He's a Maniac (Flashdance)

Socks. Is a maniac. On the floor. In my house.

He is almost six months old. He was the biggest of his litter and is already one of the biggest scottie dogs that I have known.

He has free run of the house when we are home, now that he is housebroken. But, when we go anywhere, we have to be careful to put him on his cable in the kitchen. This gives him plenty of room to walk around but he can't leave the kitchen. Because he gets into anything and everything if we don't do this. This same dog who doesn't touch a thing while we are there except for his toys, will tear the house apart when we aren't.

So, I took Liv to school this morning and stopped at Whole Foods to pick up the goat's milk yogurt and goat's milk soap that we like. I was probably gone a total of one hour. When I put my key in the front door, I was greeted enthusiastically by Socks. Who was supposed to be on his cable in the kitchen. And wasn't. He did his usual welcome home dance, leaping with joy at the sight of me, except we were standing in the foyer, not the kitchen.

Oh, ALPHA WOMAN, you have returned!!!! My joy, my life, my favorite human on the planet!! Is it time for our walk?? I thought you'd NEVER come back. I missed you so much!! I must, must, must lick you all over!!! What? You don't look happy. You are....frowning? WHY??? Um...yeah...the cable thing. Well, I broke free. And this thing in my mouth? Oh, pay no attention to it....um...just...well, yeah, your slipper. But, hey...I have been HAVING SO MUCH FUN!! Watch me shake my head like a maniac. What? You want your slipper back? NO!! Let's play tug o' war!! YES!! This is fun!! Why do you look so mad? STOP prying my jaws open this instant!! That is so demeaning! GIVE ME BACK THAT SLIPPER!! I WAS USING IT!....Oh, wait! What is in this bag you put on the floor? Hmmm...let me take a gander...WHAT? STOP DRAGGING ME AWAY! Why do I have to go back on the cable?? NO!!!

Once I had Socks firmly attached to the cable again, I put the yogurt away and cautiously looked around the house. He had my slipper, so he must have gone into my bedroom. I walked into my bedroom to find the carefully made up bed now in disorder. My pillows looked thoroughly tromped on.

I pictured Socks having the time of his life while I was gone to this song. I could see him trouncing on my bed, his little legs pumping in a frenzy of dog joy.

I hurried into Liv's bedroom. God. Her stuffed animals...

But, he must have skipped her room or out of some dog sense of respect, stayed away. All of her stuffed animals were all sitting stiff and still on her bed. I imagined them feeling deep relief to see me. I pictured them talking to each other while Socks was on his rampage.

Do you hear that? Is that the dog??? Oh, holy shit. NOBODY MOVE! Maybe he won't notice us. SHHH! I said NOBODY MOVE!

The white damask tablecloth on the dining room table was half off. It lay half on the floor, half off. A box of peanut brittle lay precariously close to the edge of the table. Whew. Thank GOD, he hadn't found that! I imagined prying peanut brittle out of his teeth. Ick. I threw the box of it away. Should have done that weeks ago. It was a Christmas gift from one of Bing's aunts and we'd opened it but hardly any of it was gone. I don't care for it, Liv has braces and can't eat it and Bing rarely eats sweets.

I found my other slipper in the music room under the piano bench. The Persian rug was all scrunched up as if Socks had been having a great time sliding around on it. Bertie the parrot looked silently at me from his cage on the sun porch. But, bird feathers littered the floor around his cage. Socks must have terrorized him. I imagined how fun that must have been for him and how awful for poor, foul mouthed Bertie. ("Shit, you crazy dog, stop tipping my god damn cage, you complete asshat!")

Otherwise, the house seemed okay. I went back into the kitchen to confront Socks.

"You were a very bad dog!" I told him, sternly.

He wagged his tail, tipped his head, smiled his big doggy smile at me.

So, alpha woman...are you ready to take our walk?? Huh??

I shrugged, shook my head.

I went to slide my boots back on, slipped a sweater on under my coat, wrapped a muffler around my throat and found one of Liv's stocking caps to put on. By this time, Socks was leaping in anticipation, growling playfully at me, tap dancing across the wooden kitchen floor.

A walk, a walk, a walk, a walk!! It's time for our walk!! I LOVE you Alpha woman! I love, love, love you. I must lick you immediately. C'mere, you sweet thing!

I slid on my gloves and put the bright red leash on Socks. Gobbed on about two inches of this on my lips. (Try the berry explosion flavor, it is the best.) And no, I am not being paid to say that.

"Okay, now...it is fucking FREEZING out there, buddy.." I warned him.

He laughed his doggy laugh. I'm fearless! You know that! C'mon. Let's go find an adventure!

We walked outside into frigid Nebraska air. 2 degrees. Balmy. With a wind chill of something like 20 below because a stiff wind blew hard out of the north. We set out.

Socks adores snow and we had several new inches. He immediately took a running leap and rolled in it joyfully. I watched him in awe. God, this is bravery, I thought.

No, this is insanity. He is a fucking maniac, that's what he is.

Small leaves blew all around and snow blew up in spiraling swirls. He chased it all, so deep in dog joy that he didn't care that he was yanking me around like a doll as I struggled to maintain my stance on the icy sidewalks. Several cars drove by, slowing down to smile or wave. I didn't try to wave back. I needed both hands to control Socks.

One joker stopped and his window slid down. "You two make a very sweet picture," an older gentleman said, smiling broadly.

I fought the urge to tell him to go fuck himself and smiled crazily.

"He keeps me on my toes!" I said in a merry voice that I didn't feel.

One of the zippers on my boot came undone and as I leaned down to fix it, Socks decided to plant his cold wet dog face right into mine. Immediately, dog hairs stuck to my coated lips. I made a face, trying to get them off with my glove.

Socks took a massive dump. Probably a result of all that crazy dog behavior he had indulged in this morning, free of his cable. I leaned down to pick up his feces with my baggie covered hand and he decided to playfully grab the tail of my stocking hat and whip it off of my head.

DAMN!! The cold bit into my neck and ears ferociously as I waged another tug of war with Socks to get my hat back. He seemed to think we were having some fun here. He playfully snarled and shook his head, refusing to give up my hat.

I finally stopped and stood stock still. It confused him and he let go of the hat. I whipped it back up on my head before he could react again.

At last we went home.

I toweled him off and took off all my layers, my boots, coat, muffler.

I went into my bedroom and turned the electric blanket up to high. I just needed to warm up a little before I met my client this afternoon. I crawled under the covers, luxuriously stretching my toes into the warmth.

And heard toenails on the floor. Socks stood hopefully next to the bed. He knows that he is not to jump on the beds or furniture unless invited...or unless he is alone in the house.

I looked down into his beady black eyes. His tail wagged once. Hope.

"Get up here, you brat," I said, patting the bed.

He leaped up handily in one pounce and settled into the curve of my arm.

"You keep life interesting, don't you, buddy?" I asked him.

He licked my nose once and settled down for a nap. It had been quite a morning.