Monday, January 28, 2008

"Excuse me? I just peed my pants."

Well, I'm asking for it now, am I not? But, a title either fits or it doesn't and this one does.

Today was one of those crazy days where too much was on the plate and there was just not enough time to pee.

Liv is snack manager this week at school. This means that for one week she (we) is responsible for bringing a snack for her entire class. 16 kids. Not a biggie, really. But not a smallee either because I can't just go out and buy muffins. No. Liv's school is not only very green, they are very nutrition conscious. So, the treat must be nutritious. I bought clementines for today but figured that I would figure it all out one day at a time.

As I was making Liv's lunch, I discovered that we were nearly out of baggies. So, I made a mental note to add that to my morning chore list along with
1) picking up dry cleaning
2) buying a new ink jet refill for the printer
3) wandering the grocery store for the other four days of treats (granola bars? grapes? something that wouldn't bankrupt me?)
4) walking the dog
5) making it to my 9:00 appointment with my pain management team (yes, I am so far gone that I actually have a team)
6) cleaning the bathroom, which was filthy

I took Liv to school and bowed out of my Monday morning coffee group (the bad mothers plus one bad dad, Jack.) This killed me as I totally love this weekly get-to-gether and find that it keeps me sane in more ways than one.

I didn't have time for breakfast, but took a can of Atkins with me in the car while I drove Liv to school. I was feeling guilty because I let her eat two doughnuts for breakfast while I cleaned the bathroom instead of making her a nice hot bowl of cream of wheat or oatmeal or something. Bad mother! Bad mother!

This would explain why she was acting like she had just taken a fistful of uppers in the car. She fiddled with the radio stations, incessantly (I thought) talked ALL the way there.

I sent a brief, heartfelt thought of apology to her teacher. I'm so sorry that I am sending you a child who is behaving like she is on crack. No, she just ate two krispy kremes for breakfast because I couldn't stand my fucking bathroom for one more minute and had to clean it rather than spend thoughtful bonding time with my daughter, eating oatmeal together and reading to her from The Little House books....

I dropped Liv off, checked my watch and figured that I could just make it to the dry cleaners on my way to my doctor's appointment.

I kept gulping down the Atkins shake as I drove.

I noticed that I really had to pee while I was handing my dry cleaning stub to the attendant, but I just had like...no time, so I ignored it.

Squeezed my legs together a bit. Soon I was back in the car and that helped. Sitting is easier when you have to pee.

I got to the medical building and checked my watch as I ran in. It was 9:07. I was already late. I took the elevator up, trying to be patient as an elderly lady with a walker limped in with her husband, who was even slower than she was. He fretted all the way up to the third floor, apparently she had forgotten to make sure that he brought his gloves and his hands were cold. He kept showing them to her over and over.

"Would you look at these hands, Myrtle? I asked you and asked to please remind me to put on my gloves, but do you ever listen?" he berated her in this haughty, scolding voice.

I made a mental note to just shoot Bing in the head if she ever acted like that with me when we are doddering old biddies. Well, when we are older doddering old biddies.

Myrtle and My-shit-doesn't-stink got off the elevator at my stop and I ended up stuck behind them until they finally turned off into a kidney specialist's office.

I rushed into my doctor's outer office and knew that I had exactly two minutes to pee before it was coming whether I was sitting on the toilet or not. I signed in and made a bee line for the restroom. I got in and

the zipper of my pants got stuck.

I desperately crossed my legs and did a fast jig while I tried in vain to unstick the zipper. No luck, it was jammed but good.

And then, oh-please-no-nooo...NO!

Yes.

I peed my pants. I tried to stop the stream after an initial squirt but my bladder stubbornly refused to close the doors.

I finally got the zipper down. But by that time, I had peed myself but good.

I gingerly stepped out of my jeans and underpants. Checked my socks. Dry.

I wondered what my next move should be. I pulled out my cell phone and dialed the doctor's office. Nancy, whom I had just seen at the front desk, answered.

Nancy: Hello, this is Dr. Zhivago's office. How may I help you?

Maria: Um, Nancy? This is Maria.

Nancy: Um...I thought you went to the bathroom, honey. Where are you? The doctor is ready to see you.

Maria: Well.....um, Nancy, I am um..in the bathroom, but I sort of...um...have this problem.

Silence.

Maria: Nancy?

Nancy: Uh..yes. How can I help you, Maria?

Maria: I had a little accident in here. I, well...yes, I...well, I peed my pants, you see.

Another silence. This time there is a stifled noise. Was she laughing, snorting, what?

Nancy (slowly): I see. Well, um, let's see how we can fix this.

She was only silent for maybe ten seconds but it felt like ten minutes.

Nancy: Okay. How about if I bring you some scrubs? Would that be acceptable?

Maria (quietly and with complete and total humiliation): Yes. Thanks.

A few moments later there was a knock at the door. I opened it just enough to make sure that it was Nancy. It was. She had blue scrubs in her hands. I took the pants. Thanked her, not meeting her eyes. She also handed me a paper bag for my "other belongings."

I took everything gratefully and put on the scrub pants which were WAY too long and had to be rolled up. I tied the string carefully at the top of the pants, but made VERY sure that it wasn't in a knot that could not be untied easily.

I slid back into the waiting room where Mindy, the nurse came and called my name almost immediately. She stared at my scrubs but didn't comment. She weighed me. Unfortunately, I had not peed out five pounds that were not there the last time I was here.

We went back to a cubicle and she did the whole dance of taking my blood pressure, asking me what "number" my pain was today and if any of my meds had changed.

Dr. Zhivago came in soon after. Smirking. He and I are pretty comfortable with each other, so the first sentences out of my mouth were: Don't say a fucking word. Please. This is embarrassing enough, okay?

He nodded, held back a chuckle. We talked about my pain, how the pain patches were working, if I was doing my exercises, etc. And then he looked at me kindly and said, "Okay, I do have to ask this. Are you having....incontinence problems?"

No, I told him. I am just lazy. I knew that I had to pee and waited too long and then my zipper got stuck.

His face reddened. He was trying very hard not to laugh.

Dr. Z: Your..zipper got stuck?

Maria: YES. My ZIPPER got stuck. Don't you DARE laugh!

Well, that was it. We both started laughing. Because, yes, I had to acknowledge that this was pretty funny. And then he patted me on my shoulder and told me to consider the scrubs a "gift" and shaking his head, he left.

I went home, showered and finished my errands. The scrubs are in the laundry basket. Maybe I'll keep them. They really are pretty comfy cozy.

Boy howdy, do I have a story to tell Bing tonight.....

It was my Lucy Ricardo moment of the day.

48 comments:

Bah said...

Holy crap, Maria. I just peed MY pants.

Not only are you the most real person I have ever not met, you are by far the bravest. No way in the WORLD would I tell my piddle story. Stories. Whatever. It's not important.

Please please please post what Bing's reaction was. :-)

zirelda said...

I hate when things like that happen. Except what happens to me is I make the stupid decision to wear white and then start my period and it's a few hours before I notice. But everyone else does. And what kind of people are they anyway that don't say something? Evil people that's what kind!

Thank you for sharing. :)

fairydogmother said...

Oh god, that is so funny. And only because we can all relate! At least scrubs are comfy!

Angelissima said...

GAWD. I've peed my pants more than I'd like to admit. Its crazy. I know I need to go but I'm out and I think I can make it then....

OH NO! The worst is when I am stuck in traffic. Last summer I was driving one of my daughters to formal (her date couldn't drive yet!) and I was stuck in this massive traffic jam on the NJ Parkway.

I HAD TO GOOOOOOO. there was no place to stop...nothing. So, I had to pull over, open the side door of the mini-van...pull up my hippie skirt, THANK GOD I was wearing that...pull down the unders, perch on the side and pee.

This was only mortifying to my daughter Pherrin. Kate was laughing her head off (she and I have had several Moms-gotta-pee-moments)

All good. Actually, this was one of my less messy episodes.

The wind-up is...pee happens.

:-)

JYankee said...

yes you are very courageous to write this story..but hey it happens... i am sure.... my downfalll is more like zirelda's up there.... OMG.... and THAT is probably more noticeable!

Sylvia said...

Oh how embarrassing! I hate those days where you never have time to pee. That is a little lesson to us all to take a break and "pamper ourselves" on those busy days with a trip to the ladies room. When I am having one of those days, I am going to remember this little story and hopefully go before this is me (or I will pee myself laughing about it).

Jade said...

This was too funny! And after squeezing out two kids, I can relate. Why oh why didn't I do those darn pelvic floor excercises!!??

the only daughter said...

Oh My. Oh my. I'm...I'm... Oh my.

Old Crone said...

OMG...I'm sorry Maria...I'm howling...I can't help myself. This comes from the woman who has peed her pants about 8 times with week due to a horrible cough. I'm laughing with you, not at you...well maybe a little at you....:)

Gypsy said...

Don't feel embarrassed Maria. With my medical condition dribbling pee all day is par for the course but it is because of incontinence. Oh alright, and because I leave it too late to go.

It could have been worse and you could have needed to you know.....poop. Now THAT would have been embarrassing.

Chris Wilcox said...

LOL! Wow Maria, You had stopped by my site and I figured I would reciprocate the visit and what a deliteful story to "officially" read as an introduction! That was way too funny. I'm blogrolling ya! Thanks for sharing!

Nickol said...

I have to quit reading you in the office. I am in tears, I have laugh so hard. You are a braver woman than I am. I can't bring myself to tell my pee stories on my blog.

Kate Isis said...

God bless you Maria, I really can't get through a day without reading you.
I'm a long distance bladder holder so I can sympathise.

amusings_bnl said...

that's hysterical. i'm glad they had scrubs for you. don't know what you would have had to do without that as an option.

once, and i blogged this, i was standing looking at the pond across the street from my house, soaking in the fresh white coating of ice and snow, watching the ducks swim. when i look at the sun i have to sneeze... so i did sneeze, and poooooooped my pants.

yes i did.

i pooped my pants on the side of the road. across the street from my house. i had to duck-walk back across the street and gingerly undress in the tub.

it was horrifying, but i had no witnesses and no one would ever have known if not for the self-confession of the blog.

Patty said...

How about veggie people for one snack day? Use a baby carrot for the body, a cherry tomato for the head and (thin)celery sticks for the arms and legs, all attached with toothpicks.

As to the peeing your pants story... Thank _________ (who did invent the thing)for inventing cell phones!

Trop said...

There but for the grace of Maria. That would be me, easily. One sneeze and I'm a gonner!

dive said...

Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee!

pins said...

Oh my! Good laugh, thanks for sharing.

Zoe said...

How embarassing. At least the Dr.'s office was nice enough to help you out with the clean scrubs. I think you earned those scrubs.

Stacy said...

Oh, Maria! You are too funny. And brave. Very, very brave. I probably would have stayed in the bathroom till everyone left and there is no way I'd have blogged about it, but I'm glad you did. Cause now when it happens to me I'll know I'll live.

sandyshoes said...

Sigh... yeah. I learned the hard way that since having children, peeing can't be safely put off.

I'm glad your doctor's not an asshole.

Val said...

Not only is this hysterical to read, but apparently this is MUCH more common than I was ever aware, by the # of commenters that this has happened to.

Perhaps you all should form a support group? PIMPS - (Pee in my pants support!)!!!
I'm Cracking up over here... i'll go back to work now.

CDJ said...

Oh dear... you know I can feel your pain as I often peed myself when I was pregnant with Spike. But usually in the comfort of my own home. You are never going to live this down at your doctor's office, are you?!?!

Rebecca said...

Oh, poor Maria!!! And you just know that no matter how badly or not you have to pee or poo, your body just knows when it is standing at the bowl, and steps the urgency up ten fold! Thank the Maker it happened at the doctor's office where scrubs were present!!!

weese said...

you crack me up.
your candor is always suprising... pleasantly.
I by the way wear one of those liners... every day... just in case. They won't hold back a river - but have at times held more than I thought they would ;)

Melissaria said...

Oh I nearly weed myself laughing. And yes, beacuse I have been there, although not so disastrously - only to the extent that I had to shove my knickers in my bag, and hope that no-one in the supermarket could tell I wasn't wearing any (and PRAY that I didn't accidentally pull the wet pants out of my bag at the till...)

A harsh reminder of not heeding the words of my wise old Aunty Joyce - 'A mother goes when she can, not when she must...'

SassyFemme said...

Oh my God, you poor thing! I have a serious fear this will be me some day. I always wait until I can't wait any longer.

Oh, and I'm laughing, but not peeing my pants while I laugh! ;)

Rebecca said...

Oh sweet Christ that story made me laugh. I think I need to go pee now. HAHAHAHA.

Mme Benaut said...

Very very funny, Maria. Written with good grace and humour, of course. Those zippers can be tough little buggers, can't they?
Snack for Liv's school: Celery filled with cream cheese and raisins on top.

Shazza said...

Pee happens!

dennis said...

Man oh man oh man!

that was just toooooo funny.

greymatters said...

You are a braver soul than I, blogging about this. I suppose, though, that this is not what you mean when you use the words, "peebutt".

LOLOL

eleKtrofly said...

this is an amazing post, darling. i couldn't stop laughing!-- my seventh graders wanted to know what i was laughing at... i couldn't even explain it.

Lulu said...

{{{{Maria}}}}

That? Is my nightmare.

(I've been oh-so-close on many occasions.)

Terroni said...

I had to go earlier today and was going to cross my legs and check my email, but then I thought, "What if it happens to me? What if this belt malfunctions or this zipper gets welded shut and it takes me twenty minutes to get into these pants? Do I have that kind of time?"

Do you see what you've done to me, woman?
I now live in constant fear.

Gina said...

that's it. It's cinch waistbands for you from now on! They make em with psuedo zippers if you like the look.

they have these really cool super absorbant incontinent pads that you can actually pee in, full force and they will suck up every drop. Of course you wind up with a rather large bulge in your drawers but at least you are dry.

nice to be in good company.

ELLE said...

OMG LOL!!! I'm sorry but seriously.... I was cracking up the entire story. I'm sorry you actually peed your pants, but I mean... it did make for a very interesting post that's for sure!

eastcoastdweller said...

Maria, I found your blog through Rambling Rebecca and I think I'm going to like dropping by here now and then. As one poster said, you are so refreshingly honest.

We guys don't typically have this problem but then again, the old prostrate acts up after a certain age and provides a little misery equity.

Hahn at Home said...

Imagine those little, cozy doctor cocktail parties as they compare BMWs and Mercedes and then...oops...did you hear about the woman with the stuck zipper?

simonsays said...

Maria, I have tried to comment on this post two times before but blogger was being a butt, and since I can't tell for sure whether I have or not, please discard the others, if in fact they did post.

I loved this, it made me laugh. I don't do that too much lately, so I thank you. :)

sari said...

Maria, you make me laugh. In a good way.

:-)

Patois said...

Oh, God, Maria, I love reading your blog. It is a fantastic journey, each and every post. I am laughing, laughing, laughing.

Lulubunny said...

This was actually comforting....and not in a schaudenfraud-ish way...I'm sorry it happened,but your ability to laugh about it is awesome. Checkout my blog and you'll see that your story is downright raucous compared to mine!

Patircia said...

Great description...I know what you mean, being to busy to pee, its happened to me, and very often. Its weird: I know I should pee, but 'just one more thing', and I don't...and then I pee, sometimes just a little and wet my panties, but sometimes major, and totally soak myself. At home often; sometimes at work (the worst); sometimes in the car (change the plans).

I can't begin to relate the endless times this has happened (I'd be writting all day) but the amazing thing is that I never learn. I always say 'just one more thing'. And sometimes (often) that works; but other times (also often) I wet myself.

Thanks for being so brave and writing your expereinces for all to see.

Anonymous said...

HOW DO I STOP PEEING MY PANTS WHEN I LAUGH?!

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