Thursday, April 05, 2007

If You Give A Moose A Muffin...

If you give Bing a square of bathroom tile she will probably want to go to the custom tile store to match it.

You'll arrive there and the salesman will spend twenty minutes telling you that not only is your tile square not available anymore (vintage 50's...could probably sell it on e-bay for some big bucks he says), but that it is not floor tile, but wall tile.

Bing will want to tear the entire bathroom floor tile out and replace it. You'll have to look at three hundred and seventy two styles. She will only like those that cost at least 5 bucks a square.

You'll settle for a dark gray granite floor tile that is so expensive that you have to keep swallowing hard or else you know you will start screaming.

Bing will not want to contact anyone to help her with the tile as she has seen someone do it before and is confident that it will be "a snap."

You are sweating profusely at this point, but manage to nod weakly.

On the way home, Bing will suggest that you swing by this nice little remodeling parts store that she saw once.

You will go in and she will immediately see a pedestal sink that she wants more than anything. This will require that she tear out the entire vanity that is still in your bathroom. You have no idea what is behind this wall, but suspect that it is not tiles that will match the rest of the half wall of them.

Bing has never done this before either. She and the saleswoman will talk a long time about how to replace a sink and how to re-do the drywall behind the current vanity. The saleswoman will say things like, "You have to be careful not to hit too hard with the sledgehammer and mess up the plumbing in the wall." Bing will nod sagely. You will begin to shiver uncontrollably when you remember how she actually did that several years ago when she offered to help you hang a cabinet in your bathroom. This was before you were partners and you still feel mad just thinking about how much money she cost you.

Bing will talk you into buying the pedestal sink. Then, on the way out of the store, she will notice a shower door that she likes so much better than the one that you currently own. She says, "Why not just do it? Why not just replace everything while we are at it? I mean, it won't cost that much more."

You will begin laughing in a very high pitched voice that sounds like Lisa Simpson on crack.

She will agree to skip buying the shower door because she recognizes the sound of a woman slowly losing her mind and it sort of scares the shit out of her.

You will get home and she will set the tile samples you brought home with you on the bathroom floor and then she will go on the computer and start playing some stupid game.

You will stand in the bathroom staring at those tiles and know that the snow will probably be flying again before she finishes this up. You will feel the hackles begin to rise on the back of your neck and just for a minute, you will look in at her playing her game on the computer and sort of want to kill her with the new sledgehammer that she bought. Then, there is that wet saw. That could work too.

So...if you give Bing a tile....she is probably going to want to go to the custom tile store to see if she can match it.


dennis said...

actually, in bing's favor, each job, done in the proper order, are simple.

Just remember to measure twice before cutting once.

This should be your mantra. Measure twice before cutting once. Measure twice before cutting once.

(keep two phone numbers handy: 911 and reputable remodeling company)

Terroni said...

Now, I'm laughing like Lisa Simpson on crack. Laughing and feeling really sorry for you, of course. (Mostly it's just the laughing.)

MamaLee said...


Red wine.

My phone number.


Denver Dad said...

Well... ah... good luck. I, myself, have had very brief thoughts of "How hard can it be?" but my wife has thankfully reminded me that it can be really damn hard, especially for someone who doesn't own any tools at all. Good luck!

And, a little off topic, I *love* the song "Texarkana" by REM!

Melanie said...

oh, dear. Bing could be me on a manic. now i know how MrX must feel. in my defense, i have tried really hard to suppress the urge to start any new projects until the old ones are done, but it's hard. for instance, i was able to ignore the tailbone long enough to get the walls painted in the living room, but am having a hard time talking myself into sitting on the floor and getting the doors and trim painted now. so...the box of painting supplies still sits in the middle of the living room floor, being pushed around now and then for vacuuming. this is the end of a full WEEK that it has been there, untouched. i hope i will be able to talk myself into it soon. MrX just seems resigned to his fate, lving with a box of painting supplies in the living room, like a new decorating scheme: the Living Out Of Boxes Look.

but then...if i took HIM to the store to help me pick tile, he'd be the one that couldn't like anything cheaper than what folks use on their third yachts. i want to redo everything, but i want to spend 50 cents each.

Mrs. Schmitty said...

Too Funny...I think you need to take Lee's advice!

Jill said...

Ai yi yi, Maria! My stress level was rising just reading about it. Deep breaths. Oh, and of course I second Mamalee's red wine suggestion!

Carrie said...

I'm there with you. Last summer, he tore out the sink and the floors in the bathroom. He tore out the mirror too. He got the concrete boared down, bought the mirror and put the new sink in. By christmas I talked my brother into tiling it for me for christmas. Then Adam caulked it. All the paint that I did was messed up from oops with the caulk. It still isn't finished and we decided to move on. Mirror is sitting above the sink on the faucet. Good luck with yours!

ryan said...

i am so bad at house work
does bing fly?
if so
come on over to nyc
get some tile!


Burg said...

Wow! Keep Bing away from tile!

PBS said...

When I was married I was against "home improvement" projects for that very reason! Hopefully a miracle will happen, all will go well and the bathroom finished quickly. But if Bing is like my ex, that success would only encourage her to bigger projects like knocking out a wall or something!

The OA story was too funny. They really ought to put a sign on the door to identify which meeting it is.

Mitch McDad said...

What about the syrup??

And no...I do not think you new blog title is too's perfect.