I have always been conflicted about this. I used to think that everyone was like me but just didn't admit it, that we all had attractions to both men and women but didn't want to confess it to anyone.
Bing says no, that she doesn't feel like that at all, that men do not interest her one bit. My bff, Harriet, says that she is a heterosexual all the way, that she just can't imagine being attracted that way to a woman.
I think that I am basically bisexual. I lean towards homosexuality, but I can still be attracted to men now and then. Maybe 40% of the time. In general, I notice women more than men, but it is not out of the question for me to see a guy and think...ahhhh.
Bing used to tease me in college about being a straight girl who liked seducing women. She still says it sometimes, although, good grief, you think I would have proven it enough to her by now that I am hardly a straight girl. She says that if pushed, she would say that I am bisexual, but moved more by men than women. I disagree, basically because I know what I feel.
I've never had a relationship with a man. Not really. I've had sex with men, had intense friendships with them, but no...never a relationship. When it came time to choose a love relationship, I generally chose women. All of the long term loves of my life (all um...THREE of them) have been with women.
My first real relationship started when I was 24 and ended when I was 31. It was with Cory, a woman who I should have probably just had a short fling with but ended up buying a home with instead. Our relationship worked for five years and the last two years were complete and total hell for both of us. I finally put it out of it's misery and she ended up trying to kill herself. Over me. That pretty much scared the fuck out of me for years. (Don't get to know me, I am lethal!)
My next relationship was such a fiasco that I don't talk about it. And then, of course, I finally decided to let Bing be the um...lucky number three. I am quite certain that there are many, many days when she wonders just what the hell she is doing with me. I'm not good at relationships, I pretty much stumble around them like a bull in a china shop.
But, I admit to being attracted to men sometimes. I have decided that this has less to do with gender and more to do with a personality type. For example, let's see...male celebrities. I like certain types. Bing and I went to see the movie Live Free or Die Hard the other day and the only reason that I consented to sit through it was because the Mac guy was in it. Justin Long. He is in those commercials where he plays the Mac guy to the fat guy's PC. He was all scruffy, but I liked that personality. Johnny Depp can usually make me go all weak kneed in those pirate movies. Forget Orlando Bloom. I don't want the good guys, I like them kind of bad like Johnny or smart alecky in a really sweet way like the Mac guy or John Cusack in all of his movies. He makes me all gooey too.
When I was writing the post before this one about the song Ventura Highway, I included a site to watch America singing that song. As I watched it, I thought to myself that when I was in college if Gerry Beckley or Dewey Bunnell had been in one of my classes, I would have fallen for them. They have that look. That brainy, sort of sweetly sardonic look or else the bad boy Sawyer-from-LOST look.
But, you know who really knocks my socks off? Jonathan Rhys Meyers from this movie. It is that character. That kind of bad boy, kind of smart ass, but oh so smart and sweet too. I would be putty in this man's hands.
And it is the same with women. It is a personality type. Laura Linney. Tina Fey. Diane Lane. Mary Louise Parker. Janeane Garofalo. Types. Women who aren't necessarily knock outs, but smart and funny and a little rough around the edges.
So, I don't seem to have a sexual preference. I think I have a personality preference. Give me a female Jack Sparrow or a male Liz Lemon and I am lost in flirt alley.
I have a type. I think we all have types who do us in. Some of us like boy types, some of us like girl types and a few, like me, can swing either way.
So, I'm curious. What is YOUR type?
33 comments:
on hiatus but still passin thru.. hmmm types... i guess women actresses: meryl streep, michelle pfeiffer etc...
men: robert dinero, the guy in goodfellas..(forgot his name) yeah..oddball dangerous guys.. matt dillon.. etc...
Hmmm... Fun post, Maria! Isn't it a great thing that sexuality is so individual? There's no one quite like you.
My type? Only men, I think. Tall and thin. Wiry. Generally blond. Quiet and reserved. I love big noses on men. Smart(academic, even). Outdoorsy.
My type? that's easy enough, I like the bad boys...the angry, smart-ass, yet damn near broken and craving to be loved (hmm...could explain a lot)ie: Matt Dillon's "Dallas" in The Outsiders...
As for women...I consider myself straight and used to be the type who could never even imagine being attracted to a woman. Of course, as I've gotten older, my imagination has gotten better, but my body still craves a man's touch.
Oh and for the record...Captain Jack Sparrow...such a reincarnation of my first husband, even the rag on his head!!!
Interesting post, Maria.Good question. You know, I have always noticed attractive women, moreso than I would notice men. Sometimes I think it because I am looking for a feminine role model, comparing myself and thinking, " I have to get myself in better shape (like her) and chage my style up (like her)," More recently, I will have that same reaction that you have towards Orlando Bloom or Jack Sparrow. I prefer a healthy guy, in shape, with cute looks, definite personality all his own, Intelligence, good humored, and communicative ( language skills), WISDOM, sprituality (love GOD), and thoughtful. He is the kind of guy who I can look up to and respect. Taller, stronger than me, but not some kind of He-man woman hater. Good eye contact. Good listener, better communicator. Gentle. Am I asking too much? Mostly my type is into me. I am so sick and tired of the " He's just not that into you" guy! I am not giving myself to ANY man these days until he is ready for COMMITMENT. Whew. I just had to get that off my chest. Thank you.
Some of my friends reckon that I should test the waters on the other side of the fence, they tell me its because I am obviously a phenomenal disaster with men. Sometimes I have wondered but not brave enough yet and don't know if I will be!
type? AA's....
Yikes, Maria!
We have EXACTLY the same taste in both men and women.
I mean EXACTLY.
That's spooky.
Help! My last comment got weird.
So, what I was trying to edit was that I'm attracted to curious and hysterically funny types. Looks are all over the map---those two qualities make people sexy to me.
My "type" is anyone with a wicked, demented sense of humor. I can't help it. I'm not terribly romantic, but if you can make me laugh, I go all weak in the knees.
And while I am basically straight, I will admit to having a couple of "girl-crushes" from time to time.
I'm attracted to the artist type; painters, writers, musicians. I also really like the bad girl/boy type; goth/punk tattooed and pierced, rough around the edges loner, emotioanlly unvailable or impulsive free spirit.
Like you I lean more towards women than men, but I am attracted to both. I don't know that I could ever have a long term relationship with a man, but having a fling if I were single wouldn't be out of the question.
That's funny! I always liked me a bad boy but I got tired of it after a while. Met hubs and fell head over heels. He was "bad boy" on the outside, long hair and tattoos but all sweet and nice on the inside. So sexy!
I have always been attracted to the rugged, rough around the edges kind of guy. Throw in a great sense of humor and I will drop no problem.
What's kinda strange is that I will always look at women over men when out in public.
My perfect celebrity man would have to be hands down Kevin Costner!
I've thought about these issues a whole lot given my own past. I was married twice to men. I left my second husband for M, a female. We were married and had a son together. Then I realized I'm not gay. I was living a lie. Kind of in reverse.
I believe sexuality is a shade of gray rather than a black or white. I think everyone falls somewhere on the scale. If homosexuality were a 10, and heterosexuality a 1, I believe many people would fall somewhere in between (though I doubt many - particularly men - could accurately assess themselves). There are those tens and ones, but I think many more in-betweens.
I don't think you ever have to ACT on an impulse to make you somewhere in between. I think of it as just a state of who you are.
Despite the fact that I was with a woman for seven years, I don't think of myself as bisexual. I think of myself as somewhere on that scale closer to heterosexuality with the capacity to love a woman. The reason I don't define myself as bisexual is because what I most crave inside is to be in a loving relationship with a man. I don't think our sexuality is defined by who we have sex with. I believe it is defined by which sex fulfills us in long-term loving relationships. For me, it turns out that that is men. It just took me a lot longer than most to realize it due unusual circumstances growing up.
Sexuality and the people we choose to love is such a personal thing. We each have our own truth. This is mine, that I share simply as food for thought. I don't claim it is THE right answer as I don't think there is simply one right answer. I think there are probably many.
Funny, witty, artistic types. Tall, broad shouldered, great eyes.
(My hubby fits all of those!)
I'm also a sucker for an accent. Think "Luka" from ER (Goran Višnjić) or "Mohinder Suresh" from Heroes (Sendhil Ramamurthy).
Well I'm definately an outtie-lover myself LOL. HOWEVER, I can appreciate a woman's beauty you know? Like I find certain women attractive, and can really see why a man (or woman) would think she's attractive. However, I am not interested in them in a sexual way. I'm more spiritually drawn to women.
I used to like bad boys, until I got sick of living life on the edge.
I switched over to intelligent, creative, whacky/corny sense of humor and at least 5'10" tall.
I spend a lot of time in fantasy land regarding women.
If I had any normal sort of relationship with a woman when I was younger, who knows?
I was a lesbian magnet. I almost ended up calling the cops on this one woman who started showing up at my office. ugh! Several have tried to convince me I was actually a lesbian. I don't know how they knew that, I never had any physical contact with a chic.
To each their own.
Celebs? John Cusack, number one.
Leonardo DiCaprio, Brad Pitt, Robert Redford. Mel Gibson when he was younger. Just because they are uber hot and talented.
Reese Witherspoon, Goldie Hawn, Kate Hudson.
Interesting topic. Got everybody involved.
I was just thinking about this! You know, since I've been single for such a long time and I've got that itch going on. ;-)
My type tends to be outdoorsy and somewhat of a salty dog. I dig somebody that can leave me the hell alone and can be left alone. Physically, I like tall and hippiefried guys. And they usually lean towards artistic and/or flaky.
BUT, I also l.o.v.e. the super clean cut guys too.
I guess I don't have no steenking type. Unless Johnny Depp is a type. I'd totally hit that. :-)
Give me someone I can laugh with and talk to about absolutely nothing...and I'm a puddle.
I don't need a looker...I'm not much to look at myself...
I agree with Elizabeth, that our sexual preferences fall on a continuum, with all of us being somewhere between one and ten. I believe that society tries to drill that natural state out of us with "know your role" crap. I can easily appreciate the beauty and the sensuality of both sexes, and most definitely attraction to someone's personality and spirituality play into the equation, regardless of their gender. In my experience, we may have gender preferences for whatever reasons, but that doesn't mean we can't enjoy other experiences outside of our normal frame of reference.
Men only, but I did have a crush on a woman boss once. NOT my current one, yikes!
What a great post, Maria! Men only for me, but I certainly can see when a woman is sexy, and once or twice in my life I have thought that so much that it can make me wonder...for a second....teehee
Wow, you totally described it in such a great way! I agree with you. I don't consider myself to be bisexual, though. I consider myself a lesbian because I only have sex and relationships with women. I have had sex with a man before, but it was purely a sex thing and I wasn't even attracted to him! I guess you could say that I knew I loved women, but wanted to "try out" men...big mistake. Although, I can definitely look at a ripped, muscle-bound hottie walking down the street and go, "check him out!"...doesn't mean I'd want to do him.
Even tho' you didn't say it, I so knew you were crushing on me in your responses to my posts! LOL
Actually, I don't have a type, except that I tend to be anti-blonde as everyone seems to want to be 'bottle' blonde anyway. I like women whom are natural (not in the don't shave or use deoderant/shampoo natural) but are more or less comfortable with what nature gave them.
oh, as I am a guy, the easier the better... :>
Sigh, my type is a guy with an attitude which is a monster mistake, but it's what I like. Sick and twisted for sure...
Definitely male though.
But my dream relationship is one where whoever it is goes home sometimes.
I'm definitely lesbian, through and through. I may look like a straight suburban girly-girl on the outside, but inside there's absolutely nothing straight about me. I can't believe I was ever actually with men, let alone married to one. Nothing about a man's body attracts me sexually at all. Everything about women attract me, physically and emotionally.
As for my type, ultra smart, witty, preppy, slightly sporty looking, even if she's not really sporty, nice boobs, arm muscles, and kind eyes... all of that, of course, adds up to my wife. (Yeah, I'm a sap.)
I mostly like guy types, but occasionally meet a girl type who makes me turn my head. They are all the same type though--smart, very funny, a little self-deprecating in a sexy way.
Mostly, though, I fancy myself the alone type...at least for the foreseeable future. This pot needs to breath sans lid for awhile.
I know what you mean about being attracted to types regardless of gender--I am attracted to certain types of women--funny, smart, independent, sassy--but I am not sexually attracted to them. I want to be around them and enjoy their company.
This is very interesting. I always thought bisexuals were people who couldn't make their mind up! ;-)
(I keed, I keed!)
What is my type? Looking back over my past daliances, a single "type" doesn't really crop up, except maybe that I tend to be attracted to smart asses -- romantically and as friends. People who are too serious or nice make me uncomfortable. Give me a healthy dose of sarcasm and I'm yours forever.
As for looks, I guess I prefer the tall, dark and handsome stereotype. Not uber tall... 6 footish is fine.
But for me, it's all about the sense of humor. Someone who doesn't take himself too seriously.
Hubbz and I do each have a "list," though. A group of people we could ostensibly cheat on each other with if given the opportunity. Mine fluctuates, but has included people like John Cusack, Patrick Dempsey, Benjamin Bratt, Harry Connick Jr., Ben Affleck, Pacey from Dawson's Creek (my cradle-robbing crush)... and I can't think of any others right now.
Oh, and when Al Gore was Clinton's running mate, I used to have a charming and delightful saying "I'd tarnish his political reputation." (I am/was all class!!)
Although I've been with men (granted, the last time was sometime in Reagan's first term), I found them ... well? Boring. Great friends material, but beyond that, nothing. No spark; no interest; no ... yanno?
Uhhh ... women, OTOH, I've never called boring. If I have a type, it's pretty general, for I've dated all over the spectrum. Generally speaking, the women I've dated seriously have all been: much smarter than am I, over 5' 11" tall, active, sporty, academically minded, urbane, gifted with wicked senses of humor.
I like 'em smart, kind, patient and funny. I like a smartass. I enjoy sarcasm (as long as it's not aimed at me). Sex appeal is so subjective, isn't it. I always thought I was completely straight. I have since learned otherwise. God bless my husband for the freedom to discover all that I have.
Excellent post, Maria. You are very good at getting to the heart of a matter.
I've been with men, but never found them all that stimulating sexually and not at ALL emotionally. But friends? Perfect.
Women drive me nuts, in all the right ways. I like dark hair & eyes, athletic, artistic (usually visual artists- photog, painter).
Maria, I don't know if you read Seiche's blog, but you should read this post:
http://seiche-seiche.blogspot.com/2007/09/revolution-of-apathy-and-disinterest.html
It's a damn good read.
You said, "What is YOUR type?"
A kind heart, a loving soul - a forgiving soul. Boyish or girlish, I think I like them both. Maybe because I feel I have both qualities. I'm not butch, but I'm not fully femm either.
I'm just me. What I like is more in the heart.
Post a Comment