I have named my brain Brian. It seems that every time I try to type the word brain lately, I inadvertently type the word brian.
So, brian it is. My brain is named Brian. My brain joins my boobs which are named saucy and sassy and my vagina which Bing and I call Miss Juliet. There is no reason for these names, no funny story, just what they are called. I have cutesy names for Bing's parts as well, but she would probably die of dyke embarrassment if I shared their names. It makes for some truly interesting talk between us, though, that others would most likely find very puzzling.
Do you think Miss Juliet would like some attention tonight? Because I think it is time she took a nice, long walkabout, honey.... This is said in a fake Aussie accent that Bing uses sometimes. I have no idea why, it isn't as if I get super turned on by Aussie girls or anything, it is just one of those dumb couple moments that are really funny and sweet until you try to write them out in a blog.
But, my new brain name is brian. This doesn't surprise me as I have often been told that I think like a man, whatever the hell that means.
Anyone read The Atlantic? Two great articles in there this month. One is called The Angriest Man In Television about David Simon, the creator of The Wire. The other one is a hilarious piece called Frankly...., a Berlitz guide to Washington English.
"I don't pay attention to the polls" translates into My job approval rating is 32 percent.
"It's time to stop playing politics" translates into My party has a winning political issue.
Both are just brilliant. And worth a look-see.
I have spent a lot of time in bookstores and in theaters over the holidays and I have decided that their marketing is totally off. Every goddamn bookstore I have been in is overheated to the point of making customers feel as if they are smothering. I mean, think about it, when you go into a bookstore, there is nowhere to put your coat, really, so you end up wearing it. It gets hot. You stand in one place a lot with your head sideways looking at jacket covers. And many bookstores have the added measure of making coffee on the premises. The coffee smell makes it feel rather cozy but then, you add being hot and standing around tilting your head to that equation and it makes you nauseated. They need to turn the heat down a bit.
And it is just the opposite in theaters. It is always as cold as a witch's tit in a theater. Even in the summer. In the summer, you walk in and all the sweat rolling down your back and legs instantly fast freezes. Most people have sandals on and you spend the entire movie time wiggling your toes to keep them in circulation and wishing that you had brought a sweater for your sleeveless shirt. In the winter, you can sit with your coat on, but who wants to eat greasy popcorn wearing a coat?
Today, Bing, Liv and I went to see The Bucket List. It was so-so, a bit on the sappy side for Brian's taste. But, it was cold as ice inside the theater. Liv ended up curling into a small ball in my lap while I briskly rubbed her arms with my gloved hands. She had her hat with the fur on it too and it kept rubbing my chin in a decidedly itchy way. Bing whispered to me that what we really needed was an electric blanket.
I would just get dvds instead, except that I dislike watching films at home. I like the big screen experience and if I watch something at home, the phone always rings and I feel compelled to answer it or I notice that the dishwasher is done and it is a boring part, so I get up and take care of it and by then, I have lost the main thread of what is happening.
The only problem in theaters is that you have to watch the movie with strangers. Some of them act like they were born in a barn.
So...my list of rants about bad theater patrons:
1) If you have a bee hive hairdo, do NOT sit in front of a child unless there is nowhere else to sit in the theater.
2) You are not in your living room. So, if you bring your own popcorn, fine...I hate how expensive movie treats are too, but open the bag BEFORE the movie begins. Do not noisily open a brown paper bag during the main scene in the movie where we are being introduced to the characters.
3) Again, you are not in your living room. Do not arrange to meet your cousins there and then stand up and wave your arms wildly shouting, "We're over here, Joan!!" once the movie has started. And when Joan finally gets to you (after commenting loudly that is "so freakin dark in here that I can't see an ever lovin' thing!") don't ask her how her weekend has been so far. No one around you cares about Joan's weekend and we are trying to watch the movie.
4) Once more, with feeling, You are not in your living room. If you have a child, do not let him/her walk up and down the aisles by herself or wander through the rows by him or herself. If the child is cranky, TAKE THEM OUT OF THE ROOM. I'm sorry if you miss the best part. If you stay and the kid is bawling or screeching, everyone else misses the best part too. Sorry, but you were dumb enough to bring a three year old to The Bucket List. Did you really think that Jack Nicholson playing an old man with cancer would hold his/her attention?
5) If you have a cold, do NOT sit directly behind someone and sneeze soundly or cough in a phlegm ridden way all through the film. If you have to sit directly behind someone, suck ten cough drops and COVER YOUR MOUTH WHEN YOU COUGH.
That about does it for me. How about any of you. Any movie pet peeves, etc? And how was your weekend?
Brian is interested, but Miss Juliet, not so much, unless you went to a porno movie or something....