This should get some really good hits...
I went to Whole Foods today to grocery shop. They have two products that my family HAS to eat every week: McCann's Steel Cut Irish Oatmeal and goat milk yogurt.
Bing makes the Irish oatmeal in the crock pot on Saturday night and we wake up to it for Sunday breakfast. It is THAT good. We all have our variations. I like brown sugar and raisins, Liv likes cinnamon, and Bing, blueberries. We all like goat milk yogurt for treats. Yes, we are odd that way. I still recall a friend of Liv's telling her mother that she had goat milk yogurt for a treat and could they stop on the way home and get some? Her mother gave me a very odd look, as if I had given her daughter fried grasshopper legs or something...
Anyway, there I was at Whole Foods, stocking up on our strange foods. I had noticed as I got out of the car that my blue peasant skirt and blue tee shirt did not match, the blues were off. But, that wasn't all. I looked down at my feet and wondered whose foot was that? I had on TWO different shoes. Both were flats. One was a blue ballet slipper and the other was a blue chinese slipper. I have no idea how I managed to put two different shoes on and not NOTICE....but, hey it was before I had my coffee.
I decided to just go in and out as fast as I could. Whole Foods is kind of a hip place. Maybe people who saw me would think that I was just that cool. Kind of a hip Hey-I'm-wearing-two different-types-of-shoes-on-purpose! kind of woman.
I should mention too, that I had given myself a facial that morning. One that was bright blue when slathered on but as it dried, it faded to a pale blue. I had makeup on, I knew that much.
So, I walked in and immediately knew that I would need a bathroom shortly. I decided that since I was on one side of the store and the bathrooms were on the other side, well...I would just hold it and then run in the bathroom when I got on the other side.
I bought my items, stopped and checked out their candy selection, one of those old fashioned places where candy is stored in bins and you use a little scoop to take out what you need and then write it's matching number on the little twist tie thingy. I figured that we would probably be going to a movie this weekend and decided to get a scoop of malted milk balls.
Just as I was scooping up the balls, I felt a hand slap my ass. Kind of hard.
I leaped in the air, malted milk balls flying. I whipped around to see a man looking at me in horror.
"Oh, sweet baby Jesus, I'm SORRY," he said. "I thought you were my wife! You look just like her from that angle..." He trailed off and then this very plain, rather slatternly looking woman in a blue peasant skirt and blue tee shirt came up with her cart.
Oh, how nice. He thought I looked like HER? This woman had a bowling ball ass. And that scraggly hair! Maybe I should just put those malted milk balls back...
The man pointed his wife out to me with a SEE? SEE? gesture and they sailed away. He didn't apologize or offer to help me pick up the malted milk balls. I sighed and bent to pick them up.
Two hands came into my view and began helping me. I looked up and...shit.
It was Ella. A woman who I dated seriously for several months years ago. We had parted when she realized that I was probably never going to commit to anything other than a movie once in awhile. She had told me on our last date that she thought I was "emotionally stunted." She was dressed in a smart looking short and top outfit. It matched. She wore nice little strappy sandals. Her hair was pulled up in a tidy topknot on her head.
She looked very good. I became very aware that I looked like...well, like that rude man's wife.
She smiled. Cocked her head in that way that catty women do when they know that you look like shit and they do not.
I nodded. Guilty as charged. God, I wanted to look so good and I looked so...me.
All the malted milk balls were picked up and tossed into the garbage bin by then. She leaned on her cart and asked me how I was doing.
My need to pee was suddenly very strong. It had snuck up on me. It does that when you are in your late 40's. Just a charming part of the aging process.
I sort of wiggled a bit, locking my legs together a little.
I said I was fine, fine. How was she?
It was a rhetorical question. Apparently, though, she thought that I really cared. So, she launched into this long diatribe about her recent trip to Spain with her girlfriend. A girlfriend who she made a point to tell me that she was very much in love with and they were in a state of bliss together, very committed, happy, long term, no emotional-stunting-problem joyful coupledom.
By this time, I realized that if I didn't pee very soon, I would be letting loose on the floor like a naughty dog.
I tried to hurry her along, smiled and checked my watch. Said that I hoped to see her again soon. She didn't seem to take the hint, just kept talking while people maneuvered their way around us, frowning.
I interrupted her. Told her that I was sorry, but I had to go, I was in a terrible hurry. She gave me a look that clearly said You are so rude!
I practically ran to the bathroom. Well, as fast as you can run when you have your legs twisted together. I must have looked like a lurching madwoman, but I somehow made it to the bathroom, was actually lifting up my skirt before I even got the door shut.
I sat down and peed, as my sainted Irish mother would have said, like a racehorse. I washed my hands and looked up into the mirror above the sink. And noticed a line of light blue over my left eyebrow where I had neglected to get all the dried facial off. I also saw two smears of blush on my cheeks. I then recalled that I had been putting on blush when the phone rang. I had gone to answer it and forgotten to come back in and blend in my blush. I looked ridiculous. This could only happen to me. I hastily wet a paper towel and cleaned off the blush and the blue line before I went out to retrieve my cart.
I went to the check out counter and wouldn't you know it, there was Ella in front of me. She smiled frostily at me and gave me an up and down look.
She stopped at my shoes. I looked down too and realized that yes, those were my feet with the two mismatched shoes. And also with the toilet paper trailing off one of them.
I didn't say a word. Just looked right back at her as if she were the weird one.
I have found that if you act very haughty when you feel dangerously embarrassed, you can sometimes rise above a situation.
I shlepped off to the parking lot with a sack of groceries in each hand.
One sack broke right when I got to my car. Cartons of yogurt began rolling everywhere. I sighed and went to retrieve them.
I noticed a set of blue jean clad legs come into view and their owner leaned down to help me. I looked up to smile at them.
It was ANOTHER ex. Amelia. Our smiles froze when we saw each other. Like my relationship with Ella, this one had not ended particularly amiably. In fact, I believe that Amelia's last words to me were something about me having Vulcan blood instead of human.....
Okay dokey. Round two.