What No One Tells You About Marriage.

First, before I get into the next post, I want to thank all the readers who sent me e-mails asking if my family and I were okay after the shooting at the Westroads Mall here in Omaha.

Yes, we are fine. We are not mall shoppers; I haven't been in a mall in over three years and none of my family or friends were there. Thanks so much, though, for caring enough to check. Thanks especially to my good buddy, Jill over at Charming and Delightful, who sent me emails from her hospital bed after giving birth! Like she didn't have enough on her plate? You're the best, Jill, and Spike is gorgeous.

The whole shooting thing makes me too sick to blog about it much. Yesterday, after I met with a client and had some spare time before I had to pick up Liv, I stopped in a book store to browse and suddenly it hit me: This was exactly what one of the victims of this sick boy was doing when he was shot. He had wrapped up a business meeting in Omaha and stopped to do a little Christmas shopping before he headed back home to Iowa. My heart aches for all those families. Just aches.

Okay...going on.

I have been thinking about marriage, co-habitation, whatever, a lot lately. Probably the season, all the commercials that show shy husbands surprising their fabulous wives with diamond necklaces, the TV shows that seem to show only shiny happy people (thank you R.E.M.) enjoying their shiny happy families and have read a few blogs where hot crazy love seems to be the main event. Plus, my own frame of reference from my parents was not based on much reality. They NEVER fought in front of us children and I was shocked when one of my aunts told me that my Da had actually had an affair and that my mother nearly had a nervous breakdown over it. Where was I when all of this happened? I don't remember even a wary glance. Not that I think that parents should have knock-down-drag-outs in front of their children, but honestly, I grew up thinking that my parents never argued and that it was unnatural for couples to do so. And since my sisters and I were not allowed to argue with each other, I figured that families that didn't present a Hallmark card picture to the world were just...bad.

I think that I have a pretty decent marriage. Bing and I love each other. We work hard to get through our differences and celebrate our good times.

But, my marriage is not perfect. Bing and I fight. We are very, very different and come from very different childhoods. Bing is a yell-and-get-it-out person. I am a sulk-and-brood-silently-and-then-explode-two-weeks-later type.

Neither one of us are very romantic. We do dance together sometimes and exchange a nuzzle or two or three. We tease each other a lot. But, we don't kiss in public (and frankly that would not be a very smart thing to do in Nebraska for two women) or call each other "bunny pie" or "sweetums."

I'm not a particularly sexual being. Bing is. She is pretty much ready to go at it if I remove my socks. She tells me that I make her "work for it" and that she often feels as though I have to be coaxed into lovemaking.

She's right. But, as I tell her, it is nothing personal. I am very attracted to her. I am just not all that sexual. Once I am on that road, I tend to heartily enjoy myself, but I often have to be sort of...well...talked into it.

I get there. I'm just sort of slow.

And that is not our only obstacle. I have discovered that what I thought was so cute about her before we became a couple, I no longer find so adorable. I used to find it very sweet that she had to have all the towels folded a certain way in the linen closet. Now that she is sighing heavily and yanking out the towels that I just put away to refold them, I no longer find it so appealing.

I used to laugh at the way she drove like we were on the way to the emergency room even if we were just going to the grocery store. Now, it annoys the snot out of me. She, in turn, used to tease me about driving like a little old lady. She no longer finds that something to smile about. It makes her want to jump out of her skin. I can see it on her face.

She has a strange set of housekeeping methods. She detests crumbs on the counter, a sink faucet that is not wiped off neatly every time you use it and insists on a spanking clean kitchen floor at all times. Yet, she puts her mail in little piles all over the house and gets mad if I throw away an expired ad before she has seen it.

She irons her jeans. I iron....nothing. Maybe a tablecloth if we are having company.

Neither one of us like to discuss our feelings. We have friends who swear that couples therapy is the only thing that keeps them together. I think Bing and I would rather have root canals than sit down together and talk about our feelings with a therapist. This is odd as I used to be the therapist that people came to talk to. So, while in practice, I made a living at it, in private, wild horses couldn't have drug me into a counselor's office unless one of us started robbing 7-11's willy nilly or indulged a need for a bottle of Jack Daniels every night.

We fight. We grow apart. One of us notices and yanks us back together.

Sometimes, I admit that while I love Bing, I do not necessarily like her. And I am quite certain that she feels the same way about me.

I worry when a big obstacle comes along. Right now, she is still in interviews for a job in California. She wants to get this job badly. Me? Not so much. But, if we have to make a decision, well...we will. It is never easy, though.

Love is never simple for us. It involves a lot of negotiation and compromise, neither of which are my strong points. Plus, good hell...sometimes she just plain fucking bugs me. Sometimes, I look at her eating something and think to myself god, she drinks water like a fish and why must she gobble up her food as if someone is going to yank the plate away from her?

I'm sure that if asked, she would have many, many gripes about me. Yet, we both stay. We figure it out. One of us gives in or steps back or forward or whatever is needed for the good of the marriage and the family.

It is exactly like this.

And well, yeah...we figure out how to dance together again, how to get back to where we need to be. Because, in the end, it is worth it. We are worth it.

How about you? If you are married, co-habitating, etc...is your life like a jewelry commercial really? If you are divorced, what pulled you apart? If you are single, what are you looking for?

Just curious.