Sunday, January 13, 2008

This and that...more bits floating around in my brain called Brian.

I have named my brain Brian. It seems that every time I try to type the word brain lately, I inadvertently type the word brian.

So, brian it is. My brain is named Brian. My brain joins my boobs which are named saucy and sassy and my vagina which Bing and I call Miss Juliet. There is no reason for these names, no funny story, just what they are called. I have cutesy names for Bing's parts as well, but she would probably die of dyke embarrassment if I shared their names. It makes for some truly interesting talk between us, though, that others would most likely find very puzzling.

Do you think Miss Juliet would like some attention tonight? Because I think it is time she took a nice, long walkabout, honey.... This is said in a fake Aussie accent that Bing uses sometimes. I have no idea why, it isn't as if I get super turned on by Aussie girls or anything, it is just one of those dumb couple moments that are really funny and sweet until you try to write them out in a blog.

But, my new brain name is brian. This doesn't surprise me as I have often been told that I think like a man, whatever the hell that means.

Anyone read The Atlantic? Two great articles in there this month. One is called The Angriest Man In Television about David Simon, the creator of The Wire. The other one is a hilarious piece called Frankly...., a Berlitz guide to Washington English.

Examples:

"I don't pay attention to the polls" translates into My job approval rating is 32 percent.

"It's time to stop playing politics" translates into My party has a winning political issue.

Both are just brilliant. And worth a look-see.

I have spent a lot of time in bookstores and in theaters over the holidays and I have decided that their marketing is totally off. Every goddamn bookstore I have been in is overheated to the point of making customers feel as if they are smothering. I mean, think about it, when you go into a bookstore, there is nowhere to put your coat, really, so you end up wearing it. It gets hot. You stand in one place a lot with your head sideways looking at jacket covers. And many bookstores have the added measure of making coffee on the premises. The coffee smell makes it feel rather cozy but then, you add being hot and standing around tilting your head to that equation and it makes you nauseated. They need to turn the heat down a bit.

And it is just the opposite in theaters. It is always as cold as a witch's tit in a theater. Even in the summer. In the summer, you walk in and all the sweat rolling down your back and legs instantly fast freezes. Most people have sandals on and you spend the entire movie time wiggling your toes to keep them in circulation and wishing that you had brought a sweater for your sleeveless shirt. In the winter, you can sit with your coat on, but who wants to eat greasy popcorn wearing a coat?

Today, Bing, Liv and I went to see The Bucket List. It was so-so, a bit on the sappy side for Brian's taste. But, it was cold as ice inside the theater. Liv ended up curling into a small ball in my lap while I briskly rubbed her arms with my gloved hands. She had her hat with the fur on it too and it kept rubbing my chin in a decidedly itchy way. Bing whispered to me that what we really needed was an electric blanket.

I would just get dvds instead, except that I dislike watching films at home. I like the big screen experience and if I watch something at home, the phone always rings and I feel compelled to answer it or I notice that the dishwasher is done and it is a boring part, so I get up and take care of it and by then, I have lost the main thread of what is happening.

The only problem in theaters is that you have to watch the movie with strangers. Some of them act like they were born in a barn.

So...my list of rants about bad theater patrons:

1) If you have a bee hive hairdo, do NOT sit in front of a child unless there is nowhere else to sit in the theater.

2) You are not in your living room. So, if you bring your own popcorn, fine...I hate how expensive movie treats are too, but open the bag BEFORE the movie begins. Do not noisily open a brown paper bag during the main scene in the movie where we are being introduced to the characters.

3) Again, you are not in your living room. Do not arrange to meet your cousins there and then stand up and wave your arms wildly shouting, "We're over here, Joan!!" once the movie has started. And when Joan finally gets to you (after commenting loudly that is "so freakin dark in here that I can't see an ever lovin' thing!") don't ask her how her weekend has been so far. No one around you cares about Joan's weekend and we are trying to watch the movie.

4) Once more, with feeling, You are not in your living room. If you have a child, do not let him/her walk up and down the aisles by herself or wander through the rows by him or herself. If the child is cranky, TAKE THEM OUT OF THE ROOM. I'm sorry if you miss the best part. If you stay and the kid is bawling or screeching, everyone else misses the best part too. Sorry, but you were dumb enough to bring a three year old to The Bucket List. Did you really think that Jack Nicholson playing an old man with cancer would hold his/her attention?

5) If you have a cold, do NOT sit directly behind someone and sneeze soundly or cough in a phlegm ridden way all through the film. If you have to sit directly behind someone, suck ten cough drops and COVER YOUR MOUTH WHEN YOU COUGH.

That about does it for me. How about any of you. Any movie pet peeves, etc? And how was your weekend?

Brian is interested, but Miss Juliet, not so much, unless you went to a porno movie or something....

26 comments:

Cakespy said...

I am so with you on your rants. And living in a city, I would like them to apply to the bus or mass transit too. I also say we should veto foods that require a fork and knife, are strong smelling, or basically anything that is not popcorn or chocolate. NO FRIED CHICKEN IN THE MOVIE THEATER.

eleKtrofly said...

this post was really funny.

the atlantic monthly is one of the best magazines in publication; along with national geographic and lapham's quarterly

do you remember when the atlantic had that insanely complex crossword puzzle. i couldn't even figure out how to begin those things...

Hahn at Home said...

I used to get so annoyed, I just joined Netflix. Waiting 25 minutes to get through the advertisements before the actual movie starts is my biggest pet peeve.

Chelle said...

You've hit most of my movie pet peeves, so I'll just add one from last weekend's movie experience (Golden Compass - okay but the ending was frustrating). As for the pet peeve - if you must repeat everything said in the movie for your hard of hearing companion, a video might be a better choice. This is also aimed at theater owners - if you own a theatre, particularly if you're a national chain, provide aids for disabled for all the screens in your theatre.

Bah said...

Diva saw the bucket list tonight with her dad, and she said that it is "the best movie EVER". She's 12. I'm not sure what to think about my 12 year old girlie digging Jack Nicholson with a terminal illness.

Anyhoo. My weekend. I worked (it's day 14 of the sweep!) and I had dinner with my bestest bud ever, who drove two hours just to take me to dinner. I thought she was bored, but it turns out that she was trying to force me to leave the house. She rocks, and I am evidently a big honkin hermit.

Movie theater peeves are a big thing with me. You've named a few of mine already. I'd like to add LOUD yapping mobs of teenagers (who say 'oh my god!' every 3 seconds, and children with leg smasms that cause them to push the back of my chair every 3 minutes. That should about cover it.

Gypsy said...

Being an Aussie, I'm not sure how I should feel about Bing talking to Miss Juliet in an Aussie accent.....lol. Maybe she equates an Aussie accent with sexy, yeah that must be it.

Mme Benaut said...

Funny and ranty today, Maria!
My Miss Juliet is called "weeny" (for teeny weeny) - that is just something that my older sister and I use. M.B has a bit of a problem with this as his eldest daughter is called Edwina which is often shortened to "weena". Best not to remind him of his daughter at moments like that! As for M.B, "Big Ben" when it is happy and "little benny" when it is tired. Now I guess that that is too much information.
As for the movies, I always freeze in theatres too, so always go prepared, even in summer, with a coat to put over my knees and often I carry a pair of socks in my bag if I have sandals on - to put on in the theatre.
Our weekend was lovely - Saturday we had guests for petanque (bocce or boules) and a BBQ dinner. Some photos on ADP. It was also a blind date for my little sister Tanya to meet Jean-Pierre. Unfortunately, I don't think it worked for either of them but another guest, Arnaud, was hot to trot for my little sis but unfortunately he has a wife tucked away somewhere. He brought his latest mistress to dinner instead. French men are very naughty sometimes but we love him so much that we make excuses for him. Of course, he never admits to being naughty, his friends are always just "une amie".
Sunday was a lazy, gardening sort of day.
I was intrigued by a TV show last night about the "real family of Jesus" which noted that Jesus had an older brother called James. What??? about the virgin birth, I asked myself. I ended up reading the bible in the wee small hours of the morning and couldn't find anything there. I asked M.B about it this morning and many other, religious things. It was a very interesting discussion. (M.B used to be a Sunday School teacher and comes from a long line of men of the cloth).
So, hopefully Brian has been suitably satisfied. Bonne journee, Maria. xx

Kate said...

What's up, Beast?

(Sara and I LOVE that! We say it all the time, now.)

My pet peeve is the person who sits behind me and braces his feet against the back of my seat.

dive said...

You're so right, Maria. I don't go to the cinema more than once or twice a year now for the same reasons.
May I add to your list people who eat popcorn with their mouths open? There surely cannot be many more disgusting sounds in the universe than that.
So I stay in my warm home with my own big screen, the lights out, the phone on mute and my feet up.
L'enfer, c'est les autres indeed.

Nickol said...

Oh thank god someone else thinks bookstores are too hot. I thought it was just me and my hot flashes.

JYankee said...

well i assume that Miss Juliet would ONLY be interested in THOSE kinds of movies...LOL interesting story there...and ditto on the movie peeves...though i havent been in ages...

Scout said...

We saw National Treasure 2 this weekend. It was OK, but then my expectations weren't very high. We chose it because it was light and fun. There was a pack of preteens in front of us, and I was sure they would be distracting rude. But they were well behaved the whole way through. Then there was a woman I know sitting behind us, and afterwards, she told me about a new yarn shop. That was nice. We didn't snack on anything, although we normally get popcorn without butter, Sour Patch Kids, Snow Caps, and water—this time we were recovering from a bad dinner from a bad local joint. Ick.

sister AE said...

More movie pet peeves:

1 - just as on an airplane, I REALLY don't want anyone kicking the back of my seat - honestly!

2 - years ago we went to see a kids movie and the kids nearby were well-behaved, but the parents felt the need to narrate the movie for them. Another - NOT YOUR LIVING ROOM moment.

3 - and a plea for people to pretend they are in the movie for the long haul. I understand that nature sometimes calls, but if you have a "delicate system" or a tapeworm that requires endless trips to the concession stand, for goodness sake get there early enough to get an end seat so that you don't have to step my my feet every few minutes.

Aaah. I feel better now. Thanks, Maria.

Patty said...

Two things I ALWAYS take to the movies, an extra layer and earplugs. Maybe sound loud enough it could break the sound barrier is suppose to enhance the experience, but it does the opposite for me. Before earplugs I would have been the woman you complained about in front of you, as you tried to figure out why in the world she didn't put her arms down through the entire movie!

Before the remodel the small theater in our town had a cry room with a big viewing window so the rest of the audience didn't have to listen to the noise and mom could still see the movie. Boy was I sorry to see that gone, because the "tweens" also thought it was a cool place to watch the movie from.

Rebecca said...

I feel like my bits deserve a name now....

It's always freezing in cinemas, I agree. This year I am going to go to the cinema more. Am going on Wednesday again with my dad :-)

zirelda said...

You pretty much covered my movie pet peeves and my weekend was not something to write home about. As a matter of fact, my weekend makes me want to write home to see if anyone else had a decent one.

Rich said...

You're so right on about the book stores. I get more thirsty for water whenever I go to them rather than coffee and I LOVE cofee.

The other is buses in the winter -why do they have the heat blasting on public buses in the winter when everyone on the bus is wrapped in their warm down coats etc. I end up stripping down to my undies for most of the ride.

weese said...

I do so dislike people.
I would so much rather watch at home. The only exception would be for an epic type movie - where a big screen is an aboslute must.
For everything else our 42" hidef is good enough. I like the company, I like the atmosphere, and I can pause if I need to get a snack or take a bathroom break.

dennis said...

ummm, I did not finish your blog because once I learned the names of your body parts a 10-minute dialogue eruped in my mind and I sorta lost track...

However we have all agreed that more silks and/or 100% cottons are in order...

the only daughter said...

movie theaters..yep, yep: too cold, too full of ignorant, inconsiderate patrons and too full of young kids (in the wrong kinds of movies) and concessions too expensive, $4.50 for a bottle of water? Ack!

Val said...

I love going to the movies - MUST have popcorn (even if dinner was just eaten prior to the movie!) - but have ALL your pet peeves about the experience. Excellent job!

Murphy's law with Linda & I is that inevitably, the tallest person in the theatre sits in front of Linda (height 5'0"!) which causes us to have move...

Most movies have Sophie curled up in my lap - which I will miss when she's too big! The temps in the theatre need to be addressed BIG time!

Melissaria said...

Hello - I'm new, but enjoying your rants; I do love a good rant!

Just occasionally, you will get a gem of a comedian in the audience, and that makes it all worthwhile.

I forget which film it happened at, but as the cinema went dark, and the opening scene began, the sound system failed. Quick as a flash, someone yelled out 'oh shit, I've gone deaf...'

My other favourite was the time the cleaning staff forogot to get their brooms out of the way just as all the kids started arriving for a Harry Potter movie. No prizes for guessing what happened next...

Terroni said...

A "walkabout"... so that's what you kids are calling it nowadays?

Huh. Learn something new all the time here.

(Oh, and my stomach is named Virgil.)

Angelissima said...

hehhee....mine?
Loud talkers through the movie

and, people who discuss every scene in low tones.

Idiots who don't turn off their cell phones.

Jerks who need to text through the whole movie.

teenagers who need to put up their feet on the seats in front of them.

People who need to get up and leave as soon as the credits start rolling and get in the way of my reading the credits.

Chelle said...

I just got an email from Hammacher Schlemmer advertising, I kid you not, "Brian the Brain". It made me laugh because it reminded me of this post. Of course, now my co-workers are _really_ wondering about my sanity.

sandyshoes said...

I love movies a lot, but I have SO MANY movie theater pet peeves along the lines of the ones you mentioned that I finally just installed a projector and sound system in my own den. Now I watch movies at home, projected six feet wide, as loud (or not) as I want. The subwoofer alone makes me grin like an idiot.

'Course I don't see anything until it's out on DVD, but I've never been on the front edge of the pop culture curve anyhow ;).