Monday, Monday

Monday, Monday
Can't trust that day....

Actually, it all started on Sunday afternoon and just carried over to today. I knew things were sliding along just a little too smoothly.

Yesterday, I suddenly became so sick of Bing that I wanted to scream. I think it is safe to say that she often feels exactly the same about me. But, yesterday just stank.

I looked around the house and decided that this habit of hers of making little piles of things and stacking them around the house just had to stop. We had company over the weekend and I was actually embarrassed by how untidy our home is. It is mostly because of HER piles. And the fact that our main bathroom is unfinished and she keeps making excuses not to get to it.

She was out grilling steaks for dinner and I went outside to tell her that I had reached a conclusion about those damn piles.

Uh huh.

She said something to the tune of I hear you. This infuriated me further as she usually says this when she is sick of me bitching and wants me to shut up. I got all hissy about it and said that if she had truly HEARD me, then perhaps she should act on it.

She smiled blandly at me and took a sip of her bottle of water.

I decided that I DETEST the way she drinks water. Be it a glass or a bottle, she does this strange thing with her lips that looks like a fish. It bothers me. I find it unattractive.

I sighed and sat down at the picnic table. I asked her to PLEASE not burn the garlic bread this time, okay? Did she need me to take it inside and broil it because if she didn't think she could keep an eye on it, well...I could do that. She said no, she had it covered.

She came in later with the steaks and the burned garlic bread. And then she walked right by me and PROTED. (This is my family word for fart. I have no idea why we call it that but we just do.) And then she sort of laughed and said, "Whoops. Hold your breath for minute and it will be all be over soon."

I glared at her. God. Just. Ick.

The rest of the night passed quickly. I was busy with Liv getting her bathed and reading her Harry Potter. When I came out to the living room from taking my bath, Bing was laying on the sofa. She patted the place next to her, lifted up the quilt to make room for me.

I sulkily got in.

I hate this fucking Nebraska weather. We just shut off the a/c a few days ago and now we are laying under a quilt because it is so cold.

Bing gave me a little kiss. Jaysus. Her breath smelled like pickles. I got up, said that I was going to go to bed. She puckered up for another kiss. I hesitated. She noticed.

"Hey, why are you so bitchy tonight?" she asked.

I told her that I was SICK of piles, that she burned the garlic bread, proted right in front of me and now her breath stunk.

"Oh," she said. "Well, goodnight, crabby pants."

I went to bed.

This morning, when I woke up it was Monday. That hardly seemed fair. My weekend had been so very nice and it went so very fast.

I heard the alarm ring at 5:30 for Bing. She went off to take her shower. I laid in bed feeling mad for no good reason.

She came out of the shower and turned on the light to get dressed. Usually, I enjoy watching her do this a lot. She has a very nice physique. Today, I slithered out of the bed like a snake and slunk off to the bathroom, looking at myself in the mirror and wondering how the hell my teeth got so yellow.

I glanced over at the toilet and realized that it needed a cleaning. Sighed.

I would do that later.

I plunked into the kitchen and began making Liv's lunch. Liv came in and started in with her coughing. She has fall allergies and often tries hard to milk them into being able to stay home sick. So, she often has coughing attacks right before school.

I held up the bag of ham and the bag of roast beef. Which did she want for a sandwich?

"I want soup today," she said in her most pitiful, look-at-me-I-am-hacking-my-lungs-out-and-you-won't-even-notice-me voice.

I closed my eyes. Sighed. Looked in the pantry and found tomato, lentil and beef soup. I asked her which kind she wanted.

"Chicken noodle," she said. "My throat kind of hurts...."

I dug in the pantry again and finally found some chicken noodle soup, heated it up and put it in her thermos. Added some crackers. A cheese stick. A bottle of water. Strawberries. A cookie.

Bing came in, all ready for school and leaned down to whisper in my ear.

"I just brushed my teeth, how about a kiss, you look so very hot in your tee shirt and long johns with your hair all sticking up and I bet your breath is pretty rank but see if I care."

I kissed her briefly. "Maybe YOU could make Liv's lunch once in awhile?" I whined.

"I hear you," she answered. "Tomorrow, okay?" And she flew out the door.

Yeah, right. She hears me. Uh huh.

By this time, Liv has said no to everything I have suggested for breakfast. Because. Her. Throat. Kinda. Hurts.

I go into the bathroom, get the thermometer, put it in her mouth and wait.

It beeps.

98.4

"You are fine," I tell her. "Go get dressed for school."

She gives me a sulky look and walks slowly off to her bedroom, stopping twice to have a fake coughing fit.

I go into my room and put on jeans and my first turtleneck of the season. I can't believe that just last week, I was in shorts. Now, it is barely fifty degrees and I am in a fucking turtleneck. I am just glad that I got all my canning and freezing done last week.

I decide to clean the toilet. We are all out of toilet bowl cleaner. Of course.

So, I grab the bleach. Clean the toilet.

By this time, Liv is dressed and I pick up the brush on her dresser.

"How should we do your hair today?" I ask her.

She whispers hoarsely that she just wants a band today. Her. Throat. Kinda. Hurts.

I slide a band into her hair and make her a piece of toast to eat in the car. Grab a carton of yogurt.

For me? Coffee. It is my third cup. On an empty stomach, so my nerves are jangling like a cash register while my stomach is growling.

We set off in the car for school.

We are on time. This is one good thing, I tell myself.

I see THAT mom. The one who looks perfect every day. Every single fucking day this woman looks as if she is Julie Andrews as the novice nun in Sound of Music, waving her hands on a mountain top and singing how the hills are alive with the sound of music and all that shit. She just looks too damn happy. I wonder if she drinks.

She sees me. Smiles. A big smile. Tells Liv that she looks so sweet in her black skirt and black top. "You look like a little Johnny Cash!" she says brightly.

And you know what Liv says. All together now: My throat kinda hurts.

Perfect Mom smiles sympathetically and says to me, "Did you take her temp?"

I can't stand this woman. I really can't.

"Gee, no," I answer. "Do you think it might be that drano she had for breakfast?"

Perfect Mom giggles. And then as she turns to leave, she says, "What an interesting color choice you have for a shirt! Kind of a um...well...sort of pinkish. Not many could pull that color off like you do."

Touche. I get it. Now, get out of my face.

I kiss Liv goodbye and note that as soon as I am six feet away from her she skips over to a group of girls, looking as if her throat is just fine now.

I see my bff, Harriet. Wave. She winds her way over to me.

"What is all over your shirt?" she asks.

I look down and see that I must have splashed bleach on it as I now have little white dots on my pepto bismal colored turtleneck.

"I am not off to a good start," I tell her.

"You just miss your little boy toy," she says. (She met Nirand.)

"I think I need a martini," I tell her.

"How about coffee and a donut with sprinkles?" she says.

I tell her that I need two donuts with many, many sprinkles.

We pull our jackets close around us and head out the front door.

My weekend was deliriously good. Now it is time to join the real world again.

Real life. With sprinkles today.