I have this friend. I call her GI Jane because she was once in the military. She is now out of the military, has been with her partner, Sheila, for five years and they are expecting a baby, due date Memorial Day. Sheila already has a 16 year old daughter from a previous marriage, but Jane's mama-clock kicked in on her 37th birthday and they decided to have a baby together. Jane has a degree in public relations and last year earned her M.F.A in fiction writing. She landed a plum job as a news writer at a TV station a mere FOUR days after her masters was in hand. Sheila is a bank manager. When their son (they knew the sex asap) arrives, Jane plans to take her maternity leave and then Sheila will leave her job to stay home with him.
Jane calls me every night after Lost. So, when the phone rang last night and I saw Jane's number on the caller id, I assumed that the baby was coming or had already arrived, since it wasn't a Wednesday night. I picked up the phone and it was Jane. Her voice was decidedly grumpy, so I knew that little Flynn Laurence had not arrived yet.
She said, that no, she wasn't calling me with news. She was calling because...well...because she had had a dream last night and she wanted me to help her analyze it. I told her to go ahead. Tell me.
A long silence.
"I don't think I can yet," she said. "Can we talk about other stuff for awhile and just slip into it casually in a few moments?"
We talked about Lost. About my total love of Sawyer (I swear if his character was a woman I would be done for) and her total love of Kate. We discussed how Jack's eyes just keep getting more limpid each show.
We discussed my blog. Jane told me that my thing for the Johnny Mathis song was just plain creepy and that I need to stop it, right now. We discussed how our mother's days had panned out.
We discussed how she finally has the big giant gazoombas that she always wanted. Unfortunately, she also has this big giant belly to go with them. She said the boobs make her feel like Jayne Mansfield and the belly makes her feel like Horton the elephant. She said that idiot people keep coming up to her and touching her belly and she has just about had it with that. That the next person who does that is going to get their butt felt up and see how they like THAT shit.
"So," I finally said, "Are you ever going to get to this dream?"
She sighed. "Well, it's just...it made me realize that I am a terrible mother and this kid isn't even born yet. Maybe I should just send you the adoption papers and you should get your guest room painted baby blue."
I told her to just tell me the frackin dream already.
She said that she dreamed that she had the baby and it looked exactly like Draco Malfoy.
I stifled a laugh.
"Even if I can't hear you, I KNOW you are laughing at me," she growled. "I can feel you snickering. So stop it. That isn't the worst of it."
"I'm not snickering," I told her. "Ok. Maybe I am chortling a little, but not snickering."
She then proceeded with the rest of the dream. Apparently, in her dream, once she saw her Draco Malfoy lookalike son, she cold bloodedly went to a "baby grocery store" and tried to exchange him for a better looking baby, one who wouldn't act like a little asshole and be a death eater when he grew up.
"I can't believe I did this even in my dream!" she wailed. "I was so cold hearted about it. I actually tried to foist him off on someone else and steal THEIR baby instead!. What kind of monster mother am I?"
I told her that this was a very common occurrence, that often pregnant women have very vivid, very weird dreams. Some women dream that they give birth to puppies. Others dream that their baby turns into a plant. It was no big deal.
Jane sighed. "It's just...I hope he didn't dream that with me. I mean, what if he is just laying there in his soft little nest inside of me and then WHAM...there I go dreaming that I hate him and want to give him away. I keep picturing him watching my dreams like little miniature movies and there I go dreaming shit like that. He'll have a complex and he isn't even born yet. I am fucking him up already! I am a very bad mother!"
I told Jane that I would write a blog about this and ask everyone who has been pregnant if they remember what they dreamed about. She agreed. Said that she reads this blog nearly every day. (My analytics say that it is actually about twice a week, you lying big fat pregnant woman..but hey, ok.)
So...what did you dream about while you were pregnant?"
We talked for a bit more and then I told her to go put her feet up and call me after Lost. She agreed and we began saying our goodbyes.
Right before we hung up, I told her that I thought Draco was actually kind of an interesting name.
She called me a horrid, filthy name. And then went off to soak her swollen ankles.