I saw a piece on the news a few days ago that argued that people without children have more stress in their lives than parents.
I sat there gaping.
WHAT?
I don't know about you, but my life was much simpler before I was a parent. I am not saying that I was happier, but my stress level was ridiculously lower than it is now.
The argument given was that when you have a child, you learn not to sweat the small stuff and to relax more.
So..I guess my question to you is this: If you are a parent, do you believe that your stress level is less? If you are a non parent, do you believe that you have more stress than you would have if you had children?
I just don't get it. When I was childless, I didn't worry about not having money. I wasn't wondering how I was going to put a child through college.
I bought LOTS more clothes than I do now. Now, I buy for Liv first and I get the leftovers. If this means not buying that leather jacket, I don't buy it. While this isn't tremendously stressful, it is frustrating.
I have to be a fucking role model 24/7. This means that even if I WANT a hot fudge sundae, I don't make one because 1) I will have to share it or duplicate one for Liv and 2) She doesn't need sugar at 8 p.m. at night and frankly, neither do I. I also have to refrain from road rage, learn the art of patience and be a good sport far more often than I prefer to be.
Time. I have so much less of it now that I have a child. I find myself jonesin for my David Sedaris book but I need to help Liv with her school report on South Dakota, so I am sitting next to her at the computer looking up Crazy Horse and The Battle of Litle Big Horn instead of sprawling on the sofa and reading my book.
My view of the world is different. Now, I look at things differently. I read accounts of child kidnappings and feel as if someone has put a knife in my heart. I used to feel a little sad and scared at these stories, now I am horrified beyond words. I read the articles with a golf ball lodged in my throat, aching for the child's parents and wondering how in the hell they manage not to throw themselves off of a cliff in their grief. If something like that happened to Liv, I would need a straitjacket.
I am totally responsible for another person now. This means that EVERY single decision I make has to take my child into consideration. My life reverberates all over hers. And vice versa.
I have a very limited social life. Weekends no longer mean sleeping in and going to a bar or even to a movie or a play without planning it weeks in advance and knowing that everything is tentative. If Liv sports a cough or a fever or the babysitter does, all outings are canceled.
I look back on my pre-parent days and wonder what in the hell I did with all that free time?
I have more stress with a child, that is for certain.
I also have more joy. I am happier because of Liv, but am I less stressed? No. Absolutely not.
So...opinions?
20 comments:
I absolutely agree with you Maria, this theory is pure bullshit. There is WAY more stress associated with raising children than there is in just being responsible for yourself. And the bad news is, even when they are all grown up you don't really worry that much less - just about different things! Becoming a parent changes things forever, and it's true that you learn to be more flexible. But that surely doesn't equate with life being less stressful. Who comes up with this stuff?
It would definitely depend on the wording of the question. I think the fact that I am infinitely happier and more satisfied with my life because of these children trumps the additional stresses and fears that having children brings me. And I laugh at how I used to think life was so stressful (pre-kids). I'm not answering your question, am I? I am just babbling.
I'm with you. I don't see where they get that idea from. Since I became a parent my levels of stress have definitely gone up.
My opinion: Yes, parents are WAY more stressed. But non-parental people think they are, because they have no idea what the hell we are going through. :)
Jeez, Maria, who wrote that crap?
I'm a childless old curmudgeon and my stress levels are so low you'd have to set up a derrick and drill for 'em.
My life is intercoursingloy groovy and I shudder with horror at what parents have to go through.
We don't sweat the small stuff because the big stuff is so much bigger. The person who wrote that must not be a parent.
you took the words right out of my mouth! no arguments from me. yes more joy... but no..not less stress..... definitely!
Well, I am wondering if the person who said or wrote this is a parent. And are they one of the parents who have family who help them out with babysitting, and or financial problems??
Because my stress level is unbelievable after becoming a parent. I worry, I stress, and I have to put 2 little people ahead of my own wants and needs. I need new shoes desperately but both of my kids got new shoes and I am still wearing my old sneakers. I will for probably some time. So the person who said this is CRAZY in my book.
My eighth-grade science teacher thought that someday someone would discover that lab mice were particularly susceptible to cancer.
I think that it is very easy for a study to prove what someone wants it to prove, depending on what they look at.
I think some people are more prone to stress than others, whether or not they have children.
I think that parents who do it RIGHT have more stress than parents who aren't paying attention.
I think that anyone who pays attention is likely to have more stress than those who are oblivious.
[I'll just step off my soapbox now.]
Right there with you Maria. I had so much time and if I didn't feel like doing something I didn't. Or if I felt like doing something I did. Can't now. And now I have to worry about all sorts of things I never did before. More joy, yes. More stress, yes. The role model thing? Absolutely. Which really sucks sometimes when I just want to let it loose and play.
So did the people that did the piece have kids?
I thought that report was totally bogus, too. I actually thought of you when I read it, wondering what you would say. :)
As a non-parent, I have situational stress. It goes away. But were I to be a parent, I think I'd feel exactly as you do. The vacillation between wanting to be a parent and not wanting to continues for me...
I'm curious as to whether this news bit was "research," or just someone flapping their gums. Either way, they're so far off base I don't know where to begin.
Um....what?! Who are they kidding?
The day after I came home from the hospital with Joey, my mom watched Joey while hubby and I went to grab a late night dinner. All through dinner, we stared at each other blankly, and the only thing we said, really, was that our lives are forever changed, and that we have created this "stress" that is indefinite. Somehow it "works" as a joyous stress, but still, a stress. I don't have restful sleep EVER because I worry and stress. But I'd never trade it. I am actually overjoyed to have traded my single non-mother days for a stressful married life with kiddos. Here's to never sleeping peacefully again! ha!
My 22 year old daughter says to me every third day--that she doesn't thing she could ever be a parent. While we both agree she is not ready now--I happen to think that at some point she will be.
It does indeed change your life--forever. Stress? You betcha.
Sorry, I think its less stressful to have kids than to be a childless grown-up.
When you have kids, you can still play on the swings and go on the Merry-go-round without anyone paying any attention. You can do all the fun kid stuff forever. Sing stupid Top 40 songs on the radio, pull off to the side of the road for an ice cream cone...and its the best thing in the world!
I still dress up for Halloween, build sandcastles and chase rainbows. We ride the waves, sled down hills and stop on the side of the road to pick wildflowers. (I'm serious!)
Granted, I've 6 kids. Its all about your attitude toward life. In my opinion, as long as they are compassionate, practice good hygiene, have excellent table manners and can engage in lively conversation on a variety of topics plus have a working knowledge of the arts - they've a basis for success in life.
I suppose I've been lucky. They are all healthy and physically attractive. All good students and really no trouble at all. Heck, they even slept though the night after they were born.
The wind up is, don't take it all so seriously. Being a parent is the most natural thing in the world.
Find joy in the everyday and life will take care of itself.
Kids grow up too fast and even though you feel its stressful (?! wait till she's 13-18!! You'll be begging for 8 again!) one day you'll look back and poof! wonder where the last 12 years went.
...enjoy them while you can!
:-)
We don't have kids and we are stressed but I can't imagine ever saying that we are more stressed than people with kids.
I mean the stress of the high energy dog we added into the fray was enough to make us start pulling our hair out. I can't even begin to imagine what stress having a child would produce.
I think the person who put forth that theory is way off.
I can see the point of not sweating the small stuff after you have kids, but at the same time it seems like with kids you have so much more big stuff to sweat. Lead paint in toys, keeping your kid from getting run over while you walk around the construction work going on right in front of his preschool, etc. But you also can't really show your stress as much because kids pick up things so easily, so maybe we can just hide it better... Better question? Aren't there more important things for people to be studying than who has more stress?
here is an equation for you.
pre_children = no stress
children = high stress
post_children = no stress
so we can say:
pre_children = post_children
therefore
no children = no stress
ok...so i am no mathematician... but i can say from experience that once your kids are grown and become self sufficient (that part is key because i know parents whose kids are not and they are stressed) your stress level (or maybe worry level) reduces immensly (tho probably not fully to pre-children levels - i think once you have children you are happily ruined for that.)
What a load of shit.
Yeah, I was sooooo stressed out when I could sleep in on weekends, not wash 2 loads of laundry a day, only worry about myself, and eat cereal for dinner.
Whoever wrote that must have a brain tumor.
I like what Angelissima said.
I don't know if having three kids makes me less stressed or not, but I am certainly a lot less selfish. When I was single, I was pretty selfish and self-centered, and I think that made things seem bigger to me than they really were. Especially a lot of stupid things that didn't really matter.
Now, I get to play with my boys and laugh and I'm a lot happier. A lot more tired, a lot less "fashionable", but a lot happier.
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