Thursday, December 13, 2007

The REAL Christmas letter.

Dear Family and Friends,
Well, it is another year of joy for the Jones family. We got through 2007 intact and with our dancin' shoes on, but boy, it sure went fast! It dragged like a sonofabitch and I am glad to be done with it.

Dick got his big promotion that he was promised. With it comes lots of extra hours and responsibility. He is gone a lot, but that's okay. I know he works hard for that money. And okay, he comes home nearly every single night reeking of Wind Song perfume that his skanky secretary wears. Her name is Bitsy. And there is nothing bitsy about her butt. But, I don't say a word because tricky dicky is bringing in extra dough and that gives me more moolah to spend on my obsession with Holly Hobbie paraphernalia for my house.

Joey still works for Pizza Hut. He is on the road a lot in the advertising department. He delivers pizza. He and his girlfriend are thinking about the M word. Maternity. She wants a baby because she thinks they are "so cuuuuttee." Yeah, lookee see how cute they are when they barf all night and keep you from that bong you love so much.

Ben still hasn't met Ms. Right, but we can always hope. We think he is gay. Or maybe he just really, really loves Judy Garland music. He says that he is holding out for a good cook like his mom! There is this guy he likes who bakes brownies to die for. He also has offered to cut my bangs.

Caroline is a cheerleader this year at King High School. She loves to strut her stuff on the basketball court and football field. She has some truly athletic moves! She looks like a pole dancer. She has lots of moves in the back seat of her new boyfriend's souped up car too. He calls at all hours and she whispers about blow jobs and then giggles.

Our youngest (the huge accident because Dick guilted me into screwing him one night and he hates condoms and I was too lazy to get up and put in my diaphragm) is Sue. She is ten and somehow talked us into getting her a puppy this summer. Woof! Woof! I hate that little shit. And that is exactly what he does all over my house. Shits. After two weeks, the shine was off the apple over the dog with Sue and now she basically ignores him, while I on the other hand, take him for two walks a day. Sue likes ballet and takes lessons once a week. She looks like a hippo squeezed into her tutu. I think she needs to just say no to all those after school oreos. And go for walks with me and the dog.

I'm busy with my church choir. We are having a Christmas concert, so lots of rehearsals! Come see us at St. John the Forever Martyr's church on December 22nd at seven sharp! My family won't bother to show up, you can bet on that. Dicky will be getting his dick serviced care of slutty Wind Song bitch and the kids can't be bothered.

I am still working part time at Wal Mart. I like it. It's fun to get out of the house and I get good discounts. I hate that cesspool with all those idiot shoppers but I need money to support my casino habit. The casino is my getaway from the booby hut where I live.

Dicky's mom had a little scare this summer. We had to take her to the ER as she was experiencing chest pains. Faker. Jesus Christ, what won't that woman do for attention? Turns out she just had indigestion. Thank the lord. She eats like a hog, just like all Dicky's side of the family. But, knock on wood, everyone else is well and happy! Dicky and I drink and Joey has several bongs in plain sight in his room. He told me they were vases. As if. Caroline is on heavy duty valium because of her "cheerleading stress." Uh huh. Sue eats entire sacks of potato chips in one sitting and Ben is always in his room with the door shut reading David Sedaris books or Out Magazine.

Come see us if you are ever in the Houston area! Don't you DARE. We love company. The dog likes company, the rest of us don't. All of the kids still live at home. The more the merrier! Shoot me now.

I hope your holiday is as blessed and happy. Actually, I could care less.

Love from the Jones clan!

Oh, and our dog, Zapper Crapper sends a paw print to his animal buds!

22 comments:

Cam said...

Best Christmas letter EVER!

Gypsy said...

Now wouldn't the world be a much more interesting place if we all said what we really think. LMAO...that was very funny Maria.

dive said...

Hee hee hee hee hee

fairydogmother said...

This is going to keep me amused all day!

Angelissima said...

BANNED.

Those letters are really bizarre, aren't they? Its like, if anyone writes bad stuff it looks like your whining and pathetic, and if you write only good stuff you appear pompous and self-absorbed.

Its a no-win situation to be avoided at all costs.

Rich said...

Very funny - that's America today. I always say if you want to to see the future of America just go to walmart, it'll make you want to run for the hills.

Rebecca said...

oh, Jesus!! Sounds like a nifty country song duet!

Jennifer said...

I'd rather not see a Christmas letter because I know a lot of them are fake and full of crap.

But, I would love to see one like this! Too funny!

zirelda said...

Too funny! And so damned true behind the lines.

moonrat said...

heeheehee

greymatters said...

I love it! I don't know what possesses folk to do the Xmas letter thing, but I can tell you that everyone who sends me one gets theirs annotated (heheheh) and put up on the fridge ... LOL.

CDJ said...

Brilliant!

Bah said...

How the hell did you get a copy of my aunt's Christmas letter?

;-)

simonsays said...

I love it!

Thanks for the laugh. :)

eleKtrofly said...

hahaha!

thats so funny-- i'm from houston.

Rebecca said...

That was WAY more interesting than the stuff I've been getting lately.
If only people would just be REAL so we could all laugh at their expense....HAHA!

Proxima Blue said...

Hee,hee,hee very funny!


Humor is good yah!
-P

Stacy said...

What I would not give to get just one letter like that from my childhood friend...my 6ft., blonde Amazon, overacheiving, married to the big kahuna of a major pharmacutical company, mother of 4 perfect little overacheivers, who vacations all over the world at least twice a year and now owns a lake home for the weekends....God, she is so freakin' perfect. And she had to go and be nice so I can't even hate her for it.

Diana said...

I love it!

Patois said...

Thank you for this, you! I am so smiling broadly at this. (I can't laugh out loud as all the misfits in my house are still asleep.)

Pen and the Sword said...

LMFAO. I loved it!

Nickol said...

My kind of Christmas letter.