Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Another reason to get a hearing aid, part two.

Liv and I are in the car driving her to school this morning.

She is listening to the classical station, something she likes to do on the way to school. A song comes on with a piercing melody.

Liv looks at me and says, "Bing told me that you used to play sex with her sometimes."

Yeah, that was me choking on my cuban coffee.

I give her a look. I'm trying to decide what to say.

Liv goes on. "She said that you weren't very good at it, but that you tried really hard to learn and she thought that was really cool."

I carefully put my coffee in the cup holder and turn to look at Liv at a stop light.

"Honey, I am not sure what you mean by "playing sex."

Liv looks at me with big eyes.

"I said SAX, Mama!"


I sputter and eventually say something totally stupid about the fact that I did try to learn to play the saxophone, but I got tired of all that blowing and my mouth just wasn't suited to it.

Liv is quiet for a moment and then (of course) she says, What exactly is sex?"

She is eight. I swear to god that I am going out to buy a hearing aid tomorrow.

Luckily, we had pulled into her school parking lot and I told her we would discuss it tonight.

After I got Liv safely delivered to her classroom, I called Bing and told her what happened.

She thought it was quite funny. She said she would bring a sax home tonight from school. She offered to play it in the background while I had my talk about sex with Liv.

I called her a toad and hung up on her.

So, I spent the afternoon carefully planning on what to say to Liv, pondering how much she could deal with at her age, etc.

And she hasn't said a word, except to ask me to "pass the man."

I looked blankly at her. Bing repeated. "Honey, she asked you to pass the ham..."

Oh. Of course.

Good hell. Hold on. This could be a bumpy night.....


Lainey-Paney said...

go get your hearing checked.

....or...."why dear maria, where are your thoughts these days???"

Terroni said...

Yeah...just make sure you talk about sex BEFORE she asks someone to pass the man.

My mom was a total chicken-shit when it came to that discussion, by the way. She put in a video called "Where Did I Come From?" and then asked, "Any questions?"

CDPJ said...

Oh my! That is one of the funniest things I've read all day. I am quietly laughing to myself because there's a friend trying to sell me beauty products on the phone right now. In lieu of laughin out loud, there are tears rolling out of my right eye.

you seriously need to do soemthing about that hearing issue... and I have to say, Bing's response about the sax/sex fiasco was awesome!

Josie Two Shoes said...

Oh dear - you really must get those hearing aids! Just wait 'til Liv becomes a teenager, then you'll wish that you were hearing wrong!

JYankee said...

ha ha well... we kinda know where YOUR mind is these days Maria! ha.... freudian slips????

Kate said...

I always tell myself that it isn't my hearing; Sara must just be really soft-spoken...

RJ said...

Hi. My SO turned me on to your blog. It's great.

Let me just say - sounds like you are in for another long 10 years until graduation. LOL. Good luck with that. Hearing Aide you say? LOL

I love your blog. Keep sharing. Thanks for the late night laughs. Opps sorry maybe not so funny for you? :)

Kate said...

You know when I need to go into labour you better write me something this funny!!
My sides are hurting, tears on my face and my kids are looking at me very strangely from the other side of the room.
Please stop, Im only 18 weeks along the road.

dive said...

Hee hee hee.
Once again you've made my day, Maria.
I've sent a link to this post to Jann, my sax player; she'll crack up.

"I got tired of all that blowing and my mouth just wasn't suited to it."
Oh, my … Paging Doctor Freud …

Good luck with the birds and the bees.

simonsays said...

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA....good heavens girl....HA HA HA HA HA...OMG

Angelissima said...

She'll probably forget all about it.
Let me know if you need pointers, I've had to explain it half a dozen times - so far without casualties.

zirelda said...

Too funny.

Rach started asking questions around that age. After I explained the mechanics to her, whenever it comes up she just doesn't want to know.

For me it was more, How much can I handle? My entire sex education from my mother included a box of Kleenex and her tearfully asking, "Are boys forcing you to have sex with them?"


kristi said...

Um yeah, go get that hearing checked! LOL!

weese said...

too freakin' funny.

tell her about sex. just be completly frank about it. kids appreciate that. You can leave out ALOT of details for 8 year olds - they will come back with questions as they think more about it on thier own.

moonrat said...


we are, of course, going to require an update...

Trop said...

The nice thing about discussing sex with an 8-year-old is they quickly hit their saturation point.

I misheard Amanda when, while driving from her lesson, I asked her to find out from her guitar teacher when to restring her bass. "I did ask him Mom. Justin said I should change the strings when I get *finger funk*." I nearly drove off the road.

Stacy said...

And why is it, Maria, that nearly all of your mishearings take a sexual tone? ;)

For Va Jay Jays Only said...

sorry everyone but i don't want maria to get her hearing check...b/c i totally enjoy her

Melanie said...

i'm sorry to say that i take great pleasure in your discomfort over this whole thing. because i know you're going to do just fine anyway, it's not like you're going to take the easy way out and start talking about cabbage leaves and storks and turnip trucks. i've always erred on the side of giving the kids maybe a little too much info. i try to watch their cues for when they've heard enough to satisfy their curiosity, but i'm so anxious to be sure that they are *really well* armed with all the information they need to be safe that i think i go overboard a little bit.

my husband is just relieved that he never has to deal with any of it, because i've clearly got it TOTALLY COVERED THANK YOU VERY MUCH. :D

SassyFemme said...

Oh my God, that's hilarious! I think the hardest question we ever had to answer from Jen was when she asked what an orgasm felt like. Oy.

Rebecca said...

Well, that's ONE way to initiate "The Talk"! In our house, it was Google. My son and I were doing Google Image searched for a Teddy Roosevelt timeline he was working on. He took that concept and decided to look up images of sex, boobs, etc., which we found in the history. Yah. The talk about sex as an industry vs. sex as a function of life discussion, along with some books. OY!