Friday, August 17, 2007

Nearly peeing my pants at Whole Foods.

This should get some really good hits...

I went to Whole Foods today to grocery shop. They have two products that my family HAS to eat every week: McCann's Steel Cut Irish Oatmeal and goat milk yogurt.

Bing makes the Irish oatmeal in the crock pot on Saturday night and we wake up to it for Sunday breakfast. It is THAT good. We all have our variations. I like brown sugar and raisins, Liv likes cinnamon, and Bing, blueberries. We all like goat milk yogurt for treats. Yes, we are odd that way. I still recall a friend of Liv's telling her mother that she had goat milk yogurt for a treat and could they stop on the way home and get some? Her mother gave me a very odd look, as if I had given her daughter fried grasshopper legs or something...

Anyway, there I was at Whole Foods, stocking up on our strange foods. I had noticed as I got out of the car that my blue peasant skirt and blue tee shirt did not match, the blues were off. But, that wasn't all. I looked down at my feet and wondered whose foot was that? I had on TWO different shoes. Both were flats. One was a blue ballet slipper and the other was a blue chinese slipper. I have no idea how I managed to put two different shoes on and not NOTICE....but, hey it was before I had my coffee.

I decided to just go in and out as fast as I could. Whole Foods is kind of a hip place. Maybe people who saw me would think that I was just that cool. Kind of a hip Hey-I'm-wearing-two different-types-of-shoes-on-purpose! kind of woman.

I should mention too, that I had given myself a facial that morning. One that was bright blue when slathered on but as it dried, it faded to a pale blue. I had makeup on, I knew that much.

So, I walked in and immediately knew that I would need a bathroom shortly. I decided that since I was on one side of the store and the bathrooms were on the other side, well...I would just hold it and then run in the bathroom when I got on the other side.

I bought my items, stopped and checked out their candy selection, one of those old fashioned places where candy is stored in bins and you use a little scoop to take out what you need and then write it's matching number on the little twist tie thingy. I figured that we would probably be going to a movie this weekend and decided to get a scoop of malted milk balls.

Just as I was scooping up the balls, I felt a hand slap my ass. Kind of hard.

I leaped in the air, malted milk balls flying. I whipped around to see a man looking at me in horror.

"Oh, sweet baby Jesus, I'm SORRY," he said. "I thought you were my wife! You look just like her from that angle..." He trailed off and then this very plain, rather slatternly looking woman in a blue peasant skirt and blue tee shirt came up with her cart.

Oh, how nice. He thought I looked like HER? This woman had a bowling ball ass. And that scraggly hair! Maybe I should just put those malted milk balls back...

The man pointed his wife out to me with a SEE? SEE? gesture and they sailed away. He didn't apologize or offer to help me pick up the malted milk balls. I sighed and bent to pick them up.

Two hands came into my view and began helping me. I looked up and...shit.

It was Ella. A woman who I dated seriously for several months years ago. We had parted when she realized that I was probably never going to commit to anything other than a movie once in awhile. She had told me on our last date that she thought I was "emotionally stunted." She was dressed in a smart looking short and top outfit. It matched. She wore nice little strappy sandals. Her hair was pulled up in a tidy topknot on her head.

She looked very good. I became very aware that I looked like...well, like that rude man's wife.

She smiled. Cocked her head in that way that catty women do when they know that you look like shit and they do not.


I nodded. Guilty as charged. God, I wanted to look so good and I looked

All the malted milk balls were picked up and tossed into the garbage bin by then. She leaned on her cart and asked me how I was doing.

My need to pee was suddenly very strong. It had snuck up on me. It does that when you are in your late 40's. Just a charming part of the aging process.

I sort of wiggled a bit, locking my legs together a little.

I said I was fine, fine. How was she?

It was a rhetorical question. Apparently, though, she thought that I really cared. So, she launched into this long diatribe about her recent trip to Spain with her girlfriend. A girlfriend who she made a point to tell me that she was very much in love with and they were in a state of bliss together, very committed, happy, long term, no emotional-stunting-problem joyful coupledom.

By this time, I realized that if I didn't pee very soon, I would be letting loose on the floor like a naughty dog.

I tried to hurry her along, smiled and checked my watch. Said that I hoped to see her again soon. She didn't seem to take the hint, just kept talking while people maneuvered their way around us, frowning.

I interrupted her. Told her that I was sorry, but I had to go, I was in a terrible hurry. She gave me a look that clearly said You are so rude!

I practically ran to the bathroom. Well, as fast as you can run when you have your legs twisted together. I must have looked like a lurching madwoman, but I somehow made it to the bathroom, was actually lifting up my skirt before I even got the door shut.

I sat down and peed, as my sainted Irish mother would have said, like a racehorse. I washed my hands and looked up into the mirror above the sink. And noticed a line of light blue over my left eyebrow where I had neglected to get all the dried facial off. I also saw two smears of blush on my cheeks. I then recalled that I had been putting on blush when the phone rang. I had gone to answer it and forgotten to come back in and blend in my blush. I looked ridiculous. This could only happen to me. I hastily wet a paper towel and cleaned off the blush and the blue line before I went out to retrieve my cart.

I went to the check out counter and wouldn't you know it, there was Ella in front of me. She smiled frostily at me and gave me an up and down look.

She stopped at my shoes. I looked down too and realized that yes, those were my feet with the two mismatched shoes. And also with the toilet paper trailing off one of them.

I didn't say a word. Just looked right back at her as if she were the weird one.

I have found that if you act very haughty when you feel dangerously embarrassed, you can sometimes rise above a situation.

I shlepped off to the parking lot with a sack of groceries in each hand.

One sack broke right when I got to my car. Cartons of yogurt began rolling everywhere. I sighed and went to retrieve them.

I noticed a set of blue jean clad legs come into view and their owner leaned down to help me. I looked up to smile at them.

It was ANOTHER ex. Amelia. Our smiles froze when we saw each other. Like my relationship with Ella, this one had not ended particularly amiably. In fact, I believe that Amelia's last words to me were something about me having Vulcan blood instead of human.....

Good hell.

Okay dokey. Round two.


Lainey-Paney said...

Change the title of this post to read: Maria's Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day.

How does all of this happen in ONE day?

SassyFemme said...

Oh my, I don't even know what to say, just Oh.My!

Lainey's got a great point about the title!

I hope you went home and had a few good drinks tonight!

Chelle said...

Am I in trouble for laughing?

You have some serious bad luck. Hope the rest of your day was a _whole_ lot better.

Josie Two Shoes said...

Oh Lord, Maria, we've all had days like that! Why is it when you couldn't possibly look any worse, you run into everyone you'd like to impress? It must be one of Murphy's Laws or something. This was truly a very funny story, and I could help but sit here laugh - with you of course. I've had those "gotta pee" urges too often and made that same mad dash across the grocery store after lingering just a bit too long in the aisle. Ahh the joys of bodies getting older!

Heather said...


What a day.

Good call with the haughty attitude though. ;-)

sister AE said...

Well, now that you have THAT unpleasantness finished, the rest of the weekend will have to be smooth sailing. Right? (maybe you shouldn't answer that...)

Lulubelle B said...

OMG! Major LOL and snorting! Oh hell - now I have to pee!!

Mrs. Schmitty said...

YOu need to grocery shop somewhere else. Maybe online? Do they deliver? Poor girl!

jenny said...

oh god, let me event a time machine so you can go back and do this day again!

I havnt done the two different shoes thing but I have gone out in my house slippers once...or twice....and with a shirt inside out...and once with a BIG sale ticket hanging out the back...oh the shame!

dive said...

Non matching top and skirt; non-matching shoes; a smear of blue across your forehead. Now that's my kind of woman, Maria. Hee hee.
Now I'm going to have to go make oats with goat's milk yogurt. Yum!

Angelissima said...

Whole Foods. That place is a joke. Who needs to pay 5.95 for a bunch of parsley?

Is it hard to find McCanns and Goat Milk Yogurt out there? ...we can buy that stuff at Shoprite. PLUS...
Whole Foods CEO John Mackey is a CREEP. Google him!
From Salon:

"Mackey, has emerged as both a hero and antihero of the environmental movement. He makes no apologies for running a large, consolidated operation that imports produce and displaces local farmers and small vendors. A notorious foe of unions, he's a staunch libertarian described by The New York Times Magazine as a man "who admires Ronald Reagan and prefers The Wall Street Journal editorial page to this newspaper's."


Robyn said...

Ok, you have to be making up the part about the toilet paper trailing from your shoe.

Very funny, and so very human. I do like your writing style, Maria. Ha.

zirelda said...

I almost spit my coffee all over my keyboard laughing so hard.

You poor woman. Talk about a day where you shoulda stayed in bed.

I've done the blush thing before. And the one where you put eyeliner only on one eye because you got distracted in the middle.

I feel for you.

simonsays said...

Only you could make an entertaining, upbeat, happy post about a really rotten day. I am still laughing...thanks for the chuckle---it's a day when I really need it....

And I DO think you are a happenin' chick, with two shoes that don't match...

And THIS is why I moved after my single days, no running into the ex's...

kristi said...

Yep, that is why I don't go out of the house withouth giving myself the once over. What a nightmare. What a funny post. I think I would have slapped the SHI* out of that man!

Zoe said...

Oh good grief, how awful. When it rains it pours eh.

r.d. said...

That was the funniest thing I've read in a very long time. Thank you. What's the deal though?! Are you ok because you sound like a crazy person... Once I went to work with my shirt on inside out, but that was when I was young and stupid and probably slept in the thing as well.

amusings_bnl said...

what an adventure. what an ass slappin' malted milkballs throwin' pants peein' ex-runnin' into day you had.

i have one Ex. he and i talk a lot. i'm friends with his wife. sometimes, with distance, you can totally be friends with people. and that is good because at one time - you LOVED them. so there should always be a thread of happy that runs between, even if you're not together.

however. Ms. hoity toity me monster keeping you from peeing and looking at you like you're crazy? yeah. i'd be okay if you were never friends with her again.

do that meme, damnit.

JYankee said...

ha Maria, maybe you need a "good" mask day that you can just slip on... have it in the car when you need it...take people's minds off of your miss-matched shoes.... ha...thanks for the laugh and the good story!

Factor 10 said...

Oh, Maria, that is soooo something that would happen to me. The only thing you left out was spinach in the teeth, or knocking over someone ELSE's groceries. I tell myself it makes for funny stories. The toilet paper on the shoe? It's the symbol for dorkbloggers because we've all been there....

Katherine Mercurio Gotthardt said...

LMAO Oh thank you. Thank you. Thank you. If I had to count how many times things like my socks don't match....

Alice Kildaire said...

Somehow you always manage...and with such grace! I can clearly see you in your various shades of blue, doing the pee-pee dance during all that!

Mme Benaut said...

Hilarious Maria. What a day.