizabeth Penmark said...

Uh, okay. Stepping up the plate here with a bit of honesty I'm sure I'll regret later. Perhaps I'm just bizarre. Or horny. Or both. But, yeah, the chocolate thing totally turns me on. I love to kiss a man when he has chocolate in his mouth and steal a bit of it for myself. I mean, when you kiss, you swap saliva anyway, so why not have it chocolate-flavored? I like to feed it to him and then lick it from his lips and eat it right out of his mouth. Call me crazy.

And the ice cube? Yeah. I like that. But not in the winter. In the summer it is nice. Who cares about a wet spot? I mean, if you are with a guy (or a gushy girl) you are going to get wet spots on your bed anyway. It's like the fine china. What's the point in having it if you aren't going to eat off it and enjoy? :) I want to fully enjoy my sheets.

I've never tried the ribbon. I think it would be far more fun to be tied up in it though...

The balloon does nothing for me. I want to save all my breath for what is to come. :)

I've never tried the rubber band thing, either, but if my guy was into it, I'd certainly give it a whirl! I will admit to having fantasies of Michael while reading that section. Shame on you, Maria! I'm supposed to be forgetting him. :*(

Kate Isis said...

Your not the only one laughing at the words "hair elastic".
I read it, and then looked over to the pile of stuff i have to put away thats its at one end of the dining table.
And there among the wreckage was one of the kids hair elatics, with the built in baubles on the ends of them.
Thats gotta hurt. We're talking big purple spiky baubles.

Jade said...

Ew Ew Ew!!

JYankee said...

well for someone who doesnt like eating in bed...i guess most of those ideas would be out for me too... perhaps it's time to move from the bedroom to the shower? where we could rinse off straight away? talk about a romantic downer.... LOL
the rubber bad thing..yeah...most of those in our house are also filled with cute bunnies and stuff...aka Coffee Bean's!

Terroni said...

Rubber bands are not sexy. In fact, I can't think of a single office supply that would enhance the experience.

Now granted, I've never sniffed white out before getting it on or licked Elmers glue off of anyone...but I'm going to go out on a limb here and say nothing you buy at Office Max should be used to spice up your love life. Ever.

In other sex news...I recently saw a couple bloggers linking to a YouTube video--a reading by S. Bear Bergman in which he says "licking pussy is chivalry without pants." I have resolved not to date anyone who fails to see the truth in that statement.

dive said...

You have a dishwasher?
Damn I want one of those.

As for the rest of it?
Er … no.

Val said...

You commentary, as usual, is hysterical.
I've nothing to add, except to say that if you can't 'spice' it up with what you have and your own creativeness, then you're doing something wrong!

angelle said...

HA. sometimes i really want to write for these magazines. it would be such an easy job. creative too. hee hee hee.

Katherine Mercurio Gotthardt said...

A RUBBER BAND??? LOL. They are bad enough in head-hair, never mind pubic hair!

I think I would be cool-a
If my name was Uma.

Katherine Mercurio Gotthardt said...

And okay! I admit to the cheese-wiz fantasy.

But like most things, they wouldn't translate well to reality.

YECH.

Lulu said...

My comment never posted!

I hope I didn't offend you! (me??)

Hmmm...

BBC said...

"Because if I am truthful, I won't look so good."

I've never let that trouble or bother me because I'm not trying to win a popularity contest on my blog.

Just saying. :-)

the only daughter said...

Oh Maria, what wonderful folly. :)

Anonymous said...

oh good GOD a rubber band?!? Are they serious? Don't they realize that the majority of men have HAIR? And that wouldn't exactly feel too good...
oh my...
We tried a CR at my house. It was too tight and my hubby didn't like it too much. When I suggested we get a bigger one he just said "Forget about it..." There went our little 'toy exploration'...
~Diana @ Stuck in Elmo's World